by Tom Sadira
Then again, after all his dumbassery, she’d probably welcome him back to the Starseed with a fist. More painful than her left hook was the realization that he’d totally deserve it.
Strange and terrifying sounds gathered just beyond the encroaching darkness and yanked his awareness back to reality. Just when it seemed that Helwyr had finally abandoned them for good, he leapt from the shadows and motioned for them to hurry.
“Up ahead, where the ground gives way to rock. We camp there tonight.” He stole the vrill wings from Charlie and Axolotl and shoved them at two of his men. “Fyz, Nipzi, you two prepare our dinner. Rhys, Shmek, get a fire going.”
Charlie rubbed the tension from his shoulder. “What about us, man? Should we get the marshmallows and graham crackers ready for s’mores?”
A low growl avalanched down the towering silhouette. “Unless you’d prefer to tempt the beasts of the night to gorge on your soft bellies, I suggest you and your men sit quietly and await the safety of the fire.”
Within minutes, Charlie and Axo were resting beside a fledgling campfire. Rhys and Shmek darted in and out of the darkness with armfuls of wood, depositing some into the growing flames and piling the rest nearby. On the opposite side of the fire, the other two Felonians, Fyz and Nipzi, hacked at the giant featherless wings.
A few feet behind his companions, Swarm lay coughing and moaning with fever.
“Go see what his problem is, Nip,” Fyz ordered.
Nipzi shook his head and pointed his knife at Charlie. “Shut him up, ape, or we’ll have roasted antennae for dessert.”
Not knowing the first thing about treating morphic insectoids, Charlie and Axo approached their wounded crewmate with nothing more than sympathetic looks. He writhed and twitched and cradled his torso with all four arms. After another lengthy coughing fit, he settled down and motioned for them to come closer.
“Don’t look so distraught, guys. I’m fine,” he whispered, flashing them a quick smile. “But hopefully I’ve done a good job convincing them otherwise, because tonight we slip away and head back to the pod. We might be able to salvage something useful.”
Axo’s big lips stretched into a smile. “Bugbrain! You’re a big, fat faker!”
Swarm hacked painfully, then grabbed a soggy dreadlock and pulled Axo closer. “Keep it down, Squishy! Just be ready for my signal.”
“Look, I’m as anxious as you are to get away from these blue turds,” Charlie whispered back, “but we’re unarmed and defenseless. There’s no way we’d make it back to the pod, man. Even if there was anything left of it—what then? We have no supplies, and no way to contact the Starseed.”
“We have everything we need.” Swarm brushed his antennae against Zylvya’s staff.
“Zee’s staff? It’s useless! She never told me how to use the damn thing. Our best chance of survival is playing it cool until Helwyr bags his dumb moose.”
“You saw what he did to Swarm, what he almost did to me at the pit,” Axo whispered. “I don’t think we can trust him to keep his word, yo.”
Barks and howls exploded from the darkness—from somewhere uncomfortably close—causing the trio to huddle closer together. There was a painful yelp followed by the faint crunching of bones. Then, as suddenly as it had vanished, the eerie silence of the night returned.
“As crazy as these cats turds are, they’re the only thing standing between us and the monsters out there. I hate to admit it, but we wouldn’t last a minute without them,” Charlie said.
Axo sighed deeply, fiddled with his goggles, then shook his head. “Sorry, Charlie, but I agree with Swarm. If we can get away from Helwyr and his goons, spend a few minutes figuring out how to use the staff, maybe we could contact Zee and Del, and then—”
“I’m the captain, okay? And I’m done gambling with your lives. My recklessness got us into this mess, so it’s my responsibility to get us out. I know it sounds crazy, but laying low and sticking with Helwyr is our best chance at getting back to the Starseed.”
Swarm rolled away and resumed his wounded act. Axolotl, pretending to shiver, turned back to the fire.
Dammit, Charlie! Real friggin' smooth. You’re on your way to earning the ‘Captain of the Year’ award.
How was it possible to screw things up so badly? His first mission as captain—a dangerous hunting trip that served nothing but his selfish desires for meat, for control, for power—was starting to look like it could be his last.
The crew had survived countless missions with Captain Major Tom—many of which, Charlie gleaned, were just as dangerous as this one. But he’d always kept them safe. He’d always returned them to their families and friends aboard the Starseed.
They’d been right about Nadia, about Vos Praeda, about the Felonians. Maybe they were right about escaping. Maybe he should shut the fuck up and listen to their expertise.
Still, his gut warned him that if they ventured alone into the dark Vos Praedean forest, they’d be volunteering as some monster’s midnight snack.
Then again, he knew his gut had shit for brains.
Charlie tossed a twig into the fire and racked his brain for the safest path back to the Starseed. If only he could dissolve the tension in the group, mend the rift between them, they might be able to work together to find a happy ending.
As he bent over to pick up another stick, he felt a muffled rattle in his pants.
No wonder he was finding it so impossible to make up his mind! He was entirely too sober to be making critical leadership decisions.
His spirits lifted as he slipped the case from his pocket, carefully chose a blunt, and popped it into his mouth.
“Get ready for some mad munchies, boys!” Charlie announced as he puffed life into its ember.
He inhaled deeply, filling his lungs to the brim with sweet cannabis smoke. Within seconds, his magnum dopus had cast its spell on his exhausted mind.
Charlie held it out to his crew. “Here guys, better have some. Might be the only chance we’ll have at keeping our dinner down.”
A deep growl sounded from the edge of the firelight, followed by a blur of teeth and fur. A large canipede—twice the size of the one they’d seen near the transit pod—sprang at them. Panicked, Charlie and Axolotl darted toward one another, collided head first, and collapsed in a tangle of turquoise and brown limbs. Swarm flew to his feet and whirled himself into a defensive posture.
The canipede’s lips were curled back in mid-snarl, its dagger-like teeth exposed and ready to bite. Yet once it landed, it didn’t strike. Instead, the monster lay motionless, twisted in an unnatural position.
Cautiously, Charlie poked the thing with his staff. He let out a high-pitched squeal as the beast poofed into green vapor and swirled up into the stars.
A shadow sniggered from the spot where the beast had pounced. Shmek, tail wagging happily, strutted into the clearing.
“Better watch out, or the big, bad canipede’s gonna get you!”
“Oh, fuck off, fleabag!” Charlie shouted as he helped Axo to his feet.
The short Felonian stopped laughing. He hissed and let his ears fall back against his head.
“Shouldn’t have said that, ape.” Shmek flicked a single claw from its sheath and aimed it at the stoner. “It’s gonna cost you your tongue.”
One by one, claws extended from his fingertips. He slunk toward his prey.
Man, what I wouldn’t give for a laser pointer or a toy mouse right about now.
Charlie backed up into the waist-high pile of firewood. Fyz and Nipzi flanked him, blocking any chance at escape. A bloodthirsty smile crept across Shmek’s face.
“Wait! Let’s be reasonable!” Charlie cried and tossed the smoldering blunt to Axo. “Do what you want to me, but leave the blunt alone, man!”
Shmek pulled back his claw to strike. Out of options—and jokes—Charlie closed his eyes and braced himself for the attack.
When the pain didn’t come, he cracked open an eye. A few inches from his face hung Shmek’
s outstretched claw, struggling against something that held it back. Another furry hand, larger with a bit of white around the edges, was grasping him firmly at the elbow.
“You fool! He’s not to be harmed!” Helwyr slammed his companion onto the rocky ground. “If you so much look at the captain again, I’ll tear your eyes out and leave you for the vrill to fight over.” He kicked Shmek hard in the rear, then turned to the others. “When I get back, I want those wings cooking on the fire. Tonight, we eat. We rest. We prepare. Tomorrow, the real hunt begins.” With a growl and a whip of his tail, he slipped back into the darkness.
Keeping his eyes on the ground and his long blue tail tucked between his legs, Shmek helped hoist the vrill meat onto the spit.
“Damn, yo! Another close call.” Axo put a wet hand on Charlie’s shoulder. “Still wanna stick to your plan?”
Charlie didn’t answer. He was too busy letting his sphincter unclench.
Axo took a puff from the blunt and returned it to Charlie’s trembling hand. After filling his lungs, he passed it to Swarm, who sighed, took a huge hit, and plopped down beside his crewmates. Charlie gazed into the nickel-sized ember and felt a wave of warm stoniness wash over him.
As dumb as it sounded, he decided it would be wrong to keep his Golden Ticket from anyone—even undeserving, mutinous, psychotic cat turds like the Felonians. Risking another brawl, he walked the blunt around the campfire.
Charlie could tell by the way Rhys’s eyes lit up that he was no stranger to getting high. The tall, slender Felonian nodded and took the blunt. For a split second, Charlie thought he noticed a hint of sympathy in the Felonian’s eyes. Before returning to his spot between Axolotl and Swarm, he motioned for the blunt to be passed through the whole group. Fyz and Nipzi jabbed furry elbows at each other to be the next in line.
Once the blunt had completed a second orbit around the fire, seven sets of bloodshot eyes gazed lovingly at the flesh that crackled and crisped on the spit. Tiny black droplets bubbled and popped across the shriveled gray skin. The smell was noxious beyond words.
Yet, having hiked all day on an empty stomach—combined with the mad munchies he was experiencing—Charlie was prepared to eat anything that came within a foot of his face.
Shmek rotated the wings a few times, taking care to not look in Charlie’s direction. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, he plunged one end of the wooden spit into the ashes. He drew his knife, cut a chunk of flesh from the wing, and popped it into his mouth. Satisfied, he began cutting and flinging slices at his fellow Felonians.
After they’d collected a stack of simmering gray meat, Shmek sheathed his knife and sat down to eat.
“Cut the Captain and his crew some meat, you childish cur!” Rhys growled.
Shmek stood and flared his nostrils. “I’m tired of everyone’s bullshit. I’ll take an inch from the tail of the next person to insult me!”
“Hi, quick question,” Charlie raised his hand. “Swarm and I don’t have tails, so does that rule not apply to us?
“I’ll find something else to take an inch off.”
Charlie looked Swarm up and down. “His antennae? Damn! Okay, fine, but I don’t have those, man. And the only way you’ll get my ‘fro is if you pry it from my cold, dead hands.”
Shmek’s eyes flickered to Charlie’s crotch.
Charlie bobbed his head, his eyelids hanging heavy over bloodshot orbs. He held his staff with both hands and pointed it away from his hips like a prosthetic penis. “No worries—I got some to spare. Been thinking about getting a few inches taken off anyway.”
Six pairs of eyes rolled so hard in their skulls that it sounded like someone bowling a strike. Charlie grinned smugly, plopped onto his ass, and flung his jacket hood over his head.
Rhys tossed his chunk of meat aside and got to his feet. “Cut the captain of the Starseed and his crew some vrill meat.” He took a step forward.
“You don’t outrank me, mongrel.” Shmek stepped toward the taller Felonian and poked a claw into his fur. “Our ranks haven’t mattered in years. This trip doesn’t change what our lives have become.”
“We swore an oath to him, brother. He needs us.”
“We swore oaths to our wives, too! And to the cubs in their bellies!” Shmek pounded a fist into Rhys’s chest. “They need us, too! Or have you forgotten them already?”
“You dare suggest…” His blade was at Shmek’s throat.
“Is this for him, too, brother?” Shmek pressed his throat into the knife’s edge. “The Starseed gave us a future. Would you throw that away?”
“Sit down,” a voice growled as two large hands wedged between the Felonians and shoved them apart. “Rhys, you cut the meat. Give them as much as they want.”
Helwyr plopped down between them and ran both paws over his face.
“Boss, first let me cut you some,” Rhys said.
“No, let them eat. But I wouldn’t mind doing some of that marijuana. What do you call such an oversized cigarette?”
“Where I come from, we call ‘em blunts.” Charlie handed it to Axo, and it made its way to Helwyr.
“He’s near. And tomorrow, he’s mine. After all this time, he’s mine.”
“Wow. Sounds really exciting, man. Your dream’s coming true, and all that,” Charlie said, gnawing on a strip of charred vrill. “I, for one, am so glad to have been kidnapped and starved and nearly killed so you can sort out your mid-life crisis.”
“You judge me for what I’ve done to accomplish my goal, yet you deceive your crew and risk their lives to accomplish your own.” A smirk lifted his whiskers. “There must be something very special waiting for you back in Lavaka.”
Charlie tensed as Swarm and Axo shot him a look.
“Whatever, man. Let’s just get your stupid moose so we can all go home, okay?”
“Captain Hong, you’ve shown an ability, for good or bad, to resist fear. Even at times like this, when it’s clear the odds are not in your favor, you insult me. Courage, even the foolish kind, is an important quality in a captain. But unless you place your crew’s well-being above your own, you’ll only lead them astray.”
“Did you not just hear the conversation between those two right before you broke them up? I thought you cat dudes were supposed to have excellent hearing or something.”
Helwyr took another hit. He looked relaxed, even tired, as he sat gazing into the fire.
“I suppose you deserve an explanation about why I’ve done what I’ve done. As you may have guessed, during my first trip to Vos Praeda I lost something very dear to me. Something worth risking my life—and maybe a little of my honor—for.”
“Your eye?” Charlie blurted out. Everyone sitting around the fire stared at him in disbelief. “What? I mean, it’s pretty obvious he’s referring to his eye, right?”
“On my first trip to Vos Praeda, I was no taller than Shmek here, and twice as blue. Being heir to the Kini dynasty, I had the honor of becoming apprentice to one of Felonia’s most renowned hunters, Mohai. We spent thirty days and thirty nights tracking and hunting many of the local beasts: canipedes, bashers, vrills, western ogriths. These quickly became my playthings. I needed a challenge. I needed to return to Felonia with a prize worthy of my family’s status. I needed to bring home the head of a—”
“Chocolate moose?” Charlie interrupted.
“Would you like to tell the story, Captain?” Helwyr snarled. “You seem to know how it goes. Why don’t you finish it for me? Go on.”
“Uh, sorry, man. I won’t interrupt again.”
Helwyr fingered the blunt. “Yes, the chocolate moose of Vos Praeda is one of the rarest meals in the known galaxy. They’re so rare that some claim they only exist in legend. Others claim they were hunted out of existence centuries ago. But, Mohai knew where to find one and agreed to lead me there. This is the same spot we camped in all those years ago. The next day, I caught a glimpse of it on a high cliff.”
“An adult male. But, very unusual. In addition
to the two large, cupped antlers on either side of its head, it had a single long horn sticking out from the very center of his forehead. It was a trihorn! A truly majestic beast, right out in the open, just asking to be caught. I had to bag it.”
“But we found signs of another predator—maybe the most dangerous in all of Vos Praeda—the sabertooth slug.”
Charlie choked on some gristle and began coughing wildly. Helwyr sighed, rested his chin on his fist, and waited for the stoner to compose himself.
“You okay?” Helwyr raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I’m fine, man. Thanks.”
“Do you need a drink of water?”
“No, I’m fine. Just had something stuck in my throat.”
Helwyr turned his attention back to the group and opened his mouth to continue.
“It’s just that…” Charlie chuckled. “Ah, nevermind.”
“What is it?” Helwyr snapped a stick and flung the pieces in the fire.
“It’s just…a slug? The most dangerous beast on Vos Praeda is a slug?”
“Yes,” Helwyr growled. “A ten-foot-tall, gelatinous monster with sword-like teeth. They’re silent, smart, and indestructible.”
“Indestructible?”
“They’re gelatinous. Stab them, cut them, shoot them—they just keep coming. Trying to outrun them is futile. Mohai knew this. In his wisdom, he thought the moose was not worth the risk, so he ordered us to turn back. But I was obsessed. I broke my oath of obedience. I fled in the night, on my own, in pursuit of the moose.”
Axo’s eyes bulged against the inside of his goggles. “And the slug attacked?”
“Fuck yeah, man! Look at him!” Charlie pointed. “The slug took his goddamn eye!”
“And now, after all these years, Helwyr’s come to take it back. With interest, yo!”
“Now he’s doing it, too?” Helwyr buried his face in his paws. “You guys are the worst. Seriously, I should just kill you both right now. With my bare hands.”
“Dude! I’ll stop. I promise.” Charlie mimed zipping his lips and locking them up. He threw the imaginary key into the fire.