by Liz Plank
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12. THE MAKING OF MEN
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13. COMPASSION AS THE ANTIDOTE TO HATE
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CONCLUSION: THE CASE FOR MINDFUL MASCULINITY
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Acknowledgments
If it weren’t for my loved ones, the book you’re holding wouldn’t be a pile of pages, it would be a pile of sweat and tears bound together with loose Cheetos crumbs. To all my friends and family who thought I couldn’t possibly be more anxious, depressed and dramatic, I accepted your challenge and you are extremely welcome! I undoubtedly will forget to thank someone who helped me immensely throughout this process but hopefully they won’t have bothered to buy this book and will never know.
OK here we go.
Eve Attermann, thank you. You are the most extraordinary agent and friend I could have ever asked for and I cannot tell you what it means to have you in my corner. Thank you, for responding to all my panicky texts, calls, emails, subtweets and coded Instagram stories. Special shout-out to the time you thought you were peacefully coming out of your Soul Cycle class only to find me ugly-crying all over the overpriced spandex shorts for sale in the lobby. I’m sorry for the higher power who felt like that coincidence needed to happen but I’m also thankful it lead to you successfully extending my deadline. I feel so lucky the universe put me in the direction of your magic ability to see in people what they can’t yet see in themselves.
My fellow Hungarian and dobosh-torte–loving editor, Hannah Braaten, at St. Martin’s Press, as well as Nettie Finn and everyone at Macmillan and St. Martin’s Press, thank you, for believing in this book when so many other publishers told me not to. Thank you for bringing actual, real-life men to our first meeting and believing in the wacky idea that men can and do in fact buy books! Your support has meant the world to m
e.
Quinn Heraty. If I could hand over all my decisions to one person it would be you. You’re an impeccable lawyer, but you’re also so much more than that to me and so many other female journalists who work in an industry that undervalues their contributions and their talent. Thank you, for helping so many women harness their superpowers and take the necessary plans to own them.
My hilarious, caring and brave sister, Emilie Plank. You gave me the idea to write this book over spicy ramen late one night in the East Village and you have found every possible way to support me both emotionally and intellectually throughout this project and every other creative endeavor I’ve ever attempted. Ever since we started stealing Dad’s camcorder to shoot our first talk show about monkeys and farts, you have always been my creative collaborator, co-conspirator and best friend. Thank you, for always believing in the best of humanity and the best of my worst ideas. And speaking of my family, although my mom hasn’t read this book yet because she thinks “Google Docs” is where she can get a good fresh piece of salmon, I really hope she likes it, because she has inspired every single thing I’ve ever done. She raised me to believe that gender equality is not a probability, it’s an inevitability. She modeled a kind of resilience and strength that has given me the confidence to believe that I, too, can take my worst experiences and transform pain rather than transmit it. And of course, big ups to my dad, for setting the standard of how a man should look and cook far too high to ever be met by any man I’ll ever meet, and my grandmother Erzsébet, for surviving the worst circumstances, to raise the best man I’ll ever know. Thank you, for praying for us. We can tell.
Holy freaking cats, Meredith Bennett-Smith. You are the only reason I didn’t end up escaping to a remote island and deleting this entire book three months before it was due. You saved this book, even if you took out all my food jokes and I’m still pretty upset about it. Speaking of saviors, Esther Bergdahl, I don’t even know what to say! Thank you, for swooping in like a superhero when I needed you most to make sure this book was bulletproof. To me, you will always be the LeBron James of fact-checking.
Ashley Bearden! Thank you, for continuously giving me the silly idea to keep believing in myself. You invited me on life-changing trips, read this entire book off a janky Google Doc and have always seen the best in everything I do. You came up with the new book title, helped me craft new perspectives, walked me through countless existential brainstorms and have always pushed me to see all the ways my vision could exist in the world. The Delta Skymiles app may have us legally filed as a married couple, but that doesn’t even begin capture how important you are to me!
Steven Cape, thank you, for reading the first and definitely worst draft that was ever written and still giving me productive feedback and advice. Matteen Mokalla, thank you, for reading the introduction twice when no one asked you to. Jemila Ashley Brady, thank you, for giving me your seal of approval and being way too good at way too many things. Thank you, Michelle Garcia, for agreeing to read parts of this book when you had just grown a human inside of you. Thank you, Justin Carter and Chelsea Livingston, for your valuable insights. Thanks to Lindsey Taylor Wood, for challenging me to take care of my mental health so that I could take care of this book. And a special thank-you to my therapist, Margo, for reminding me that you don’t have to like this book as long as I do.
Catherine Gratton-Gagne, you are my sister and my life partner. Thank you, for always supporting me in every possible way from so many many miles away. Caira Conner, you are the rock every woman deserves. You are an endless source of support, unconditional love and texts that make me accidentally spit out my coffee. I cannot wait for YOUR book (keep your eyes out for it, people). Rachel Sklar and Glynnis MacNicol, thank you, for always cheering me on; your support has been so healing. Thank you, Ruth Anne and Bill Harnish, for opening up your home to me when I was in deep need of serenity. Jonathon Ende! You created a space in your summer home for me to find this book, and you created a space inside your heart where I could find myself. I’m eternally grateful the universe chose us over and over and over again. I can’t wait to read YOUR book.
Thank you, Anna Holmes, Anand Giridharadas, Samantha Irby, Stacy London, John Heilmann and Ari Melber, for having so much blind faith in me to back my first book before it was published.
I also want to thank the staff at the East Village Bean and the Wing, for letting me enter your respective establishments every day to work on this book even when I had visibly not showered or used a comb in several days. I also want to thank all my ex-boyfriends. Many of you offered guidance or material for this book (or both!), so thank you.
I will hold space in my heart forever for every single man who agreed to speak to me about the deeply private and personal aspects of their lives. Thomas, Victor, Wade, Glen, Mau, D’Arcee and Nico, you are some of the greatest humans I know and your vision of masculinity is what has inspired me to keep working at this project. I cannot tell you how grateful I am for you doing that, especially when so much hate is reserved for the men who do. Every male subject I interviewed for this book, including all the extraordinary, thoughtful and enlightened men who follow my work on various social media platforms, and especially those who participated in Facebook threads I quote in the book, thank you. Your candor and honesty have made me laugh, cry and rethink this entire conversation. Each and every one of you gives me hope and have taught me that we can in fact all be on the same team. Thank you to everyone, regardless of how you identify, for following my work online. Your support is the reason I was able to write this book.
Also if anyone sees Oprah, please thank her for everything. She’ll know what I mean.
About the Author
LIZ PLANK is an award-winning journalist as well as an executive producer and host of several critically acclaimed digital series at Vox Media. She’s been listed as one of Forbes’s 30 Under 30, Mediaite’s Most Influential in News Media, and Marie Claire's Most Powerful Women, and was named one of the World's Most Influential People in Gender Policy by Apolitical. She’s built a loyal following on numerous social media platforms, but her proudest accomplishment by far remains being blocked by the 45th president of the United States. You can sign up for email updates here.
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Contents
Title Page
Copyright Notice
Dedication
Author’s Note
Introduction
Amuse-bouche: Thomas’s Story
PART I. The Lies We Tell About Men
The Problem that Had No Name
Amuse-bouche: But First, a Quick Crash Course in Gender
1. You’re Not Born a Man
2. Manhood Is Never Fully Earned and Needs to Be Renewed Over and Over Again
3. Masculinity Is Under Attack
4. Men Are Slaves to Their Bodies and Their Nether Regions
5. Men Don’t Need Intimacy
6. Male Shame: What Is It Like to Feel Like You Need to Prove Something You Never Quite Feel Like You Have?
Amuse-bouche: Victor’s Story
PART II. I Love Men
7. The Great Suppression
Amuse-bouche: Wade’s Story
8. Bromance
Amuse-bouche: Glen’s Story
9. Waffles Are His Love Language
Amuse-bouche: Mau’s Story
10. The Mancession
Amuse-Bouche: The Post-#MeToo Rules
11. If Patriarchy Is So Great, Why Is It Making You Die?
Amuse-bouche: Nico’s Story
12. The Making of Men
13. Compassion As the Antidote to Hate
Amuse
-bouche: D’Arcee’s Story
Conclusion: The Case for Mindful Masculinity
Notes
Bibliography
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
First published in the United States by St. Martin’s Press, an imprint of St. Martin’s Publishing Group
FOR THE LOVE OF MEN. Copyright © 2019 by Elizabeth Plank. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Publishing Group, 120 Broadway, New York, NY 10271.
www.stmartins.com
Cover design by Kerri Resnick
The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
ISBN 978-1-250-19624-8 (hardcover)
ISBN 978-1-250-19625-5 (ebook)
eISBN 9781250196255
Our ebooks may be purchased in bulk for promotional, educational, or business use. Please contact the Macmillan Corporate and Premium Sales Department at 1-800-221-7945, extension 5442, or by email at [email protected].
First Edition: September 2019