by Cathy Glass
The girl stormed out of the house without saying where she was going and disappeared for four days without contacting her mother, causing her even more worry. However, when she did return, having had time to reflect, she was a changed person. She apologised and settled down, and their relationship is even stronger now. My friend’s only regret is that she didn’t face up to, and deal with, the situation sooner, instead of letting it fester.
World events
With world events now so accessible and immediate – coming into our homes through live television, the internet, radio and newspapers – it is as well to remember the impact that seeing a disaster has on us, and even more so on our children. At one time, before live coverage of world events, the most shocking pictures we saw were stills of starving children in Africa, usually shown to raise money for famine relief, which were shocking enough. Now, through satellite television, we witness disasters across the world as they unfold, with the effect that we are closer, more involved. They have greater impact and stress on us. Very little appears to be censored, and what isn’t captured by the film crew is supplemented by witnesses’ camera footage taken on mobile phones. Not only do we often see the disaster actually happening but the cameras are there, for days on end, working with rescue crews as they dig bodies out of rubble, examine wreckage of crashed aeroplanes or mangled cars; or with journalists as they talk to survivors of terrorist attacks, or grieving parents of missing or dead children. Much of this is everyday news and children watch the news.
The impact these disasters have on children is greater than on adults. Children haven’t yet developed the desensitisation that adults have in order to protect them and allow them to cope with this continuous onslaught on our emotions. After the events of 9/11 and the Boxing Day tsunami, counselling lines were set up for those who had been affected by what they had seen on television. The lines were very busy and many of the calls were from minors.
While it is important our children are aware of world events, what they see needs to be age appropriate, and they shouldn’t have to witness more than their young minds can cope with. Don’t hesitate to switch off the news (even if it’s the early evening news) if you feel it is too upsetting and beyond your child’s ability to cope.
One boy I fostered, who was ten at the time, became so unsettled by the Beslan school hostage siege (which he had seen on the five-thirty children’s news) that he didn’t want to go to school, feeling that a similar thing could happen there. It took a lot of talking and reassurance to convince him otherwise.
Your child will have questions about what they have seen on television. It is important you answer their questions age appropriately. Discuss what they have seen and put it in perspective, giving lots of reassurance. Tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanic eruptions don’t, fortunately, happen every day; security has been tightened to prevent terrorist attack; travelling by plane remains one of the safest forms of travel; and you and your partner are safe drivers, so your child needn’t be concerned about an accident. The world we live in can be a very sad and difficult one and children shouldn’t have to cope with more than they are able, or they will become anxious, miserable and angry by carrying the weight of world suffering.
Other factors which can affect children’s behaviour
Any sudden or dramatic change in your child’s behaviour should be a warning that something is wrong and you need to find out what. Here are some possibilities, although the list is by no means complete:
* imprisonment of a parent or family member
* remarriage and the introduction of a step-parent (see Chapter 7)
* hospitalisation of a parent, family member or friend
* pressure from parents, siblings, school or peers
* bullying
* friendship fallouts
* starting school or nursery
* illness in the child or family
* watching challenging behaviour on television – often in children’s programmes
* puberty
* menstruation
* prescribed medication
* alcohol or drug abuse (see Chapter 9)
* lack of confidence
* depression
It is essential you take whatever time is necessary to find the cause of your child’s problem; then talk about it, be supportive and understanding, and give plenty of reassurance. But remember that whatever the reason, it is not an excuse for unacceptable or rude behaviour; it won’t help solve the problem or crisis, and will result in you both feeling upset, angry and frustrated. Keep in place the routine and boundaries as you work through any crisis together.
Siblings
In a perfect world, the perfect family, with two parents and a throng of happy children, live together in harmony, with all the siblings playing happily alongside each other, sharing and being cooperative. In reality, raising two or more children can stretch parents to the limit, especially if the siblings are continuously bickering or even fighting. Some disagreement between siblings is natural and indeed positive, as it can teach the art of negotiation, which is required throughout life. But if your children go at it ‘hammer and tongs’ as soon as you leave the room, as well as draining your resources and creating a hostile atmosphere, it can make disciplining them more difficult. The techniques described in this book for guiding one child to acceptable behaviour can be successfully applied to siblings, but must be applied equally and fairly to all the children – natural, adopted, fostered and step. Much sibling rivalry stems from one child believing he or she is less important than another.
Reasons children fight
The reasons why siblings behave unacceptably and fight between themselves can be grouped as follows:
* Favouritism: a child feels a sibling (or siblings) receives more time and attention or is disciplined less, and is therefore loved more by the parents.
* Jealousy: a child is jealous of a new arrival – baby or stepbrother/sister.
* Physical factors: children who are bored, hungry or tired are more likely to become fractious and fight.
* Resentment: a child feels worthless when their achievements are compared to those of a sibling.
* Discipline: in families where there is little routine, poor boundaries and control, children are more likely to bicker and fight.
* Attention: siblings who are not given enough attention, either together or individually, are more likely to resort to bad behaviour to gain attention.
* Example: if parents argue and fight, the children will too.
* Unfair responsibility: if an older child is asked to take on too much responsibility for parenting younger children, resentment can build up.
Dos and don’ts of parenting siblings
Here are the golden rules for creating a positive environment in which all the children in the family feel valued. If each child feels recognised and valued as an individual (as an only child would feel), there will be less likelihood of resentment building and spilling out into anger, towards other siblings or the parents.
Don’t compare your children with each other. Comments such as ‘Tom always clears up his room/does his homework. Why don’t you, Claire?’ will build up resentment more quickly than anything.
Don’t label a child – ‘Tom has always been difficult/Claire’s very self-centred’: the label will stick.
Don’t give an older child too much responsibility for another child: both children will resent it.
Don’t have favourites or show favouritism, no matter how difficult one child is being.
Don’t tell your daughter you were hoping for a son, or vice versa.
Don’t make fun of a child in front of siblings or employ siblings to side with you when disciplining – ‘Isn’t Tom’s behaviour silly, Claire?’, won’t help your discipline, your relationship with Tom or Tom and Claire’s relationship with each other.
Don’t tell your children that their behaviour is uncontrollable, either individually or as a group, – ‘I don’t kn
ow what to do with you all!’ will seem to them like an achievement and engender more negative behaviour.
Do treat all children as individuals and equals; if you are prone to favouritism, keep a check on it.
Do spend one-to-one time with each child, as well as spending time with the children all together.
Do spend time each day playing with the children so that they can see you having fun with them. It doesn’t have to be long if you are over-stretched – a board game, painting or game of catch in the garden works wonders for team building.
Do eat dinner together at the table every evening.
Do listen to, talk to and discuss with each child individually as well as with the children altogether.
Do have regular family outings. They don’t have to be expensive – a trip to the park to feed the ducks with stale bread is just as valuable an experience as an expensive visit to a theme park.
They won’t all be good at everything, but all will be good at something.
Do guide and discipline your children, using the 3Rs, equally and fairly, all the time. If it’s not OK for Tom to slurp his drink at the table on Monday, Claire needs to be told about not slurping her drink when she does it on Wednesday. And if teenage Tom has to be in at nine o’clock and has £10 pocket money, so too does Claire.
CHAPTER SIX
Difficult Children
Turning around a Difficult Child
There is a growing feeling in most Western societies that, with each new generation, children are becoming increasingly self-centred, demanding and out of control, and that we are heading for disaster. The current generation is often depicted as being rich in material comforts but deficient in empathy and respect for others, including their parents. Criminal damage by minors is on the increase, with the age of the offenders getting younger – in 2006, 3,000 children in the UK below the age of ten were ‘arrested’ for serious offences.
Post-war liberal parenting – where parents have been encouraged to take their cues from the child as the child knew best, and discipline was a dirty word – is often held responsible for this deterioration. Although no one would want to return to the Victorian ‘children should be seen and not heard’ dictum, without doubt many parents are now suffering from the effect of a too liberal style of child rearing, which had few boundaries and left the parents feeling guilty for correcting their child. As parents we naturally want to do our best for our children and follow professional advice. It is only with hindsight that we can view our oversights and mistakes.
Although you can’t turn back the clock and make your child a baby and start all over again physically, you can change unacceptable behaviour – by setting clear and consistent boundaries, using the 3Rs. Many of the children I have fostered have come to me with appalling behaviour and I have successfully wiped clean the slate and started again. Even if your child is not completely out of control but there is a lot of room for improvement, this chapter is for you.
Is your child out of control?
So what constitutes behavioural difficulties or a child out of control, and does it apply to your child? Behavioural difficulties usually build up over many years and will include some, possibly all, of the following.
Your child:
* refuses to do as he or she is asked within a reasonable time
* is verbally rude, answers back, talks over you, interrupts, doesn’t listen, demands rather than asks
* walks away when you are talking, covers his or her ears or makes a loud noise when you are talking
* shouts, screams, throws things or has tantrums when his or her demands are not immediately met
* satisfies his or her own needs to the exclusion of others’
* dominates you, your partner, siblings and friends
* manipulates or threatens you or others – with verbal or physical aggression
* in older children, displays antisocial behaviour including stealing, vandalism, drug and alcohol abuse.
All children display challenging behaviour sometimes, but you will know the difference between the occasional refusal of a child testing the boundaries, and a child who has severe behavioural difficulties and who is out of control. There is one overriding factor which governs all of such a child’s actions, and which you probably realised but didn’t like to admit: he or she is in charge and dominating you through their unacceptable behaviour – they have become ‘top dog’ and leader of the pack.
Apart from challenging and governing you through their shocking behaviour there will be other less obvious signs that your child is out of your control and in charge:
* The child pushes ahead of you to go through a door first.
* He or she sits on the seat in the lounge where you were about to sit, so you have to sit somewhere else.
* He or she speaks first when you meet your friends in the street.
* They always answer the door, house phone and even your mobile.
* They question you and need to know what is going on the whole time – you have no privacy.
* Your meals are based on what the child wants, to avoid scenes.
* Family gatherings are dominated by the child and you are on tenterhooks to keep them happy to avoid a scene.
* You find you have modified your own behaviour and the activities of the family to accommodate the child.
* You find yourself making excuses for the child’s behaviour.
A child who is out of control won’t be continuously throwing bricks through windows; they don’t have to. They are in charge and everyone works to their agenda.
Regaining control
The first thing to do is to get the child back into their place in the hierarchy, as a child: one who follows and is directed, not leader of the pack. You achieve this on a number of levels – through action, word and body language. Just as your child has slowly elevated their position and usurped yours, so you will be taking the reins again and regaining control, guiding and steering your child to acceptable behaviour. If you have a partner, it is essential you work together, and be prepared for a rough ride for the first two weeks. Your child will not give up his or her position easily – it’s good being leader of the pack: you get the first and best pickings.
Zero tolerance
What follows applies to a child of any age, although clearly the situations that need addressing will vary with age, and rewards and sanctions will need to be age appropriate. But the platform from which you will be working, whatever the child’s age, is the same: zero tolerance. In order to regain your control and get your child’s behaviour back on track, zero tolerance is absolutely essential in the first two weeks. Later, when you are in charge again and your child is responding, you can gradually ease up, but to begin with you are only going to accept acceptable behaviour. No argument – that is the bottom line.
Address the key issues
Step one begins with you and your partner deciding on the main areas in your child’s behaviour that are causing you both the greatest concern; these are the ones you will be addressing first. It may seem that all of your child’s behaviour needs correcting, but a number of key issues will stand out – for example, biting, kicking, swearing or refusing to do as asked. Leave more minor issues, for example untidiness, until you have corrected the main issues, but if you have already asked your child to do something or stop doing something, then see it through, even if it isn’t a high-priority issue. Your child needs to learn that when you say something you mean it, which may come as something of a revelation to begin with.
You will be going back to the basics: Request, Repeat and Reaffirm, with praise for positive behaviour and sanctions for negative behaviour. There is no room for debate during this initial two-week period as you establish your control as the parent, put in place the boundaries and guidelines, and make sure your child does as you have reasonably Requested.
Decide on a routine
Having decided on the main areas for correction, if you haven’t already got one,
decide on your household routine. A routine, with its boundaries of expectations, is essential for any family to run smoothly, and is also a crucial framework for the changes you are about to make. It will include the following:
* the time your child has to be up in the morning, washed, dressed and ready for school
* what time you all sit down together for dinner in the evening
* when homework is done
* your child’s responsibilities and chores and when they should be done – for example, tidying away their possessions, putting dirty clothes in the laundry basket, etc.