Cold Heart

by Sheila Dryden

  Kara arrived about four and Lexi went outside to the porch when she heard the car drive in. Her friend got out of the car and walked slowly toward the porch. Lexi could see that she was worried about the reception she would get. Lexi was always surprised at how incredibly pretty Kara was. Her dark hair was super long and thick, nearly reaching her waist and she often wore it in a loose pony tail just as she was today. She was slim, almost too slim even though she ate like a horse. Lexi had always been envious of that.

  “Hi Lex,” Kara said as she began to tear up.

  “Hi,” Lexi said as she spread her arms for her friend to come and hug her.

  Lexi’s eyes brimmed with tears also and the two girls hugged.

  “I’m so sorry,” Kara said. “I really messed up.”

  “Yes, you did but I forgive you,” Lexi said. “Come inside and let me show you around.”

  “This is Tucker, my dog,” Lexi said. “I know, I know! What on earth am I doing with a dog?”

  “Who are you and where is my friend Lexi?” Kara said laughing. “And why does he have a bandage on his shoulder?”

  “It’s a long story and I will tell you over dinner,” Lexi said. “First I’ll give you the twenty-five cent tour.

  Lexi proceeded to show her all the spaces in the Lodge. When they were done they got some wine and sat in the great room. Lexi filled Kara in on all the drama that had been happening since she had arrived here and told her all about Carter. Kara was pleased for Lexi. Kara had someone special in her life also and shared that with Lexi. The two were laughing and enjoying each other just like old times

  When they finally went to bed at midnight it was like nothing bad had happened. Lexi was glad to have her best friend back. In the morning after breakfast Kara was on her way and Lexi called Carter.

  “Hey,” she said.

  “Good morning,” Carter said. “How did last night go?”

  “It went well,” she said. “I think we’re going to be fine.”

  “Good, I’m glad to hear it,” Carter said. “Did you get a chance to read those letters?”

  “Not yet, just going to right now and then I might see about a cup of tea with Grace. She said she wanted to talk to me,” Lexi said.

  “What are you up to today?” Lexi asked.

  “Just some chores around here,” he said. “You’re coming over for dinner right?”

  “That would be great, so I’ll see you later,” she said.

  “Great,” Carter said.

  Lexi hung up and dialed Grace. Grace was delighted to hear from her and they agreed that Grace would come to Wildwood for tea at about two that afternoon. Now with nothing to distract her Lexi went into the office and got the bundle of letters she had put on the desk yesterday and took them into the great room and sat down. It looked like they were in chronological order and Lexi started at the bottom and opened that one first. It was dated June of the year her mother had left with Ralph some thirty-two years ago.

  Dear Max

  I’m sorry. I know I’ve treated you badly. Thank you for not telling Ralph about us .If he’d known, we wouldn’t be together now. I always had a thing for him but he never noticed me before and when he did, I just couldn’t help myself all those feelings just came flooding back. I know that doesn’t justify what I did to you but this is the rest of my life and I have to do what’s best for me. I know we talked about building a lodge together and with your parents gone now you can go ahead with it. I hope it is very successful.

  There will be someone else in your life I’m sure, maybe Gracie. She always cared for you and was so jealous we were together. I know it will be hard when we see each other but please keep my secret for your brother’s sake, as much as mine. He loves you very much.

  Ann

  Well there you have it thought Lexi. She had betrayed Max, the man she supposedly loved and left him high and dry to run off. Lexi quickly moved to the next letter. It was dated a few days after their last visit here almost twenty years ago.

  Dear Max,

  Where do I start? I never wanted you to find out that way. Well in truth, I didn’t want you to find out at all. It didn’t seem fair to Ralph or Lexi. He loves her and thought she was his all this time and to find out she was ours, has been a terrible blow to him. He’s angry that you didn’t tell him you were in love with me and well he just blames me. Things are never going to be the same I know. Lexi senses that something is wrong but she is too young to understand.

  Ralph says we aren’t coming next summer, he says we are never coming again and I can only hope that he will change his mind. I have to keep trying for Lexi’s sake. Here is the picture I took this year of you and Lexi together. She is so like you, not just the dimples and the hair color but her personality too.

  Forgive me,

  Ann

  So her mother had admitted everything. Lexi had been right and the fight had been because the truth had come out that night and Lexi’s words had been the catalyst. So much unhappiness had followed. But no, she wasn’t going to take responsibility for that. Surely her mother had realized that it was a secret that couldn’t be kept forever. It was bound to come out. Everyone here knew about her mother and Max; someone was bound to say something. Lexi decided she would read one more letter and then she would put them away. This one was dated about fifteen years ago.

  Dear Max

  I’m sorry if I mislead you in some way with my last letter. Please don’t write again. I don’t want to have any more secrets from Ralph. You sounded so excited with your plans for Wildwood. That is good. But I have no intention of leaving Ralph. I have to make the best of this for Lexi. I can’t leave Ralph and come back to you. I don’t understand why you started building Wildwood for me. It was never my dream, it was yours. I was just young and naive and was trying to encourage you to follow your dreams. My life is here. Lexi’s life is here. We aren’t leaving Ralph and coming to you. She is not going to know you are her father. Please you’ll only hurt her, if you tell her.

  I will keep sending you pictures and I will keep you up to date with what is happening with her but you need to move on with your life. You’ve wasted too many years already. Continue with the construction at Wildwood if it is what you want and find someone who can share it with you. That someone isn’t me Max, I’m sorry.

  Ann

  Well that really said it all she thought. Lexi put the letter down. Max had started getting Wildwood ready to go so that she and her mother would come and live with him. He wanted to pick up where they had left off when her mother had run off. Lexi supposed when she had said no it had finished it for him. He must have continued for awhile and then given up. She’d read enough for now. She had the confirmation of what she had been thinking and that was what she needed. Max had been her father and his dying words had been instructing Carter to tell her that. Why hadn’t he told her himself when he had come to the funeral?

  She was pretty sure she knew the answer to that. He didn’t want to tarnish Lexi’s memory of her dead parents. She was grieving and he wasn’t going to add to her grief. Maybe, just maybe, if she had made that visit to him like she’d intended he would have told her then. She would never know. She would have to live with that.

  Lexi decided she would bake something for tea so she went into the kitchen and threw some scones together. She had some homemade strawberry jam that someone had brought to Carter’s mother’s memorial and she thought that might be just the right thing to serve with the scones. They were ready in no time and still warm when Grace arrived and Lexi made tea.

  When the two women finally sat down after Lexi had given yet another tour of Wildwood, Lexi was the first to speak.

  “There were letters in the safety deposit box,” Lexi said, “From my mother to Max.”

  “Yes I thought there might be,” she said.

  “You knew what they would say, didn’t you?” Lexi said.

  “Yes,” Grace said.

  “Why didn’t you just tell me?” Le
xi asked.

  “Because it wasn’t my place to tell you that,” Grace said. “I would only have been guessing a pretty good guess but you needed to hear it from your mother and through the letters you did, didn’t you?”

  “Yes I did. I am really disappointed in her right now,” Lexi said.

  “I can imagine you would be,” Grace said.

  “And you must have hated her,” Lexi said.

  “Well hate is a strong word,” Grace said. “It wasn’t really her fault that Max loved her and not me.”

  “But still,” Lexi said, “All this time to have loved someone who didn’t love you back.”

  “I wasted a lot of years and then I made a really bad choice and married someone I could never love,” she said. “Now I am free of him and free to do whatever pleases me.”

  “That is a good thing. What do you think you will do?” Lexi asked.

  “I think I will do some travelling,” Grace said. “I have a friend who is also single and perhaps she and I will take a cruise or something.”

  “Well that sounds like it would be fun,” Lexi said.

  “It does, doesn’t it?” Grace said. “But I would like to be here for your grand opening.”

  “I’d like that, too,” Lexi said.

  The two women chatted for another hour or so and then Grace left with the promise that they would get together again soon. Lexi wanted to hear more about Max when he was younger and Grace said she would love to tell her about him through the years.

  37

  Once Grace had left and Lexi had cleared away all the dishes she decided she would walk to Carter’s and take Tucker with her. It was only a short distance if they took the short cut and she was pretty sure Tucker could help her find it from this side. When she’d taken him to the Vet yesterday for his follow-up the Vet said Tucker was ready for some exercise. She freshened up and then grabbed a leash and put his collar on. She locked up and they headed in the direction of Carter’s. Sure enough Tucker went right to the start of the pathway. It was a little overgrown and she had to squeeze through but then it opened up and she was able to follow it easily.

  It was a beautiful fall day. The air was only a little cooler but it smelled fresh. The trees were beginning to change colour and there was a mix of reds and oranges and yellows. The trail was pretty easy to follow and she could see several of Carter’s horses grazing in the pasture. They had only been walking about ten minutes when she could see the paddocks by the stables and soon the front parking area came into view in the distance.

  There was a car parked there that she didn’t recognize and she wondered who it might be and then Carter came out of the house with a woman beside him. Lexi stopped and she pulled on the leash to stop Tucker. She just stood watching them. They were having an animated conversation; well certainly the woman was very animated. She touched Carter several times while they were walking. When they got near to the car the woman turned to face Carter. They embraced and then she kissed him full on the lips, for longer than Lexi would have expected someone who was just a friend, to have done. The woman got in the car and drove away. Carter stood there watching for several minutes.

  Lexi felt like she’d been punched in the stomach. Even at this distance there’d been an unmistakable intimacy between them. She felt angry and betrayed. She turned around and headed back to Wildwood as fast as she thought she could without straining Tucker’s shoulder. Who was that woman? What was she doing there? Why was he kissing her?

  By the time Lexi reached Wildwood, angry tears burned her hot cheeks. She took Tucker inside and fed him, poured a glass of wine and carried the bottle with her to the great room. Then Lexi plopped down on one of the sofas by the fireplace. How could you have been so stupid? He is seeing other people. Here you are falling head over heels and he’s just having a good time.

  She looked around this big room and imagined all the people and events that she had planned to have here in the future. It had been her real father’s dream and it had become her dream but now, all of a sudden, it didn’t seem to matter anymore. She had let herself fall in love with Carter and he clearly didn’t feel the same way about her. He had acted like he did but he couldn’t love her and then be with that woman the way he was. Once again, yet another person in her life had betrayed her. Lexi filled her wine glass again.

  What was it about her that evoked such behaviour? She didn’t understand. She gave love so easily and willingly, but sooner or later whoever she loved ended up hurting her. She felt humiliated and stupid. Lexi wasn’t sure how long she had been sitting there but the bottle was almost empty. The phone had rung a couple of times, first her cell, then the land line but she hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone.

  It wasn’t until she heard the rap-rap-rap of the knocker on the front door, that it occurred to her it had probably been Carter phoning her because she was ... hmm ... she was an hour late going over there. Well too bad. She was pissed at him and well, she chuckled, she was pissed. Finally the knocking stopped. Good, he had gone away, good riddance.

  “Lexi,” it was Carter’s voice. He’d let himself in. “Lexi are you all right? Where are ... Lexi, what’s wrong?”

  He was standing in front of her then he was kneeling down. He looked so worried.

  “Lexi, what was in the letters?” Carter asked.

  Lexi still didn’t answer. Instead she took another sip of wine. Carter looked at the bottle and she saw a look of understanding cross his face.

  “Oh dear, what did it say in the letters Lexi? Was it something really bad? Talk to me baby,” he said.

  Okay, that was just too much.

  “Baby,” she said. “Baby! I am not your baby.”

  “Lexi, for heaven’s sake what is wrong with you?” Carter said.

  “Wrong with me, wrong with ... me,” She said. “What is wrong with you? You, you ... cheater.”

  “What are you talking about? He asked.

  “I saw you with that woman,” she said. “You told me to truss you and I saw you with her and I don truss you anymore,” she said.

  “Do you mean Carolyn?” Carter asked, finally understanding what this was about. “How did you see me with Carolyn?”

  “Tucker and I were walking over using the trail and I saw you kissing her,” she spoke more slowly realizing she had slurred her words before.

  “Well, technically she kissed me but I don’t understand why you are so upset about this.”

  “You said trust me Lexi, let’s be honest Lexi and then you go kissing this Carolyn, whoever she is,” Lexi said.

  “Okay, Lexi,” he said with a tone of impatience to his voice. “Let me tell you again who Carolyn is and why she was here.”

  Something in his tone had Lexi sobering up just a little.

  “Carolyn is my ex-wife. She drove up from LA today because she wanted to tell me in person how sorry she was to hear about my mother dying and how sorry she was that she had been such a ‘her words’ consummate bitch to me over my wanting to care for my dying parents. Her father is ill and has about six months to live and now suddenly she understands how I was feeling. We talked and then she left. She said have a nice life and kissed me goodbye. Finito ... end of story.”

  Lexi found herself at a loss for words. She put her wine glass down on the table.

  “I see ...” she said.

  Then she was quiet for a moment. Carter just waited.

  “I may have jumped to conclusions and I probably over reacted because apparently I am in love with you and it seemed like you and I weren’t on the same wavelength after all and I was upset and ... well ... I am really, really sorry. Also worth mentioning, just in my defense, you didn’t mention that your ex-wife had like movie star good looks which might have in some way contributed to my jealousy about the whole kissing thing,” the words came tumbling out and when she was done she folded her arms defensively across her chest.

  Carter took her hands and pulled her arms apart and then pulled her into his arms and kissed h
er. When he finally stopped kissing her he said,

  “You love me? Really?”

  “Yes, really Carter, I love you and when I thought that maybe you loved somebody else, none of this mattered anymore,” she said and waved her arms around to indicate the Lodge.

  “Well, let’s go over to my place where dinner is waiting because I think we need to get some food in you to absorb that wine so that later you won’t be feeling really shitty.

  “Yes, I suppose we could do that,” she said.

  Carter pulled her up and called to Tucker. He helped Lexi to the car as she was more than a little unsteady on her feet. By the time they got to his place it was apparent she would not be eating dinner tonight.

  38

  Lexi slowly opened her eyes. It was dark. She was in bed, in the master bedroom at Carter’s. She fumbled to turn on the bedside lamp and then regretted it as the light caused a stabbing pain to begin pulsating behind her eyes. She had a headache, a really, really bad headache. Lexi tried to sit up but a wave of nausea hit her hard and fast. She lay back against the pillows but quickly realized she would have to force herself to get up or risk being sick in this beautiful bed, this beautiful, totally white bed. That was all the motivation she needed. She flung back the covers and staggered to the bathroom. She groped to find the light switch and turned it on then, she dropped to her knees in front of the toilet, while flinging up the seat without a moment to spare. Thank goodness she had not thrown up in the bed. She was now staring at part of the entire bottle of red wine she had consumed on an empty stomach, last night.

  Last night. Lexi groaned inwardly. Memories of last night began to work their way into her consciousness. She was hit by a wave of humiliation that was much worse than the earlier nausea. She had totally over reacted to Carter’s ex-wife kissing him. She’d been drunk and she had told him she loved him. Lexi was pretty sure he had understood, after all he had brought her here and put her to bed. She had absolutely no memory of him undressing her and putting this white shirt on her. The white shirt that now had vomit dribbled all down the front of it.