by Liz Plank
I know the pushback to the gender reset will be fierce, especially since it concerns fundamentally changing our relationship to men and their gender. Whenever anyone attempts an iota of reflection about the way we raise boys, a classic attack is leveled. People advocating to reform toxic portrayals of masculinity are painted as trying to feminize men. First, let’s recognize that this classic deflection preys on our own internalized prejudice that men acting feminine or embracing femininity is a bad thing and that there is something inherently unnatural about men acting like women when we demand that women act like men all the time. But most important, we need to recognize that women aren’t trying to make men “more feminine”; the world is becoming more feminine.
A more accurate way to put it is that the skills and characteristics that we traditionally associated with women have become more valuable. The world is changing, so it would foolish not to also change the way we raise boys as a result.
One of the ways this plays out is when we look at how emotional intelligence (EQ) is increasingly seen as a valuable skill in our modern world for all genders. EQ, defined as the ability to understand, manage and express emotions, is not just necessary to guarantee men’s success in their relationships and friendships; it’s also increasingly seen as a crucial predictor of their performance in the workplace and their overall happiness. The concept was coined by psychologist and bestselling author Daniel Goleman, who has found that EQ is almost twice as important as IQ because it is correlated with a child’s later success more than any other measure, regardless of gender. He often cites one study that found that cognitive control, which is the ability to self-regulate, predicted financial success and overall health better than IQ or family environment. Goleman, who was the first to advocate the concept of emotional intelligence, says we need to teach our children emotional hygiene just as much as we teach them about physical hygiene. While we tell children to brush their teeth every day and warn them about the dangers of not doing so, we don’t spend nearly as much time teaching them how to create healthy emotional habits and what could await them if they don’t (especially if those children are boys). Goleman insists that EQ isn’t something that some people have; it’s a muscle that all of us can develop if we work at it. Healthy emotional intelligence doesn’t mean a more expansive expression of emotions; it means a smarter expression of emotions. It means we let boys have feelings so that those feelings don’t end up governing them. It’s not about having more emotions; it’s about knowing how to control them so that they don’t control you. Instead of resisting the growing importance of emotional intelligence to protect men from “feminization,” let’s recognize that emotional intelligence is useful for us all and that denying one gender the full expression of their emotional capabilities is negligent, at best. EQ coming to replace IQ as the best measure of one’s self-actualization is just one of the changes we need to properly prepare boys for so that they can be successful and fulfilled in the modern world.
We need a gender reset, and this is where mindful masculinity comes in as a necessary tool to achieve it. Mindfulness is defined as a state of being aware and conscious of one’s internal dialogue and behaviors. It’s often associated with the act of meditation, but mindfulness is really about getting in touch with the intentions behind your actions. To put it simply, the result is that we become aware of the reason why we do the things we do. Intentional masculinity is the cure for toxic masculinity. It’s by attending to masculinity that we can heal it. Mindful masculinity is how we can cleanse it from all the lies it’s been associated with. It encourages men to look inward to remain connected to all those things that make them a good man instead of the unhelpful trash they’ve inadvertently absorbed and are inadvertently carrying around about what it means to be a “real man.” Being mindful about our gender means we awaken ourselves to the habits and behaviors we’ve automatically come to identify with and choose which ones serve us and which ones don’t. It’s about becoming an observer of those behaviors rather than being lost in them. At its core, it’s about getting masculinity off cruise control. Instead of seeing certain male behaviors as innate, inflexible and inevitable, we will come to see them as learned, changeable and avoidable. Mindful masculinity is all about taking back control. In order to truly be autonomous, we need to let go of the feelings we identify with.
Although practicing mindful masculinity is about men getting in touch with what makes them feel aligned with what makes them feel good about being a man, it’s also about facing pain and taking radical responsibility for it. In the process of becoming more conscious of what drives us, we may encounter pain and even trauma, and that can be one of the most difficult challenges, especially if you’ve been trained to avoid it. But the urgency of mindfully approaching what has harmed you can be summed up by spiritual leader and author Richard Rohr, who says that whatever pain you don’t transform, you will transmit. Indeed, what you don’t become conscious of ends up controlling you. The journey of conscious masculinity means being brave enough to examine pain as well as love and get knowledge and control over your life. It’s the ultimate form of protecting others, because there’s no greater way to show love for others than by taking responsibility for yourself.
Practicing mindful masculinity requires courage, a central virtue that men cite as connected when you ask them what makes them proud to be a man. If we go back to Michael Kimmel’s enlightening exercise with men from the very beginning of this chapter, it’s clear that the characteristics associated with a “good man” come from a place of strength and that characteristics associated with a “real man” come from a place of fear. “Standing up for the little guy” requires bravery. “Integrity” necessitates audacity. But be aggressive and never cry don’t originate from a place of courage; their birthplace is shame. Mindful masculinity allows men to ensure that their choices align with the virtues that make them honored to be a man and practice the virtues connected with the things they know to be true. It’s by consciously approaching masculinity that they can see the barriers that being a “real man” poses to being a good man.
The most important thing about mindful masculinity is that it’s not about shunning masculinity; it’s about claiming it back. It was best summed up by a comment Jason Shaw McDonald left me on Facebook. “One of the most beautiful revelations I’ve had of late, is that there is nothing more masculine than having control over your emotions and mental health,” he said. “That’s not to say to not be sad, or angry, or scared, rather, to acknowledge those emotions, have the right tools to deal with them when they arise, and to face situations with measured discipline and restraint.” He told me he had struggled to come to grips with healthy masculinity for a long time, but that he had finally understood that so much of his energy had been misdirected. “Instead of trying to control the world around us, we need to do a better job of controlling the storm inside us.”
Mindfully approaching gender is not just crucial for men; it’s a practice that all of us can find healing in. For many of us—not just men—gender is a lot like our closet: there’s some stuff back there just collecting dust and no longer assisting us that’s taking up a whole lot of space. I’m not going to tell men, or anyone else for that matter, what they need to get rid of; I’m just asking all of us to think deeply about what we’re holding on to and consciously let go if it’s not aligning with the person we want to be. Think of it as decluttering, but for your gendered habits. Is holding on to the idea that women are more emotional or that boys don’t need intimacy working for you? No? Then start decluttering your gender and throw away all the crap you’ve acquired over the years.
I’ll wait.
Notes
INTRODUCTION
1. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2902177/.
2. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14695019/.
3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2902177/#R14.
4. https://promundoglobal.org/2018/01/26/new-ana
lysis-toxic-masculinities-sexual-abuse/.
5. https://toronto.citynews.ca/2016/03/22/men-less-likely-to-wear-seatbelts-more-likely-to-die-in-crashes-opp/.
6. http://www.unodc.org/gsh/en/index.html.
7. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5734535/.
8. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17599274/.
2. MANHOOD IS NEVER FULLY EARNED AND NEEDS TO BE RENEWED OVER AND OVER AGAIN
1. By the way, men’s razors being both cheaper and sharper than women’s razors is patriarchy in a nutshell.
6. MALE SHAME: WHAT IS IT LIKE TO FEEL LIKE YOU NEED TO PROVE SOMETHING YOU NEVER QUITE FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE?
1. https://zdoc.site/homeless-men-exploring-the-experience-of-shame.html.
11. IF PATRIARCHY IS SO GREAT, WHY IS IT MAKING YOU DIE?
1. I hate terms that assume a male gender like “manpower” or “mankind,” but this is the one case where not using a gender-neutral term is entirely accurate.
2. I did. Many women do. Lots of women do.
12. THE MAKING OF MEN
1. Which, let’s be honest, is just a color invented to avoid calling men’s clothing pink.
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