“Calon. This is it. I feel like I’m opening a new chapter of my life. I can finally turn the page on the shitty ones that came before it. I can’t believe the emotions I’m feeling right at this moment. It’s like I’m touching a part of my life I’ve never known.”
Calon shook his curly head and chuckled. He looked down at his hands on my knees then right back into my soul, “Gracie, you are beautiful...and if you think you’ve touched something amazing already...just wait until you connect with them.” He spun around with his hand out like he was officially introducing the audience to me. The crowd went nuts. There were people yelling my name, people whooping and hollering. I glanced back to the bar, and the most beautiful soul in the entire building used both hands to blow me a giant kiss. Jake. My forever.
“Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce you to someone very special to me.” Calon covered his heart with his hand and looked over at me and winked. “Give a warm Mitchell’s welcome to my friend and fellow rock star, Gracie Jordan!” He raised his hands and clapped over his head and the audience followed suit.
“You got this, Gracie.” He grabbed my face and kissed me on top of the head then joined the rest of the band at the corner booth closest to the stage.
I looked out at all the people in front of me. Their smiling eyes brought warmth into my soul. Some were people I knew, some were people I’d seen on campus from time to time, and some were complete strangers, but they were all giving me a chance to do something I hadn’t even known I craved. To just be me.
“Wow. Thank you.” I spoke into the mic, and they all quieted as though they were anxious to hang on every word. “I can’t tell you how surreal this is for me, but I’m glad we’re all doing this together. Music has been a lifesaver for me, and an unexpected boon that has pulled me from some pretty dark places. I’ve never played for this many people, but if I do this right, I will connect somehow with each one of you.”
I knew, at that moment, that I had uncovered a gift, a talent I’d never really invested in until after I walked away from Noah. And everyone knows, holding onto a gift for yourself isn’t nearly as amazing as sharing it with someone who will appreciate it.
“This song isn’t the typical Mitchell’s vibe. I’m not a Top 40s kind-of-girl, but I decided if I was going to take on this gig with Calon and the guys, I needed my opening song to be symbolic. This is ‘Skyscraper’ by Demi Lovato.”
I took a couple deep breaths as I got my fingers where they needed to be. But I sang the first two verses completely a cappella. The room went silent, and I lost myself in the lyrics. When I added Josephine, there was a remarkable resonance that filled the room. I made a decision, at that moment, to give them everything I had. By the end of the song, I was completely drained and wondered how I would get through the rest of my set.
My body jolted to attention from the ear splitting applause. And when I looked up, there was no doubt where I would find more energy. It would come from the people I just gave mine to. They were giving it back. I took it all in, every whistle, every holler, every sound.
“All right! Wow! Thank you! I am so in love with all of you right now. Calon paid you to do that, didn’t he?” There was laughter from all corners of the bar, and Calon actually stood and shook his head just to make a point.
“Okay, so I’ve got that out of my system. Who wants to hear some classic Nirvana?” I smiled at the reaction. I knew going from Demi Lovato to Nirvana would throw everyone for a loop. I hadn’t even told Calon what songs I’d do. He said he trusted me, so I looked over at his confused expression and winked. Just then, Yaz walked up to their booth and gave me thumbs up. He knew what I was going to play.
“This is ‘Come As You Are’ and I hope you like it.
They did.
I sang Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated,” “Kiss Me Slowly” by Parachute, and I ended with my own unique rendition of “Lucky” by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat. Jake heard the first few words and stopped in his tracks. He put the rocks glass he was filling on the bar and walked through to the center of the crowd.
Singing about how lucky I was to be in love with my best friend was the perfect way to end my very first opening act experience. When the song was over, I winked at him, and he headed my way.
“I can’t thank you all enough for being so patient with my jitters. I hope you enjoyed yourself...and if you didn’t, I can promise you will enjoy what’s coming next. The amazeballs men of Alternate Tragedy! Thank you so much!”
Jake walked right up onto the stage, wrapped his arms around me, and picked me up off the floor. He spun me as he pressed his lips to mine.
“You’re my favorite rock star.” His breath in my ear gave me goosebumps all over my body. I opened my eyes, and they just happened to land on a familiar face near the back. His face remained emotionless, and he turned and walked up the stairs. Alone.
Goodbye, Noah.
That night, I dreamed I was driving aimlessly through a town I didn’t know. Noah called and begged me to come find him. When I got to the address he’d given me, I could see him, but he never made it to the car. No matter how hard he tried to get to me, he couldn’t. Because he was nothing more than a reflection in the rearview mirror.
Forty-seven
Jake
“It was amazing. And I didn’t die. I truly enjoyed every single second of it.”
Her words all ran together. It was so fun to watch Gracie relive her first opening night with Calon and the guys. It had been four days, and she still shook from the sheer excitement every time she talked about it. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a turn-on to see her up there on that stage, killin’ it. But even more than that, it was like watching a transformation.
“Well, you’ll have to tell me when you’ll be there again. I’d love to come see you, Gracie.” Sylvia’s request was sincere. I knew she would be thrilled to see Gracie the way I had Friday night. We sat in Sylvia’s office in the Student Health building, at our very first counseling session together. We had just filled her in on finding the DVDs. She suggested we turn them over to police and let them decide what to do with them, especially since there was a case already building against someone else in the Sigma Chi house.
Gracie had asked me to come to counseling with her so we could talk to Sylvia about Gracie’s healing and how we were doing as a couple...well, a couple that was taking a break. The difference I had seen in Gracie in just the last couple weeks was like night and day.
“So, Jake, how are you doing with the break you and Gracie are taking?” Sylvia positioned her pen over her yellow legal pad and readied herself to jot down notes.
“I have to be honest, when Gracie first told me she wanted to take a break, and she said it was because I deserved better, I was pissed. I was tired of her continually reverting back to the Gracie she was with Noah. I knew that wasn’t the real Gracie, so I knew she was still struggling. I guess I was afraid she would leave me altogether, and I wouldn’t be able to keep her on a positive path.”
“And is that what happened?”
“Not at all. Look at her. She’s strong and self-assured. And happy. She’s so happy and comfortable in her own skin.”
“So, what do you take from that, Jake?”
“I realized she didn’t need me to stay on a positive path. She was determined to do it on her own, and instead of leaning on me, she proved to herself what she’s worth. It taught me that I was underestimating how strong she was. I didn’t know she could get herself here without me. And it feels amazing to see her so independent and secure.”
“Gracie, how do you feel about where you are right now in your journey?”
It was awesome to see that even Sylvia couldn’t wipe the grin from her face. Gracie’s transformation over the last two months was amazing.
“I never knew what I was capable of. All this time, I still believed the lies Noah told me with his words and in the way he treated me. When he humiliated me, he essentially was telling me I was lucky to
have him because no one else would want me. When he said and did deviant things to me, he was showing me I didn’t have any control over what happened to me. But now, I know all those things are lies. I’m just so pissed I didn’t realize it sooner. I wasted almost three years of my life believing lies that tore me to shreds.” Gracie took my hand in both of hers and laid them in her lap. The back of my hand tingled where it met her bare thighs.
“Actually Gracie, I don’t believe those years were wasted. Look how far you’ve come in such a short amount of time. Those years taught you about a place you didn’t want to be which gave you the path you are headed now.”
“I guess you’re right. So, what comes next?”
“What do you mean?” Sylvia tapped her pen on the yellow pad in her lap.
“Well, how do I know when I can invest myself in my relationship with Jake without sacrificing the strides I’ve taken so far?” She looked at me with sparkling hazel eyes then laid her head on my shoulder.
“What are you looking to gain from reconnecting with Jake in a romantic way?” Sylvia’s eyes darted back and forth between Gracie and me.
I thought about the question she asked. What did I want to gain by getting back together with Gracie?
“I want to feel that freedom that comes with not being guarded. I loved what Jake and I had, which is why it was so damn hard to walk away.”
My heart skipped a beat. She stole the words I didn’t know I had from my mind.
“Tell me what that is. What do you and Jake have that you are missing while you’re apart?”
“I spent years being guarded and filtering every thought before I spoke, so I wasn’t ridiculed or put down. When Jake and I are together, that wall I built is gone. There’s such a peace about how we are together. I can say anything or do anything without the fear of what his possible reaction might be. But this whole time we’ve been taking this break, I’ve had to be guarded so I don’t cross the line we created. I don’t like feeling guarded with Jake. We’ve never ever been that way.”
“So, you two haven’t crossed any lines since the beginning of June? Jake?”
Shit. I didn’t want to talk about this to Sylvia. I felt awkward, like I was taking an oral exam. But I promised Gracie I would, so I answered.
“Well, we’ve kissed a few times, and a couple weeks ago we went a little farther.” My stomach fell just thinking about the morning we woke up together and Gracie asked me to kiss her. It was the coldest shower I’ve ever had to take. “Gracie and I used to nap together all the time. Even when we were just friends. It was innocent, and we usually just fell asleep talking. We tried to do that about three weeks ago, and we both woke up craving each other.”
“So, what happened?”
I was nervous to answer her. I looked at Gracie for guidance and she took on that question. We were like a tag team.
“We started making out, and I have no self-control when it comes to Jake. But I knew if we crossed that final line and made love, it would sort of wreck all the independence I’d worked on securing within me. So, I stopped it. And he took a cold shower.”
“So, how would making love now feel?” She looked at Gracie which meant I was off the hook. Thank the Lord.
“The last few weeks of June were really up and down for Jake and me. He was having a tough time with my growing relationship with Calon, and I had walked into Mitchell’s to find Jessica, his ex, hanging on him. We were both still really unsure of what was going on, and I feel like we would have been making love to prove to ourselves that we were still connected. If we made love now, it would be to celebrate a connection we are certain was never lost.”
Instantly turned on.
Her words were so deep and so thoughtful. She was truly a brand new Gracie. I was in awe of her strength. What she had gone through with Noah over the past couple years sucked, but the strength that pain gave her was immeasurable. He’d tried to crush her, but she took that pain and built a whole new self from it.
“So, Sylvia,” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “How will I know when it’s appropriate for us to be together? I don’t want to cross a line that feels right at the time then regret it later. I don’t want to jeopardize all the progress she’s made.” I was a little proud of myself for blurting out my question. It really was something I’d been concerned about.
“This will sound cliché but you will just know. It will be magical, and there will be no doubt in either of your minds that it’s the right time.”
Gracie and I held each other’s gaze for a while, just letting that sink in. Wow, was that going to be an event. Physically, we craved one another, but when our minds are connected and her heart is strong and she is sure of herself...it will be epic. I smiled and knew neither of us had ever been where a moment like that would take us.
“What?” Gracie smiled and seemed curious as to why I was smiling.
“Nothing, just thinking.”
“So, Gracie, have you done anything to your apartment? You know, changed it up a bit?”
“Actually, I haven’t. I think that’s the only homework you’ve given me that I haven’t completed.”
“What are you supposed to do with your apartment?” I was curious, but after the question was out of my mouth, I was worried it was something I shouldn’t have asked.
“Sylvia was telling me that my apartment could actually be a trigger for me. It could push me back to a place of insecurity and fear because everything that happened started from that first night in my apartment when Noah told me about all the cheating.”
“Okay.” I said the word slowly, hoping something would click and I would understand what she was trying to explain.
“She said we should make some new memories there. They would sort of chase away the old ones, then my apartment would be less of a trigger because I’d have new, happy memories that would replace the bad ones.”
“So, what kinds of things are you thinking?” Making new memories to me meant making some memories on the couch, the kitchen counter, in the shower, on the floor....but I wasn’t about to let those thoughts out. The slap I got to the chest let me know Gracie knew exactly where my mind was going.
“Maybe, after we leave here, we could go to that Home Décor outlet out on Kingston Pike. We could buy some colorful pillows and art for the walls. We could change the room around and hang some curtains. It would be really fun to do it together, Jake. Just you and me.”
“That’s the idea. You two working together to transform your home, Gracie, will create a new sense of belonging that will reflect the Gracie you are now. You will walk into your apartment and see the present, not fight the past because everything looks and feels the same.”
****
Gracie and I stopped at the police station to turn over the DVDs before we went shopping for the stuff to transform her apartment. The policeman who took Gracie’s statement, said he wasn’t sure if the tapes could be used to press charges against Noah since the sex on them was consensual. Technically, what Noah did wasn’t a crime. But he said there was a possibility they could be used as evidence in a criminal complaint filed against the Sigma Chi Fraternity.
Gracie walked out of the police station with her shoulders squared and her head held high. She could finally wash her hands of that part of her story.
Well, three hours and four hundred dollars later, Gracie and I lugged a dozen bags into her drab apartment, ready to make it new again.
“Gracie, your phone is ringing. Where is it?”
By the time I rustled through all the bags and found it, her screen said “Missed call Stacy.”
I hit the call back button and put the phone on speaker and waited for her to hear who it was.
“Nice. You don’t answer when it could be the first time we talked in almost three months? I know my name came up on your screen. Nice, Gracie, real nice.”
“Stacy! I am so excited to hear your voice. I have so much to tell you.”
“Oh, my fuck! You’re pre
gnant!”
“No! Oh, holy hell, no! It will have to wait until you get back. It could take hours for me to tell you.”
“Well, that’s why I called. I’ll be back August 9th. And I’m staying for the rest of the summer.”
“Oh my word, Stacy! I knew I missed you, but hearing your voice is making me miss you so hard right now!”
“Are you crying? Gracie!”
“No, it’s just been a tough summer so far. I miss you so much!”
“Well, all I have to say is, I hope you’ve been living at Jake’s, because you know how I am about my stuff. I’ll know if you messed with anything. I’m planning on walking into the apartment and seeing it exactly like I left it!”
Gracie and I stared at each other. I had to cover my mouth so my chuckle would go unnoticed.
“Don’t you worry, Stace...you’ll be pleasantly surprised. I promise.”
The other line beeped.
“Stacy, I gotta go. Calon’s on the other line.”
“Calon? As in mother fucking hot as hell Calon?”
“Yes. I gotta go. I’ll see you soon! Love you!”
“Bye, Gracie! You have a lot of explaining to do!”
“I know, I know.”
It was fun being a voyeur in that conversation. Gracie’s smile wrapped around her face at the sound of Stacy’s voice, and that turned my insides to jelly. She answered her phone, but kept it on speaker so she could start unpacking the bags we’d brought back.
“Calon.”
“Hey, Gracie. I have a favor to ask.”
“Uh oh. Are you in jail?”
“Hell no! I need you to sing with me tomorrow night for an event I committed to. Manny was supposed to come and play guitar, but I, uh, forgot to tell him and he has something else going on. Please, Gracie.”
“All right.”
“Wow. That was easy. It’s at the psych ward at the hospital.”
Gracie’s eyes bulged out of her head and she yelled, “Calon!”
“I’m...kidding.” Calon could barely talk, he was laughing so hard. “But that was your first lesson in ask all the questions before you agree to a gig.”
On Solid Ground: Sequel to in Too Deep Page 28