by Jason Good
INJURY: My elbow hurts (tendonitis?)
LENGTH: Permanent
CAUSE: Pulling both kids around in a clothes hamper using an extension cord as rope handle
INJURY: Tinnitus
LENGTH: Three months
CAUSE: Letting a three-year-old put a stethoscope in my ears because he promised to “only whisper” into it
INJURY: Forearm abrasions
LENGTH: Six days
CAUSE: Doing the military crawl through the tube maze at a kid’s play area to rescue my emotionally frozen child
INJURY: Tender hip
LENGTH: Three months
CAUSE: Slipped playing tag on wood floors while wearing socks. This was not my fault. My son kept changing the location of the base and, well, I was about to sit down in the chair (base) when he suddenly said, “No, all the walls are bases!” I attempted a quick change of direction, my feet came out from under me, I fell, and he totally tagged me.
Of course this is all worth it because my heart is full (of cholesterol, but also love).
Dear Sons
There are many, many things I’d like to say to my kids, but either I’m not articulate enough, too nervous, or they’re simply too young to understand them. So, I’ve chosen to put a few of them in this book. I hope they will check them out when they can read.
Dear Silas and Arlo,
1. Call me “Daddy” as long as you want. There’s no pressure at all to switch to “Dad.”
2. You have to stand sideways and lead with your opposite foot when you throw. Please listen to me, it’s important. But since you have a great singing voice, maybe it doesn’t matter.
3. You’re a catch. Trust me, kid—you’ll get any woman you want. Choose ones that remind you of your mom, only younger. If you choose a man, make sure he’s also like your mom.
4. You inherited my skin and hair. I’m sorry.
5. I’ve never punched anyone in my life. Follow my lead on that; it makes you strong, not weak.
6. I’m always right. Even if I’m wrong, it’s for the right reasons. Or because I’m being lazy. Or because I don’t know what I’m talking about but feel like I’m supposed to. You won’t understand that until you have kids of your own and that’s okay.
7. I never had a brother, but always wished I did. Please get along and don’t take each other for granted. If you become estranged when you’re older, it will break my heart.
8. Your grandfather is the most interesting person you’ll ever meet. He might not be with us for much longer. Cherish him.
9. I have attention span problems that make me unable to listen to long stories. But please don’t let that discourage you from telling me long stories. I love the first few minutes of them.
10. It’s possible to love someone even though they drive you insane. In fact, it might be a prerequisite.
Love,
Daddy
JASON GOOD is a writer, comedian, family man, and the blogger behind JasonGood.net. He lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota.