“I don’t know,” she murmured. “I have some pain.”
“Do you think it’s time?”
“I’m not sure,” she said quietly. “Can you go get my mother?”
I got out of bed and put on a T-shirt before knocking on the spare room door. I could hear Maria’s father snoring intensely.
“Valentina, Valentina,” I said quietly until she opened her eyes. “Maria needs to see you. She thinks it might be time.”
“Okay. I’m coming.” She switched on the side lamp, put on her glasses, and came out.
When we reached the bedroom, Valentina began to speak in rapid Italian.
“Mama, please in English, so Harry can understand,” Maria mumbled.
“Okay, okay,” Valentina said quickly. “Are the pains coming regularly?”
Maria nodded. “About every fifteen minutes.”
“Harry, you had better go call the doctor,” her mother said. “I think maybe it’s time.”
I went out into the hallway and made the call. The doctor, half awake, was of the same opinion as Valentina. I hung up the phone. I was still very sleepy.
“He says we should go to the hospital and he will meet us there,” I said, attempting to take control of the situation. “Why don’t you both get dressed, and I’ll go get the car from the garage then let’s meet downstairs in ten minutes.”
While Maria slowly dressed, her mother arranged the hospital bag and baby things. I went outside and down the stairs.
I had the car serviced some days ago and hoped there would be no problems. I got to the garage and it started with one turn.
“Beautiful,” I said out loud.
It was cold inside and I could see my breath in the air, and the heat from my body made the windows steam up. I drove out and up the ramp only seeing partially. Beyond the car windows I could see that the night was clear and the stars were out. As the tiredness passed I became excited.
I saw them waving in the distance by the entrance of the building and flashed the headlights and pulled up, jumping out quickly to help Maria into the car. I closed the door and we started up the hill as quickly as possible.
“Where’s Leonardo and Liv?” I asked.
“They will join us in a few hours,” Valentina said. “Don’t worry, Harry, they will be there.”
“Yes, but I wanted Liv to be there with us,” I said.
“And she will be,” said Maria. “But the baby won’t just arrive. It will take a few hours. So they have time. And you know she needs a moment to wake up. Please relax.”
She stopped talking and let out a long murmur.
“Oh, that was a strong one,” she said. I put my foot on the pedal and ran a red light.
Arriving at the American hospital, we went in and I carried the bags. There was a fat woman at the front desk who wrote down Maria’s name, address, age, and doctor’s name. A nurse soon appeared.
“I will take you up to your room, and your doctor will be here shortly,” she said in English.
We went up an elevator and down a long hall. The hospital was deadly silent and the hallway was dark until we started walking and the automatic lights hissed on, slowly one by one. Maria was holding onto my arm tightly, walking one step at a time. We got into the room and closed the door. She undressed and got into bed. She was given a plain light blue square-cut nightgown that looked very surgical. Her mother pulled a side chair close and held Maria’s hand. The nurse knocked on the door and came back in.
“Are we all fine and comfortable?” she asked.
“Yes, perfectly fine. Thank you,” Maria said.
“We don’t get many Italians having babies in this hospital,” said the nurse, smiling. “You are Italian?”
“Yes, but my partner, Harry, is English.”
The nurse looked over to me and I gave her a smile. The nurse had a nice face and seemed very kind.
“Tell me, nurse, when is the doctor arriving?” I asked.
“Do not worry, he’s on his way. We have plenty of time, so please relax. How are the pains?” she asked Maria.
“They’re getting closer and stronger,” Maria gasped. “About ten minutes apart.”
“Let me see.” She held Maria’s wrist and felt her stomach and then timed them. Maria looked over at me and smiled.
“Okay,” said the nurse, nodding. “They are coming along nicely. I don’t think it will be too much time before we start prepping.”
Maria’s mother stood up and said she was going to the bathroom. I sat down and held Maria’s hand, then the nurse left too.
“How are you doing, sweetheart?” I asked.
“I’m fine. I’m starting to get excited,” she said.
“Me too.” I grinned.
It was dim and cool in the room. As she lay on the bed I could see the big mirror on the other side of the room but could not see what it reflected. It did not smell like a hospital, I thought.
“Harry, there’s something I want to ask you about,” she said, closing her eyes against the pain of her contractions. “Because it’s bothering me.”
“Sounds serious.”
“Well, when I was unpacking yesterday I found a little black notebook,” she said, watching me. “And inside it had all this stuff about David. And, well, it’s really troubling me.”
I stiffened up.
“Maria, I can explain,” I said quickly.
“Then please do,” she said. “Because if I didn’t know any better, it sounded like you planned the whole thing.”
“Maria…” I paused and had something on the tip of my tongue to say, but nerves got the better of me. I looked up at the ceiling.
“Did you?” she asked.
“Of course not.” I shook my head. “He died of CO2 poisoning. Please let’s discuss this when you’re back home. Now is not the time. I can explain everything later.”
“Then what was all that in the notebook?”
“It was just ideas for a novel. Ideas for a murder.” I shrugged. “I told you, I’m writing a thriller. Maybe I used David’s name in the notebook, but only because I was stressed out about him at the time. Really, sweetheart. I had nothing to do with it. Honestly.”
She was about to say something but at that moment Valentina walked back in the room.
“How are we doing?” she asked.
“Fine,” Maria said, looking away from me. I stood up looking at her, wondering what she was thinking.
“Harry, why don’t you go out and get some coffee for Mama,” was all she said. “I think you could use some air.” Her face then screwed up. “Owaaa,” she screamed out. “That was a big one!”
I could only stand there, not wanting to leave.
“Harry, go,” she begged. “You’re making me nervous.”
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll go.”
I went outside for a smoke, hating myself. How could I have been so careless? I should have burned the damn thing in France. What if she told her mother? And where the hell was the doctor? It was getting light now. I took another cigarette, inhaling it deeply into my lungs.
There was a café across the street with its lights on. I walked over and stood at the long zinc bar while the waiter finished putting the tables out on the terrace. He came in and served me a double espresso. The waiter looked at me with his cold French eyes and a look of worry. I’m sure he’s wondering what the hell’s wrong with me. I’m getting awfully slow, I thought. Somebody will take me down any day now. Maybe even Maria.
“Goodbye,” I said and left coins on the bar.
“Au revoir, monsieur.”
I took two black coffees in plastic cups and went back up the stairs, and onto the floor where Maria’s room was. I opened the door and the room was empty. I went down to the end of the hall where there were lights and noise. I opened the door slightly and could see Maria lying there. She was covered in bloody sheets, and two nurses and one doctor, our doctor, were rushing around either side of her.
“Harry!”
I tur
ned around. It was Valentina. “Harry, I was looking for you.” She seemed frantic.
“What’s happened? Is she okay?”
“I don’t know. She had pain and started bleeding and then she passed out and was rushed away.”
“Oh my God.” I could see through the door that she had a mask over her face and was breathing rapidly. There was so much blood, and the doctor’s hands were covered in the stuff. I opened the door and shouted for the nurse. Taking her eyes away from Maria for a second, she came over.
“Monsieur, we are doing all we can,” she said calmly. “But you must wait outside.”
“But what’s wrong?” I cried. “Is she okay?”
“Please,” she insisted. “You must wait outside.”
The door swung closed. Valentina was crying now so I went over and put my arm around her, but when I did she backed away. I stood looking at her. Of course Maria had told her, I thought.
I went down the hall and into the room she was last in and sat down on the chair. Poor Maria. I felt sick. I stood up and went to the window, hoping to open it for some fresh air, but it was bolted shut.
Why was there so much blood? Was the baby okay? Had our conversation put stress on her?
I wanted a drink of water and found the bell on a cord by the bed and rang it but nobody came. I don’t know what I would do if we lose the baby. Could we lose our baby? Was that even a possibility? I couldn’t lose another.
I slammed my body against the window until it opened slightly and lit a cigarette. What if Maria should die, I thought weakly. Could God really be that cruel?
No, she won’t die, I told myself. People don’t die in childbirth anymore. Maybe twenty years ago. But it’s 1960 now. That sort of thing does not happen these days.
But what if she does die, asked a terrible voice in my head. She can’t die, I protested. We’ve gone through so much and come too far for her to die like this. It’s just nature giving her hell. And that’s all it is. Suddenly the door swung open and Liv came running into the room.
“Harry Bear!” she shouted and jumped onto me. I picked her up and gave her a kiss.
“Hey, snowflake.”
“Where is Mama?” she asked.
“She’s with the doctors.”
“Is she sick?”
“No.” I shook my head. “She’s fine. She’s just working on getting you a baby brother or sister.”
“I want a sister.” Liv grinned up at me.
“I know you do, snowflake,” I said. “But just to make sure, I’ll tell the doctors.”
She wanted to climb down but I couldn’t let her go. I just held her tight.
“Harry!” her mother shouted from the hall. I ran down with Liv in my arms. Valentina was there, accompanied now by Maria’s father.
“What is it?” I asked, unable to keep panic from my voice.
“They just came out of the room and rushed her to the elevator.”
“Well, did they say anything?” I asked. “Where did she go?”
“I don’t know, they wouldn’t say.” She shook her head. “They just told us to stay here.”
“Do something, Harry,” her husband urged me in his bad English. I nodded, handed Liv over, and dashed toward the elevator. I could see that the elevator had stopped on the fifth floor. I kicked open the stairwell door and ran up the two flights of stairs before pelting down the hallway, checking each room with a light on.
Then I saw her, but I was too afraid to go in. There were six people all around her now. I stood frozen, watching through the small window of the door. A nurse saw me and told the doctor. He turned to look at me and then came out.
“Doctor, what the hell’s going on?” I demanded. He took off his paper mask.
“We have an obstructed labor and the baby is not getting enough oxygen,” he said. “I’m sorry, but we are running the risk of losing the baby.”
I breathed. “And Maria?”
“She’s holding on, but it’s hell for her.” The doctor shook his head. “We need to get the baby out now by Caesarean.”
“Do whatever you need, doctor,” I said, grabbing his arm. “Just save them both. Please.”
“I will try,” he said, taking my hand. “We are keeping Maria as comfortable as possible, but she’s not conscious. I have her hydrated and on antibiotics. But I have to tell you, once we get the baby out, she will be at massive risk of postpartum bleeding. She’s already lost a lot of blood.”
“What’s that?”
“It’s when a woman loses the child,” the doctor explained gently. “She then loses a lot of blood.”
“But that’s not going to happen, right?” I asked, looking from the doctor to Maria on the operating table. “You can fix all this, right, doctor?”
“I will try,” he sighed. “We have to focus now on the baby. But I need to know, if it comes down to saving Maria or the baby…?”
“You save Maria,” I said without a trace of doubt.
“Okay. Understood.” He put his hand on my shoulder and gave me a brave smile before rushing back in.
I went downstairs like a walking ghost and gave the news to her parents. We all came up to the fifth-floor waiting room. Liv played cards with Leonardo on the floor.
There was sunlight coming in through the windows, and I looked around the room at the bare walls and two chairs and my legs were jumpy, and after three hours of not hearing anything Valentina started to cry. I asked Leonardo to take Liv to the café across the street for some breakfast, and we all felt utterly useless and I kept going down the hallway and looking into the window, but the scene never changed. They were working hard and I paced the hallway again and again.
I stood at the door window and saw the doctor turn a dial and then look at his watch. He then turned toward me and came out the door.
“I’m sorry,” were the first words spoken. “She had one hemorrhage after another and we lost the baby. She lost too much blood. I’m so sorry.”
“Is she dead?” I asked, looking into his face. He looked away.
“I need you to say it! Is she dead?”
“Yes, she’s dead,” he said. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Hoffman.”
I put my hands up to my mouth and could feel my legs starting to give way, and the doctor grabbed me and pulled me toward the chair and I bent down and put my head in my hands and sobbed. The doctor sat down next to me, and we stayed like that for some minutes.
“Can I see her?”
“Of course you can. Come with me.” He helped me up and I entered the empty room. My legs were jelly. It was quiet now and the doctor walked out slowly.
Maria was lying there. She didn’t look dead, only pale. Her eyes were closed. I walked over and took her hand; it still felt slightly warm.
I sat down on the chair in front of the bed. Reports hung on clips at the side and I looked out of the window. I could see nothing but the rain falling across the light from the window. So that was it.
What would I tell Liv? Maria was so strong and healthy and beautiful, even in death. How could this happen? Did the doctors do something wrong, or was it me? Had our conversation given her stress and made this happen? Beautiful, kind-hearted Maria, who I loved so much. She didn’t deserve this.
I had no religion in that moment. I wished to hell it was me lying there instead of her.
“Oh, darling, what will I do without you?” I asked her, willing her to wake up and answer me with a sleepy smile.
The nurse came to the door but did not come in. After a while I went to the door and opened it very softly and looked out. I could not see at first because there was such a bright light in the hall. Then I saw the nurse sitting by a desk.
I turned around and sobbed uncontrollably and stayed like that until the sobbing eased away. Slowly I gathered the courage to walk out.
I went down the hallway and the nurse looked up, and then into the waiting room, and from my pale face and red eyes, they already knew. Valentina fell down onto the chair and st
arted to scream out Maria’s name. Leonardo came over and put his arm around her and cried. I looked over at Liv. She was looking up from the floor, trying to understand what was going on. I walked over and picked her up and tried my best to explain without crying.
I carried her to the room so she could say goodbye. I was shaking now and she could feel it. I placed her on the bed, and Maria’s parents came in and stood by the door.
“Give her a kiss goodbye, snowflake,” I whispered. Behind me I heard Valentina let out a cry and walk away.
“Mama, wake up.” She shook her arm. “Why won’t she wake up?” she asked, looking up at me.
“Because she can’t, sweetheart,” I said, my voice breaking. “She’s not here anymore.”
“Why?” Liv asked, a small, confused frown gathered on her forehead. She started to cry.
“Because she was sick,” I said with a lump in my throat.
“And my sister?” she asked.
“She’s gone too,” I said. I was trying to hold it together but the tears were now streaming down my face.
“Please, snowflake, give her a kiss and say goodbye,” I said. She leaned over and kissed her cheek and held her mother tight. She understood what was happening now and let out a scream, frantic. Her legs were now kicking, and she threw her arms around on the bed. I began to cry. I picked her up but she didn’t want to leave Maria’s side. She grabbed onto the covers and pulled them onto the floor as I lifted her off the bed. I held her for a moment until she calmed down.
“What happened, Harry Bear?” she said as she rubbed her eyes.
“She was sick, and now she’s left us and has gone to heaven.”
“But I want my Mummy,” she screamed out. “Please wake up Mummy.” I sat down with her on my lap on the chair next to the bed and held her tight.
“Will you also leave me now?” she turned and asked.
“Oh, sweetheart,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not going anywhere if you don’t want me to.”
We went to the door of the room and turned off the light and shut the door, and I tried to say goodbye, but it wasn’t any good. It was like saying goodbye to a statue.
I carried her out down the hall and felt like I wasn’t really there, like this wasn’t really happening. We all drove home in silence, and when we arrived home I put Liv in our bed, shut the door, and turned off the light.
In Another Country, and Besides Page 24