by Vi Carter
Now after seeing her with Brian teaches me that I have gotten her wrong. He’s a huge cocaine supplier. I never spoken to him personally, but Shane does. He’s bad news, but she is obviously his, or one of his clients, maybe that’s how she got tied up in this whole mess.
I’m leaning against an abandoned bakery wall when she finally leaves the pub. It’s well past midnight, and I follow her up the street. I stick to the shadows, and I watch her peek back several times like she knows she’s being watched. There is something vulnerable about her. There seems to be a fear in her eyes when she peers over her shoulder. I walk slower and hope it will lesson her fear.
She enters a takeaway, and now I know I should leave, but I don’t. I feel responsible for scaring her; she looks pale as she keeps looking up at the Chinese door, so I feel like I should make sure she gets home safely. I wait until she gets her food, and once she closes the door to her apartment building, I walk away with an odd sense that she is safe for now.
But Brian springs back to mind. She could be up there now snorting lots of powder up her nose. The thought disgusts me, and I want to punch something or someone. Brian, I want to punch Brian.
My ringing phone has me turning away from her apartment and making my way back to my car that I left up near a park. It isn’t a long walk, and I stuff the phone back into the pocket. It’s Shane and right now, I don’t want to hear what he has to say. The roads are empty as I make my way back to Whitewood house. It was never home to me; I felt like I was never part of that place. The thoughts of going in has me hitting speed-dial.
The phone only rings twice before Neill picks up. “You’re alive. Where have you been?” The drum of music pulses in the background, and I know exactly where Neill is, and something in me gravitates towards it.
“Are you looking for a fighter tonight?” I ask, and I can hear him yelp to the crowd. “Connor O’Reagan is coming here tonight.”
I can hear the roar of the crowd. It’s not that anyone likes me. They love money.
“The usual spot?” I ask, coming close to the house, but doing a u-turn on the empty road.
“Don’t you fucking know it.” His laughter rings down the phone, and I hang up and floor the car. It’s not far away; Whitewood Lake is the perfect spot at night for fighting.
A lot of headlights shine in on the makeshift ring. Tomorrow morning when dog walkers come down here, they will never know what took place. Neill was always very careful about cleaning up after his fights. No litter, no blood stains, gravel covered the blood and litter was collected. He wanted to make sure that his operation never got shut down.
I get out of the car and am already feeling pumped, music blasts from speakers in someone’s boot, while the crowd roars into the two men who fight. Neill is looking around him. When his eyes land on me, he jumps down from the roof of a car that he’s using as his stage. He jumps onto the bonnet before he lands on the ground and disappears from sight. At four foot tall and being a punching bag his whole life, it makes you understand how resilient people can be. He made a bargain with his bullies: if they fought others instead of him, he could make them rich.
“Connor, you snake. What grass have you been lying in?”
“I think you’ve grown an inch,” I tell him, and he shows me his runners. “Nah, I got larger soles put in.” I grin as I remove my coat.
“Got five fights for you. Are you up for it?” he asks while shuffling on butty legs and throwing pretend punches. This is why he is such a great business man. He is always under-rated. The under-dog.
“Let’s go.” I didn’t come prepared, so I strip down to my jeans, removing everything else. The cold bites at me, but once I move into the crowd, the heat makes me shiver. The fight ends as I step into the circle. The winner beaten and bloody, his opponent lies on the ground. Neill has his muscle clear it away quickly so I can begin.
I bounce up and down on my feet. My heart starts to race as darkness closes in. The fear that always overtakes me is here, hovering over my shoulder, and I do everything not to run. Keeping my fists clenched and my focus on the ground, I don’t look up as my opponent enters the ring. His feet don’t shuffle or bounce, and when I glance up, I can see the fear, and my fear eats it up. I punch quick and hard.
He hits the ground, and the crowd pulses, roars soar so close to me. I want them to move back. I find Neill and nod. The next guy is placed in front of me, each as easy as the last. When the fifth one falls, I finally leave the ring feeling tired. It’s what I need. I want to sleep tonight, and now, I think I just might.
More cars have arrived, and I pull on my clothes as Neill counts out my winnings and hands me a large stash of cash. I shove it in my pocket as a Mercedes pulls up. Spectators from the fight stop to stare at the flashy car. My brother Finn jumps out. I hadn’t seen him since I returned yesterday. I had heard he found himself a woman. Everyone seems to have settled down. But I had wanted to see Finn. He was one brother I liked.
“Thanks,” I tell Neill and make my way to Finn.
“Get in the car.” I want to smile, like he could make me. But he’s my favorite brother. I don’t mention my car. It can stay here; I’ll get it in the morning.
Instead, I nod and climb into the car. Finn doesn’t wait until I’m fully in before he is pulling out and onto the main road. I buckle my belt as he floors the car; his anger is in how he grips the steering wheel. Finn is gentle. Violence for him is the last resort, and I hate seeing the anger that is etched into his face. I know I’ve caused that. I know he has good reason to hate me. But leaving him behind wasn’t easy, just staying was harder.
“I’m sorry for leaving,” I tell him, but he doesn’t even look at me.
“It’s not easy, Finn.” I want to punch something again.
“It’s not easy on any of us.”
I snort at his stupid fucking words. When I glance at him, he is watching me.
“At least you’re blood. I’m… not.” I shift hating how uncomfortable this is making me feel, but I don’t want Finn to hate me.
“Don’t give me that sob story. We all have the same mother.” Some anger has left his words, like I had hoped it would. I knew my sob story would soften him.
“He hates me,” I add. I don’t really care, yet it’s the truth.
“He hates us all.” I snort a laugh at Finn, and when I turn to him, he’s grinning.
“It’s great to see you,” I tell him, slapping his arm. “You got bigger.”
“I have been taking more care of myself.” This could only mean one thing.
“A woman?” I question, and he shifts in his seat, but he has a smile on his face.
“What’s her name?” I ask and sit back as he starts to tell me about a girl called Siobhan. Una had already filled me in, but I wanted to hear it from my brother. It’s nice to hear him happy. I listen the whole way home and even as we sit in the garage.
“I want you to meet her.” I take off my belt. “Of course,” I tell him, and Finn does something we don’t normally do: he hugs me. It’s weird for a moment before I hug my brother back. A knock on the window has us slowly separating. I meet Shane’s amused face.
“You boys need a minute?” he asks as he opens Finn’s door.
Neither of us speak, and he rolls his eyes. “Touchy, I see. You’re both wanted.” He doesn’t close the door, so we both climb out.
“When can I meet her?” I ask Finn as we follow Shane. Shane glances at us.
“You get to meet his new prize?” Shane asks, and I clench my fists, stopping myself from punching him.
“Don’t start, Shane.” Finn’s strength surprises me. He wasn’t ever weak, but he wasn’t brave either.
“Save your strength, little Finn,” Shane tells him as he pushes open a set of double doors, and there the King sits.
Along with his most faithful servant by his side, Liam. Michael doesn’t acknowledge me, instead he speaks to Finn. Two years has really aged Michael, and I take in every wrinkle. He is
still well groomed, well dressed, but I could see past his expensive suits. Liam was a younger version of Michael but more dangerous.
“Go find Darragh,” Michael says to Finn, and I envy Finn for getting the chance to go.
Once the door closes and Shane sits down, I join them at the table. Picking at my plasters that are bloodied again and in tatters keeps my anger at bay as Michael dishes out the deeds that need to be done on his sons. I flicker him a glance every now and again. Most times he catches my gaze.
“I want a word with Connor alone.” The sheep leave me alone with Michael, and I don’t fear him.
“You came back,” he says with a smile.
“What do you want?” I’m not in the mood for his mind games.
“I want you by your brothers’ sides, where you belong.” And there it is, their sides, not his. He makes me know I don’t belong, but reminds me that I still have to be here.
“I don’t belong here, Michael.” It’s odd saying it out loud. It’s the first time I have said this to him.
“You’re right, you don’t.” Michael gets up and brings back a glass canister and two whiskey glasses. I accept the one he slides across to me. His words don’t hurt, instead they give me relief. Maybe I can actually leave and not feel the need to keep returning every time I’m called.
“They say there is nothing as sorrowful as a mother without her children. I say there is nothing as sorrowful as a father with a child that isn’t his.”
I swallow the drink and let it burn a path down my throat. “Poor you,” I tell him, and he laughs before taking a sip of his drink.
“Your brothers need you, so you will be here for my sons. I wish they didn’t rely on you so much. But Finn hasn’t been himself, and when Finn isn’t good, Darragh goes down a very slippery path.”
What a bastard. I get half up and grab the bottle and pour myself another drink.
“What about Shane and Liam? Did they miss me?” I wasn’t sure why I was doing this to myself, and his eyes light up.
“As much as I.” I drink the full glass again before standing.
“I’m going to stay for my brothers. But this job is my last. I want out. This is a family business, and I’m not family.” I tell him, and Michael stares at me. I try not to shift under the weight his stare carries.
“We will see.”
I release the glass in my hand before I smash it. We won’t see. I was out this time. I couldn’t live like this anymore. Only this time I would convince Finn to come with me.
Hope can be a dangerous thing, and right now, it grows inside me. Hope that one day I won’t ever have to come back to this house.
“Did you miss us.” Darragh seems to materialize from the wall. A stupid ass grin on his face. His pupils dilate. He must have taken something.
He falls into step beside me his shoulder brushing mine. “Want to go to a party?” He’s moving to music I can’t hear.
“Nah, not in the mood.”
“Come on, Connor. One drink.” He’s walking in front of me back ways.
“Just at the bar.” Some of his enthusiasm dwindles, but he shrugs.
“Fine, I’ll take it.”
“You hear about Una and Shane?” he asks as he opens two bottle necks of budweiser. I take mine, and he taps his against it before taking a deep drink.
“Yeah, I saw the happy couple when I arrived,” I tell him, and he’s jerking and nodding.
“She was my party buddy until he fucked it all up for me. Whining like a little bitch over her.”
I take a drink. “You tell him that?” I ask with a smirk, knowing he didn’t.
“I’m working on it.” He grins.
“Brothers.” Liam arrives, and I find myself sitting a little straighter. Not because I’m afraid of him, but I want to be ready for him.
“What about you, Liam. Did you get yourself a girlfriend?” I ask, and Darragh snorts a laugh. Yeah, it’s funny.
“I don’t see the need to attach myself to someone like that.”
“You could have just said no,” I tell him as I get up and set up the pool table.
“A game?” I ask Darragh, and he’s bouncing on his toes.
“Yep yep yep.” He’s hyped, and Liam tilts his head while he observes Darragh. They have a weird bro-romance. Something ties them together.
I set up the game and break first. I pot none and hand over the cue to Darragh. He takes it. He’s high but still steady enough.
“Solids,” he tells me as he leans over the table to take the next shot.
When Darragh hands me back the pool cue, I offer it to Liam. I’m not a good player. Surprise filters through me when Liam strips off his suit jacket and unbuttons the cuffs of his shirt. Darragh shakes his head at me. I ignore it and sit at the bar enjoying my drink. Liam starts hitting balls in and doesn’t stop until there is nothing left on the table.
“You take the fun out of everything,” Darragh tells him, and I laugh at the perplexed look on Liam’s face.
“You want to feel special?” I ask Darragh, and he gives me the middle finger.
“Come on. I’ll play you.” I set up the table, and Liam takes my spot at the bar as he watches Darragh clean the table with me.
CHAPTER FIVE
AVA
“It’s only me,” I shout as I wriggle the key out of the door. The smell of Nan’s house I inhale deeply as I close the door behind me. The yellow tainted window lets the light stream into the warm hallway. A large rug covers most of the floor and three plants dominate the space.
“In here, Birdy,” Nan calls from the sitting room. I take the door on the left to find her sitting in her pink covered armchair. It doesn’t fit in with the rest of the room, but it’s a bit like Nan, she doesn’t fit in with this world. After kissing her softly on the cheek, I sit down on the cream couch that is always cream. Not a speck of dirt would get past Nan’s inspection. The room is dust free. All the silverware sparkling and displayed on her shelving.
“Sorry for not getting around sooner. Work has been crazy.” She’s already waving off my explanation. “I know you youngsters do be busy Twittering and Facebooking.” I smile but don’t correct her. I don’t even have a smart phone. I hate technology and avoid social media at all costs.
“A cup of tea?” I ask, and she is up out of her chair. I tower over Nan. At four foot six, she is such a cute old person. That is until she opens her mouth, and you soon realise that she can take care of herself.
Her navy trousers and cream short sleeve top sit perfectly pressed on her small frame. Nan has the kettle on and has me sitting at the table as she moves around her small kitchen cutting brown bread and setting the table.
“I had a visitor recently,” she says as she places the tomatoes on the table. I remove my coat and place it on the counter. “Oh Father Gerry?” I ask as he is a regular.
“No, that lovely young man you were dating.” Nan places a plate and knife in front of me, but I’m frozen.
“Brian?” I ask while hoping she says no, but I know it’s him. He was the only one I let her meet, because I thought he was the one.
“Yes, Brian. He came in and had a cup of tea with me.”
At each word, my mouth waters and my stomach sours. I force a smile. “What did he want?” Nan is leaning against the table now, her hands pressed into the surface. Her lips are slightly puckered, and I know that face. It’s where she wants me to listen to her.
“He’s a nice young man, Ava. And I was very sorry to hear you had broken up with him, broke that boys heart.” Right now, I would love to tell her that he hit me, but I don’t want my nan to know that side of life. When I don’t respond, she pours out the tea and places brown bread on my plate.
“You should give him a second chance,” Nan adds as I mechanically sugar and milk my tea. A second chance wasn’t going to happen but the thoughts of him visiting my nan wasn’t right.
“I need you to promise me something,” I say, and Nan nods. “If he ever cal
ls here again, ring me but don’t let him in.”
Nan’s nostrils flare. “What did he do?” She’s reaching for my hand, and I love her fierce protectiveness.
“Nothing, just I don’t love him, Nan, and he shouldn’t be coming around here telling you his problems.”
I start to butter my brown bread, hoping my statement is said easily.
“He’s a nice boy.” God, he would hurt her too if he thought he could get to me.
“He hit me.” There I said it and regret it as Nan’s face contorts in disbelief before it’s all replaced with anger.
“And to think I let that toe rag in my house.” She stands looking around the kitchen. I’m not sure what for, but I pat her hand. “Sit down and have your tea. Just promise me he won’t be in this house again.”
Nan pats my face gently. “He hurt you.” I push down the tears that burn the back of my throat.
“No, I was fine, but I don’t want to see him again.”
“A man puts his hands on a woman once, he will do it again.” She’s shaking her head now. “He was so sweet and nice.”
“Nan, I know. But promise me you won’t let him in.”
“I promise, Ava.” I don’t feel content.
“And don’t you dare try to confront him.” I can see it in her eyes now, and I nearly bring back up the small bit of tea I’ve drunk as the image of Brian hurting her comes to mind.
“Nan!”
“Fine. I won’t, but that boy deserves a piece of my mind.” Good Lord. But I need her to understand.
“That boy would hurt you. Do you hear me?” She tuts but finally agrees not to confront him or let him in.
I finish the tea at Nan’s, but the moment I am out the door, I ring Brian.
“Well hello, beautiful.” I want to spit at my phone.
“You were at my nan’s.”
“Wow, wow calm down. I only called to see how she was.”
“Don’t bullshit me. We both know what you were doing.”
“And what is that, Ava?” The anger is now filling his words. It doesn’t take long to piss him off, I learned that the hard way. I stop walking and watch the cars zoom past as I try to think of a way out of this.