But how were they supposed to do that when he kept shutting her out? He said that it was for her safety, but that was what men always said to women. Jasper and Will had made Mary stay behind the night of the brothel fire for her safety, but Mary had followed them. And even though she had been in danger, Mary herself had told Emma Jane that it had been her quick thinking that had saved them. When the bandits had them all trapped, Mary distracted the bandits by throwing the lit lamps at them, giving Will, Jasper and herself time to get away.
Even now, word about Mary’s bravery was getting out around town. She was a hero.
As they walked toward the parsonage, Emma Jane couldn’t help but wonder if a heroic act of her own might make the town look at her differently.
So what could Emma do that wouldn’t upset Jasper...?
“Mary!”
The youngest little girl came running up to them, and Mary swung her up in her arms. “How’s my sweet little Nugget?”
“Hungry! You’ve been gone ever so long, and Maddie said we couldn’t start eating until you and Uncle Frank got here.”
Emma Jane couldn’t help but smile at the child’s honesty. She’d heard that the younger Stone children had taken to calling Pastor Lassiter “Uncle Frank,” but experiencing it for herself warmed her heart. Just last winter, Pastor Lassiter’s wife and all of his children but Annabelle had succumbed to the illness that had run rampant through their community. Many families had lost loved ones, and it had seemed horribly unfair to Emma Jane that the good pastor had suffered such a tragedy. Yet here, in the happy chaos of his yard, Emma Jane saw no evidence of loss, but of the joy of living.
If only she could capture some of that for herself.
“They’re something else, aren’t they?” Pastor Lassiter’s voice came beside her.
“Yes, they are.” She turned to him, noticing the happiness on his face. “Can I ask you what may be an impertinent question?”
“I’m not sure you’re capable of asking an impertinent question.” His eyes twinkled. “Ask away.”
Emma Jane took a deep breath. “How did you do it? The past year, you’ve faced unimaginable losses, and yet here you are, still opening your heart and home with such joy?”
“That’s a good question.”
Emma Jane watched as he looked around the yard, seeming to take in every detail. “I think it’s several things. The first is that the human capacity to love is limited by our humanness. But when we allow that love space within us to be filled with the Lord, our capacity to love is limitless.”
Put that way, it was easy to understand as Emma Jane pictured the many folks who came through their church and their community, as well as the nearby communities Pastor Lassiter served so tirelessly. She’d wondered how one person could accomplish all of that.
“How do you get the Lord to fill that love space?” Immediately, Emma Jane thought of Mrs. Jackson. Perhaps relying on her own power to love her mother-in-law was where she was making the mistake. Could God give her the strength to love Mrs. Jackson?
“Ask Him. Read your Bible. And let Him work in you.”
Then Pastor Jackson turned to her and looked at her intently. “The other thing that got me through was the realization that we must see everything that comes our way as an opportunity from the Lord. We remember to thank Him for the good things, but we also need to take the time to look at the bad and ask the Lord what He’s trying to teach us through the situation.” Clearing his throat, he waited a beat before saying, “For me, I learned that while it’s easy to love the Lord during the good times, we must also cling to Him through the bad. Love Him just as much in the hard times, because the kind of the love that most honors God is the love that endures all things.”
Still, Emma Jane couldn’t imagine the strength it took to endure all of the loss in Pastor Lassiter’s life. He took her hand.
“I know that your marriage, and the events surrounding it, are less than ideal. But don’t think for a moment that the Lord has abandoned you. Draw near to Him, and I promise that you will make it through in a way far more profound than you could have imagined. He has good plans for you, Emma Jane, and I am praying you will cling to Him as He sees you through.”
Tears pricked the backs of her eyes. No one had expressed such a deep belief in her before. And yet, as she thought back to the pastor’s earlier words about the love of God, she realized that he wasn’t just expressing his own personal belief about her, but God’s belief in her.
“Thank you.” Emma Jane squeezed his hand. “I appreciate you sharing your heart with me.”
Pastor Lassiter gave a small smile. “If it makes you feel any better, I will also tell you that there are days I miss my sweet Catherine so much it hurts. It seems brutally unfair that I had to lose her. But as it says in Job, I can’t accept only the good and not the bad from the Lord. It’s all right to feel that way. Just keep giving it to God, and He will be faithful in standing beside you.”
His openness touched Emma Jane deeper than any of his sermons ever had. She wanted that kind of relationship with the Lord. That depth of love and trust. She’d do as he said—when she got home, she’d spend as much time as she could reading her Bible. There wasn’t that much else to do at the Jackson mansion, anyway. She might as well spend the time being productive.
However, before she could formulate a response, Nugget came barreling toward them.
“Uncle Frank! Let’s eat! Maddie made fried chicken, and I’ve got my eye on one of the legs.”
From matters of the heart to matters of the stomach. Emma Jane couldn’t help the joy welling up in her at the absolute delight of being with this family. Oh, Lord, she prayed, please let me find this joy in my own home.
Chapter Three
Emma Jane’s day with Mary had been exactly what she’d needed. Not only had she found incredible peace talking with Pastor Lassiter, but the afternoon spent visiting with Mary had given her a new strength. Their friend Polly, who was also staying at the parsonage with her family to help with the Stone children, had joined them, and Emma Jane could honestly not recall a more enjoyable afternoon. Then the three girls went to the barn, where the women from the fire were staying, and they were able to tend to some of the women’s needs. Emma Jane hadn’t had much of a chance to chat with her friend Nancy, so she’d promised to come back the following morning.
Which left her sitting in her luxurious bedroom in the Jackson mansion, Bible in front of her, and unable to sleep. The past several nights had been spent in misery, and now she felt so happy it seemed a sin to close her eyes.
Well, that and the fact that Jasper had not returned by suppertime as he’d promised.
Had he been hurt? Killed?
Or was it like all the promises she’d heard all her life from her father, the ones that consisted of “Things will be different this time, you’ll see.”
Nothing in her life had ever become different, not even when the one thing that was supposed to make a difference, marrying Jasper Jackson, had happened.
Floorboards creaked on the stairs, and Emma Jane jumped up. The Jacksons had already turned in for the evening, and surely by now the servants were already in bed. Which meant it had to be Jasper.
She opened the door and Jasper jumped.
“Emma Jane! What are you doing up?”
“Reading my Bible.” She smiled and opened the door wider. “How was your expedition? Was it successful?”
Jasper shook his head. “Another dead end.”
“Come in. Why don’t you tell me about it?”
Jasper looked at her like she was crazy. “I can’t come in your bedroom.” He glanced at her nightgown. “You’re not even properly dressed.”
With a sigh, Emma Jane pulled her shawl more tightly around her. “My nightgown is much more modest than what half the w
omen wear around town. Besides, we’re married.” She smiled up at him. “I’ve already been compromised, so it’s not as though you can compromise me any worse.”
But he glowered at her words. “That’s not funny.”
Emma Jane sighed. “I’m sorry. I was just trying to lighten up a bad situation. I didn’t mean to hit a raw nerve. Can we pretend I didn’t make a thoughtless comment, and then you come in and tell me about your progress? I’d like to work on our friendship, if that’s all right with you.”
When he didn’t answer, Emma Jane continued. “Besides, I meant what I said about wanting to help. Since you won’t let me do anything, at least let me listen. One of the women today said that having someone listen to her troubles was help enough for her.”
For a moment, she thought he was going to snap at her or comment about how it wasn’t time to work on their marriage, but then he sighed and took a step toward her door. “I suppose I can spare a few minutes.”
What happened to the Jasper she used to like? The man who used to like her?
“The chair by the window is comfortable. You could sit there if you like.” It sounded strange to her to be so formal with her own husband. Then again, it still sounded strange for her to refer to herself as having a husband.
“I’m glad you’re comfortable here,” Jasper said as he sat, settling against the soft velvety fabric.
“I’m still getting used to it all, to be honest. I’ve never had such luxuries, and having a staff is still intimidating.”
He laughed. Not the fake laugh she’d heard from across the room at so many social functions where she’d stood in the corner, praying no one would notice her. Rather, it was the same warm sound she’d heard from him when they’d gotten to know each other during the mine cave-in. After their rescue, they’d recuperated at a nearby lake resort because it was closer than returning to town. A stay that had been extended to a week due to a snow storm making the roads impassable.
There, she’d thought they’d become friends. Stuck in a hotel with no one but the proprietors and Will and Mary for company, they’d formed a bond of sorts, and their easy camaraderie had made her wonder why they hadn’t gotten to know each other sooner.
Emma Jane hadn’t heard that laugh since their wedding.
“I’ve missed that sound,” she said quietly, hoping it wasn’t the wrong thing to say. She’d already blundered in mentioning their past, but hopefully this would be a happier reminder.
Fortunately, Jasper rewarded her with a smile. “I guess we haven’t had much to laugh about. And I haven’t exactly warmed to your attempts at trying to ease the situation. Sometimes I feel selfish for enjoying life when a woman is dead because of me and I’ve yet to make it up to her.”
Back to sober Jasper. And yet, not. Because where he’d once shut her out, here he was opening up.
Could their relationship be turning a new corner as she’d hoped?
Emma Jane sat on her bed, pleased that at least Jasper had made himself comfortable on her chair.
“I don’t think she saved your life so you would feel guilty for living.” She gestured to the Bible she’d been reading. “I’ve been reading in John, where Jesus says that He’s come so people can have abundant life. I know it’s not an exact parallel, but Christ’s sacrifice was meant for us to be able to do good with our lives. Surely Mel dying for you was similar.”
Jasper stared at her for a moment, and Emma Jane felt silly for saying such things. Her mother and sister used to mock her for all of her “Bible nonsense,” and even her father told her it wasn’t seemly for a woman to be so familiar with Scriptures.
“I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Jasper said slowly. “You used to say things like that in Sunday school, things that made me think. I’d forgotten until now.”
Emma Jane felt her face warm, just as it had when their Sunday school teacher had complimented her. The other girls in the class, however, had teased her mercilessly. On top of all of her other faults, she’d been too bold in showing off her knowledge.
“Why are you embarrassed?” Jasper looked at her with an intensity that made her feel even more unclothed than she already was. “You used to say such interesting things in Sunday school, then you stopped.”
Then, with a note of what sounded like regret, he said, “And then you stopped coming at all.”
“I was tired of being made fun of by the other girls.” The words came out almost as a whisper, and her chest burned as she said them.
“I’m sorry. I never noticed.”
He truly did sound as though he felt badly for not noticing. But no one noticed Emma Jane. Not unless they found something to tease her about. Except Jasper. He’d never teased her.
“It’s all right. I stopped going to most of the church functions and took to reading the Bible on my own. I know it’s not seemly for a woman to spend so much time reading the Bible, but sometimes it was all I had.”
“Why did you come to the church picnic?”
Back to their shared history and events that they both seemed like they wanted to forget but couldn’t.
“My mother made me. I didn’t want to go. I knew word of my father’s bad night at cards had gotten out. But my mother said it was our only hope.”
“Marrying me.” His voice came out raspy, like it hurt to say the words as much as it hurt Emma Jane to admit her shame.
“Yes.” And then, because she couldn’t help it, “I’m sorry. I never meant any of this to happen.”
Flora’s words at the church came back to her. “I heard some of the talk that’s gotten around about what happened. I want you to know...”
“Stop. Please.” He ran a hand over his face. “I thought I could do this. I thought I wanted to get through it, but...”
Jasper let out a long sigh. “I want to understand, Emma Jane. But there’s still so much of me that thinks about what was taken away from me, and it’s hard to let go. I need you to be patient with me.”
Her chest was so tight it almost hurt to breathe. How she managed to get out the words, she didn’t know. “Of course. I...”
The rest, she couldn’t say. Because as much as she knew that Jasper resented not having a lot of choices in life, the choices he did have were a far sight better than anything Emma Jane had ever had. He acted as though she’d wanted to marry him. Not that she’d wanted to marry anyone else, of course, but just like Jasper had said he’d wanted to choose his own wife, she’d wanted to find her own husband.
Granted, what she wanted was probably a lot more than what Jasper wanted for himself. But for Emma Jane, she wanted a husband who wanted her. Who didn’t marry her out of obligation. Who enjoyed spending time with her...and genuinely liked and loved her...
Didn’t he realize that, in their marriage, all of her hopes and dreams had been dashed, as well?
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I didn’t mean for us to quarrel. Perhaps we can talk about something safe. Like what you’re reading in your Bible.”
Emma Jane forced a smile to her lips, hoping that, at least in this, they could find common ground.
Only, with the dark look that crossed Jasper’s face, she knew she’d missed the mark—again.
“I don’t read my Bible.”
She’d hoped, in marrying a man active in their church, that their faith would eventually bring them together. Apparently, even that hope was to be dashed.
“Why not?”
Jasper shrugged. “I learn plenty from Pastor Lassiter’s sermons. I know enough about God that I don’t need to keep studying. After all, I’ve been attending church since I was a child.”
Jasper might have grown up wealthy, but as Emma Jane recalled his mother’s words earlier about giving money to the church in lieu of helping out, she wondered if he might have grown up poor indeed.<
br />
“But Pastor Lassiter talks about the importance of reading God’s Word.”
Jasper shrugged. “And he reads it to us every Sunday. Why should I do more?”
“Because it deepens your relationship with the Lord.”
He looked thoughtful for a moment. “I suppose that’s why you always made such insightful comments in Sunday school. How often do you read your Bible?”
“Every day.” Emma Jane hoped her words didn’t sound too prideful. When she’d made a similar comment to one of the girls at church, she’d chastised Emma Jane for being too full of herself.
Jasper didn’t say anything for a long while, and as the silence began to grow uncomfortable, Emma Jane wondered what she could say that wouldn’t cause more strife between them.
Fortunately, Jasper’s stomach rumbled loudly, and it sent Emma Jane into motion.
“I just realized, the staff has all gone to bed, but if you’re hungry, or you want some tea, I could get you something.”
Finally. A small smile teased the corners of Jasper’s lips. “Mother will be furious if she finds you in the kitchen.” Then, in a mocking voice, he said, “Don’t you know that is what the help is for? We do not belong in their domain, just as they do not belong in ours.”
Emma Jane giggled. “That sounds exactly like her.”
“I’ve heard it my whole life.” Jasper yawned at the same time his stomach rumbled again.
“It would be no trouble to get you a sandwich. I spent all night working the night of the brothel fire to make sure everyone was taken care of. Cook and I became friends of sorts, and I think she’ll be happy if I get you something without disturbing her.”
Jasper sat up slightly. “I didn’t realize you spent so much time helping that night.”
“Of course. I couldn’t sleep, knowing that you, Will and Mary were confronting a dangerous situation. Then, when Mary and Rose came here, telling us of the fire, I had to do what I could. Rose was with the doctor, and poor Mary was exhausted and famished. I had to make sure she had something, and then, with you and Will still out there, I knew that you’d need something, as well. I didn’t sleep at all that night.”
Shotgun Marriage (Leadville, Co. Book 3) Page 4