by Colm Toibin
‘It’s great being out of hospital,’ he said.
Helen wondered if he knew how close to the end he was, or if he could live for much longer than anyone predicted. She wondered how much they had told him; it was something, she thought, she must remember to ask Paul. She imagined for an instant them turning on the news and hearing that a cure for AIDS had been invented and would have instant success even for people who’d had the disease for years.
When Declan went to bed, the three women sat in the kitchen eating sandwiches. There was an uneasy peace between them; they chose topics with care and then moved cautiously, alert to the friction which even a stray word could cause. Eventually Helen went out to Declan’s car and brought in the groceries she had bought in Dublin and also the rest of the bedclothes from her mother’s car.
As she passed Declan’s room, she saw that the lamp was still on. He was lying on his back staring at her.
‘It’s strange being here, isn’t it?’ he said.
‘Yes, I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it.’
‘You can close the door,’ he said. ‘I’m going to turn off the lamp and try and sleep.’
‘Declan,’ she said, ‘if you wake in the night and need someone, you can come into my room and wake me.’
‘I’ll be all right,’ he said. ‘I hope I’ll be all right.’
FIVE
Helen woke and looked at her watch; it was ten o’clock. She heard sounds: voices and something being pulled or pushed. She lay back and dozed, and then woke fully and lay with her hands behind her head. Her mind kept wandering back to her mother’s house, and the glimpses she had had the previous day of her new life. She could not understand how her mother faced going back to that house after a day’s work, or why she had chosen to live alone so far from the town.
She remembered hearing from Declan how the old house had been sold. Declan had mentioned this casually, as though he were telling her that their mother had changed her car. He was surprised at how upset Helen had become, and admitted that although he had known it for some time he did not think it was important enough to tell her. When had the sale happened, she had asked him, and he told her that their mother had moved to Wexford four or five months before. And who had bought the house? Declan told her that he had not the slightest idea. And what had happened to the furniture, the ornaments, the pictures, the photographs? Declan laughed at her concern about these and said he didn’t know.
‘There were things belonging to me in that house,’ Helen said to him.
‘What things? Don’t be so stupid!’
‘Things in my room. Books, photographs, things that mattered to me.’
‘She cleared out your room years ago.’
‘She had no right to do that.’
The house was gone now. In her mind, she went through the rooms again, how each door closed – the door to her parents’ room almost noiseless, the door to Declan’s room more stubborn, impossible to open or close without alerting the whole house – or the light switches – the one outside the bathroom which Declan when he was tall enough loved turning off while someone was inside, the light switch inside her bedroom door, firm and hard, to be turned on and off decisively, unlike the light switch in her parents’ room, which could be switched on and off with a little flick.
She pictured the house empty and ghosdy, like a ship under water, as though it had been left as it was on the last day she saw it. The box of Mass cards and sympathy cards for her father under her parents’ bed, and another box full of old photographs. The opening to the attic covered by a square of wood which could be shifted sideways on a windy night.
Someone else lived there now. This was what happened to houses, Declan told her. Get over it, he said in a mock American accent.
In the days after she heard about it, however, nothing about the sale of the house seemed to her normal or inevitable. In the first year of their relationship, she had made an agreement with Hugh that she would tell him when she was upset or worried, that she would not keep things botded up, as was her habit, withholding something important from him so that he would find out only months later the cause of a period of silence and blackness. But she could not tell him about the house and her feeling on hearing the news of the sale because she could not think why she should mind so much.
She was angry with her mother, having tried to feel nothing about her for years, and having believed that her mother would never be able to provoke her again. She remained for days in a silent rage. Hugh watched her pretending it was nothing until she realised that she would have to tell him what it was. He was puzzled by the source of the anger, and he wondered if it was not about something else.
He told her that she would have to resolve it by talking about it; he loved the language of emollience and reconciliation. They went to bed early and she talked for hours while he held her and listened. He tried to understand, but the conflicts were too sharp and too deeply embedded for him to fathom. She felt she needed to revisit the rooms of the old house, even in her imagination, knowing that something had ended. She needed, she thought, to let it end, to ease it out of herself. These rooms no longer were hers; instead, now, the rooms of the house she shared with Hugh and the boys belonged to her.
It was a few days later as she was driving home from school that a thought struck her which caused her to pull in and sit in the car and go back over everything again. It was this: she could not put the house and its sale out of her mind because she believed that she would some day go back there, that it would be her refuge, and that her mother, despite everything, would be there for her and would take her in and shelter her and protect her. She had never entertained this thought before; now, she knew that it was irrational and groundless, but nonetheless, as she sat in the car, she knew that it was real and it explained everything.
Somewhere in the part of her where fears lay unexplored and conflicts unresolved, there was a belief that the life she had made with Hugh would fail her; not precisely that he would leave her, but more exactly that she would some day or night appear at her mother’s door asking to be taken in and forgiven and her mother would tell her that her room was always there for her, and that she could stay as long as she liked. The boys did not exist in this scenario, nor the possibility that she could ever take refuge in her mother’s new house, and she realised that it was a fantasy, and something that she must not think about. However, it overcame her like a sudden nausea, and she knew that she could not tell Hugh about it, it would seem too dark and disloyal to him, it would frighten him even more than it frightened her.
She had it in the open now – she was sure she was right about it – and she would have to combat it quietly herself, tell herself over and over that she would never need to appear at her mother’s door like this, or sleep, comforted by her mother, in her old room. The house was gone, she thought. I have a new house. But the dark thoughts about the old house continued to trouble her.
And it was only now that it struck her that Declan had just the previous evening enacted the fantasy that she had feared so much. He had come back asking for comfort and forgiveness, as she had felt she would, and they had been ready for him, as though they too had always been alert to their side of the bargain. She was frightened by the symmetry in this, but she did not know what it meant.
Her grandmother came in with a cup of tea and put it on the locker beside her bed.
‘Declan’s just up,’ she said. ‘He’s in the bathroom. Lily went into Wexford at the crack of dawn, she said she’d be back sometime this morning.’
As soon as Declan had finished in the bathroom, Helen got up and had a shower and dressed herself. The day was overcast and windy. When she went into the kitchen, Declan and her grandmother were there, Declan sitting beside the Aga looking frail and uneasy.
‘It’s a terrible day,’ he said. ‘Granny says it might clear up, but it’s a terrible day.’
She realised that he was trapped here now, that he had dreamed about
this house and the cliff and the strand, but the dreams had not included the possibility of an ordinary morning, with a grey sky and a whistling wind, had not included his trying to talk to his grandmother as she washed up. Her first urge was to think of an excuse to go into the village, offering perhaps to take Declan with her, and to stay there for as long as she could. Her grandmother, she presumed, was as uncomfortable as they were, her routine destroyed by these two half-strange interlopers.
‘Do you go into Wexford much, Granny?’ Helen asked as her grandmother sat down at the kitchen table.
‘Oh, I go in once a week,’ she said and sipped her tea.
‘How do you get in?’ Helen asked.
‘This only started last year when I sold the sites,’ her grandmother said, moving over to sit at the kitchen table. ‘I decided that I would go to Wexford every Wednesday. So I asked around and I discovered that Ted Kinsella in Blackwater ran a sort of hackney service. So I arranged with him that he would drive me into Wexford on a Wednesday morning and collect me outside Petit’s supermarket at four o’clock. And I paid him very well for this, as you can imagine. And it was lovely.’ Her grandmother smiled and continued. She appeared to relish this opportunity to talk. ‘I had the day to myself. I would buy a paper and a magazine and sit in White’s or the Talbot and have tea and then I’d wander through the town and look at the shops, and I tried out every place for lunch in the whole town. You’d have to go early or late, or else you’d get into a crush with all the office people. And, of course, I’d avoid your mother.’ She laughed, almost maliciously. ‘And then I’d go to the supermarket and I’d do the whole week’s shopping. I didn’t know myself. But it couldn’t last, of course. Didn’t Ted Kinsella let it be known around that he was driving into Wexford twice of a Wednesday, and didn’t he start bringing in all sorts of people with him? Oh, they’d want to know all your business, and they’d look up in your face as they’d ask you were you going to sell any more sites. And then one day – this was the week before Christmas – Ted arrived and told me, if you don’t mind, that he had to collect another passenger at five and would I like to wait in the car or would I like to wait somewhere else. And he was already ten minutes late! Oh, I cleaned his clock for him now. I was raging. And I was paying him the same as I was paying him when I drove in on my own. So when I got home I sent him a note with Tom Wallace the postman saying that I wouldn’t be going into Wexford any more. I gave no reason. Sure he knew the reason.’ She paused and pursed her lips as though she was indignant once again.
‘So I thought about it and after a week or so – and I had got used to going in there, it brightened up my whole week – I rang Melissa Power, who’s Lily’s secretary. I used to know her father and she’s very private. Lily had sent her out here a few times with messages when she was too grand to come herself. And I told her not to tell Lily I rang – I was in the phone box in Blackwater – and I asked her who the best taxi driver in Wexford was. I knew there were a few because I had seen ads for taxis in the People. And she gave me the name Brendan Dempsey and I rang him, and he said that it would be expensive all right, but in actual fact it was less than that old fool Ted Kinsella had charged me, and he sounded very nice, very refined, and I go in with him now – oh, he has a beautiful car, I don’t know what it is, and I tell him I feel like the Queen of Sheba sitting in it, and some days he knows I don’t want to talk, and he always asks me if he can turn the radio on. And he’s interesting, he follows the news and he doesn’t put his nose into my business, so I have a lovely day on a Wednesday.’
She sat at the table and looked at them both, as though defying them to contradict her.
‘You’re a great woman, Granny,’ Declan said.
‘Did you go to Wexford yesterday?’ Helen asked.
‘I did, Helen,’ she said. ‘So, with what you brought, we’re well stocked up now with plenty of groceries.’
They sat in silence for a while until they heard a car approaching.
‘Whisht now,’ their grandmother said; ‘that’s not Lily’s car.’ She went to the window and parted the lace curtains, and then she walked out into the hallway, closing the kitchen door. Helen and Declan could hear a man’s cheerful voice asking her if she was Declan’s granny.
‘Oh Jesus!’ Declan said.
‘Who is it?’ Helen asked.
‘It’s Larry. I didn’t think he’d come today.’
Helen remembered that Declan had told Paul to give directions to a Larry as well, and tell him to come as soon as possible, but clearly he was now embarrassed by his friend’s arrival. She wondered if he was content now with simply her and her mother and her grandmother, or if he felt awkward at the arrival of another uninvited guest.
Her grandmother came into the kitchen accompanied by Larry, who began to talk as soon as he arrived.
‘Will you look at you?’ he said to Declan. ‘You look as though you haven’t left that chair since you arrived. I’d say all the women are spoiling you.’
Helen watched as Declan instantly brightened up.
‘God, it’s very hard to find this place,’ Larry continued without getting his breath. ‘I went all over the country. No one knew any Breens, and then I realised that your granny mightn’t be called Breen.’
‘My granny is standing behind you,’ Declan said.
‘Will you look at the cats?’ Larry said, pointing to the top of the dresser. ‘What are they called?’
‘The black fat one is Garret and the other one is Charlie,’ Mrs Devereux said.
‘Are you serious?’ Larry asked.
‘Yeah, Larry,’ Declan said drily, ‘she’s serious.’
‘The skinny one looks just like Charlie,’ Larry said. ‘The names are gas. And is this your sister?’ He spoke without pause, smiling all the time.
Larry was too friendly, Helen thought, too open in his manner, but nonetheless he was, she felt, a relief after Paul, who was too formal and distant.
‘Don’t mind him,’ Declan said. ‘He only talks nonstop when he’s nervous.’
‘What?’ Larry asked. ‘Who’s nervous?’
‘Hey, Larry,’ Declan said, ‘shut up.’ He smiled at Larry.
‘Would you like a cup of tea, Larry?’ Mrs Devereux asked.
‘No, no, I’m all right, thank you,’ he said. ‘God, it’s gas the names of the cats.’
‘Stop, Larry,’ Declan said.
‘God, it’s a great place this,’ Larry said.
‘Did you bring your measuring tape?’ Declan asked. ‘I’m sure Granny wants some renovations done.’
‘I did, as a matter of fact,’ Larry said. ‘I have it in the car. Do you know I had real trouble finding this place?’
‘If you don’t shut up, we’re going to drown one of the cats.’
‘Declan!’ his grandmother said.
‘Granny, I have to say something drastic to shut him up.’
‘OK, OK, I’ll shut up,’ Larry said. ‘God, it was a long drive down.’
‘Both cats,’ Declan said emphatically. ‘We’ll drown both Garret and Charlie.’
‘What’s this about a measuring tape?’ his grandmother asked.
‘Larry’, Declan said, ‘is an architect.’
Helen noticed that Declan ate nothing at lunch, and when she and Larry and her grandmother had finished eating, he lay back in the chair beside the Aga and closed his eyes. Outside, the sky had cleared, but there was still a wind and no certainty that the sky would not cloud up again soon.
‘I’d love to go down to the strand,’ Declan said. ‘Not for long, just for a minute before it starts raining again.’ He kept his eyes closed.
‘Sure we’ll go down with you,’ Larry said.
Declan shaded his eyes with his hands all the time as they tried to make their way down the cliff, saying that the light was too much for him. Helen saw how frail he was as they helped him from step to step. When, finally, she and Larry were standing on the strand, having run down the last stretch, Declan sto
od alone, unable to manage. Larry offered to go back up and help him but then Declan suddenly ran down the bank of loose sand. He seemed pale and exhausted.
‘I should have brought my togs,’ Larry said and looked at the sea. There was a wind blowing a thin film of sand along the strand.
‘I want to stay here on my own for a while,’ Declan said. ‘I just want to sit here where there’s shelter. If the two of you go up, I’ll follow you later.’
‘Why don’t we go for a walk first?’ Larry asked.
‘No, I’ll just sit here,’ Declan said.
‘We can’t leave you here,’ Helen said.
‘Hellie, I’ll be fine. I just want to look at the sea and think, and then I’ll come back up.’
Helen told him about the gap to Mike Redmond’s house, which was easy to climb; she and Larry walked towards it.
‘Is he all right there?’ Helen asked Larry.
‘I got a big shock when I saw him in the room,’ Larry said. ‘He looks awful, doesn’t he?’
‘How long have you known him?’
‘Since college.’
‘Do you think we should leave him there?’
‘If that’s what he wants,’ Larry said.
‘Sometimes you forget he’s sick, or you don’t realise how sick he is,’ Helen said.
‘The problem is that he forgets as well,’ Larry said, ‘or he puts it to the back of his mind and then he remembers. It’s very hard.’
They walked up the gap until they came to the ruin of Mike Redmond’s house. Larry walked around it, touching the walls and the chimney breast.
‘Your granny is lucky that her house is further back from the cliff,’ he said.
‘There used to be a big garden in front of this house,’ Helen said.
‘The foundations are very thin and the walls are not very strong,’ Larry said.
‘Have you brought your measuring tape?’ she asked.
He looked at her earnestly. ‘Why?’
She laughed until it struck him that she was mocking him.