by Vi Carter
“Mam wasn’t killed in a shooting.” Shane hands turn white as he grips them tightly.
“Tom knew the pathologist who was taking care of Mam.” Even speaking about it now is painful. I hate to think of how she really died.
“The shooting was staged. She was already dead. Someone broke her neck.” Shane pushes his chair out slightly, the horror evident in his eyes. He loved her as much as I did, so for now, I would give him that bit of respect.
“The fact that someone tried to cover it up meant they regretted it, it was an accident maybe, but it was also someone close.”
“Someone close?” The denial is evident on his face, but when Tom had first presented this to me, it took days for it to sink in.
“Someone must have discovered that she was having an affair with Tom.”
“Dad wouldn’t hurt her. None of us would.”
“I know what you’re saying Shane, and I get it’s painful, but the truth is, someone she knew killed her, because they discovered something about her. So my logic asks who gathers information and sends it back down the line?”
Shane’s not going to get this because his mind is stuck on how she really died.
“His informant, whoever that is, must have told whatever it was they killed her for. We find him, we find out who killed her.”
“But I don’t know who he is.”
I’m nodding. “But that’s your ticket to stay alive. Find out who the informant is, and I’ll take care of the rest.”
I reach my hand across the table. “Do we have a deal?” His hand shake is limp, and sitting with him wouldn’t help. He needs time to let that sink in.
“I want Bernard’s body here by tomorrow,” I tell him, and he looks up at me. His eyes flicker around the room like he just woke up.
“Okay.” His low word I hear.
***
I spend much of the day packing up my bag. Da had texted me we are meeting tomorrow in the same hotel in Monaghan. If Shane doesn’t have the hearse ready, I can always come back for Bernard, but telling Dad face to face is important. My stomach churns every time I think of telling him.
A knock on my door has me peering up. Una is half in my room. “Hi.”
“What do you want Una?” I stuff the remainder of my clothes into a rucksack.
“You’re leaving?”
I glance up at her. “Yeah, I think I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
The bed dips as Una sits down. “I’m so sorry for putting my hand on you yesterday.”
I shrug “It’s fine.” But it’s not. I’ve lost respect for her. Maybe time will give it back, but right now, I can’t look at Una the same.
“It’s not fine. I had no right.”
“Una, I know you mean well. But I have a lot of shit going on. So…”
Her cheeks darken, and she stands folding her arms across her chest. “If you need me for anything just ring.”
“Yeah, I’ll keep you on speed-dial.”
“I’m not the enemy here, Connor.”
I’m looking up at Una again. “Neither am I. I’m one of the good guys.”
Her eyes mist over, and I don’t want to make her cry. “It’s all fine. We’re good,” I tell her, but she starts shaking her head.
“No, I know you. I’ve really hurt you.” I tighten my grip on my bag.
“I’ll get over it.” Una stops me from leaving the room. Her arms tighten around my neck, and I can feel the warmth of her tears on my neck. Dropping my bag, I wrap my arms around her. “Don’t cry, Una.”
“I love you, Connor,” she says to me, and I kiss the side of her head.
“I love you, too.”
***
I stay at a hotel that night. I’ve taken Darragh’s jeep with me down to Monaghan. Shane still doesn’t have everything ready, but it will be soon. When I enter the hotel, I notice two men lingering in the lobby. My eyes are more tuned in. Dad sits in the same seat of the bar. I’m not sure if it’s lighting or what I’m about to tell him, but he looks older. His eyes more wrinkled. The embrace he gives me makes me sense he knows the information I’m about to deliver. Otherwise, I would have told him across the phone.
“I found Bernard.” I don’t beat around the bush.
“I, that’s what I thought. He’s dead, isn’t he?”
“Yes, Dad, he is.” His face pinches up as he looks out at the sea of chairs.
“Did you get the person who did it?” Now his eyes burn into mine.
“I did. I gave him a Ra death.” His large hand covers mine.
“Thank you, son.”
I hate lying, but it’s for the greater good.
“His body will be back up the north by tomorrow. We can bury him then.”
“Maybe it’s a good thing your mother is dead. This would kill her.” Any of us getting hurt would have killed Mam.
“I’ll start funeral arrangements.” Dad rubs his jaw, and he’s aged another five years in a matter of seconds.
“I’m going to head back, and I’ll be home tomorrow with Bernard.” We give each other a final embrace before I leave. Driving back has numbed me, I want to feel something about Bernard, but all I can muster up is anger towards Shane. I can’t seem to find any other emotion.
The hotel room is stark, almost empty. The bed has a floral cover and the room stinks of cigarette smoke. The thought of staying here for the night alone has me leaving the room. I ring Ava, and I’m actually surprised when she answers.
“Hi.” I pause walking down the hall.
“Hi.” She sounds breathless.
“I was wondering if you wanted to meet up now?”
There’s a long pause on her end, and I wonder if she is still there.
“I’m finished in an hour if you want to meet.”
“Will I pick you up?” A long pause, and my stomach tightens. She’s going to back out.
“Okay.”
“Okay.” I’m smiling into the phone. “See you soon.”
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
CONNOR
I haven’t felt this nervous in a long time. My fingers drum along the steering wheel as I wait across the road for Ava. Everyone seems to be coming out of the office but her. Now I wonder if she has changed her mind and is holding up inside, or if she has slipped out the back door.
My stomach tightens as she steps out of Gunnes. She looks so good; she looks up and down the street before her eyes settle on the jeep and then meet mine. Green eyes flare to life, and I swallow the panic which tears through me as she makes her way across the road. I don’t want to fuck this up. I lean across and open the door.
“Thanks.” She’s nervous, too, as she climbs in.
“You look good,” I say, and she gives me a tight smile before searching her bag. She hands me a card. “It’s a mass card for your friend.” I take it, and it feels heavy in my hands.
“It’s my brother.” I tighten my grip on the mass card.
“Oh, Connor, I’m so sorry.” Her small hand touches my arm, and I look at her.
“He was one of the good guys,” I tell her and swallow the lump in my throat.
“How did he die?” She moves her body, so it faces me.
“It was a bar fight, an unlucky blow,” I tell her gripping the steering wheel.
When she touches me again, I face her. I want to kiss her so much, but her eyes are filled with hesitation the moment I lean in.
“I’m so sorry for lying to you. But I was going to tell you the truth.”
She frowns and swallows.
“I love you, and I just want another chance with you.”
She gazes up at me from under her lashes. “I love you, too, and I want to try again.”
Her words have me smiling. “But I can’t bear if you lie to me again.” I pull her into my arms. She hesitates for only a moment before she lets me hold her.
I inhale the sweet scent of Ava, and it’s home to me. So familiar. “God, I missed you.” I kiss the top of her head, and she looks up
at me now. “I missed you, too.” When her eyes move to my lips, I don’t hesitate and kiss her. Her lips feel softer and warmer than I remember, and I deepen the kiss wanting her so badly right now.
When we break apart, she smiles up at me. “We are in a public place.”
“You want to go home?” I turn the jeep over.
“Actually, I moved back in with my nan.”
“If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
She kisses me softly on the lips. “But we could always use it to meet up, since you did pay rent for a year.” Her smile has me pulling away from the curb. The car can’t seem to move fast enough.
“Oh the keys are inside.” Once we arrive, Ava actually looks disappointed.
“I have a key after we installed the new locks,” I tell her and open my wallet where I keep the lone key.
“Okay.” She’s chewing her lip, and I lean across and kiss her. Her hands are on my face tugging me closer, but it’s not close enough. Her skin feels softer as I let my fingers run under her shirt. My touch has her pushing her tongue deeper into my mouth, and I moan.
“Let’s go in.” She’s nodding while reaching the door handle. Her eagerness is matched with my own, and it’s not just about having her now. It’s hope that we can mend things. My foot kicks the door closed as I move us into the bedroom. A trail of clothes is left behind, and when we reach the bedroom, we are nearly undressed.
My fingers dive down, and she inhales sharply when I push two of them inside her. I want to watch her. My own need grows as her nipples brush my chest. Each step towards the bed, I remove my fingers before inserting them again. She spreads her legs instantly once she is on her back. My own need soon replaces my fingers, and I don’t hesitate as I pump myself inside her. Dipping my head, I take a hard nipple in my mouth, and Ava thrashes under me, her nipples growing in my mouth. Leaving her breasts, I find her mouth, our kisses urgent and wet as I pump harder and faster. Our moans are mingled with flesh hitting flesh, and my release is so close. Ava’s face is twisted in pleasure. Taking her nipple between my fingers, I squeeze taking her over the edge as she covers me with her wetness. I let my seed pour into her before I slow down my thrusts.
I’m kissing her neck and face while trying to catch my breath. “I missed you,” I tell her chest, and she shakes under me. When I look up she’s laughing.
“You missed my breasts?” she teases, and her smile is worth everything.
“I did.” The answer has her giggling. “They are such beautiful breasts.” I touch them, and she hisses.
“They are too sensitive right now.”
My body wouldn’t mind going again, but I need to slow my pace with Ava.
“Are you hungry?” I ask, placing a kiss on her lips.
“I think so.” I grin at her wide eyes and remove myself from her.
“I’ll order a pizza.”
As I get dressed and make my way into the living room, the emptiness of the apartment shows that Ava doesn’t live here. I order the same pizza on my phone before putting it into my back pocket. The contracts sit on the breakfast bar, a pen on top of them. She never signed.
“It didn’t feel right to stay here.” She moves up behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist. I cover her hands with one of mine.
“That’s okay. It’s here if you want it.” Ava moves around so we are facing each other. “I’m going to stay with my nan for a while.” I wrap my arms around her, and she’s tiny in my arms as I look down on her.
“Well, we can use it to meet up.”
Her cheeks darken, but her lips tug up into a smile. “I think that’s a good idea.”
“Me too. I might stay here for a while myself. If you’re okay with that?”
“Of course, it’s your place. But are you not happy at home?”
“It’s crowded,” I answer, and she laughs.
“I know you live in Whitewood house. It’s huge.”
I kiss her on the nose before I speak. “Finn, Darragh who you met, and Shane.” I say his name quickly and can see her flinch. “Also Liam. they are all my half-brothers. But my dad is also their uncle.” Yeah, this all sounds messed up.
“So my other half-brother Bernard died. I got on with him, and both families don’t get on, so I just need some space.”
“Sounds very complicated.”
“Yeah, it is.”
Ava pulls me into a strong hug. “I’m here if you need to talk.”
“I know.” The pizza arrives then, and I’m happy so we can move away from the topic of my family.
Once we are seated again, I ask about Nan and her new job. Watching Ava talk about her job with such enthusiasm and her nan with such affection, it’s really nice, and I find myself relaxing more than I have in a long time.
But it doesn’t last long as the topic moves onto Brian. “I know I asked you before about Brian, but I just think it’s strange that the guards haven’t asked me for a statement.”
I don’t want to lie to her, but the truth isn’t something I think she could accept. “I promise you, he will never bother you again.”
Ava drops her pizza. “See, what does that even mean Connor? Does it mean you didn’t bring him to the guards?”
“I can tell you the truth, but you can’t unhear it. So I hope you can just trust me when I say it’s over. You’re safe.” My heart pounds as I wait for Ava’s verdict. She chews her lip before she answers.
“I trust you.”
Taking her face in my hands, I kiss her. “Thank you.” Her saying she trusted me means everything to me. Our conversation drifts back to safe ground, and the day turns to night before we even know it. I forget about Bernard, about my mother’s death. I forget about not belonging. Ava makes me feel like I’m part of something. Her smiles are infectious, and my chest tightens at the thought that I almost lost her.
Her yawns are growing closer. “We better get to bed. Are you working tomorrow?” She’s standing and gathering up our dinner that’s gone cold. “Yeah an early rise.”
“Yeah me too. I can drop you to work.”
“That would be great.” I let her ring her nan to tell her she’s safe as I get ready for bed. I check my phone.
I have everything ready.
It’s a message from Shane. I will bring Bernard home tomorrow, and we can bury him.
“Everything okay?” Ava asks. I hadn’t heard her enter the room.
“Yeah, just thinking about the funeral tomorrow.” She pauses getting changed.
“Let me come with you.” The idea of Ava with me is tempting, but I’d be bringing her to an IRA funeral. “No, it’s fine. It’s down the north. But thanks.” She looks slightly disappointed as she slips under the covers.
“I love you,” I say, and my heart gives a little kick when she says it back. I fall asleep with Ava in my arms, and it’s the first full night sleep I’ve had in a long time.
***
The markets area of Belfast has come to a standstill. Thousands have gathered for Bernard’s funeral. I’m up front carrying his coffin. The Irish flag is covering the coffin, the colors so bright in a sea of black.
I’m front left, along with Seamus and Matt. My dad is on the right with Kieran and Joe. The six of us carry Bernard’s coffin. As we pass, the streets are silent. The unnatural stillness of the onlookers and some camera crews are a reminder of what we represent for the people.
Some bow their heads in respect. Others huddle their children away from us like the sheer sight of us might send them down the wrong path. We are the Irish Republican Army. A force that’s been protecting the Irish Catholics and trying to take our country back from the British. Our steps are in unison as we make the journey to the Milltown Cemetery where Bernard will be laid to rest in a republican plot.
As we lower his coffin, we pause just above the opening as six fighters step forward, their faces covered in green masks. Their green uniforms pressed and perfect. Guns are armed and fired into the air. Each shot makes my body jump; I
keep still on the outside but inside, my heart beats to the drums that play in the background. We lower Bernard into the ground and step aside as the priest finishes the funeral. I keep my head bowed and don’t look around me. I know the biggest names are here along with the camera crews. I don’t want to be on the front page of the paper.
Once the funeral is over, the crowds disperse.
“Thank you, son.” Da walks with his arm across my shoulder.
“He went off with respect,” I say.
“Great to have you back, Connor.” Seamus falls into step beside me. His weather beaten face wasn’t from spending too much time outside. When you lead so many men, it tends to take its toll on you.
“Thank you, sir.”
“Are you staying long?” I glance over my shoulder at Matt as he walks behind us. He’s the same age as me and got on well with Bernard. “Nah, I have to go back.” The longing to stay isn’t lost in my words.
Seamus and Dad walk together as Matt catches up to me. He offers a smoke, and I take it.
“Fucked up what happened to Bernard,” he says as he lights it up. I take the outstretched lighter and light up my own cigarette.
“Yeah, I know man.”
We leave the graveyard grounds and walk with the crowd. It dwindles unitl only a hundred of us are left, and we make our way into Ronnie Drew. The pub is packed when me and Matt get there. Irish music is being beaten out by a young group of singers.
“Ah, Connor you came back.” Margaret, Matt’s sister drinks from a straw in her glass.
“Yeah, just for the funeral.” She pouts her lips and runs her hand down my suit jacket.
“You look like James bond.” She winks, and I smirk at her.
“Jesus, Margaret, you’re like a dog in heat.” Matt scares her off, and we make our way to the bar.
Matt and Margaret are Irish twins. When Matt was one month old, his mother was pregnant with Margaret.
“Two Guinness,” Matt orders, and I have to shoulder and push my way to the bar.
“So what have you being doing?” Matt hands me a pint, and I drink half of it in one go.