"Is there anything you need?" he inquired.
You, the thought blazed through her mind, but she clamped her mouth shut before she could blurt it out.
"I'm good," she said instead. "Jill and Mandy?"
"They're playing cards with everyone else."
"Oh."
"Would you like to join them?"
There were a thousand things she would like to do right now, but joining the others for a game of cards wasn't one of them. She couldn't tear her eyes away from him as he remained standing in her doorway. He looked torn between walking away and coming to her. "Not right now."
He bowed his head and stepped away. The broken air surrounding him was more than she could stand. "Ethan." He stopped and turned back to face her. The hope in his eyes caused tears to burn in hers. "Are you okay?"
He forced a smile to his face. "I'm fine."
She couldn't shake the feeling he was lying to her. "Would you tell me if something was wrong, something more than the obvious? You've already kept something from me, and I can understand why, but please don't do it again, and don't lie to me. I don't know if I could take it."
His eyes searched her face as he stared at her; finally, he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. "I won't keep anything from you anymore, Emma, but there are some things I would prefer not to burden you with."
A small snort of laughter escaped her. "Look at everything I've burdened you with. Your life is in jeopardy because of me. Please tell me what is going on with you."
"You could never be a burden, not to me, and I will kill Tristan."
She flinched at the straightforward way he said he would kill Tristan. The idea of it seemed not to affect him in any way. What had she gotten herself into with all of this? Walking over to the bed, she slumped onto it. She lifted her head to look at him as he leaned against the door.
"And you're okay with that?" she whispered.
"I'm okay with anything that keeps you safe."
"This is all so much. My best friends are playing cards with vampire siblings; the man I thought I was falling in love with is talking about killing my ex as if it's the same thing as ordering fast food."
Ethan did a double take as those words spilled from her lips. "You thought you were falling in love with me?"
She frowned as she lifted her head to look up at him. He stepped away from the door; his eyes were back to their normal green hue. The look on his face made her feel as if she were the most cherished and priceless jewel in the world. She'd never thought a man could look at her with so much hope and...love?
Yes, that was what radiated from his eyes. "I did," she breathed, unable to tear her gaze away from him.
"And now?"
"And now, where do I fit into all this? Your world isn't mine, Ethan. Your world is something I can't even begin to understand. How could I possibly allow myself to love you when I'm not sure what would become of me?" He rapidly moved across the room and knelt before her. Taking her hands in his, he held them against his chest as he looked into her tear-filled eyes. "I don't belong—"
"You belong with me," he said vehemently. "My world is not a dismal one; there is love and laughter in it. My family—"
"What about my family?"
He released her hands and slid his fingers across her face to her hair. He brushed it back as he moved closer to her; he needed to touch her. It was the only thing that made the monster growing within him subside.
"There are things we will figure out, if you become like me, you can keep seeing them for at least a few years without question. After, we can work on changing memories—"
"They're my parents," she interrupted. "I can't mess with their minds like that."
"Emma," he groaned.
It was all right there, right before him. The hope she could love him and agree to be with him grew within him. He didn't know what he would do if it were ripped away from him again.
"I love you," he said. Her mouth parted as she gazed at him in awe. "I will love you for eternity. If you tell me to leave, I will, but if there's any chance you will allow me to stay, there is something else you must know about me, about my kind."
She searched his face as he continued to kneel before her. Something in his demeanor made her think she wasn't going to like what he had to say. But she was the one insisting on full disclosure.
"What is it?" she asked.
The bed dented as he sat beside her. The heat his body emitted warmed her to the tips of her toes. Her skin tingled when his arm brushed against hers. It was the strangest sensation to be afraid of someone and so unbelievably attracted to them at the same time. No, she wasn't afraid of him, that wasn't the right word. She was wary of him, unnerved by what he was and the world he existed in, but she knew he would never harm her in any way.
"There's something about vampires that is unique only to us," he told her.
"Something more than drinking blood?"
He chuckled as he took hold of her hand and held it in his lap. "Yes, something more."
"Please don't tell me you can turn into a bat or something. I'm not so sure I can handle having slept with someone who can become a rodent."
"We stay entirely human in shape," he assured her.
"That's good to know. So, what is this uniqueness?"
His thumb stroked the back of her hand. "When we meet the person or vampire we're meant to spend the rest of our lives with, we form an intense bond with them. One that cannot be severed. One that can drive us mad if we happen to lose our mate or if the bond isn't completed."
Emma didn't know where he was going with all of this. It seemed so strange, but then again, there was nothing normal about him or his family. "And how is this bond completed?"
"Sex and the exchange of blood, if one is a human then it's necessary they become a vampire too."
An unsettling feeling was beginning to form in the pit of her stomach. Her hand tightened around his as she struggled to breathe normally, she knew he could hear the increased beat of her heart, and her palm was becoming sweaty. "I see," she murmured.
"My mother and father are mated, so are Isabelle and Stefan. My father nearly lost control of himself before completing the bond with my mom, Stefan and Isabelle tried to stay apart but it almost killed her, and it nearly drove him insane. I've never seen anything like what Isabelle went through while they were separated, she was in such agony, and there was nothing I could do to help her."
"That must have been awful," she murmured.
His gaze was haunted when it came back to her. "It was. I didn't understand it at the time, not completely, but I understand it now."
Though she tried her hardest to keep it from happening, her bottom lip began to tremble. "Ethan—"
"This is your choice, Emma; I won't force you into anything, ever. If you decide this is not the life for you, I will respect your wishes. I’ll make sure you’re safe, and I will go away."
"It can't be me," she whispered. "How could you possibly think I'm your mate in such a short amount of time?"
"It is you, Emma; I have no doubt."
Her head spun as she tried to grasp what he was telling her. She felt the impulse to pace, almost jumped up from the bed, but she didn't think her legs would support her, and she didn't feel like falling flat on her face. She remained where she was.
"The bond between mates is so strong they can read each other's thoughts and communicate with one another telepathically. The pathway between the minds opens when the bond is completed," he continued. "I don't expect a decision from you now, but if you choose to come back to me, you have to know what you're getting into. If you come back to me, there is no going back, not for me. This is forever."
The urge to grab a paper bag and breathe into it filled her. She felt as if a tornado had just picked her up and dumped her in the middle of a bunch of munchkins.
"Oh, crap." Those two words did absolutely nothing to describe how she felt right now, but they just popped out. "Why do y
ou believe so strongly I’m your mate?"
He'd tried so hard to keep his more volatile side hidden from her, but now he may have to expose it. She stared at him as he sought to think of a way to explain it to her without frightening her even more. "Don't lie to me, Ethan, if there is even a small chance all this could work out, you can't keep anything else from me. I'll never forgive you if you do."
He leaned forward to press a kiss against her forehead. "I won't lie to you, and I'll never keep anything from you again, but I don't want you to be frightened of me."
"You could kill me before I blink. There's nothing you could say that would be any more frightening."
"I'm not so sure about that."
Those words were about the least reassuring thing she'd ever heard. "Not telling me is scaring me more."
He leaned against her side. "This connection, just the touch of you, it calms me in ways I never thought possible. I'm not like my siblings. They're easy going in ways I've never been before."
"But you've always seemed happy to me." Emma’s tone revealed her confusion.
"Because of you, and I was happy with my life even if it was stressful at times, but I'm different than they are. There's always been something inside of me, something deadlier, something crueler than what they are. I've fought for as long as I can remember to keep my thirst and my impulse to kill under control."
He waited for her to recoil from him, to jump up and run away, but she remained where she was, and she didn't look at all horrified by what he was telling her. For some reason that made him feel he had to elaborate on his words, he had to make her understand what a monster he was. She would get up and walk away when he finished anyway; he might as well make it sooner rather than later.
"Killing is all I've ever desired, and once I reached maturity, and stopped aging, the urge to drive my fangs into someone's neck and bathe in their blood has been a nearly constant battle for me."
Emma took a deep breath as she tried to process his words. "But you've never done it before that man last night?"
"No, he was my first, but I've kept myself away from humans because of that constant fear. You're the only human I've ever been with Emma, the only one I've had extended contact with in years. I didn't think it was possible for me to be around a human for any length of time until I met you."
"Then maybe you're more like your siblings than you thought."
Ethan lurched up from the bed and paced away from her. "I'm not like them, they're good, and I'm twisted. There's something wrong with me."
"There's nothing wrong with you Ethan," she whispered.
"If you knew some of the things I've done to try and escape what is inside of me, you wouldn't think so," he growled.
"But you've never killed anyone before yesterday, and you don't hurt people."
"Not anyone who didn't ask me to." The widening of her eyes and her recoil from him was what he'd been looking for. "I've inflicted pain on vampires who asked me to, and I've asked them to do the same to me, in bed."
Emma's breath caught in her throat as his words sank in. She leaned back as he returned to her and rested his hands on either side of her. "You would cringe if you learned the things I've done to try to make what is inside me go away. It would make even the most diehard sadist cringe, or perhaps it would make them proud. We don't die, Emma; we can go far beyond what any human could to gain pleasure from the pain."
Emma gulped as she searched his face. He was attempting to push her away, she knew, but no matter how much he tried to convince her he was unredeemable, she saw the longing in his eyes. He expected her to run, expected her to turn away from him and call him a monster just like he believed he was, but no matter what he said he could never be a monster in her eyes.
"I have been whipped so severely the skin on my back was completely gone. It took me hours to heal from it, and you know what I did? I got off on it, Emma. I've been chained for hours, burned, branded and beaten to the point I've had broken bones, and I got off on it because I enjoyed it. I did the same to the woman who asked me for it, and I got enjoyment from that too."
"Stop," she whispered.
"Stop what?" he snarled as his eyes turned red.
Emma thought a reasonable human would cringe away from him; she tilted her chin and glared up at him. "Stop trying to push me away!"
"Would you like to know what else I've done?"
"No."
"But you want to know it all."
"That isn't you, Ethan," she whispered.
"You don't know who I am."
"Don't I?" she retorted with defiance. Some of his antagonism deflated as he studied her. Yes, she did know who he was, more than anyone else she knew who he was, and she was still sitting before him. "Whatever you did, or whatever was done to you, wasn't something you deserved no matter how much you believe it was. If I know anything, it's you can't be trapped by your past, you'll only be buried within it if you are, and if you allow that to happen, you will be lost."
"You're too good for me."
"I'm not perfect, Ethan!" she snapped, her patience fraying. "I don't understand what you're trying to do here? Shock me into walking away, bring me closer, or prove some point. Why are you telling me this?"
He stared at her as he tried to figure out the answer to her question. She had asked to know everything, but that wasn't why he was telling her this. He was telling her because for once he could tell someone every awful detail he'd tried to deny, been too ashamed to face, and fighting to keep buried about himself. He could finally unburden himself, and though he was going about it in a bad way, he found he had to get it out.
"Because I can," he admitted as some of his anger faded away. "Because I can tell you things I've never told anyone because I have to tell you. Because I've lived with this and fought it for so long, but I was so certain one day I would lose the battle, and be consumed by the power of death. Last night, with that man, the voice inside promised his death would bring me release, it only made it so I crave more. Then, you touch me. The driving bloodlust, the burning urge to kill, it all just fades away, and for the first time in my life, I have peace. You are my angel, Emma, but I'm a monster."
She was trying to let her mind rule over her heart, but those words drove her to her feet and over to him before she could stop herself. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest.
"You're not a monster; you're my hero. I'm so unbelievably confused and uncertain right now; I do know you're a better man than you give yourself credit for. You are a good man, Ethan, that's the whole reason you've never harmed anyone who didn't deserve it or didn't ask you for it."
Ethan couldn’t believe she was willing to touch him after what he revealed. He stared at the top of her head before coming to his senses and slipping his arms around her shoulders. It felt so unbelievably good to be holding her again, and though he believed she was wrong when she told him he was a good man, he couldn't let her go.
"You shut the world out," he whispered into her hair.
"You can't lock the world out, that's not living."
"You make it possible for me to live in the world then."
He would be her complete undoing, she realized. It was so difficult to keep her distance when he was saying things like that to her.
"I'm not entirely sure what this world is anymore," she said with a small laugh.
"These past couple of days have been a lot for you, I know. I'll give you time to decide what it is you want."
She forced herself to release him and take a step back. His hands lingered on her shoulders before slipping away. The minute the contact with him was lost, his eyes took on that reddish color. Emma shuddered as she searched his face.
"I don't understand. You said your father was nearly driven mad, that Isabelle almost died, yet you would let me go?"
He rested his hand against her cheek. "The only thing I care about is your safety and happiness. If that means I have to walk away, then I will."
"And what will happen to you?"
"Don't worry about me."
Emma frowned as he turned away from her and walked toward the door. "But I do worry about you. What will happen to you Ethan, will you go mad; would you die?"
His shoulders hunched forward as he grabbed hold of the door handle. "I will stay away from you."
It wasn't an answer to her question, but she didn't have time to press him on it as he opened the door and left the room. Emma took a step after him. Tears formed in her eyes when the door shut with a click of finality. Everything inside her screamed to go after him. She remained unmoving as his words continued to swirl through her mind.
An eternity with a man she was certain she was in love with, but what about her life? How could she give up everything she'd always known? Would she have to give it all up?
Her heart felt like it was shattering; tears slid down her face as her thoughts turned to her parents. She couldn't stand the idea of messing with their minds in any way. Then there was everything he revealed about his sexual history. She didn't know how to assimilate the man who touched her with such tenderness and care, with the one who enjoyed inflicting and having pain inflicted on him so much.
Chapter Twenty-Two
It was nightfall when she emerged from her room. She hadn't meant to fall asleep, but exhaustion had taken hold after Ethan's revelations, and now she was wide awake. There was a light on in the kitchen. The rest of the house was still as she made her way down the hall. A small squeak escaped her when Ethan lifted his arm from his eyes as she stepped into the living room; she hadn't seen him lying on the couch until he moved. She clutched the edges of her robe together and let out a nervous laugh as a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
"Everything okay?" he asked.
"I fell asleep. Is everyone else already in bed?"
"They are."
There were sundaes topped with whip cream and cherries that didn't look as enticing as he did when he sat up and put his feet on the floor. The muscles in his back flexed when he dropped his head into his hands and ran his fingers through his disheveled hair. She'd never seen a man as chiseled as he was, and her mouth began to water.
The Vampire Awakenings Bundle: Books 1-5 Page 77