by Cathy Glass
As with any condition that manifests itself through behaviour, there is plenty you can do to manage the young person’s anger. Anger and stress are often linked in bipolar disorder, and teaching the young person relaxation techniques, as well as giving them support and the security that comes from a clear routine and boundaries, can help them immensely.
Attachment disorder
This is a condition found in children who did not successfully bond with their parent or care giver in the very important early years, usually as a result of severe neglect. There is a prevalence of attachment disorders in adopted and fostered children, and this condition has come to the public’s attention as a result of the adoptions from Eastern European orphanages. Despite all the care, love and attention of the adoptive parents, some of these children have failed to bond, and have developed very negative and challenging behaviour. The disorder occurs as a result of the child having learnt early that the world is unsafe, adults cannot be trusted and that he or she must take care of his own needs in order to survive. Unsurprisingly anger results and the child has an overriding need to be in control to stay safe.
The severity of such a disorder varies. An attachment disorder shows on a brain scan as dark areas of inactivity in the brain where the child has literally missed out. Symptoms include:
* obsessively controlling, bossy, argumentative, defiant, angry
* resists affection from parents but can be over-familiar with strangers
* manipulative, lies, steals, destroys property, impulsive
* hyperactive and on a continual state of high alert
* speech and language problems
* a fascination for the macabre or dangerous.
A child with a diagnosed attachment disorder will almost certainly receive therapy. The parents or carers work with the therapist to undo the harm of the early years and to help the child to bond, as well as managing and correcting the child’s unacceptable behaviour. Strategies in this book will help enormously to modify behaviour, together with the advice and guidance of the therapist.
CHAPTER NINE
Metamorphosis
Pre-teen and Early Teen: 11–15
Puberty is the start of adolescence and begins earlier now than it did in previous generations. The average age for girls is twelve, and for boys, thirteen. But this is only an average and 5 per cent of girls will have started their periods by the time they leave primary school. In many countries children transfer up to secondary school at the same time as they are having to deal with the onset of puberty – a double measure of change and uncertainty, which is often reflected in children’s behaviour.
Your child’s physical and emotional characteristics will change dramatically between the ages of twelve and fifteen, as his or her body is subjected to a massive rush of hormones, affecting appearance and mood. In addition, scientists now know from brain scans that the brain ‘rewires’ in adolescence, changing and developing as much during the early teens as it did when the child was a toddler. Never again will there be so many alterations and transformations going on in the mind of your son or daughter. Little wonder that a stranger can suddenly appear in your house, having more in common with an alien from Mars than the child you once knew.
If it is confusing for you to meet this new and not always convivial young person, it is even more confusing for the child. Your son or daughter will be having to come to terms with not only all the astonishing changes in his or her body but also complex changes in thoughts and feelings (and therefore character), which not even he or she will understand. To make matters worse, children have growth spurts during this time (unprecedented since babyhood), which the brain takes a while to recognise and accommodate. This is why young teens can often become very clumsy – they literally don’t know where their bodies end, so will reach for a glass based on where they thought their arm ended, only to find they have already reached it and knocked it over.
As they adapt and rediscover themselves, pre-teen and early teen children are continuously experimenting with new approaches and ideas, a bit as if they are trying on new clothes in a shop to see if they fit and suit. Much of what they ‘try on’ they will reject as not appropriate for them. But in trying on these new ‘garments’ and testing their effect, they will also often be testing you – sometimes knowingly and at other times inadvertently. In addition, in Western society there is a compulsion for teens to rebel, which isn’t present in many African or Asian cultures. Teenager culture now has a unique and well-defined status, with a code and practice of its own. It covers many aspects of a teen’s life, from how to speak and dress, to music, attitude and ambition. Some of this will sit happily alongside your lifestyle and family values, with minimal disruption; other aspects won’t, with the potential for conflict.
The pre-teen and early teen stage can so easily become a battleground, with both teen and parents struggling for control and to understand each other. Even the most capable, understanding and loving of parents will experience some disturbance in the household as their children work through this time of change and uncertainty. I like to look upon it as a type of metamorphosis, where the green caterpillar of childhood disappears into the dark and secret cocoon of the teenager, finally to emerge as a beautiful adult butterfly.
Because the child’s body is quickly developing into adulthood, and they are craving more independence, there is a great temptation to assume the child is more mature than they are and therefore give more responsibility for decision making than he or she has the life skills to deal with. However, while they are morphing, children of this age need some very clear guidelines and boundaries. Patience, understanding and firmness are crucial during this time, and into the later teens.
The golden rules for managing pre-teen and early teens
Before looking at the main areas that can give rise to conflict, with suggestions on how to deal with these situations, here are the basic dos and don’ts – the golden rules – for managing pre-teen and early teen behaviour.
Respect privacy Privacy is very important for a child of this age. Respect it, and make sure your son or daughter respects yours. Knock, if their bedroom door is closed, before going in. Don’t read your child’s letters, emails or texts, listen to their phone conversations, spy on them or search their room or bags, unless you have grave concerns for your child’s safety. And don’t give them the third degree every time they return home from seeing their friends – they will resent it. Trust their judgement unless they have given you cause not to.
Hear their views Your child will have a lot of views at this age, about lots of things, and will want to express them, using you and your partner as ‘sounding boards’. Some of what your teen tells you as fact will be absolute nonsense. One teenage girl I fostered announced categorically that she couldn’t wash her hair while she had a period as it would make her ill, while a teenage boy once told me that the earth changed the direction of its rotation every year, with such conviction that I went online and checked. (It doesn’t, of course.)
Listen to what your child says, and always take his or her view seriously. If you know what they are saying is wrong or misguided, gently explain what is generally held to be true, consigning it to someone else if necessary – ‘I heard on the radio that …’ or ‘I was reading an article that said …’
Communicate Keep the pathways of communication open, no matter how difficult it is. When your teen talks to you, a single grunt usually means yes, while a deeper grunt accompanied with a sigh can be taken as no. Ask for your son or daughter’s opinion about anything that might elicit a response – world events, a new dress you’ve bought, the poodle’s new hair cut; and ask about his or her day at school, or evening with a friend, but don’t pry.
Praise Praise your son or daughter, as much if not more than you did when they were young. A drop in self-confidence and poor body image is the blight of many pre-teens and early teens. Praise them each day; even if you have had a bad time (with their seeming to relis
h confrontation) still find something good to say about them or what they have done. Although they are unlikely to acknowledge your praise, other than with a grunt, they will hear and appreciate it.
Don’t criticise Children of this age are very sensitive to criticism, often seeing and feeling it even where there is none intended. If your child’s behaviour is unacceptable and needs altering, or your child has made a really bad decision, don’t criticise them personally and explode with ‘How stupid can one person be!’ Instead, temper it to ‘I don’t think that was the best option, do you, Tom?’ or ‘Claire, I know you are annoyed, but please don’t speak to me like that.’
Guide Steer your child to the correct decision, and confirm that they got it right with praise and acknowledgment. Children of this age need guidance more than ever; it’s just that they don’t always realise they do. Don’t be tempted to ‘throw in the towel’ and give in – ‘All right! Do it your way then! And you’ll see I’m right!’ If it is something quite minor and safe, like the best method of making shortcrust pastry, then they can be left to get on with it and learn from their mistakes. But if it’s something major that can affect their well-being, then your young teen needs to accept your guidance. Explain why, and use the 3Rs to see it through. Request – ‘Tom, I do not want you using that footpath through the park when you come home from Pete’s. It isn’t safe after dark.’ If Tom persists in this unsafe behaviour, Repeat your Request. If he does it again, Reaffirm with the warning of the sanction – ‘Tom, I am concerned for your safety. If you continue to use that path after dark you’ll have to come home while it’s still light, or I’ll come and collect you.’ Tom values his independence and won’t want you there.
Maintain family time Keep family time, and go on outings (despite your teen’s grumbles), just as you did when they were little. Doing this helps cement family relationships and bonding, and reduces confrontation and rebelliousness. However, you might have to adjust the extent of your child’s participation. While you took your five-year-old to visit Granny twice a week, visiting that often might not be appropriate for a twelve-year-old who has homework and club activities – fortnightly might be more practical.
Give responsibility Give your son or daughter age-appropriate responsibility and encourage self-reliance so that he or she gradually develops the life skills on which to base his or her own (sensible) decisions. The level of maturity reached and life skills acquired at this age vary from child to child, so while it might be appropriate to put a saw in the hand of one thirteen-year-old and ask him or her to saw up logs for the fire, it might not be wise to ask another more impetuous child.
Maintain safety Keep your son or daughter safe. At this age children assume they are safe, and will always be safe, without making any objective risk assessment of the situation. A young teen can sometimes show an astonishing disregard for danger and indulge in very unsafe behaviour, and look totally amazed when you point out that they are at risk. At this age teens are still very naïve, and while they believe they know how to stay safe, they often don’t – they are only just out of childhood and haven’t the life experience to recognise danger in situations which is obvious to adults. When you are met with an indignant ‘But Mum! I’m thirteen!’ in response to something you have asked your child to do, or not do, you can reply, ‘Yes, I know, love, and you are growing fast, but I am not happy about you coming home alone on the bus after dark [or whatever it is]. I don’t think it’s safe.’ And don’t be persuaded otherwise. You are not being over-protective but making a reasonable judgement based on years of experience.
Don’t tease Don’t satirise or make fun of your child or their actions, some of which may appear quite juvenile and silly. Don’t tease, or make your young teen the butt of a joke. Many adults have problems being on the receiving end of a joke or being made fun of, and your young adolescent will certainly not be able to cope with it. They will take it personally and will feel very embarrassed and resentful, especially if there is an audience and everyone has looked at them and laughed. Children of this age are very sensitive and easily become embarrassed and blush.
Try to stop other adults from poking fun at your teen too. Often well-meaning relatives or family friends will have a joke at a young teen’s expense, not intending any harm but trying to make conversation with the self-conscious, silent and gangly youth before them who is unrecognisable from the sociable little boy they last saw. If you are aware that a comment or joke has caused your child embarrassment, mention it lightly to your child when you are alone – ‘That was a silly thing for Auntie Jean to say; of course you wash behind your ears’ or ‘Granddad doesn’t understand that orange-streaked hair is fashionable now.’ There is no harm in siding with your child in this manner; he or she will feel and appreciate your sensitivity and support, although they won’t say so.
Don’t take it personally Don’t expect a lot back in the way of positive recognition for your care and concern on any matter at this age, or else you will be sadly disappointed. Look upon everything you say and do for your child during this period as an investment for a smoother ride through the older teenage years, leading to a self-confident and happy adult at the end of it.
At this age you are an embarrassment to your child, which is why he or she asks you to drop them off round the corner from their friend’s house so you won’t be seen. It’s normal, and I’m afraid it’s something you have to live with if you have a young teen. There’s nothing you could do that would minimise the embarrassment you inadvertently cause your child at this age. Don’t take it personally; they grow out of it. And obviously don’t do anything to embarrass your child. This includes talking loudly in a public place, kissing or standing too close to your child in a public place, returning a faulty item to the shop while they are with you and other similar behaviour. Often just having a parent is an embarrassment for a child of this age, although of course deep down they know that they couldn’t do without you, and love you deeply.
Use the 3Rs Last, but not least, keep the boundaries and guidelines for acceptable behaviour in place, using the 3Rs as necessary. Obviously acknowledge your son’s or daughter’s growing independence and self-reliance, but the rules for respect and good behaviour, both at home and in society, should remain true. You are responsible for your child until they reach the age of majority (eighteen in the UK), when they legally become an adult, so if you don’t want your child to do something, for example, have a body piercing or tattoo, then he or she doesn’t do it (the owner of a body-piercing parlour will need your permission anyway).
Attitude
Attitude is the way a person thinks or feels about someone or something. It is portrayed through their body language and what he or she does or says. However, the word ‘attitude’ has also become a defining statement in its own right, and is usually applied to teenagers. To say someone has ‘attitude’ summons up a package of behaviour that tends to have negative connotations and suggests confrontation and rebellion. The majority of young teens in Western society will develop ‘attitude’ at some point, and it’s a statement of objection on their part: they are portraying, with a look or a few words, that they disagree with some or all of what is going on around them. This may be something at home or school, a generally held view or something about society at large.
Showing ‘attitude’ distances the teen from the norm – what they have so far conformed to and what you hold dear – and therefore contains the component of rejection that can be infuriating to parents; ‘I don’t like your attitude’ can be heard on the lips of many parents with children of this age. Remember that it is normal for a child of this age to develop ‘attitude’ as they search to redefine themselves. It will usually disappear in the later teenage years; and as long as the child doesn’t overstep the boundary into rudeness, it can be ignored. However, if their attitude becomes rude or unacceptably confrontational, then the young teen should be corrected.
You have Requested that Claire do the dishes, but she
is clearly not happy about this; she is in a strop, huffing and puffing, and banging the china together. You Repeat, ‘I’m sorry, Claire, but your attitude isn’t helpful. I’ve asked you to do the dishes and I’d be grateful if you could do it pleasantly.’ Claire’s response probably won’t be, ‘Yes, of course, Mummy dear,’ although if it is, praise her. If her response is pointed silence (more likely), a moan, or ‘Whatever,’ as in the teenage ‘I hear you but my defences are up’, or anything else that can be ignored, ignore it – don’t go looking for trouble. If her response is rude or disrespectful, deal with it, Reaffirm – ‘Claire, I’m not having you speak to me like that, and I’ll be stopping the breakages out of your allowance.’ When Claire has finished doing the dishes, even if it hasn’t been done graciously, thank her all the same. At this age seize on anything positive to praise, particularly if Claire or Tom is going through a very difficult period, where there isn’t much to praise.
Bad language
Your young teen’s speech and language skills will probably change and very likely take a turn for the worse. New, fashionable words like ‘cool,’ ‘wicked’ and ‘sad’ appear regularly in the vocabulary, and as quickly disappear. These ‘in’ words do not have the same meaning that adults attribute to them, and are updated regularly. By the time this book goes to press ‘cool’ and ‘wicked’ will doubtless have disappeared and anyone using them will be seen as very ‘sad’. Claiming such words as their own is part of teenage culture and while such words might be irritating to parents if they populate every sentence, they don’t do any harm.