by Ashley Lowe
Ali and I get to our feet after what seems like forever. I finally caught my breath. The sun has warmed up the air that surrounds us. The tall grass sways at our legs in the gentle breeze.
There’s not much to look at around us. The only things within our vision is a wooded area, this same tall grass and railroad tracks that look as if they lead straight into the horizon in both directions.
“Do you have any idea where we are?” I ask Ali, holding my hand to my eyes against the sun.
“That’s a stupid question, Val,” I think to myself. “There’s no way either of us have any idea where we are.”
“Not a clue.” She looks back at me and starts walking towards the emerald tree line off in the distance without saying a word otherwise. What’s going on with her?
“Where are we going?” I ask her, trying to keep up with her long stride. Her legs are bit lengthier than mine. “Shouldn’t we follow the tracks back to a town or something?”
“Val, if we follow the tracks the same way the train went, we may run into Captain Creep. If we head back the way we came from, we’re just getting closer to going back home,” she says, slightly out of breath. She seems irritated at me, again. “I don’t want to get any further away from where we’re headed.”
“That makes sense, but… Have you ever even been camping in your life? We’re walking to the woods, Ali. Who knows how long it will be until we reach a house or something?! Who knows what’s out there?” She does make a good point though.
I get the logic about not going anywhere near where the crazy guy from the SUV is headed. I also get the fact that we don’t want to head back in the direction of home, but that place is so far away from where we’ve made it to. I don’t think anyone would be looking for us at the last city we passed. I’m just not up for arguing with Ali, though. I know that I should stand up and say something, but I decide against it. I still feel like I should be more vocal. Either way, we continue to the copse of trees spread out in front of us.
The forest is not too far off. I just don’t know how deep it is. That’s the part that kind of frightens me. Okay, it scares me a lot.
Ali begins to push through the bushes and brush surrounding the endless mass of trees. I’ve honestly never been a big fan of wild animals or air thick with the smell of wetland. It’s all very eerie to me. And, it smells like dirt. What if we get attacked by an animal? Is it hunting season? At least the cypress trees are a good indication that we have made it much further south than I had imagined. I do remember that much, at least, from my ecology classes.
She travels onward at a much faster pace than I can seem manage with my short, stocky legs. The ground is thick with mud and fallen leaves. “Ali, can you slow down? I’m having a hard time getting through all of this stuff,” I yell up at her direction, dragging my feet through the soggy muck. She’s a good twenty feet ahead of me.
“Val, we can’t slow down. We have to get somewhere before it gets too dark,” She says, insistently moving on. I know she’s tired and frustrated. She hasn’t been handling the recent chain of events very well. Then again, neither have I.
As we push on, I dive into myself. My mind is writhing with thoughts and questions and no solutions like normal. Her disconnectedness has become hurtful more than anything else that has happened since we left the church. I can survive with the bruises and the lesions from bowling through the cement barrier back on the highway. I can live with the fact that Tom is after me for running out on our wedding. But, there are some things that hurt too much to consider. Would it be better if I took off on my own? Would Ali even really care? Would she be better off without me?
“Ali, I think we need to talk.” She stops abruptly and turns around to look into my eyes as I approach her, winded. She doesn’t look happy at all. I take that back. She doesn’t look happy with me at all. I do my best to meet her eyes that are so dark and full of fury. Maybe she’s just tired?
“About what?” She asks. Her voice is rushed and harsh compared to the way I am used to her speaking to me. It sounds like she’s annoyed with me or the fact that I’ve asked her to stop and speak with me.
“Do you even want to be with me anymore?” I feel stupid asking. I can feel my face glow bright red and drain of all color at the same time. It’s an instant and synchronized reaction. I look down out my mud-covered feet and twist my fingers around each other at my belt loops.
“Why would you ask me a question like that, Val?”
“It seems like you’re not interested in me sometimes. In the cab, I told you that I love you and you didn’t say anything back. I don’t know,” I trail off mid-thought.
“Can’t we talk about this later? I don’t think this is the best time for something like this. I just want to get somewhere and lay down.”
“No, Ali. We can’t talk about this later. I’m dying on the inside now,” I say. I’m very peeved at the notion that it’s not important to her. I can feel my face sagging from exhaustion and defeat. This is not how I wanted to make my stand.
“But if we don’t get out of here, there’s a very good possibility that we could both die.” Ali leans toward me as she finished her statement. She’s very forceful with her words. Her forehead is wrinkled in anger. Her once bright and clear eyes are painfully black. Her eyebrows furrow at the sight of my face. She leans in, getting closer and closer to the face that she seems so mad at. It almost looks like she wants to hit me.
“I’m tired of running. I could care less about those people. So, what?! Let them kill me. I’m done. I just want to be with you. I want to be happy, again. I’m not enjoying being with you anymore, Ali.” I won’t let her do this. I have to get this off my chest. I feel like it’s now or never.
“You’re not enjoying this anymore? Do you really think that I am? I almost fucking died in my own car back on the interstate. We almost died,” she says as she turns and stomps off a few feet in front of me. She looks back. “You know what? I don’t want to do this right now. Let’s just keep walking, Val. We’ll sort things out when we find a hotel or somewhere to sleep. I can’t do this right now.”
She turns gloomily and walks away slower than she had been moving before. At least she’s making an effort to allow me to keep up. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I also don’t want to hurt anymore, either. I need to know what’s going on between us. Does she even truly love me? Am I just a really good friend? Is she tired of me? Is she regretting her decision to have pulled me out of the church? I feel hollow. It’s like my soul is some black hole that is slowly taking over my body and my mind.
We’ve never talked about our situation before. We certainly haven’t spoken much about our most recent events and how they are affecting us. Do we have a relationship beyond being best friends? She kissed me in the ambulance. That has to mean something, right? I guess I have just kind of assumed that she was interested in being more than friends this entire time. Could things have actually changed so much in such a short amount of time?
“What are we going to do with ourselves, Ali?” I ask out loud, knowing she won’t be able to hear me. It feels good to ask anyway, like I’ve gotten a large stone off my shoulders. But, I can’t help but sense that I’ve done something terrible.
CHAPTER 14
It’s Time for a Change