by Gabi Moore
Chapter 13 - Natasha
I adjusted my hips on the mattress and winced. Ouch.
Once I arrived home, I had tumbled into bed, sinking into a blank sleep that lasted more than ten hours. It was late morning when I finally awoke, feeling like my whole body and mind had been dunked in water and scrubbed clean. The world around me seemed crisp and light and fresh. When was the last time I had slept so well, anyway?
The only thing assuring me that what happened last night wasn’t a dream was the searing pain between my legs. I shifted my weight on the chair again. Ouch. Two men I had never met before had torn into me without mercy, and now the memory of their cocks shot right through the center of me, making me ache with every moment. It was a deliciously dirty feeling, a secret one, tucked far inside me.
I turned to see him next to me. Todd. My Todd. Asleep, his face seemed so plain and human. He was unguarded, his features loose and resting for a change, and not tight on his face, reflecting whatever that went on in that sick brain of his. It was a lesson I learned early on: the “powerful” men are really the weak ones. The more armor they wear, the more fragile they are underneath.
We had come home late last night, I had begged him to fuck me. Sure, I was sore. My entire body had puffed up, swollen and raw and still buzzing, but I was certain the second he inched into me, some strange inner workings would wake me up again and my body would recognize him. And in the darkness, finally alone, I wanted so badly for him to just hold onto me. I wanted to come hard, with him, and for him to just let me shake, my spent body eventually shuddering limply in his arms. I begged him. I pleaded. But he kissed my forehead and told me that no, we would sleep.
Apparently, Todd had been sleep deprived too. I watched him for a moment, mesmerized by the flutter the air made as it left him, and then stretched and quietly got up, trying not to wake him. I padded over barefoot to the mirror. I looked the same as I did yesterday, I guess. I walked over to my walk in closet, quietly clicked the door closed behind me and sat down on the floor. I opened the hidden compartment and pulled out the black book. I turned to the most recent entry.
Last night I was punished. Two men took turns with me, and I did as they told me, and they fucked me everywhere. Todd watched, to make sure that they did it right. They both came on my face and left. I cried out and came many, many times, because I love cock and can never get enough. But I have to be disciplined further. I will leave that to Todd. He knows what I need. I love him. Ten out of ten.
I stared at the words for a long time. When did he even have the opportunity to write them? I had been checking these pages obsessively. He must have done it last night. My fingers stroked over the rough paper. I love him. Why had he put that in there?
And did it matter? I read the entry again and again and it occurred to me: all of it was true. It’s not what I would have written myself but …did I mind? Didn’t I love him? Wasn’t it true that I couldn’t get enough cock? I shut he book, put it away and leaned against the wardrobe door. I could sleep for three days straight if I really trusted that Todd to “know what I need”.
When I walked back into the main bedroom, he was sitting upright in bed, staring at nothing. His face was soft.
“Come and lay here with me,” he said. No trace of the man who had ordered my defilement the night before. In fact, it didn’t sound like the same voice at all. I climbed into the covers and snuggled next to him. He smelt of sleep and warmth and laundry detergent. Not quite the dark overlord he had seemed only a few hours ago.
“I’m taking today off as well. Will you come with me somewhere nice? I could get them to pack a picnic for us and we can head off, just the two of us.”
As he said the words, and I can’t describe it but the moment he spoke, I burst into tears. Big, hot tears fell down my cheeks. He looked at me with surprise.
“Natty …hey, Natty, look at me.”
I turned sad eyes to him.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from,” I said, quickly trying to wipe away the tears. “I must look a mess right now…” He kissed my forehead and smoothed away a tear with the pad of his thumb. His face was so soft.
“I like you when you look a mess,” he said quietly, and then broke out into a grin.
I nestled back down into the covers, nuzzling against his big body.
“Is this what we do now? Am I going to be “punished” forever and ever like this? I’m so confused. I don’t know what we’re doing Todd, please just talk to me and tell me what you’re thinking.” I felt a fresh sob rising in my throat. But he cut me short and held a finger to my lips.
“No. It’s too late for talking.” He shifted his weight in the bed and laced his fingers behind his neck. “When we married, I told you that I would devote my life to making you happy. Do you remember that?”
I did.
“And that is still true. Even though you have no love for me, no respect for me, and no respect for our marriage …even though you –”
“But I do love you! I do respect you!” I blurted.
“Even though you don’t, and even though I fucking hate you right now, I still can’t go back on that promise. I made a vow,” he said.
“I’m so sorry, Todd.”
“Does that matter now?”
“I never really wanted anyone else, I only ever wanted you. We don’t have to do this. We don’t have to…”
“Well, maybe I want to now,” he said and looked down at me with wounded eyes.
“I wish we could just rewind all of this. I wish I could take it all back. I never wanted to hurt you,” I said, struggling to keep back tears. It had been so long since we had talked like this. Todd never had emotions. And he certainly never spoke about them.
“Tell me one thing,” he said. “Tell me, did you enjoy last night?”
I didn’t know what to say. They had completely ripped me apart. I was still aching in places I didn’t know a man could ever access. I had come hard, and it was intense and scary and nasty and delicious and a million other things.
“Just answer that. Did you enjoy it?”
Suddenly, it felt like the weight of the world rested on how I answered this question. His face was still naked, still open like it had been when I watched him sleep. In the years that I had known him, this was a face of his that I had seldom seen. What could I say to him? With an ache even deeper inside, so deep it went to my heart, I realized: I had vowed to make him happy, too. I took a while to answer.
“I enjoyed being yours,” I said.
We were both quiet, letting the answer hang there between us. It was true.
He kissed the top of my head again and got up. His naked body was beautiful. Hard, strong. A man’s body. My man’s body. He walked over to the dresser and picked up the black envelope. He tossed it over to the bed and I caught it.
“Open it,” he said.
I opened it. Inside were stacks of neat, fresh notes. A lot of them. Real money. It had been a real, genuine trade. The chain had been real. The ‘sale’ had been real. I took a stack out and flipped through it, releasing its new money smell.
“Fifty thousand dollars. Do you remember how, before you met me, you said you came to New York with a thousand dollars hidden in a book cover, and nowhere to live?”
I smiled. I remembered it like it was yesterday. I was younger then, braver. I had ‘hustled’. Almost half of that paycheck had gone to getting professional modelling shots done. I had just one thing to invest in, back then: my looks. The girl in those modelling shots would have considered fifty thousand a roaring success.
“You could take that now and leave me, if you wanted.”
I looked up at him.
“What?”
“It’s not much, but you could take it and get a head start. You could leave today. Take your car, go and stay with your mom, rent a flat somewhere. You’d find work soon. Together with your savings, you could just leave….”
I laughed.
“Why wou
ld I do that?”
A sad smile flitted over his face.
“Then give it back to me,” he said.
I handed him the money.
He ran his fingers over the sharp black edges.
“When I married you, I told you that money meant nothing to me, do you remember that?” he asked.
I nodded.
Why was he so obsessed about when we first met? He went to a drawer in the other dresser and pulled out a cigar box, and from this he took out a lighter. He snapped the lighter and watched the thin yellow flame lick and dance in his hands. Then, he held one stack of notes to the flame and watched it curl over the fresh paper. It ignited and suddenly the flame was larger, burning the edge of the stack of notes. I watched spellbound.
“You’re …you’re going to burn it?” I asked.
“All of it” he said.
I got out of bed. I brought over a small waste basket and positioned it under the burning money. Taking another wad of cash from the envelope, I pressed it to his and watched as the fire leapt from his money to mine. They both glowed yellow and hot as the money crumbled and turned to ash before our eyes. We smiled at one another.
We burnt all fifty thousand dollars. Him and me, together.
Perhaps you’ll think I’m sick. Maybe you’ll say I’m spoilt. What privilege, huh? To hold all that money in your hands and burn it, literally, for thrills. But I didn’t care. Without doubt it was the most romantic moment of my life.
We sat there, in the room, slowly passing every last note through the flame, watching it wither and crisp away to nothing, catching the ash in the waste basket. He was right. It was far too late for words now. Things were broken. Badly broken. But we had made vows. And like I had written in my diary: I loved him.
When every last dollar was burned to smithereens, we laughed and dressed and went outside for a picnic.
Chapter 14 - Natasha
Tomorrow, Todd is taking me to a very exclusive and very exciting private sex party!!! I can’t wait to show off to everyone there, and prove to him just what a good little slut I can be. But he’s hardly told me anything about this party yet, so it’s all a mystery still.
All I know so far is that I have a brand new outfit to wear there, and that there will be plenty of other people, too. Todd is really excited about this one, because it’s difficult to get invited to these events, and only very, very special people and their very, very special sex slaves get invited, so I’m trying to be on my best behavior.
Hmm. I was beginning to sound distinctly girly. Like a little baby. I’ve always considered myself a vixen type, more of a sex bomb than a sex kitten. And even a girl who never finished High School knows it’s tacky to use that many exclamation points in a row but …why not? Whenever I got to thinking carefully about what the hell it was we were doing, I found myself stopping short and deciding: Todd knew best. I’d just leave everything to him.
I turned over onto my belly so the sun could tan my back and legs. It was a strange day – full of heat if not actual sunshine, a little overcast, with the kind of clouds that skit fast across the sky, and you’re never quite sure what’s underneath them.
“Pablo? Pablo come over here a second,” I said, and wiggled my toes. They were still a little wet from the dip I had just taken. When I was completely dry, it would be time for another dip.
Pablo was leaning against the pole of a long pool brush, scraping the far end with long, muscular strokes, and he stopped and peered at me, shielding his eyes from the sun. Damn, he was a good looking boy. He sidled over, and I could make out faint beads of sweat over his toned shoulders.
“Pablo, stop with the pool already, look how clean it is.”
“It’s so clean because I clean it, Mrs. Beckford.”
“For the millionth time, it’s Natasha.”
He sat on the deck chair opposite mine, long legs spread and propping up his strong elbows. He was built for working, clearly, and not talking. But I felt like talking to him anyway.
“Pablo, life is so strange,” I began.
“Tell me about it.”
I felt my breasts pressing warm down into the deck chair. These days, my entire body felt so alive all the time. It was as though my nerve endings, treated to a regular barrage of orgasms, had become sensitive to everything. True, none of those orgasms were directly linked to Todd, but a girl shouldn’t be too picky I guess. Everything felt like a caress to me – the slip of the water, the way the deck chair became a rough tongue stroking the length of my bare stomach. All of it.
“I haven’t been myself lately Pablo.”
He smiled and looked embarrassed.
“You haven’t propositioned me for like a month,” he laughed.
“Really? That long? Huh. I hadn’t noticed.”
“Just look how clean the pool is,” he said.
I laughed.
“I’m turning over a new leaf in life, Pablo. I’m serious. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. I think I’m finally maturing. Isn’t that weird?”
He shrugged.
I didn’t pay him nearly enough to play therapist, it’s true, but a couch was a couch, and he could hear me out, couldn’t he? Pablo and I went way back, after all.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I hadn’t really told anyone about any of the crazy things that had been happening between Todd and I. Even the girls had lost interest as I kept more and more details from them. How could they understand, when I barely understood it myself?
“It’s not weird. We all grow up, Mrs. Beckford. I mean, Natasha.”
I took another deep breath.
“Pablo, have you ever been cheated on before?”
“Cheated on? Oh yes. My old girlfriend in Spain. She had a thing with her ex…”
“And? What did you think of that?”
“What did I think?”
“Well, did it make you unhappy?”
He laughed. “Of course! I wanted to kill him.”
“So you were really angry?”
“Of course I was angry, what else would I be?”
I raised myself up onto my elbows.
“I don’t know …proud?”
He laughed again.
“You’re crazy Mrs. Beckford.”
“So it didn’t turn you on, even a little?” I said. He squirmed a bit, then looked at me directly. I was so used to staring at his rock hard abs that I was taken aback by how pretty his eyes actually were. And such long eyelashes.
“No, it didn’t turn me on. It broke my heart,” he said seriously.
I flopped back down on my belly.
“Well, fine. But some men do like that kind of thing,” I said.
“Those men are crazy.”
I mean, it wasn’t a bad way to look at the world. Crazy and non-crazy. That’s all. The answer to all my life’s current dilemmas was simple: it was all just in the crazy category.
“Are they though? I mean, don’t you like to see your girlfriend happy?”
“Sure.”
“So then does it matter if some other man makes her happy…?”
He frowned and shook his head.
“Nah. If I’m with a woman, she’s mine. I don’t cheat, and she shouldn’t cheat either. Simple.”
It didn’t seem so simple in my head.
“Tonight I’m going to a party, Pablo. Like, a sex party.”
“Oh?”
“I’m going to have sex with lots of people there,” I said, matter-of-factly.
He was silent for a while and then smiled. “You always were like that, Mrs. Beckford.”
“But I’m going with Todd,” I said. “And it’s Natasha.”
He looked at me with an amused look on his face.
“Ok, I get it. You and Mr. Beckford…”
“Yes, we’ve been trying some …new things.”
“Cool,” he said, and cast his eyes over the gently rippled surface of the pool.
“So, he doesn’t mind you sleeping with other people? I guess it’s not cheating if everyone knows,” he said decisively.
“Yeah. It’s not that he doesn’t mind though. I think …I think he actually likes it.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah.”
With his broad, strong body, it was easy to forget how young Pablo was. He had always taken my advances with a mixture of glee and disbelief. I knew he had placed me firmly in the ‘crazy’ bin. But maybe that’s what made him so easy to talk to? I don’t know.
“Well, lucky you. Sounds like you get everything you want!”
I turned over again onto my back and gave him a generous view of my breasts.
“Well …it’s not that simple.”
“It isn’t?”
“No. You see, I was cheating. And he caught me, and he was mad. Of course he was mad. But then he …decided I needed to be punished.”
I searched his face. “He’s punishing me by making me do all these degrading things. Like sleep with other men. In front of him.”
“That sounds pretty kinky.”
“I know, right? So he tells me what to do and I do it.”
“Cool.”
“You think I’m crazy.”
“Yeah.”
“The thing is I like it, Pablo. I like how fucked up it all is.”
“It’s pretty fucked up, Mrs. Beckford.”
“Natasha. And I know. He says I can walk away any time. But I don’t. Why don’t I?”
“Because you’re crazy?”
“Yes. Because I’m fucking crazy. So tonight he wants me to go to this party. And I don’t want to. But then again I do, you know?”
“Not really,” he laughed, then leaned back on his chair. “So, like, what kind of things will you do at this party…?” he asked, boyish smile on his face.
I returned the smile.
“I don’t know. It’s all up to him. I just have to obey. Just like a sex slave.”
“That’s kind of hot.”