by Kahele, J
Anger filled me as I watched his arm rest on her waist. I wanted to rip it out of the socket. She was my girl, mine. I had to force back the urge to run out to the dance floor to pull her away from him. I clenched my fists at my sides as the reality hit me: she wasn’t mine anymore, I had let her go. I had given away the most precious thing in my life—Violet. God, I was so fucking stupid, how could I let her go? Why did I let her go? Easy answer, because I loved her. I didn’t want her dragged into my past, to become another victim of my choices. I did it all because I loved her. Someday she would thank me for what I did. I watched as she pulled away from Millen and then ran off the dance floor towards the door, towards me. I slipped into the darkness as she approached. I could almost feel her emotion, her pain as she flew by me. What was wrong? Did Millen do something to her? For a second, I thought of running up to Millen and bashing his face in, but I was more concerned with Violet.
As the front doors closed behind her, I scurried from the corner and rushed after her.
I ran out to the parking lot, hiding behind a car. I watched as she stumbled across the parking lot and knew she was drunk, very drunk. I was worried instantly. Was she driving? She leaned against the building and she began to mumble. “Chain, why…” she whispered and my heart nearly stopped as she buried her face in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably. I wanted to beat the shit out of myself for causing her so much pain; she was crying because of what I did to her, she was hurting because of me, because of me! How could I do this to her? I couldn’t watch her hurt anymore, I had to comfort her. I had to take it away. I stood up with every intention of walking up to her when a voice calling out stopped me.
“Vi!” I quickly maneuvered behind a car, ducking down. I saw Vince walk up to Violet and take her into an embrace.
He brushed the hair from her face as he cradled her in his arms. “Oh, Vi, it will be alright, I promise.”
“I miss him, Vince, I miss him so much.” I felt a tightening in my stomach, the bile rising into my throat as my thoughts mirrored her words. I missed her so much it hurt. I missed her lips, her touch, her laugh, her smile, everything, I missed everything about her.
“I know you do,” Vince responded.
“Why can’t I get over it?”
Vince wiped the tears from her cheeks and placed his hands on either side of her face. “Because you love him, Vi. You and Chain had something special, it can never be replaced.”
My eyes tilted down at the ground and I smiled. Vince was right, I could never replace what Violet and I had, it was special, real.
“Why don’t we go get Victor’s keys, drive back to my house and you can bury yourself in a pint of chocolate ice cream? I just bought some today.”
She let out a laugh and I felt some relief. “That would be great.” After they left, I stood up and couldn’t help but feel regret. Regret for bringing her down, for hurting her, mostly for bringing her into my life. She didn’t deserve any of it and I sure as hell didn’t deserve a beautiful, compassionate, amazing woman like Violet Townsend.
My head was spinning with thoughts of Violet as I drove to my apartment. It was wrong the way I ended things, I knew that. But it was the only way. If I had talked to her, if I had seen her, I would never have gone through with it.
I sifted through the bottles of vodka that cluttered the entirety of my apartment. Ever since the breakup with Violet, I drank day and night. I grabbed a half-empty one and slammed it down my throat.
My whole life for the last few weeks was me and the bottle. I figured if I was going to be depressed, I might as well be numb and drunk. And I was depressed, extremely. I had lost the only woman I loved. But not by her hand, by mine. I had let her go; I had freed her from her commitment to me. Why? Because I was a low-life bastard who would only bring her down, ruin her life and I loved her enough to not want to do that. What the fuck was I thinking when I thought I could change? That my past would never catch up to me? I would never escape my past—how could you escape yourself and that was exactly what my past was, the true me. It was who I was and who I would always be.
Gazing around the apartment, my jackets were strewn everywhere, dozens of my shoes practically had a home of their own in the middle of my living room. I smiled as I thought of Violet. She always made sure to keep the house tidy and neat. She always took care of me, very good care. I walked out to the balcony, and it was almost like her essence surrounded me, the sweet floral musk of her perfume. I lifted the bottle of vodka to my mouth and tipped it back, pouring it down my throat, trying to get her out of my mind. But it didn’t do any good, because visions of her on the rail of the balcony, naked and screaming my name, engulfed me completely. I tipped the bottle to my mouth again, one word in my mind. Violet. I swigged the alcohol down till it was gone as I thought of that name again. Violet. How could I let her go? How could I?
I became enraged and whipped the bottle across the skies, then rushed into my apartment, grabbing everything I could get my hands on and throwing it against the wall. I wanted Violet, I needed her, I loved her. Damn it, what did I do! My rage went on for hours until there was not a piece of furniture standing and the apartment was filled with severed pieces of wood, torn up cushions and broken glass. I fell to my knees, sobbing as the reality came full circle. My Violet was gone and she was never coming back. My life now was shit, a life that would always be filled with emptiness and loneliness and I had no one else to blame but myself.
***
I felt a hand lift my head and with bleary eyes I spied David hovering over me. “What the fuck are you doing? Get up.” He lifted me up and I was surprised by his strength. I easily outweighed him by thirty pounds and was about four inches taller. He deposited me on the couch. I hadn’t seen David since the day I had Violet removed from the office. Like the coward I was, I left out the back way, not having the courage to face David, to tell him that I had broken things off with her. I had held vigil in my apartment since, leaving only last night, to go to the bar. Why I went, I had no clue. I supposed a part of me was hoping that maybe I could hook up with a woman, try to get back into the swing of being single, wash away the memory of Violet. But as soon as I arrived, I realized there was no other woman I wanted, no hook-up that would erase Violet from my head. I frowned as I thought of her. From the moment I opened my eyes and until the second I closed them, all I thought about was her. I reached for one of the vodka bottles on the side of the couch, lifting it to my mouth, taking a swig.
David sneered before saying, “Are you just going to sit in this fucking place and drink yourself to death?”
I coughed out a laugh. “Yes, that is exactly what I intend to do.”
David glanced around at my apartment. “What the fuck happened here?” he queried as he walked over, picking up a broken part of the couch.
“I need new furniture,” I replied with a chuckle. He threw the broken wood on the ground then paced over to me.
David’s eyes thinned as he bent over, leveling his eyes with mine. “Why? Why did you do it?”
I knew exactly what he was referring to—Violet—but chose to act like I didn’t. “What are you talking about?” I answered as I took another swig from the bottle.
He stood up and sneered. “You know perfectly well what I’m talking about, don’t play fucking games with me!”
I didn’t want to fight with David, I didn’t have the strength. I ignored him, tilting my head back and slamming the rest of the bottle, then placed it on the ground as I stood. “Look, David, I am not in the mood for company, so can you do me a favor and show yourself the way out?” I turned to walk towards my bedroom when David grabbed me from behind, whipping me around, his hands wrapping around my shirt collar and yanking me towards him. “Why did you do it? Why did you hurt her?” he screamed in my face.
I pushed him off. “Stop, David, I’m not in any mood to be yelled at.”
“Yelled at? You just fucking threw away the best thing that ever happened to you and you don’t w
ant to be screamed at? Why the fuck did you do it!”
“I didn’t want her anymore, okay; does that answer your question?”
He looked confused and hurt. “You’re lying, you love her.”
And how true his words were. All I wanted was to be with Violet, to spend the rest of my life loving her, but things changed and that was not a possibility anymore. It was important that I convinced David that I no longer loved her, and that in itself would be the hardest thing I would ever have to do, because that meant I had to lie to my best friend, my brother, my confidant. But I had to do it. I had to do it to protect her from my past, from me.
He glared at me as he waited for me to respond. I cleared my throat, straightened up and stiffened my lip. “I fell out of love with her.”
A look of disbelief flashed across his face. “You’re kidding me, right?”
“No, David, I’m not kidding.”
He moved closer to me. “I don’t believe you. You don’t just fall out of love with a woman who only days ago you wanted to spend the rest of your life with.”
“I did.”
He turned away from me. “Did you know that she came to our house? Shit, Chain, I have never seen a woman so torn up and so hurt. You broke her heart; you literally broke her fucking heart.” He turned back to face me. “Do you not care what you did to her?”
My heart dropped as I saw tears in David’s eyes. He was hurting, he was hurting bad. And I knew part of it was because of Violet, but a part of it was because of me. He was my best friend and he knew I was making the biggest mistake of my life by letting Violet go.
I was confused and for one moment my conscience bore down on me hard. I was hurting the two people I cared about the most in the world; how could I do this? The least I could do was tell David why.
It almost made me confess, it almost made me reveal the truth—almost. But I couldn’t. I was doing what was best for Violet. David was not going to let this go, because he didn’t believe a word I said, so I had to change tactics.
“I’m sorry I hurt Violet, I should never have let it get that far.”
“What do you mean by that?”
I knew after I said these words, I could lose David. But I had to say them. It was the only way David would ever believe that I didn’t want Violet anymore. “I have to be honest with you, I never really loved her. The only reason I stayed with her and pretended was because you didn’t think I was capable of doing it.”
“Oh I see. So you hitting Millen at her parents’ house was an act?” Just the thought of what Millen had said sent a scathing chill up my spine.
“You pretended to spite me? You played with an innocent woman’s heart to prove me wrong?”
“I guess you could say that.”
“So the whole freaking out on the judge at court because he let Phillip off was an act?” Definitely not an act. That judge was an incompetent jackass who wouldn’t know a guilty man if he laid eyes on him. To this day I still wished I had pulled Phillip out of that police car and beaten him to death.
“Yes. Quite honestly, I didn’t think Phillip did anything wrong. You have to admit, she did lead him on a lot.” I bit the side of my mouth at those words, trying to keep from completely losing it. Phillip was a disgusting piece of shit and the mere fact that I tried to justify what he did to Violet made me quiver.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Chain, how the hell can you justify what Phillip did to her?”
“I just did, didn’t I?”
David raked his hands through his hair. “And marrying her? You were so set on marrying her. It was practically driving you insane, there is no way that you could have faked that.”
“Look, David, this is the whole point. It was about the chase, it was about getting her to say yes. After that happened, I completely lost interest. I don’t love her, I never did. I swear.”
“You pretended. You got her and the game was over. All this was a game to you.”
I forced a smile. “Yup.” He threw something at me and I caught it in the air before it hit me in the face. I thought he was trying to hit me with a foreign object, but when I glanced down at it I realized it was the engagement ring, the one I had given Violet. The breath left my lungs, my heart sank as I stared down at it. It took everything in me not to break down.
“She asked me to give that back, she doesn’t want it.” That hurt, hurt bad, but I couldn’t show David, I had to keep the façade up. I wanted to cry, but instead I laughed. My reaction seemed to fire David up even more.
He pointed his finger at me. “You are a selfish, self-centered prick. How the fuck could you play with someone’s heart like that! God I’m so fucking stupid, I believed in you. I really believed you were a good person, but now I can see you’re no better than Phillip.” He sneered as he glared at me. I could see the disappointment, anger and hurt in his eyes, then without a word, he turned and walked away. It crushed me to watch him walk away, it destroyed me that he thought of me as nothing but a heartless loser. Because I wasn’t, then again, maybe I was. I had lost my girl and my best friend and felt helpless, because there was nothing I could do about it.
***
It took all I had in me to get out of bed and ready myself for work. I thought of calling in, but David was adamant that I come, as we had an interview with a man who he wanted to hire to be on our team. Not that David called me, or for that matter even emailed me personally, he had our new receptionist do it. It was obvious that he wanted nothing to do with me on a personal level and I didn’t blame him.
After the architect on our Minneapolis project quit, David was adamant about employing an architect for our company. He was tired of contracting out our projects and felt we needed someone reliable and available for us to use any way we need. David was always right when it came to business. I trusted his decisions completely. It was because of him that Alexander Enterprises had been as successful as it had. It was him who set up all the investors, him who made sure that we built in the right locations. Basically, David was the one who built the company, all I did was come up with the idea, the basic design and name.
What David was the best at was picking out the right employees to fit our company. But I was a little leery at the person he wanted to employ as our architect, Christopher Blu.
Christopher Blu was one of the most sought after architects in all of Philadelphia. People paid top price for a design by him. He was a wizard when it came to designing, being able to take eight hundred square feet of space and turn it into a palace. He was a freelancer, which was a problem that showed that he was not interested in being anyone’s employee. I didn’t blame him. The yearly salary David was offering him was a far cry from what he was used to making.
I walked into the office and was surprised to see not only Madeline, the older woman we had hired after Candace left, but another younger woman, with short dark bobbed hair and bright dark eyes. I approached the desk and smiled at her.
“And you are?”
“Sandy Blu, sir, I came from the accounting department. Mr. Keller just promoted me to an assistant position,” she answered. I couldn’t help but crack a smile.
“Are you related to Christopher Blu?”
She nodded her head. “He’s my older brother.” So I didn’t personally know all of the people I employed. But I had to admit I was impressed, but not surprised, that David promoted a woman to suck her brother into working for us. It was just like him to use any angle he could.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Miss Blu, I am Chain Alexander.” She shook my hand.
“Very nice to meet you too, Mr. Alexander.” She lifted a stack of envelopes and handed it to me. “Here is the mail and I just made coffee, would you like a cup?”
“No thank you, Miss Blu.” I waved my hand to Madeline. “Good morning.”
“Good morning, Mr. Alexander,” she responded.
“Madeline, is David in yet?”
“No, sir, I haven’t seen him.”
; “Please send him into my office as soon as he gets in.”
“Will do.” I nodded and walked to my office.
I wanted to talk to David before the meeting and clear the air. Things did not go well the last time we were together, in fact things ended terribly, with him walking out of the apartment, mad and frustrated. David was my best friend and after deep thinking and soul searching, I made the decision to tell him the real reason why I broke things off with Violet. He deserved to know. I had already lost the one person who meant more than anything to me, Violet; I was not about to lose David.
I opened my drawer and grabbed the ring box and slid the ring out of my pocket, carefully placing it in the box and throwing it into my drawer. As I went to close the drawer, my hands stilled as I stared down at the ring box, thinking of Violet.
I reached for it.
Then withdrew.
Then reached for it again, snatching it up. I opened it up and smiled as images of me asking Violet to marry me flashed through my mind. It was the happiest day of my life. I frowned. I had to stop doing this, it was over, and there would never again be a Violet and me. I slammed the ring box closed and threw it into the drawer.
I wondered what she was doing. It had been a while since the last time I saw her at the club. I wish I had talked to her, told her I loved her. If I had, maybe she would understand, see through my façade and know how deeply I still cared and would always care for her.
The door of my office opened and in walked David, a man trailing behind him, dressed in white sneakers, blue jeans and a sports coat. He was taller than David, close to my height, maybe a half-inch shorter. His sandy brown hair was a little long on top, but shorter in the back. He had almond-shaped green eyes that were blinking very fast. Either he was nervous, or he had a tic. I had a friend in grade school who had a tic, often scratching his face over and over, until it would bleed. It was awful, I felt so bad for him.
David smiled cordially. “Chain Alexander, Christopher Blu.” I stood up and walked over to Christopher, shaking his hand.