Her Dual Surrender

by Ines Johnson

  He was not upset that he’d fallen into harm’s way in the protection of another. It was in his nature to protect life, especially when that life was attached to a womb. What rankled him now was that he was expected to owe a debt to the child’s mother; a life debt. The price asked of him was far too high.

  “If you could just meet with her, brother, you would see how kind and considerate and compassionate she is.”

  Pakua glared at the awe on his brother’s large eyes. Yehfe couldn’t see his brother’s disdain. His head was tilted back, gaze focused on the ceiling of the room as though looking up at a multicolored supernova.

  And then he saw it. It was the same golden tendrils of his fevered dream. But when Pakua narrowed his eyes on the energy spiraling around his brother’s person, there was no fog. The spirals of energy pulsed bright with life.

  “Have you done it?” Pakua took his time to sit upright.

  Yehfe reached out to assist him. Pakua scowled and his brother retracted his hands.

  “Have you bound with her?”

  Yehfe’s chin dipped to his chest. “I have offered her my soul. And she has accepted the offering.”

  Pakua’s nostrils flared as he let out a noisy breath. “Felicitations on your bonding, brother.”

  “Our bond.”

  “I made no such commitment.” Pakua lips curled with disgust. “You can not determine the course of my existence based on your desires.”

  “My desire was for you to live.”

  “From the moment those females came aboard this ship, your true desires were clear.”

  Pakua knew that his brother’s deepest desires were to bind with a female and begin a family. The idea was an anathema to Pakua. He’d treasured his mother and cared for the other women in their tribe. When they lost them all due to the marring of their Yin fathers, their society had crumbled before them. They’d never been the same.

  Pakua had come to the conclusion that to bond with a female was to open one’s self to the possibility of madness. Why else would their race evolve incapable of producing the other gender?

  “As Eloheem, our lives are intrinsically linked,” said Yehfe. “We were born this way.”

  “I do nothing to impact the course of your life. You made a conscious decision; one you knew I did not want.”

  “Everything you do impacts the course of my life. Everything you do, or do not do. Every movement you take away from me. Every thought you lock me out of. Every time you turn away from me, it impacts the course of my life. You are my other half and you have shut me out.”

  Now it was Pakua’s chin that fell to his chest. “If I could separate from you I would.”

  Pakua didn’t need to look at his brother to feel the impact of his words. He slumped back onto the berth as Yehfe reached for his own gut. His pain rose through the room like humid air.

  “What you speak is madness,” said Yehfe.

  “It is my truth,” said Pakua. “I want to be free to live my life, and you free to live yours. I do not wish to bond myself to another living being. I do not wish to share their pain or their thoughts. I wish to be left alone.”

  Yehfe opened his mouth, but Pakua shut down. He heard his brother shudder as he blocked out Yehfe’s thoughts, his feelings, his soul.

  Pakua cloaked himself in darkness. It was painful to shut himself off from his brother, but it was the only way to show Yehfe his seriousness. When Pakua opened his eyes to the light of the room, Yehfe was gone.

  Pakua was alone at last. He sighed, slumping back down onto the berth. As he shifted, the skin at his hip pulled and angered the wound. He looked down at the gash. The assault should have ended him. The madness should have taken him.

  Perhaps it had?

  When he closed his eyes again, he saw her. He felt her. He tasted her. She was nowhere near him, but he couldn’t shut her out like he had his brother.

  He’d felt her throughout his illness. He felt her energy inside him now. Felt it cleansing the last vestiges of the marred energy from his spirit.

  He shifted on the bed again. Again, the wound let out an angry throb. But the healing power of the woman flooded the area, forcing the ache to back down.

  One way lay pain. The other way lay madness. Pakua did not know which way to turn.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “Take your marks.”

  Beulah sat against the wall listening to the sound of Chen’s calm voice as the younglings spread out.

  “Calm your spirits.”

  The boys didn’t close their eyes. Their large eyes glazed over as their focus turned inward. Eva wiggled in her mother’s lap as Chen opened an ornate box. A glow emanated from within. The small ball of light unfurled wings and rose into the air.

  “Look, mama,” Eva whispered. “It’s a Golden Snitch.”

  Harry Potter books had been banned in Beulah’s home when she was a child. Her husband hadn’t cared for the books either. But after his second month of missed visits with Eva, Beulah treated the child, and herself, to the books. And later the movies.

  “Still your minds.” Chen released the snitch-like object.

  Instead of moving about the boys ground their heels into the floor as though to take root. Their eyes focused on the golden orb.

  “And begin.”

  The orb flitted around the room. At first, the boys kept perfectly still. But then they began to move. They all performed the same series of choreographed movements.

  The orb danced around Chang. The light green boy didn’t run. He sank further into the floor. His eyes went hazy with focus. The orb stopped and appeared to stare at him, though it didn’t have any eyes. Then it moved on.

  Beulah saw the boy crack a smile of triumph. The orb halted and turned back to him. Chang hunkered down in focus once more, and the orb moved on.

  “It’s similar to Tag.”

  Beulah looked over to see that Chen had come to sit beside her and Eva. The Eloheem had a way of sneaking up on her. She just wished that another Eloh would sneak up on her other side.

  “Or perhaps, Hide and Go Seek,” Chen continued. “Shanti taught us the games. The human games do not provide any difficulty for beings who do not need their sight to see each other. This exercise teaches them to regulate their energies. The orb will turn the different colors of the chakras. The younglings will have to master those corresponding emotions. See how it’s yellow now? Yellow is for-”

  “Confidence and power,” she said. “I know.”

  Chen cocked his head in query. “How did you know?”

  “I heard Yehfe say it while he was teaching the younglings.”

  Chen nodded. “You and he have become very close during your time here.”

  Beulah swallowed, uncertain how to answer. She wasn’t sure if Chen still thought that Yehfe was getting the sexual healing his brother needed from her sister. She should set that straight because Beulah had decided that she was staying.

  She and Eva would stay here and start their life with Yehfe. She’d say goodbye to her sister, probably forever. If she thought there was a way to convince Essie to stay, she would. But how could she when the woman wouldn’t even come out of the room and give these beings a fair try.

  Beulah would no longer live a closed-minded life. Just like she’d found great joy in the Harry Potter books, she was looking forward to this new chapter of her life with a man who worshiped her and doted on her daughter.

  But where was he? She felt his presence. So near, but so far. She ached for his closeness. She felt selfish for wanting his attention when he cared for his brother.

  When his brother had begun to stir, Yehfe had asked her to allow them some privacy. He’d promised he’d find her later. That was hours ago.

  “Can I play the game too, Mr. Chen?” Eva bounced on her mother’s lap.

  “I’ll help her.” Niao offered his hand and the two were off.

  Beulah was exceedingly glad that that friendship would be able to grow. Her daughter had such trou
ble making friends back on Earth. Now she’d have a ship full of friends. Niao and Nse would be the brothers she may have never had otherwise.

  Chang came off the floor. “Did you see my success, Ms. Beulah? I evaded detection for the entire round.”

  “Good job, Chang.” Beulah held up her hand for a high five.

  Chang looked at her hand uncertainly.

  “I believe it means she wants to touch hands,” Chen interpreted. Then he turned to Beulah. “But not in the forceful way that makes a sound. That would be unpleasant for Chang.”

  Chang touched her hand gently. Then he bowed. When he straightened he rubbed at the back of his neck and wouldn’t meet her eyes.

  “Did I do something wrong?” Beulah asked as the Eloh walked away on shuffling feet.

  “He’s getting older,” Chen smiled. “Touching a female that is not his mother or his mate is considered intimate.”

  “I’m sorry,” said Beulah. “I didn’t mean to do anything improper.”

  “He is still a youngling, a child. Children crave a woman’s touch. They have all taken to you. It will be a hard adjustment for them when you leave.”

  So, Chen didn’t know that it was Beulah and not her sister. “I’ve decided to stay,” she said.

  Chen smiled. It was more of an exhalation of gratitude. His head bowed as he spoke. “On behalf of all of my brothers, I thank you for what you have done for Yehfe and Pakua.”

  Beulah’s cheeks warmed. She knew that Chen didn’t know exactly what she’d done. But talking about it in generalities still embarrassed her.

  “Shanti says that you have something called a divorce? A broken bond?”

  Beulah nodded.

  “It’s not something that I understand. My kind, we mate for life, and that includes the death of a loved one. The female always has a choice to leave, but we will never love again. I can see Yehfe’s imprint on you.”

  Any embarrassment she may have felt melted away at the happiness that blossomed in her heart at this new statement. Beulah felt light as she thought about Yehfe’s imprint on her heart, on her intimate parts. She could hardly wait for him to come to her again.

  “However,” said Chen, “the bond will be strongest with his brother’s willing participation.”

  Beulah blinked. She knew that Shanti called both Chen and Hsing her husbands. That the woman shared a room with both males and likely a bed. Beulah shook her head at the thought.

  “That’s a sin,” she said. “The God I serve said that marriage is between one man and one woman.”

  “Our Creator made Eloheem in pairs. In a sense, we are one man. Two halves that form a whole. You cannot have one without the other.”

  Beulah opened her mouth, but no sound came out. It was unthinkable.

  “There has never been a strong bond with only one brother in the history of our tribe,” Chen continued. “Yangs bond easier than Yins. Pakua can be intimidating, but he needs you. They both do.”

  The idea was unimaginable. Yehfe had said nothing about sharing her with his brother.

  A giggle brought their attention back around to the floor. The orb was on Eva. But Niao took her hand and spoke quietly to her. The orb hesitated, but then it moved away. On its retreat, Eva giggled again. The orb turned back and whizzed towards her. It looked as though it would collide with her. But before it did a pair of brown hands pulled her out of harm’s way.

  “Be careful” Nse scowled at his brother. “She does not know what she is doing.”

  “Don’t yell at him.” Eva’s face lit with indignation. “You’re always so rude, Nse.”

  Nse’s face crumbled. His lips wobbled. He glared at his brother and then he turned and marched out the door. Chen rose to follow, but Beulah held out her hand.

  “Let me try?” She wanted to see to the child, but even more, she wanted to get out from under the probing questions of Chen.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Pakua checked his alignment. His sits bones were pressed firmly into the ground. He sat in a lotus with his hips open to collect the energy into his center. The vertebrae of his spine were stacked one on top of the other in perfect symmetry. His shoulders were back and pressed down as though a weight pressed them away from his ears. His head was light, as though it floated in the ship’s atmosphere. His eyes were opened and focused on a single point of light.

  The pain in his side was dull. He could push it from his mind entirely. It was the never-ceasing pain in his hearts that Pakua worked to dull. The only thing that lessened the pain was meditation. The higher up in the levels he went, the less the pain.

  As younglings, Eloheem learned to enter the first phase of enlightenment which was known as the Stream. In the Stream, one recognized their part in All of creation. Their eyes were opened to the interconnectedness of all beings, all consciousness, and all matter.

  The Stream was child’s play. But in the Stream, one could feel All. There was both pleasure and pain in the All.

  Pakua’s pain dulled in comparison to the cacophony of emotions and sensations in the All, but it was always present. Always nagging him at the back of his mind that there was something missing, a ragged hole in his chest. And so Pakua didn’t spend much time in the Stream of consciousness. He moved past that to the next level of enlightenment; the Oneness.

  Most adult Eloh spent their lives trying to master this level of enlightenment. In the Oneness they learned to let go of their individual identities, to be formless. Pakua had mastered this level shortly after his parents were killed. He’d spent much of his time in this plane of existence, which stripped him of his emotions, his thoughts, his consciousness. But it wasn’t enough.

  Pakua reached higher, deeper. He stretched himself, letting go of his consciousness of everything that he was and would ever be. He pushed against his skin, against his skeleton to the energy within him. He reached deep to touch the level of Nil, a level of enlightenment where there was no Stream, no One. To be Nil was to consist of pure energy, to return to the source.

  Pakua had never touched the level, but he’d felt it call to him, beckoning him from the edges of the level of Oneness. It teased him with oblivion. He was determined to make it there one day soon and leave all the pain of existence behind.

  He came to the edge of Oneness. He’d never come this far before. He felt the sweat running against his brow, but he pushed the conscious thought away. He felt the wound in his side strain. He pushed the feelings down, but they would not go.

  The remaining tendrils of darkness surrounding his wound quickened to life. The marred energy pushed him away from the edge, but something else rose alongside the marred energy. It was the light energy he’d felt when he was asleep, the golden energy of healing that he knew belonged to the human female.

  In his mind’s eye that energy lifted him up. Pakua tilted himself and he touched the edge of the oblivion. From the center of him, he felt a blast. He felt his being ripped from him, but he felt no pain.

  He floated. He felt spread thin and wide apart. He felt nothing. His thoughts scattered. He couldn’t hold on to self. One final thought rang true.

  Bliss.

  This was bliss.

  As soon as the thought coalesced, so did his mind, his consciousness, his body. He returned to himself in a snap. He blinked and saw himself back in the meditation room, on the ship. The pain redoubled in his chest, his mind clouded, his side throbbed.

  He looked down to see the wound angry once more.

  He cared not. He straightened his spine. He pressed his sits bones down firmer into the ground. He spread his hips wider. He narrowed his eyes in hard focus on the point of light, all to get back to that oblivion. He tried to use the pain of his wound as a focal point, but it brought him no closer. The pain only grew and grew.

  Sweat poured off of him. His eyes drooped, losing their focus to the battle of pain and weariness. But then suddenly, a bright light emanated from somewhere. It came closer and closer to him. His body reached for it. He
looked past the point of light on the wall towards the door.

  “Nse? Are you in here?”

  She stood in the door, a bright beacon of light. Pakua reached for the light around her as though she were his salvation. He saw her face widen in horror and then there was blackness.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Beulah rushed into the room just as Pakua slumped over on his side. His chest and torso were bared. She saw that the wound on his side pulsed as though it was not just living and breathing. As though it was screaming.

  Beulah knelt over him, unsure what to do. She reached her hands to the wound.

  “No!” His hand arrested her motion without actually touching her.

  He stared at her, his lids heavy with pain, but his eyes bright. His breathing was labored, his chest heaved. His fingers shook before hers. She did not move her hand closer to him. She did not move it away from him.

  She looked into his face. It was the same face as Yehfe’s only darker and without the bright smile of acceptance. She reached her fingers past the roadblock of Pakua’s hand to touch his lips. They trembled on impact.

  His eyes shut. A low moan escaped his lips. Beulah pulled her hand away, but he caught it and held it tight.

  His eyes were bright on hers now. His gaze floated away from hers and looked down at the wound on his side. The angry red throbbing had stopped.

  Beulah reached her hand out to it. Pakua sighed as her fingers met hot flesh that cooled under her touch. She spread her hand over his skin. His body arched, but she could tell that it was not out of pain.

  “Stop,” he whispered.

  “You’re hurting.” She saw the wound healing under her touch. She watched in fascination as the pulsing lessened and the skin began to knit.

  Pakua grabbed her hand. He sat up, moving her hand out of the reach of his hip and coming an inch within her face. She felt his warm breath across her face. His eyes glared into hers but they kept dipping down to her lips. He licked the perspiration off his upper lip. She could taste his musk.