For the Thrill of the Blunt

by Tom Sadira

  He looked at Big Willie. He glanced down at Lil Charlie.

  Fuck it. Let’s do this. I need a lighter, a gram of weed, and about five minutes on the Outernet.

  His eyes widened.

  Aliens.

  Porn.

  My god.

  Where the hell should I start?

  He sank into the sofa and pulled the laptop onto his chest.

  “Captain? You there?” Zylvya’s voice came from the air above him.

  Charlie leapt to his feet. The laptop, plate, and fork flew from his naked lap. As he spun, his erection swung like a miniature baseball bat and connected with the rim of the bong. The delicate glass sculpture toppled over the edge of the table, shattering on impact with the green marble floor. Shards of purple glass scattered in all directions.

  “Lil Charlie, you killed Big Willie!” Charlie cried. Lil Charlie began to rapidly lose girth, returning to a flaccid state within seconds.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” Zylvya’s voice came from the surrounding air. “Captain, are you drunk again? Did you go back to Lavaka?”

  “No, man!” Charlie tried to compose himself. “I haven’t left my quarters. Just got out of the shower, okay? I feel like death spread across shit toast. I’ll need a little more time before I can head to the Bridge.”

  “Fine, Captain,” Zee said, annoyance in her voice. “Don’t worry, it’s not like your crew has anything better to do.”

  “Good. Hey, one quick question.” Charlie stared out at the glass splinters scattered across the floor. “The Starseed always breaks my fall, you know, by doing that low gravity thing. So why would would something else, like, uh, I dunno, a glass vase, shatter?”

  “The Starseed’s substrate accommodates organisms, not inanimate objects. Why, what did you break now?”

  “Nothing!” Just as he wondered where he might find a broom, every last shard was absorbed into the green marble floor. “I was, uh, just curious.”

  “Captain, the ship almost blew up yesterday because you failed to inform me of something that you thought was no big deal!”

  “Everything is fine here, man. Trust me. Tell the crew I’ll be there shortly. Affirmative. Over and out.”

  He heard a long, disgruntled sigh, then silence.

  The throbbing in his head had begun to fade. The gentle crashing of waves on sand beckoned him to the patio that overlooked the fake ocean the Starseed had constructed for him. Charlie snatched his mug and walked outside. A yellow orb rested atop the horizon, licking the surface of the water with dazzling tongues of fire. A few grayish purple clouds stretched lazily from one end of the horizon to the other.

  He sipped from his perpetually steaming mug. The smell of coffee mingled with the salty breeze and filled the hungover stoner with comfort. For the first time all morning, he started to forget about his horrible alien hangover. He closed his eyes to let the peace of the moment settle over his being.

  Each wave took with it a bit of pain. His breath slowed. He felt his tense muscles begin to loosen. Finally, last night’s punishment was coming to an end.

  He cracked his eyelids to set his mug down on the banister and noticed movement on the shore.

  “See, I told you guys! This ape doesn’t wear clothes!” declared a tiny voice, immediately followed by a chorus of poorly restrained giggles.

  Charlie’s eyes flew wide open. Tension returned to his naked body. He leaned over the banister.

  A dozen tiny heads peeked through the surface of the water directly below his patio. They all looked like miniature versions of Axolotl, except each was a different color. They pointed webbed fingers at Charlie and giggled hysterically.

  Red-faced and as naked as the day he was born, Charlie’s first instinct was to freeze. Then, embarrassment took priority over shock. He quickly lowered the coffee mug to his crotch in a vain attempt at hiding it from the aquatic creatures. As he backed up through the patio door, his ankle caught on the threshold and coffee splashed onto his penis. He yelped and brushed the hot liquid away with his free hand.

  “Dammit!” He slammed the french doors shut. “Can’t I get a little privacy around here!?”

  4

  “I’m telling you, there’s no way through the Cerulean Nebula!” Swarm’s raspy voice bellowed from the other side of the spiral purple door. “I’m the Chief of Security, and it’s my job to keep idiots like you from destroying the Starseed!”

  “Ships have been avoiding Big Blue for millennia, yo.” Charlie pictured Axo’s wide, wet lips squelching excitedly. “There’s gotta be something worth finding in there! It’s our mission to—”

  “To stay alive! Which means we avoid idiotic maneuvers like flying headfirst into a giant cloud of explosive, toxic gases,” Swarm rattled.

  “Oh, come on, bugbrain. I know you have an exoskeleton and all, but show a little backbone! We don’t know what those gases are composed of. Legends say that—”

  “You know where you can shove your so-called legends, squishy? Straight up your—”

  “Cool it, guys!” Zylvya snapped. “It’s up to the captain, not us.”

  Charlie sniffed his hoodie. The smell of Nadia’s incense had almost completely dissipated. That was good; he didn’t want them to know he’d stopped there on his way to the Bridge. He twirled a folded slip of paper between his fingers.

  Jean-Luc Picard would never have stood paralyzed outside the Bridge of the Enterprise. A man’s man like James T. Kirk would have just stormed in, puffed out his chest, and boldly announced the next mission to his crew.

  He unfolded the paper and stared at the sketch of the six-petaled, neon blue flower with the scrawny black stem.

  * * *

  Good luck, Captain. ~N

  * * *

  The slouching stoner straightened up and raised his chin. He lifted a palm, but just before pressing it against the door, he let it fall to his side.

  C’mon Charlie, grow a pair! Remember what she said: You’re the Captain. You give the orders. They follow them.

  “Uh, guys, why don’t you ask him yourself? He’s been standing right outside that door for a while now,” Del said.

  Charlie gasped. Before he could react, the door swirled open.

  A million pinpoints of starlight rained down through the great dome and illuminated the crew standing around Del’s console. All eyes were on him. The thumping in his head, which had quieted to a dull murmur, exploded with pent-up fury.

  “Thanks for getting the door, man.” Charlie simpered and strutted into the Bridge. He slid a thin, white cylinder from his afro, popped it between his lips, and scanned his crew. Zylvya’s mossy eyebrows were arched halfway up her forehead. Axolotl’s jaw hung open, allowing a thin strand of drool to creep toward the floor. Swarm’s antennae stood erect and his mandibles clacked wildly. Del’s hands, which spent most of their time dancing across his console, hovered motionless above its screens.

  Something was definitely wrong. Charlie quickly ran through a checklist of reasons why his crew was acting so strange:

  A big, fat booger stuck to his face? He sniffed and casually ran the back of his hand under his nose. All clear.

  Was his zipper down again? Not likely, since to avoid another bitchy comment from Zylvya he’d triple-checked it on the way over. Still, he checked again. His barn door was secure.

  Maybe his afro was all dented or lopsided? No way. While that might deserve a snicker or two, he couldn’t imagine a bad hair day causing the horrified, excited twinkle in his crews’ eyes.

  Charlie decided to play it cool. He lit the joint, puffed life into its ember, then chuckled through a mouthful of smoke. “What’s up, guys? Everything okay?”

  “Del, secure the Bridge,” Zylvya said calmly, without taking her eyes off Charlie. The scrawny, greasy-haired teenager slammed a palm onto his console. A heavy clunking sound boomed from all the doors.

  “Axo, Swarm.” She waved a hand to either side of Charlie.

  “Not funny,
man!” Charlie stumbled back. “I get it. I’m late. Kinda had a rough night, okay?”

  “I call first dibs.” Zylvya stepped forward, her slender, wood-grained hands extended like the claws of an eagle.

  “Wrong, Zee!” Swarm twitched excitedly. “Whoever grabs him first gets the first bite.”

  Every scrap of coolness Charlie had managed to scrounge up fell from his face. He plucked the joint from his lips and held it out. “No biting. Biting is bad. How about you all take a hit and chill the fuck out?”

  No one answered. They’d dispersed themselves in a wide circle and were taking slow, careful steps toward him.

  “Uh, guys, looks like it’s a mature specimen. Should be large enough for all of us to get in a couple bites.” Del swiped at his console. “On the downside, since it’s, uh, been rooted there so long, it might take a fair bit of jostling to coax it out.”

  Charlie felt the spiral door against his back. They had him surrounded. A lump of fear caught in his throat. “C’mon, let’s talk this over!”

  “Don’t worry, yo. We’ll take care of everything.” Axo smacked his big, wet lips. “Just hold still, it’ll all be over soon.”

  All at once, the trio rushed him. Charlie motioned as if to dash between Axolotl and Zylvya, but at the last second spun and dove between Swarm and the wall. A claw brushed against his ‘fro as he rolled under the insectoid’s four arms.

  “Del!” he screamed as he sprinted toward the far side of the Bridge. “Open the doors! That’s an order!”

  “Uh, sorry, Captain. No can do.”

  Something slapped against his arm. Axo’s blue tongue was stretched halfway across the room, yanking and tugging Charlie backward. He bent over, pulled his hoodie up and over his head, and shimmied free. Without looking back, he darted to the adjacent door and slammed both palms against it. They didn’t open.

  “Fuck! Mother! The crew’s gone mad! Let me out, man!”

  “Must I do everything around here?” Zylvya said from somewhere behind him. Charlie turned to try another door but found his feet planted firmly on the ground. Thick vines had sprouted from the green marble floor and had coiled up both legs. The more he struggled, the tighter they constricted.

  Before he knew what was happening, claws and webbed hands had grabbed hold of him and lifted him into the air. The world spun. His head pounded furiously.

  “Look at the way his eyes bulge! Must be a big, juicy one,” Swarm rattled.

  “What are you waiting for?” Axo yelled. “Jostle him, yo!”

  Charlie felt another pair of claws on his ankles. Without warning, they began shaking him up and down, side to side.

  “Come on, bugbrain, put those four arms to work!” Zylvya taunted.

  Stomach acid frothed and bubbled up Charlie’s esophagus.

  “Uh, wow! It really doesn’t want to come out. Shake him harder, Swarm!”

  “I think I see something, yo!”

  He felt his skull splintering from his forehead to his brainstem.

  “Just a little more, and I can grab hold of it!” Zee shouted.

  The sound in the room became muffled. A sharp, tearing sensation—like ripping off a bloody scab—tore through the inside of his head. Just as the pain reached its climax, he felt a sudden pop. His hearing was restored. The jostling stopped. The pressure behind his eyes vanished completely.

  Poof. No more splitting headache!

  A warm euphoria washed over him as he felt himself lowered to the smooth marble floor. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so damn good. It no longer mattered that his crew had just chased him around the Bridge, suspended him in the air, and shook the life out of him. The goddamn relentless, mind-splitting, soul-crushing pain he’d wrestled with all morning was finally gone.

  He found his joint smoldering nearby and returned it to his lips. After filling his lungs with sweet cannabis smoke, he propped himself onto his elbows and watched the bizarre scene unfolding before his eyes.

  His crew had devolved into a pack of wild animals fighting over a thin, rubbery tube. The tube had a slimy sheen, was no thicker than a pencil, and glowed with a bright red aura. Zylvya bit down on one end and repeatedly tossed her head away from her crew mates. A couple yards away, Swarm’s mandibles tugged and yanked at the other end. Axolotl gnawed at the tube’s midsection. Del kept inching his way into the brawl, taking a few half-hearted swipes at the thing, then quickly leaping back out of the fray.

  Charlie, his skull stuffed with warm cotton candy, puffed on his joint and watched the battle unfold.

  This is some wacky-ass alien version of The Three Stooges.

  Finally, Axolotl’s teeth managed to sever the thing. The midsection of tube disappeared into his mouth, and what was left on either end was instantly slurped up by Zylvya and Swarm.

  “Uh, thanks for saving me a bite, guys. As usual.” Del trudged to his circular console and sighed loudly enough for everyone to hear.

  Zylvya licked the last bit of goo from her lips and straightened up. “This always happens, Del. You know how it works around here. If you want to carnivorate, don’t hesitate.”

  “Stop. Hold up. The captain calls for a time out, man!” Charlie leapt to his feet. “Since I’ve arrived on the Starseed, I’ve been denied any kind of meat. But then, just yesterday, I watched everyone feasting on those nasty, little, spider mite fuckers. And now you’re all munching on some slimy worm thing—right in front of me, on my Bridge!”

  “Your Bridge?” Emerald fire ignited in Zylvya’s eyes. “No one owns any part of the Starseed, Captain.”

  Ignoring her, he started pacing and waving his half-joint in front of him as he continued, “Where’d you guys get that thing anyway?”

  “Uh-duh, Captain…” Del sighed. “That was just a—”

  “And hey, why the hell’d you all attack me as soon as I entered the room, man?” His warm, fuzzy feeling was quickly fading away.

  “We can explain everything, yo!” Axolotl placed a webbed hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “See, something we haven’t had time to tell you yet is—”

  “This is bullshit! I want some goddamn answers, man!” The arteries in Charlie’s neck bulged. Raising his voice made him feel like a real starship captain. Kirk and Picard could probably learn a thing or two.

  “How about you close your ape mouth for two seconds and let us explain?” Before he knew what was happening, Zylvya snatched his joint, took a quick puff, and returned it to his hand.

  Damn. She’s fast. That’s the last time I let her pull that shit. I’m her captain, she should show me a little goddamn respect.

  “Captain,” Swarm said as he towered over Charlie. “We didn’t attack you. We secured the Bridge—and your skull—from a dangerous aggressor.”

  “Aggressor? What the hell are you talking about? The slimy worm thingy?”

  “Uh, the technical term for the slimy worm thingy is a Synaptic Parasite.” Del tapped his screen and flicked a hand into the air. A long, skinny tubular hologram appeared above the crew’s head. “They’re fairly common in some of the, uh, economically-depressed parts of the galaxy. Have you spent time in the Transit Bay? Chances are you picked it up there.”

  “Synaptic? As in, brain synapses?” Charlie ran a hand through his afro. His ear itched. He jammed a finger inside and scratched. It itched worse. He scratched again, and this time when he pulled it out he felt a tiny gush of warm wetness. A crimson smudge dotted the tip of his finger.

  The warm fuzzy feeling had completely vanished now, giving him a chance to consider recent events. “Wait. My splitting headache…and the sudden relief I felt after you assholes shook the shit outta me…blood in my goddamn ear. Are you telling me that thing was INSIDE MY HEAD?”

  “That’s right! We yanked that sucker right outta your ear. You’re lucky we saw The Mark before the other Seeders, or things could’ve gotten out of control.” Axo rubbed his pudgy stomach and belched.

  “What Mark? Who’s Mark? What the hell are you talking
about, man?”

  Del flicked a screen and a red glow appeared around the writhing hologram.

  “The Mark is what happens to an organism on the Starseed if it becomes dangerously aggressive,” Swarm explained. “If an organism kills, mortally wounds, or inflicts serious violence against another organism, the ship projects a red aura around it—The Mark. That acts as a signal to the rest of the Seeders that the organism has broken our central rule.”

  “And more importantly, The Mark means the organism is welcome inside our bellies!” Axo said.

  “Squishy is correct. Once an organism has The Mark, it becomes edible. When you walked in, your head was glowing like a red dwarf in heat. We couldn’t help ourselves.” Swarm bent an antenna down in front of his face and started grooming it between his mandibles.

  “But wait—since you guys killed and ate that brain parasite thingy, wouldn’t you have The Mark, too?”

  “Uh, no, Captain,” Del snickered. “Killing and devouring an organism with The Mark is fair game. That’s actually the whole point. Duh.”

  A patch of daisies sprouted from the marble floor around Zylvya. She plucked one and tucked it behind her ear. “Think of it as the ship’s immune system against violence. It’s how the Starseed manages to keep 500 billion organisms—some of which are carnivorous—from slaughtering one another.”

  “Whoa. Okay, let me get this straight. Every once in a while some weird-ass alien eats some other weird-ass alien, and then—”

  “It becomes a meal for the rest of us, yo!” Axo held a webbed palm up to Swarm, who ignored it.

  “Captain, it’s really the only serious punishment one can experience on the Starseed,” Swarm rattled. “For obvious reasons, most Seeders learn to avoid it.”

  “Harsh, but I guess it makes sense. But hey—what about pure carnivores? I assume you guys are omnivores, but what about organisms that are only capable of eating meat?”

  “Darlin’, I take care of them in my own special way,” Mother’s voice appeared above the crew. “I have ways of helpin’ them suppress their predatory urges. Plus, I make sure they get a steady supply of perfectly-balanced, protein-rich meat substitutes.”