by Jeff Kinney
Tonight at soccer practice, Mr. Litch told
everyone the position they’d be playing in the
first game on Sunday.
Mr. Litch told me I’d be the “Shag,” and that
sounded pretty cool to me. So when I got home,
I bragged to Rodrick about it.
I thought Rodrick would be impressed, but he just
laughed. He told me that Shag wasn’t actually a
real position on the field—it’s just a kid who chases
the ball when it goes out of bounds. Then he
showed me a rulebook with all the soccer positions,
and sure enough, Shag wasn’t in it.
I’m the
Shag!
!
126
Rodrick is always pulling my leg, so I guess I’ll
just have to wait until this weekend to see if he’s
telling the truth this time.
Remind me to never go to a sleepover with
Rowley again.
Yesterday afternoon Mom dropped me and Rowley
off at his friend’s house. The first hint that I
was in for a long night was when we walked into
the house and there wasn’t a kid there who was
older than six.
My second hint was that everyone was wearing
their karate gear.
Sunday
127
The whole reason I even went to this sleepover
was so we could all sneak out and crash Holly’s
slumber party. But Rowley’s friends were more
interested in “Sesame Street” than they were
in girls.
All those guys wanted to do was play a bunch of
dopey party games, like Blind Man’s Bluff and
that kind of thing. I could’ve been playing Spin
the Bottle with Holly Hills, but instead I spent
my night trying not to get groped by a bunch of
first-graders.
Rowley’s friends played some other games, too, like
Freeze Tag and Twister.
128
I excused myself to go upstairs when someone
suggested we could play “Who Licked Me?”
I tried calling Mom to come pick me up, but she
was out with Dad. So I knew I was stuck at
this kid’s house for the night.
At about 9:30 I decided to just go to sleep
and get the night over with. But those guys
came into the bedroom and got into a massive
pillow fight. And let me tell you, it’s not easy
falling asleep when a sweaty little kid falls on
you every five seconds.
Eventually the kid’s mom came upstairs and told
everyone it was time to go to sleep.
Kick
129
Even after the lights went out, Rowley and his
friends stayed up, talking and giggling. They
must have thought I fell asleep, because at one
point a bunch of them snuck up on me to try
and pull the hand-in-a-bowl-of-warm-water trick.
Well, that was enough for me. I went downstairs
to sleep in the basement, even though it was
pitch-black down there and I couldn’t find the
light. I’d left my sleeping bag upstairs, and
that was a mistake, because it was freezing
in the basement.
I did not want to go back upstairs and get
my stuff, though. I just curled up in a ball and
tried to conserve as much body heat as possible to
make it through to the morning.
Hee hee
hee!
Shhhh!
130
I think it was probably the longest night of my life.
When the sun came up this morning, I found out
the reason it was so cold in the basement. I was
sleeping right by the sliding glass door, and some
fool had gone and left it open overnight.
That really stunk, because if I knew there was a
way to escape last night, I definitely
would’ve taken it.
When I got home this morning, I went back to
bed until Dad woke me up and told me it was time
to go to the soccer game.
Chatter
chatter
131
It turns out Rodrick was right about the Shag
thing. I spent the whole game pulling balls out
of the brambles, and let me tell you, it wasn’t a
whole lot of fun.
Our team won the game, and afterward we were
supposed to go out to celebrate. Dad couldn’t
stick around, so he asked Mr. Litch if he would
drive me home afterward.
Well, I really wish Dad had asked me what I
thought about that idea first, because I would’ve
just gone home with him.
Hurry up!
Ouch!
132
I was starving from all that digging around in
the bushes, though, so I figured I’d just go
with the team.
We went to a fast-food place, and I ordered
twenty chicken nuggets. I went to use the
bathroom, and when I came back to the table,
all my food was gone. But then Erick Bickford
dumped my nuggets out of his big sweaty hands.
If you ever wanted to know why I don’t like
team sports, there it is in a nutshell.
After lunch was over, me, Kenny Keith, and
Erick got into Mr. Litch’s car. Kenny sat in
the back with Erick, and I sat up front in
the passenger seat.
Ha ha
ha!
133
We had to wait a long time because Mr. Litch
was sitting on the hood of his car, blabbing
away with Mr. Boone. After we’d been sitting
there for a while, Kenny leaned forward from
the back seat and laid on the horn for about
three seconds.
Then Kenny jumped back in his seat so when
Mr. Litch turned around, it looked like I was
the one who honked the horn.
Mr. Litch gave me a dirty look, and then turned
back around and talked to his assistant for
another half hour.
Honk
134
On the way home, Mr. Litch stopped to do about
five errands. He wasn’t in any hurry to get them
done, either.
And get this: Kenny and Erick were mad at me
for making them get home so late. So that should
give you a feeling for the type of intelligence I’m
dealing with here.
Mr. Litch dropped me off last. On the way up the
hill, I saw the Snellas out in their front yard,
and it looked like they were trying to get some
clips to send in to “America’s Funniest Families.”
I guess they don’t feel like waiting around a few
months until Seth’s half-birthday party.
bap
clonk
I wasn’t
taping yet!
135
Today was April 1st, and here’s how my day
started —
Every other day of the year, you couldn’t
drag Rodrick out of bed before 8:00 A.M. But
on April 1st, Rodrick always wakes up early so
he can get his licks in.
Someone seriously needs to explain the concept of a
practical joke to Rodrick, because all his “jokes”
involve me getting injured.
Last year Rodrick bet me fifty cents
I couldn’t
tie my shoes while I was standing up, and I
totally fell for it.
Thursday
April
April
Fools’!
punch
136
I went inside and told Dad that Rodrick shot
me in the butt with a paintball gun. Dad didn’t
feel like getting in the middle of a fight, so he
just told Rodrick to pay me my fifty cents for
winning the bet.
Rodrick took two quarters out of his pocket
and threw them on the ground. But obviously I
didn’t learn my lesson, because I bent over to
pick them up.
You’re about
to owe me
fifty
cents!
Yow!
Zing
Splat
137
At least I put some thinking into my practical
jokes. Last year I pulled a pretty good trick on
Rowley. We were in the bathroom at a movie theater,
and I convinced him that some random guy
standing at the urinal was a professional athlete.
So Rowley asked the guy for his autograph.
And today me and a couple of other guys pulled
a good one on Chirag Gupta.
We decided it would be pretty funny if we made
him think he was losing his hearing, so we all
made sure we talked real quiet every time he
came around.
138
Chirag figured out what was going on pretty
quick, and he went straight to the teacher to
shut it down before the joke could get out of
hand. I guess he didn’t want a repeat of the
Invisible Chirag joke from last year.
We had our second soccer game tonight. Some
adult volunteered to shag the balls, so I got to
sit on the bench for the whole game.
It was really cold out, and I asked Dad if
I could go get my coat out of the car, but he
said no.
Did you catch
the big soccer
match last
night?
Yes… quite a
game, quite
a game.
Friday
139
Dad said I needed to be prepared in case the
coach decided to put me in the game, so I had
to just tough it out.
I wanted to tell Dad that the only time I’d
be stepping foot on the field would be when Mr.
Litch made me pick up all the other kids’ orange
peels at halftime. But I just kept quiet and
concentrated on not letting my shin guards
freeze to my legs.
Every time Mr. Litch called a huddle, Dad made
me get off the bench and go join the rest of the
team. Have you seen a game on tv and wondered
what the benchwarmers were thinking when they
stand in the huddle while the coach goes over the
game plan?
140
Well, now I can tell you firsthand.
Once the sun went down, it got really
cold. In fact, it got so cold Mackey Creavey
and Manuel Gonzales went and got sleeping
bags out of the Creaveys’ car.
And Dad still wouldn’t even let me go get
my coat.
You guys
smell.
141
During a timeout, we all joined the huddle. And
when the coach got an eyeful of Mackey and
Manuel, he told them they were excused and to go
to the Creaveys’ car for the rest of the game.
So Mackey and Manuel got to sit in a heated
suv, while I had to sit on a cold metal bench in
my shorts. And I know for a fact that the
Creaveys have a tv in their car, so I’m sure
those guys were totally living it up in there.
Hop
hop
Hop
hop
I have definitely got to start keeping on
top of my laundry. I’ve been out of clean underwear
for about three days, so I’ve been wearing my
bathing suit as a substitute.
Today we had Phys Ed, and when we changed into
our gym clothes, I totally forgot I was wearing
my Speedo underneath.
It could have been a lot worse, though. I
have a pair of Wonder Woman Underoos that
I’ve never taken out of their wrapper, and this
morning I was pretty tempted to wear them
just because they were clean.
Monday
Ha Ha!
Whup!
Ha Ha!
143
Believe me, I didn’t ask for the Wonder Woman
Underoos, either. This past summer a few of my
relatives asked Mom what I wanted for my
birthday, and she told them I was really into
comics and super heroes.
So the Underoos were a gift from Uncle Charlie.
We had another soccer game after school, but it’s
been getting a lot warmer lately, and I wasn’t
worried about the cold.
At school, me, Mackey, and Manuel agreed we’d all
bring some video games tonight, and for the first
time we actually enjoyed ourselves at soccer.
144
It didn’t last long, though. Twenty minutes into
the game, Mr. Litch called all three of us off the
bench and told us to get on the field.
Apparently, some parent complained that their
kid wasn’t getting any playing time, so the Rec
League made a rule that now every kid has to
get in the game.
Creavey!
heffley!
gonzales!
145
Well, none of us had been paying any attention
to the game, so when we got on the field, we
didn’t know what to do or where to stand.
A couple of kids on our team told us the other
team had a “free kick,” and that we were supposed
to stand shoulder to shoulder to make a shield to
block it.
I thought the guys on my team were joking, but
it turns out they weren’t. Me, Manuel, and Mackey
had to line up in front of our goal. Then the referee
blew the whistle, and a kid from the other team ran
at the ball and kicked it right at us.
Tweet!
146
Well, we didn’t do a really good job of protecting
the goal, and the other team scored.
Mr. Litch pulled the three of us out of the game
the second he got the chance, and he yelled at
us for not standing still and blocking the ball.
But I’ll tell you what: If I have to choose
between getting yelled at or getting hit in the
face with a soccer ball, it’s no contest.
147
After the game last week, I asked Mr. Litch if
I could be the backup goalie for the team, and
he said I could.
It was a genius move on my part, for a couple
of reasons. First of all, goalies don’t have to
run laps and all that stuff during practice.
They just do individual goalie drills with the
assistant coach.
Second, goalies wear different uniforms than
the rest of the team, and that means Mr.
Litch can’t put me in the game when it’s time to
block free kicks.
Thursday
Creavey!
gonzales!
148
Our regular goalie, Tucker Fox, is the star of
the team, so I knew there was no way I was
gonna see any playing time, anyway. These last
few games have actually been kind of fun. But
tonight, something bad happened. Tucker hurt
his hand diving after a ball, and he had to come
out. So that meant the coach had to put me in.
Well, Dad was really excited I was finally
getting some real playing time, and he came down
to my end of the field to coach me from the
sideline. It’s not like I really needed it, though.
Our team kept the ball on the other side of the
field for the whole rest of the game, and I didn’t
even touch it once.
Make sure you
bend your
knees, Greg!
149
I think I know what Dad was up to, though.
When I used to play tee-ball, I had a really hard
time concentrating on the game. Tonight Dad just
wanted to make sure I didn’t get distracted the
way I used to get when I played right field.
I have to admit, it was probably a good thing
that Dad stayed on my case tonight.
There were about a million dandelions down at
my end of the field, and in the second half I was
starting to get a little twitchy.
Quit playing
in the tulips!
Puff
Doink
150
Monday
Well, yesterday we had another soccer game,
and luckily Dad wasn’t there to see it. We lost
our first game of the season, 1-0. Somehow the
other team got the ball past me in the last few
seconds, and they won the game. So that ruined
our perfect record.
After the game, everyone on my team was in a
sour mood, so I tried to cheer them up.
My teammates thanked me for being positive by
pelting me with orange peels.
Back at home, I was nervous to tell Dad about
the game.
Well, it’s just
a stupid game,
right, fellas?