by Jason Good
7. Recently, my wife said, “So Silas, to count all the way to one hundred, you go ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty, seventy, eighty, ninety, and then a bunch of the other numbers in between.”
8. I got a 900 on my SAT.
9. My wife thinks P.T. Barnum and John Wilkes Booth are the same person.
10. I don’t know how; to use semicolons.
11. Neither of us knows why pee is yellow.
12. Neither of us has read a book in at least six years.
13. We don’t know where salt water comes from.
14. My wife recently asked, “Egypt is in . . . Africa?” A teacher needs to know that for sure.
15. Porpoise or dolphin? No idea.
How to Know If Your Wife Has Been Drinking
We all need to cut loose every now and then. But you probably don’t drink quite as much now as you did before kids (if you drink more, that’s cool, too), so your tolerance is way down. Be careful out there. Here are some danger signs. Knowing them can prevent a situation where your wife (or husband) decides she (yes, or he) wants to move to Peru for no good reason.
1. She stares up at the moon and yells something like, “I don’t sleep at all at night and that makes me a little bitchy during the days, so if you don’t like it you can just stick it up your butt!”
2. She’s crying, but she’s not sad.
3. She wants to have sex, but you’re scared of her.
4. She wants to call her best friend from high school.
5. She starts talking about her favorite cartoon from childhood.
6. She specifically says, “You’re not even paying any goddamn attention to me, are you?” Before you can answer, she’s calling her best friend from high school.
7. She hasn’t talked about the kids for thirty seconds.
8. When you mention the kids, she responds, “Who? Oh, right. THEM!”
9. She says, and I quote, “Sometimes I have dreams that I own a tiger but it’s gentle like a house cat.”
10. She tries to make crêpes.
Nap Guilt
Parents aren’t allowed to nap, so when it happens, it’s emotionally loaded. I once fell asleep in bed for two hours while my wife entertained both children (one of them had screaming gas pains). Here are my thoughts in chronological order upon waking.
1. Oh God, that was amazi . . . wait.
2. Oh no, it’s been two hours.
3. There must be a catch. This can’t be real.
4. I’m too afraid to get up.
5. She has never taken a nap.
6. I don’t hear anything downstairs. Did she take the kids to France because I fell asleep during the day?
7. Okay, relax, you’re just gonna have to pay this back somehow.
8. Oh, it’s Sunday too. Sundays are supposed to be special.
9. Oh no, someone’s coming up the stairs.
10. Do I pretend I’m still asleep or do I get up real quick?
11. I’ll just say I’m sick.
12. No! You know what? I deserved that nap!
13. No I didn’t.
Napping Isn’t the Only Way to Torture Your Co-parent
Your partner is the person with whom you share life’s most heinous but rewarding chore. Your co-parent needs to know that you’re looking out for her or him. Here are some ways to fail at that. Many of these have repercussions for both of you.
1. Get a cold
2. Get a haircut
3. Visit an old friend
4. Eat the kids’ food (this is grounds for divorce)
5. Engage in “Netflix infidelity” whereby you watch future episodes of a television program you had previously agreed to watch together
6. Take up a hobby
7. Get drunk
8. Quit drinking
9. Take a shower
10. Let a three-year-old take a nap after 3:30 P.M.
11. Go to bed before the kids
12. Tell the kids they’re not allowed to watch any more TV right before you leave for work
13. Sustain any kind of injury
14. Give a kid chocolate after 7 P.M. when it’s not “your night”
15. Buy a child RAD shoes . . . with laces
16. Teach a child to whistle
17. Teach a child how to create a Pandora station
18. Teach a child how to control the volume on the television
19. Mention something to the kids about possibly, maybe, just maybe going for ice cream seven hours before it’s okay to go for ice cream
How to Maintain the Magic
It’s far too easy to forget about your relationship when you’re so busy tending to the needs of young kids. But, you know what they say: happy parents, happy kids. My point is, if your marriage is being neglected (I hate that word—marriage isn’t a puppy), you’ll break up and then have to do all this stuff by yourself and no one wants that. So, be sure to maintain the magic in your soul-union by following my advice.
1. Schedule sex, but be realistic. Try just once a week (Thursdays work well). And stick to it no matter what! Unless, of course, you’re too tired.
2. Go out to dinner at 5 P.M. so the baby sitter doesn’t have to “do bedtime.” It’s super-fun because you’ll be the only two there who aren’t over seventy.
3. Sleep in separate beds. Weird, right? But look, parents aren’t having sex at night (or in the morning) anyway. This way, when SPECIAL THURSDAY rolls around, it’ll feel like you’re “doing it” in a hotel (to one of you at least) and that’s sexy, right? I have no idea.
4. Read to each other. I’m kidding.
5. I can’t stress this enough: Couples stay together primarily because they like the same television shows.
6. For the dudes: Buy flowers. I know, I know. Listen, I have no idea why this works so consistently and so flawlessly, but it does. Don’t spend too much time thinking about it. Just do it.
7. Dudettes: Don’t forget Special Thursdays, unless we do too. Also, buy us socks; it makes us feel like we’re being taken care of. No, I can’t explain why that is. Oh, and when we’re in the bathroom, don’t ask, “Are you almost done?”
Ridiculous Apologies
One of the most important things to remember when you’re a co-parent is that everything is your fault. Just suck it up and apologize. I’m sorry . . .
1. I squeezed your foot incorrectly while massaging it.
2. I said “sh*t” in front of our son and his teacher, and his teacher’s mother.
3. I replied with, “How the hell would I possibly know that?” when you asked me why a YouTube video wouldn’t load.
4. I chewed a tortilla chip too loudly.
5. I make fun of the goat cheese you eat every night that smells like the foot of a medieval peasant.
6. I bent the stem on one of your earrings while using it to pop the SIM card out of your phone.
7. The universal remote doesn’t seem to be functioning in an intuitive manner.
8. The patio rug I bought doesn’t match the magnolia bush like you thought it would.
9. I don’t put my used Q-tips in the nice ceramic tray you were kind enough to place on my desk with a “Put your gross Q-tips here J” note attached to it.
The Duties of a Twenty-First-Century Father
Some things about fatherhood never change. A father is still in charge of killing dinner and defending his family from rogue bandits. Fine, we’re responsible for slightly less masculine stuff, such as:
1. Rebooting things
2. Syncing things
3. Lifting things
4. Hiring other people to lift things
5. Cooling off food with our GIANT MAN LUNGS
6. Mowing (I’ve never seen a woman mowing the lawn. The mere thought is comical and I’m not sure why.)
7. KILLING THINGS (bugs)
8. Plunging (toilets)
9. Carrying (children, groceries . . . that’s pretty much it)
10. Fixing things (electronics only)
11. Hiring people to fix everything else
12. Talking to the people hired to fix everything else
13. Pumping (gas)
14. Grilling (like mowing, I’ve never seen a woman use an outdoor grill)
15. Answering the phone when the call is from an unlisted number
16. Carving (roasts, initials, etc.)
17. Investigating strange noises after 8 P.M.
18. Calling the police (because you’re too afraid to investigate a nighttime sound)
Fourteen at Forty
If you’re a young parent, nice job; you did it the right way. You had kids before you were too tired to fully appreciate them. My wife and I didn’t have our first until we were thirty-six and thirty-five. Now that we’re both over forty and our kids are at their most energetic, we often wish we’d . . . Hang on, my wife would like to say something:
“IT’S ALL JASON’S FAULT BECAUSE HE WAITED
FIVE YEARS TO PROPOSE TO ME.
WE COULD HAVE DONE
ALL OF THIS MUCH EARLI . . .”
Okay, she’s gone. Sorry about that.
Here are fourteen things I know about myself at forty years old that I didn’t know when I was thirty. I hope this can be of some help to those of you still trying to find your way through the forest of enlightenment (no idea what that means).
1. I can occasionally wear sandals and not feel like a guy who wears sandals.
2. I’m finished experimenting with facial hair.
3. A hug from one of my sons is the only thing that stops time.
4. I’m not Zen enough to understand the rules for being Zen.
5. Real men sit down to pee if they’re super tie-tie.
6. Whatever age I am when I die, there will be a zit somewhere on my body.
7. My wife loves me deeply, but she also might want to kill me.
8. I’m only good for about five more rounds of trying to enjoy tea.
9. It’s not that I’m indecisive; there are just way too many fonts.
10. Being happy is a pointless goal. It’s simply a side effect of doing something I enjoy.
11. It’s okay to avoid someone completely just because of their name.
12. I’ll never wear slacks.
13. Whiskey tastes bad for a good reason.
14. This list will be ridiculous in ten years when my gray handlebar mustache is stained brown from tea and I’m ironing slacks.
Without Mom, There Is No Us
I am in a perpetual state of awe about how my amazing wife is able to maintain her grace throughout all the insanity. Maybe it’s a hormone that’s released in women, or maybe she’s just particularly amazing. Either way, I’m blown away by . . .
1. Her patience
2. Her confidence
3. Her persistence
4. The intimidating speed at which she can make a sandwich
5. How she always knows the right thing to say when one of our kids is sad
6. How quickly she can snap out of a bad mood
7. That she doesn’t get angry when I find her secret stash of candy and eat the whole bag
8. That she’s able to hold her tongue while I incorrectly assemble a piece of IKEA furniture
9. Her sense of humor
10. Her sense of humor about herself
11. How much she’s given up, and how much she appreciates what she’s gained in return
12. That she believed I could be a writer
13. That the funniest parts of this book were probably her idea
14. That this list made her cry (crossing my fingers . . . and yes, it did)
LOWERING YOUR STANDARDS
Let your home be exactly what it is: a scared-straight program for prospective parents. Open your doors to those special couples thinking of having children of their own. They need to know what they’re getting into and that, despite their best intentions, their child, like yours, will often be naked on the floor eating yogurt with his hands.
Baby Wipes Forever
I’m not proud of it, but on my list of priorities, “conserving paper” is right above “inventing a car that runs on pee.” If you told me I had to stop using a box a day of unscented baby wipes, I would say, “Well, then, I guess this is the end, isn’t it?” When I change a diaper, I lay out a dozen wipes like I’m setting up a game of wipe solitaire. We have a box in every room and use them for a variety of off-label uses, including:
1. Degreasing my phone
2. Crushing bugs
3. Moistening a temporary tattoo
4. Wiping down the refrigerator handles
5. Creating a moist mummy hand for picking up a yogurt-soaked cracker
6. Giving myself a crotch bath
7. Cleaning mulch off a hot dog
8. Wiping snot off the window
9. Wiping snot off the iPad
10. Spot-cleaning my jeans
11. Removing the cheese from a grilled cheese sandwich
12. Removing the peanut butter from a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
13. Removing cheese and peanut butter from my sock
14. Cleaning puke off a shoe
15. Prying a raisin off the bottom of a shoe
16. Cleaning a shoe print off of someone’s face
When Listening Is Impossible
Kids talk constantly, and usually do so with complete disregard to whether we can hear them. Because I care about all of you, here’s a list of a few things that you can yell from another room when you can’t tell what your kid said because you were busy giving CPR to a pet. They might find your response confusing, as it will often be a non sequitur. But at least this should buy you some time to finish paying your taxes, or have sex (j/k. No one does that).
1. Oh, that? I think it’s broken or maybe Mommy lost it.
2. I heard about that!
3. SUPER DUPES, ZONKSTERS, ZONK-CITY, COOL BEANS KIDDO! (You get the idea.)
4. Are you touching the table with your foot again? Awesome.
5. Okay! Let me take my pills first.
6. No, it’s not too hot. Just eat it.
7. No hitting or slamming anything.
8. We don’t have the right kind of batteries.
9. Uh oh. That doesn’t sound good.
10. I’m on the toilet! (Obviously, there’s no need to actually be on the toilet. It won’t matter to them anyway.)
11. Call 911.
12. Okay, just take your shoes off.
13. Of course! Just put your shoes on first.
14. Cool! Just don’t eat it.
15. Well, if it smells like food, it’s probably food.
16. Can’t right now. On. Fire.
17. Okay, just wash your hands.
18. One sec, I’m almost done vomiting.
19. Ask your mother.
I hope you can make good use of these. Oh, and good news for the women: Most of these will also work on your husband.
WAKE UP! It’s Morning
If you enjoy watching people struggle, I welcome you to my home on a particularly hectic weekday.
INT. SMALL BEDROOM (1), MORNING: Jason, a father in his early forties, sleeps alone in a bed on the floor in an unadorned room.
MASTER BEDROOM: Lindsay, the mother, sleeps in a king-size bed. Beside her is a small sleeping child. This is Arlo. His foot rests on the mother’s cheek.
SMALL BEDROOM (2): Silas, a cute five-year-old boy, opens and closes his dresser drawers in a manner suggesting that he’s trying to make as much noise as possible.
SILAS (yelling): Daddy! Where’s my blue shirt with the octopus things on it?!??!!
BACK TO SMALL BEDROOM (1): Jason stirs, muttering something to himself. His eyes open slowly.
JASON: It’s dirty, wear something else.
SILAS (from small bedroom (2)): But I want it!
SMALL BEDROOM (1): Jason rolls out of bed, reaches for his phone to check the time, and exhales, exasperated.
CUT TO MASTER BEDROOM: Lindsay is still sleeping desp
ite Arlo jumping up and down on the bed.
ARLO: MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY
CUT TO KITCHEN, MOMENTS LATER: The Good family has risen and it is time to prepare breakfast at Downton. Silas sits at the kitchen table. Father, hair a mess and wearing jeans but no shirt, leans against the counter, chugging coffee. From upstairs, we hear Arlo.
ARLO: NO! I DON WANNA TAKE OFF DYPUR!
SILAS: Daddy, I want an egg with the soft kind of yellow part.
ARLO (from upstairs): GWEEN SOCKS!
LINDSAY (from upstairs): Jace, have you seen Arlo’s green socks?
JASON (yelling): NO!
SILAS (watching a pair of rainbow socks and a rolled-up diaper tumble down the stairs): Daddy, I said I wanted an egg.
ARLO (still in pajamas on Lindsay’s hip): GWEEN SOCKS!
LINDSAY: Arlo, I don’t know where your green socks are!
SILAS: Egg!
LINDSAY: Oh, for Christ’s sake. Fine. Jace, can you make Silas’s snack? Make sure you put in some protein and don’t use that huge ice pack, use the little elephant one.
SILAS: Yeah, Daddy, use the elephant. The big one makes my yogurt frozen. But not banana yogurt, I want the other kind.
JASON (walks to the refrigerator, tripping on a toy en route. He opens the fridge, but finds no yogurt): We don’t have any . . .
LINDSAY (cutting off Jason): Never mind. I’ll do it. You just find Arlo’s green socks.
JASON (walking around aimlessly in a daze): I think they must be in the car.
LINDSAY: Ugh, okay, I’ll find the green socks. You make the tuna fish. Oh, and make sure you put some apples in his lunch too or something. He has to eat fruit every day or he won’t poop.
SILAS: But what about my egg? I’m starving!
JASON: I’m trying to make your lunch.
LINDSAY (cutting off Jason): Never mind. I’ll make lunch, you make the egg.
ARLO: WANT MY GWEEN SOCKS!
SILAS: Daddy, I think Arlo wants his green socks. (saunters into the living room and starts doing a puzzle)