by Nikki Bloom
“That was really nice of him.” She looked alarmed, and my cheek twitched at the notion that she expected me to explode. Guilt crawled up my throat, and I clapped my hands together as I nodded firmly. “This is good. I know we’ve been fighting a lot lately, Sophia, but I’m not mad at you ever. I’m just stressed out. It’s wrong to take that out on you.”
“Oh...okay. Can I have your keys?” Her smile widened, and I wandered over to the kitchen table to hand her my car keys before she whipped around and ran off. A cold sweat broke out on my back, and I leaned against the side of the table to bluster a huge sigh.
“Why are you making a roast?” Michael wandered into the kitchen, nose in the air, and he scrunched up his face in a mix of curiosity and distaste. “You didn’t put that stuff on it like last time, did you?”
“No, I didn’t. We all hated it.” Chuckling a little strained sound, I arched a brow at my little brother and tried to stop my stomach from roiling. “How was camp?”
“It was fine. Annoying. Why do people sign up for it when they don’t like computers?” I only shook my head, and Michael plopped down in a chair to huff and puff at his own question. “It’s a computer camp, so I don’t get why this one kid was so mad that there wasn’t much outdoor stuff to do. There’s a lake and stuff, but he complained so much and had an epic meltdown by Wednesday that he had to get picked up by his mom and leave.”
“There’s always a kid or two that doesn’t want to be there, and their parents sign them up anyway. You’d think, for the price, they’d make sure their kids want to be there since you pay upfront and it’s nonrefundable.” Grumbling more to myself, I shook my head as Michael nodded with an off-putting grunt, and I ran my hands through my hair absently. “Anyway, you behaved yourself and had a good time? That’s all that matters.”
“Yeah. I grouped up with this kid in a wheelchair, and he’s amazing. And then, yesterday, we were talking about this game, and he only lives, like, half an hour away.” Excitement heightened his voice, and I held my breath as expectation heated my blood. “He’s really cool, and he’s farther in the RP than I am. I—”
“Madeline.” Twisting as Carter cast Michael an apologetic look, I pursed my lips when he tossed me my car keys. “Sorry, bud. Can we have a minute? Evan’s lookin’ for you outside.”
Suddenly, just Carter and I were left in the kitchen. Discomfort wormed between my shoulder blades, and I crossed my arms tightly over my chest. Carter didn’t speak, simply watched me expectantly, and my heart beat harder as I took a shallow, hot breath.
“I’m pregnant.” My mouth dried at my own murmur, and Carter dropped heavily into the chair Michael had abandoned. I couldn’t bear to look at him, but I saw his face freeze in shock out of the very corner of my eye. The silence was suffocating, and I gulped down the dense lump in my throat. Blinking hard, my eyes stung worse the longer the heavy quiet stretched.
“Oh.” His voice was hollow and echoed in the empty, stark kitchen. I winced noticeably, tightening my arms around myself as Carter’s gusting sigh blanketed my body in goosebumps. “Crap. Uh-h... what... how— how do you... what do you wanna do?”
“I think I should get an abortion.” My stomach roiled, and bile sloshed up my throat at my own suggestion. Covering my mouth with the back of my hand, I almost gagged at the awful taste on my tongue. Carter’s head bopped up, but he rubbed his face and up into his hair to curl a tight fist.
“...I think you shouldn’t let your mother make that decision for you, Madeline.” Oof. I sucked in a sharp breath, and Carter reached to grab my arm and pull me into his lap. Even if I had the ability to resist, I wouldn’t have, and my knees cracked harshly when he sat me on his lap. Burying his face in my neck, he wrapped his arms around me to squeeze gingerly. “If you’re going to make a decision, it should be yours. I’m not gonna tell you what to do, but I hope you take what I want into consideration.”
“That’s why I’m telling you. Exactly this reason. I don’t know what I want versus what I’m afraid of because of my mom. I want to talk to Michael and Sophia, too, but... obviously, I had to talk to you first.” Carter rubbed my arms gingerly before I dropped my head into my hands. “I can’t believe this is happening. What’s the point of birth control if it’s gonna fail?”
“I dunno. It does explain why you’re so...argumentative...though.” Frowning at Carter’s carefully chosen words, I pushed my palms into my eye sockets until I saw colors. “Were you going to talk about it at dinner?”
“I made a lot, yeah. It’s always easier when food is involved. What... what do you want, Carter?” Twisting to catch his dark, heavy-hooded eyes, I licked my lips heavily as nerves tightened my throat. “I’m not going to make a decision right now... I have time. Not a lot, but...enough.”
“Truthfully, I would like to keep it. I think...what we do is really going to be influenced by Michael and Sophia. I know you don’t want them to feel like you’re abandoning them like your parents did.” Relief slumped my shoulders when Carter put my frazzled mind into words, and he craned his neck to kiss my cheek lightly. “Besides, I have some stuff to talk to you about, too. I don’t think alluding they’re involved in making a decision to abort is a good idea, but...”
“Yeah.” I inhaled a rattling breath, and Carter squeezed my shoulders before I stood up. Exhaling heavily, I cleared my throat roughly, and shook out my hair before tying it up in a bun high on my head. My mind was blank, but I had a direction to go in as the smells from the kitchen brought me back to the stove.
I went all out when I got to the store and realized my period was late. Innocently enough, I’d grabbed some tampons and didn’t even think about it until I saw the date on my phone. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew the test would be positive; things were stressful right now, but I was not one to take it out on my siblings the way I was.
“Madds! I brought your keys back!” Leaning on the counter, I ducked my head and closed my eyes as I tried to gather myself. Memories of when my mom announced she was pregnant flashed behind my lids when I blinked. She’d waited so long that abortion wasn’t an option, but Sophia and Michael were old enough now to understand the concept.
I would get rid of this baby if I felt it would harm them, particularly, but also myself and my relationship with Carter. It’d been...what? Two months? And the sensation of this summer fling type deal was still very strong. Plus, his whole life was traveling, and I wasn’t going to take that away from him.
So many factors to consider, and none of them were small pills to swallow.
“Okay. I can do this.” Telling Carter was easy enough, and the dread gnawing at my gut eased as I pulled open the oven. All the sides were already done; I was just waiting for the thermometer to pop. Repeating my mantra over and over again as I pulled this massive slab of beef out of the oven, I cleared my throat roughly. I can do this. I got this. I can do this.
23
Carter
“So-o... is anyone gonna break this awkward silence?” Evan sat up a little straighter, and I sighed through my nose as I rubbed Madeline’s thigh under the table. “I’ll go first, I guess. The owners of the House on the Pier agreed to my terms today. We’re going to buy them out for cheap on the stipulation they get free hotel accommodations for the rest of their lives.”
Madeline’s head whipped up so fast I worried for a split second she’d break her neck, and she growled deep in her throat. Tensing under my hand, her knee instantly started bouncing like crazy, but Evan was quick to diffuse the situation as he stared her dead in the face.
“It was something we were looking into long before you got together with Carter, Madeline. I have never had any intentions of taking over your life.” Sometimes, Evan knew how to handle Madeline better than I did. Her knee stopped trying to bust through the table but still bounced hard, and Evan nodded slightly in satisfaction. A cold sweat broke out on my body, but the discomfort of this dinner started to ebb away. “We always knew we were going to have t
o outsource catering because of how this town is. When we first approached the owners, it was with a partnership in mind. They’re old, and they want to travel, and they’ve had this restaurant tying them down all their lives. It’s a great deal for everyone involved. We’re going to get lawyers together later this year to make everything official. It’s not going to happen next week or anything.”
“Oh, okay. Are you bringing in anyone new?” A thin thread of grumpiness lowered Madeline’s voice, and Evan shook his head across the vast expanse of the table. “Same old, same old then?”
“Same old, same old. The only thing that’ll be different is there’ll end up being a condensed menu at some point that’ll service the hotel. I’ve had many meetings with Ben. He’s a bit of an ass, but he’s a good manager and keeps the place up fantastically well.” Madeline nodded curtly, and I smiled at how sour it was that Ben was worth it. She was really starting to hate him. Ever since he’d tried to trap her in the booth—which was fucked up in its own way—she just had zero tolerance for him at all. He, at least, supposedly had the decency to avoid her and completely stopped his nit-picking.
“I have something to say, too.” Madeline grabbed my hand under the table, and my chest tightened at how clammy and cold her palm was. She took a large, stabilizing breath, turned to her siblings sitting to her left, and gazed at both of as the heaviness in the air became suffocating. “I’m pregnant.”
Sophia dropped her fork with a horrible clatter, and Michael just kinda froze with half an asparagus spear hanging from his mouth. The silence rang, and with each second that ticked by, Madeline’s grip on my fingers got tighter and tighter.
“But the whole reason we’re in this mess is because of a baby.” Michael blurted out what might’ve been the first thing to pop into his head, and I winced noticeably. His eyes flickered to me, widening until his green irises were nearly invisible when he realized what he’d said. Beside me, Madeline kept still, staring at them, and I cast a worried look at my best friend.
“I’m not Mom, and I know it’s scary, but I didn’t want this to happen. It just...happened. I wished it hadn’t, but I thought it was important that we talk about this and what it may mean.” Madeline’s voice was soft but empty, and Michael’s face started turning a dark, ashamed red. My heart ached for him because these kids knew how hard Madeline worked for them, and he’d just said something extremely hurtful.
But, as someone on the outside, I knew that Michael was not wrong in worrying. He didn’t want to be thrown away again. That fear of being abandoned was probably never going to go away. Not that I really know much about it.
“Will it have to sleep on the couch with you?” Sophia’s lower lip wobbled, and she slammed her fist on the table to make her setting jump with a shrill rattle. “You’re not gonna give it my room! I don’t wanna share a room with Michael! His games are too loud!”
“What? No, Sophia, Madeline and I are going to talk more, but you’re not going to have to share a room with Michael.” Speaking up quickly, I tried to salvage the situation as huge tears started streaming down Sophia’s face. Madeline’s death grip on my hand eased a little, and I tangled our fingers together firmly. “You’ve done nothing wrong, and this is no one’s fault, but Madeline wanted to tell you because she knows you may not be okay with it.”
“What if you leave us just like Mom did?” Michael’s lilting whisper hurt my ears, and he jumped up so hard his chair fell back. Running out through the living room and into the backyard, he left a deathly silence in his wake until Evan got up to slink out after him. Turning to Sophia, I couldn’t help but frown sympathetically as she stared at the edge of the table in tears.
Why did I support this again? Madeline and I should’ve made the decision by ourselves. Michael and Sophia might’ve been a little mature for their age, but they were just kids. The aftermath of being abandoned was very much fresh for them. True, Madeline’s pregnancy would be hard on them, but I regretted agreeing to tell them before we’d had a talk of our own.
I mean... pregnant. Madeline’s birth control had failed, and this was an accident. I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that she was pregnant. Whether she stayed that way was up for debate, but in this moment, right at this table, there was a baby inside her that was mine.
And that—was—awesome! This strange mix of elation and horror swirled in my chest, and I couldn’t think behind or past the moment. Somehow, when I blinked, I could picture a flash of red, but my brain refused to work beyond that.
“Are you gonna get married?” My mouth dried at that, but it was obvious that Madeline either couldn’t hear her sister or couldn’t answer. Or both. She just stared through Sophia, not even blinking. I cleared my throat roughly, and huge, hazel eyes met mine to narrow slightly.
“We’re not going to get married right now, no. But we’re going to talk about it.” Sophia pulled a thoughtful expression through her watery eyes. “Why would you ask if we’re getting married?”
“...I don’t want you to leave. What about your jacket?” Oh, Jesus fuck.
“Sophia... I’m not goin’ anywhere even if Madeline never agrees to put up with my dense ass.” My slur seemed to snap Madeline out of her daze, and the hairs on my arms rose when her nails dug into the back of my palm. Hope blossomed in Sophia’s eyes, and she leaned forward a little as I nodded firmly. “You don’t necessarily have to marry someone because you love someone, and you don’t have to love someone because you marry them. Being with someone means doing things that work for you, not other people. Madeline and I aren’t going to forget you or ignore you or leave you.”
“I’m never gonna love this baby the way I love you, Sophia. Same for Michael. You’re all different, and I love you all different. That doesn’t mean I’ll love one of you more than the others.” Madeline spoke up for the first time since her announcement, and her raw voice grated my ears. Sophia’s eyes snapped over, and I sat back as Madeline grabbed her sister’s hand tightly. “You’re always going to be my sister. I’m not Mom, and I’m not going to leave. Ever.”
“I hope so.” Sophia took her hand back and slipped out of her chair to follow Evan and Michael outside, and I bit my inner cheek hard. Her shoulders curled, making her look older than her nine years. Alone at a table with a huge spread and no one to eat it, I lumped back in my chair to bluster a sigh.
“...I hope I didn’t fuck this up beyond repair.” Regret thickened Madeline’s already raw tone, and I wrapped my arm around her shoulders to hold her to my side. Kissing her crown, I kept my mouth shut this time, and she sighed a soft, rattling breath.
24
Madeline
Scowling at my mom, I kicked the door open a few more inches, but she didn’t even twitch. She looked so pathetic, and my heart ached fiercely as I leaned on the door frame. Crossing my arms over my chest, I tapped my arm with my fingers anxiously.
“Michael and Sophia get home soon.” My voice rubbed my throat harshly, but if my mom had heard me, she’d made no indication at all. She just kept hugging the stupid, little yellow bear, and my anxiety slowly morphed into irritation. “Mom, I know it’s rough, but there was a seventy-five percent chance of this happening. You should’ve acknowledged that and prepared for it. You can’t just ignore the rest of us. We’re still here.”
It’d been weeks, and I knew I couldn’t trivialize what my mom went through, but she was getting thinner, gaunter—just wasting away, literally, right before my eyes. Mom hadn’t been the best mom, sure, but there was no such thing as the ‘best’ when it came to parenting. Reaching to run my hand through my hair roughly, I sighed bitterly when she sluggishly cradled the bear in her arms.
“Maddie...” Turning to find my dad gesturing me away from the nursery entryway, I scowled in disgust. He looked terrible but a different kind of terrible from my mom. His blazing red hair was wild and greasy, and his clothes were disheveled and old. “Come on, sweetie. You know there’s no getting through to her.”
/> “I’m so sick of this, Dad. I know you’re trying, but she’s not—at all!” Blurting out my frustration, I clenched my hands into tight fists by my sides as my dad rubbed my upper back. Walking down the hallway towards the stairs, I just wanted to fling myself down them and get a break from all this fucking horror. “What the fuck? She cheated on you intentionally to get pregnant at forty-fucking-eight, and she’s lucky she’s not dead!”
“You see it that way, I know, but your mom still went through something traumatic that I hope you’ll never have to experience.” Emotions warred in my chest, and my dad gestured me down the stairs first to follow with heavy steps. “I’m thinking of taking her to this place in Massachusetts that specializes in this kind of stuff. Hopefully, they can help her.”
“Good. I hope they can, too, because I can’t keep this up. I’m burning out with my job and taking care of Michael and Sophia. Savannah and I already picked out an apartment, and...” Heaving a massive sigh, I glanced over my shoulder at my dad’s haggard face as we headed into the living room. “Sorry, I’m not abandoning you, Dad. I just... I can’t stand this anymore, and I think it’d be better to just have my own place to recharge without interrupting. I’m not gonna disappear, I promise.”
“You’re twenty-one, Maddie. You’re supposed to want to have your own life, and I’m sorry you can’t right now. At least we can still keep this house. I’m sorry I can’t go back to work and that everything’s on you. It’s not gonna last forever.”