by T. S. Joyce
“That’s bullshit. You didn’t quit. You kept her safe.”
“I gave her to my parents. It was supposed to be temporary. A week. Maybe two so I could get ahold of myself and get better— be better for her. So I could be the mom I wanted to be. But I just got worse and worse, and weeks turned to months. I would call my mom, and Amberlynn would be gurgling in the background. She was never crying when I called. She was safe and happy, but I am selfish, Jathan. I’m so fucking selfish because I still considered taking her back even when I was falling apart. I wanted to be the one feeding her, holding her, singing her lullabies, giving her baths, and watching her firsts. I was missing everything. This is the person you are trying to save. Someone who would give up their child.”
“Lynn, you think you’re the only one who gave up a baby? Do you really?” Jathan knelt down and gripped her shoulders. “Look at me.” He shook her gently. “Lynn, look at me.”
Her heart breaking, she dragged her gaze to his. Jathan was all beautiful shadows, and she tried hard to hold on, gripping his wrists to anchor herself in the moment.
“Don’t disappear until you hear me. You made a sacrifice. You sacrificed yourself for your daughter. You did. You are a good mom because you made sure she was safe. You put your pride aside so she could have a good life. Of course, you wanted her back. That doesn’t make you selfish. That makes you a mother with instincts. I’ve seen her. Lynn!” Jathan shook her gently. “Medusa! Stay with me, Lynn. Did you hear me? I said I’ve seen her. I’ve seen Amberlynn.”
Hold on! Lynn curled over the pain in her middle but kept her eyes locked on Jathan’s. “You have?”
“Yeah, I’ve been visiting her every few days since you came back from Red Havoc. I wanted to understand you, so I went to your parents, and she was there, holding onto the coffee table, wearing this cute little pink tutu with ladybugs on it. Her eyes stay gold. Her hair is bright red like yours. She looks just like you, except she smiles all the time like you used to. She’s happy because you made a hard decision for her.”
Lynn’s shoulders shook with her sobbing, and she barely got out, “Did you hold her?”
Jathan nodded. “Once. She pulled up on the couch I was sitting on. She was using my knee for balance. She’s so fucking close to walking, Lynn. She reached for me so I picked her up. She smelled like a little panther. Fur. Smiles. She’ll be a little badass, just like you.”
“I’m not a badass,” Lynn whispered.
“No? You just talked about Amberlynn, and where are you?”
Chest heaving, Lynn looked around at the retreating shadows.
“Are you still here with me?” Jathan asked low.
Lynn wiped her damp cheeks with the back of her hand and sat up straighter. Monster was quiet in her middle. “Yeah, I’m still here with you.”
And a tiny piece of her, for the first time in a long time, felt like the beginnings of a badass.
Chapter Nine
There was muffled yelling inside of Willa and Matt Barns’ singlewide trailer in the Grayland Mobile Park. Willa was upset about something. Lynn hesitated on knocking and gave Jathan a questioning glance over her shoulder.
“Ma might be a little weirder than usual tonight,” Jathan murmured.
Lynn frowned. “I feel like it’s impossible for Willa to be any weirder.”
Jathan snorted and wrapped his hand around Lynn’s. It was big and strong and covered hers completely. “I already ordered real tacos too, because Ma is the worst at making them. It’s like she tries to suck.” He pushed open the door and barged in.
“That can’t be true—” When the smell of sauerkraut and taco seasoning hit her nose, Lynn nearly gagged.
“Furthermore,” Willa yelled, “I’ll fight all of them. Every single one! Take my worms? I’d like to see them try it!”
Jathan turned to Lynn and snickered silently.
What did you do? she mouthed.
Jathan only winked and pulled her into the living room by the hand. “Ma, I’d like you to meet Lynn.”
“Dumbass, I already know her.”
“I know, I just wanted to annoy you. Smells horrible in here.”
“Boy, tonight isn’t the night to sass my tacos.” Willa held up a handful of letters. There was a huge pile of them on the kitchen table. “Some idiot has formed a group called WANKE. War Against Nerds Killing Earthworms. I thought it had to be some mistake until the government cease and desist letters started arriving this afternoon. And there are three assholes picketing the entrance to Damon’s Mountains, and there was yellow caution tape around my entire worm house today like it was a crime scene! They’re going to take my worms!”
Jathan made his way over to a bowl of cherries on the counter and shrugged. “Maybe you could start up a different business.”
Willa’s mouth plopped open, and the letters fell from her hands like a shower in a rainforest.
Jathan’s giant father, Matt, was leaned back in a chair in the kitchen, staring at his son with narrowed eyes and the smallest quirk to his lips, as if he smelled a rat.
In a shaky voice, Willa whispered, “What else could I possibly do that would bring me as much joy as worms?”
Jathan bit a cherry in half and leveled his mother with a dead-eyed look. “Maybe you could be a dick knitter.”
Willa froze, and her eyes blazed bright green. Three seconds passed before she gritted out, “Boy, you tell me right now if this was your doing.”
Jathan gave her a carefree smile as he smacked loudly on his cherry.
Matt snorted, but pursed his lips against a laugh and wouldn’t meet Willa’s glare when it arched to him. She looked down at the letters on the floor and then to the mountain of letters on the table. She sounded utterly shocked as she murmured, “I just rampaged for three straight hours.”
When Jathan’s smile got bigger, Lynn had to bite her bottom lip to hide her grin.
Louder, Willa repeated, “I just rampaged for three straight hours, Jathan!”
“Well you should stop knitting dicks and putting them in my house! Dick coasters, dick throw rugs, a dick blanket, dick napkins, dick hand towels… Ma! You knitted me dick shoes and hid my work boots! I tried them on. You made them too small, and my big toes hung out of the pee-pee holes.”
“I just started the dick prank last week. This!” She yanked up a handful of letters, her straight red hair twitching in its ponytail. “This took weeks of premeditated planning!”
Matt full-on covered his smile with his hand.
Willa looked from face to face. Her bottom lip quivered, and her bright green eyes rimmed with moisture.
Well, that broke Lynn’s heart, so she stepped forward to give Willa a hug, but Jathan stopped her. “Wait for it,” he muttered, staring at his mom.
“I’m really proud of you,” Willa said in an emotional voice.
Matt barked a laugh and cleared his throat to cover it. Jathan was chuckling too as he made his way to Willa and pulled her into a hug. “I knew you would be, Ma. Now stop making these shitty tacos. I’ve ordered us tacos. You want me to throw all the letters away?”
“No,” Willa said, hugging her son tight. “I want to keep them with your school stuff and trophies. Who did all this?”
“Uuuh, every crew I could get ahold of, and I made the government stamp with a piece of rubber. I really wanted the group to be called WANKER, but I couldn’t figure out any words that made sense and started with an R. I paid three townies forty bucks each to stand out there and picket when you came home. I was the one who put the caution tape on the worm house. Also, seriously…please stop decorating my house with dicks.”
“Okay,” Willa said in a tiny voice, “I’ll knit you vaginas next time instead.”
“That’s all I ask,” Jathan murmured, patting his mom gently on the back.
God, this was the weirdest family. Lynn stood there with a big dumb grin on her face. She loved them.
Willa sniffed and shoved Jathan away. “Remember I gav
e you life, boy, and I can take it away. No pranks with my worms ever again. That’s sacred.”
Jathan’s phone rang with the Baby Got Back song as his ringtone. “Yeah?” he answered. “Okay, I’ll be right there.” He hung up and shoved his cell in his back pocket, then told them, “The food is here, but the guy is afraid to cross into Damon’s Mountains to deliver. I’m gonna meet him at the main road.”
“Okay,” Willa said in a distracted voice as she sifted through letters one by one on the table.
Jathan looked down at Lynn and parted his lips to say something, but Matt interrupted. “I’ll come with you.” He pushed between them, yanked the front door open, then looked back impatiently at his son.
Jathan gave his dad a what-the-fuck look, and then he did something that shocked Lynn to her bones. He turned to her and dragged her waist close, and then he leaned down and brushed his lips against hers. It happened so fast she didn’t even have time to react. He kissed her, and then he squeezed her hips once, dumping warmth into her middle in an instant. He released her and left without another word or a single look back.
Lynn touched her lips with her fingertips and watched the door close behind him.
Holy. Shit. She really liked when he touched her and when he was affectionate. She’d thought she wouldn’t ever want that with a man again. After Brody, she’d deemed men unreliable, untrustworthy, soul-sucking creatures who should be avoided. But Jathan was different. He felt different. He was dangerous, a Bad Bear, a commitment-phobe from birth, and he’d been in trouble since he was a cub. So why did the most dangerous man she could possibly choose…also feel like the safest?
“Jathan has never brought a girl home,” Willa said.
With a slow blink, Lynn ripped her gaze away from the door and looked at Willa. Her eyes were still green and her head was canted like an animal.
Lynn asked, “Really?”
“I would be happy for him, but you have checked out, haven’t you, little kitty? You’ve quit? You’re counting down the days until Creed tells Benson Saber you can’t be saved…aren’t you?”
Chest heaving and head swirling with confusion, Lynn nodded slightly. That was the plan. Before Jathan.
“Surely you can see why his father and I aren’t excited about the prospect of our son getting attached to someone who will disappear. We never worried about Jaxon. He was a rogue, but he attached to friends here. Jathan never attached to anyone. He kept himself distant on purpose. Maybe it’s his animal, or maybe it’s just how he is as a man. But I just watched my boy, who I thought would never pick a girl, kiss you. And from the look on your face, you liked it. You’re encouraging him.”
Anger pulsed through her at being reprimanded by Willa. “I’m not meaning for this to happen,” Lynn growled low.
“Then stop it.”
“I can’t.”
“Then stick around.”
“I. Can’t.”
Willa slammed her open palm on the table so hard the legs screeched across the wooden floor an inch. “Do you realize who you will hurt when you leave? You will cut him, Lynn. You have a daughter too—”
“Stop it.”
“You have a daughter, and do you know how fucking bad I want her?”
“What?” Lynn asked, confused as she backed toward the front door to bolt. No, no, no, she couldn’t talk about this again. Not when she was already emotionally drained.
“I want a granddaughter. I want to spoil Amberlynn. I want to watch my son hold her, and I want to see the kind of dad he could be—”
“She isn’t mine!”
“And she never will be if you quit now! Don’t you take that easy way out, Lynn. You fucking fight. I know you’re tired. I know you are. I can smell how exhausted and sick in the head you are. I can feel it. It makes my bear want to fight. It makes everyone around here want to fight. You think you’re the only one with a problem animal? Beaston put a bear in me without my consent. And not just a bear, a damn alpha. One who is hard to manage on a good day. I want to fight Creed all the time. I want to Change all the time, but do you know what I am?”
Lynn’s face crumpled as her shoulder blades hit the door. “No,” she whispered.
Willa’s lip snarled up. “I’m a fighter. And do you know what you are?”
“Not a fighter,” Lynn whispered.
“Wrong. You have anchors now that you aren’t paying attention to. Jathan is building a bond. Can’t you feel it? I can practically see it. If you go, you’ll destroy him, and he’ll never pick another. If you go, Amberlynn will suffer. If you go, I’ll never have the daughter of my heart that I wanted for my son. You’ll hurt all of us, and you leaving, even if it’s easy on you, will echo through these mountains and Red Havoc mountains for a lifetime. I’m ready for my battle now.”
“W-what?”
“My turn. You’ve been working your way through everyone, right? Seeing who you think you can get to lose control on you and end it? I’ll fucking do it. Give me that kill shot, Lynn. Give me your neck, and I’ll break it. I’ll put you out of your misery, but remember what you stand to lose.” Willa jammed her finger at the front door. “Outside. Now.”
“I—I don’t understand.”
“Tonight, right now, you’ll choose to live or die, and you’ll stick with that decision. Get. Out. Side.”
Lynn’s panther snarled inside of her, and her vision blurred. Everything was tinted in red. Red Willa, red hair, red face, red eyes. Monster was clawing at her skin. Finally…a real fight.
“No, I’m not ready,” Lynn whispered to the cat. But her hand reached for the door, and her feet moved jerkily forward until she was on the porch, on the stairs, and then in the front yard.
When she reached the center of the clearing, the popping of bones sounded behind her, and then a challenging roar bellowed out so loud, it shook the earth beneath her feet.
Lynn trembled with terror as her body buckled. Monster wanted this. She was ready.
But I’m not.
Jathan…Amberlynn…Willa…Matt…Red Havoc…her bird…my bird! Her best friend, Eden, would be so sad after tonight. Lynn would always be a disappointment to everyone. Jathan, Jathan, Jathan. He could stop this if he was here. There were glowing eyes all around them. The Gray Backs were gathering to watch her end. Beaston was there with a raven on his arm. He looked so sad. He looked as sad as Lynn had felt for the last year, when she’d housed more ghosts than a damn graveyard. Pain blasted through her as the Change destroyed her human body and transformed her into Monster. All four paws hit the earth, and she spun to the sound of the charging grizzly. Willa’s green eyes glowed with determination. She really would end this. Fuck. Jathan! I’m not ready, I’m not ready. Jathan!
Her body wasn’t her own. Monster controlled her as she ran for the grizzly and slammed into her chest. Time slowed.
There was pain. Lynn fought like hell to hide her neck, but she took a claw to the back as she sank her teeth into Willa’s shoulder. She closed her eyes to chomp down harder, and when she opened them, she could see him. Her Jathan. Matt and Creed were holding him back. He was yelling. Furious Bad Bear. Mad at her. Willa would end her, and he would never forgive his mom. He would never hug her so gently like he had in the house, and it would be all Lynn’s fault for not being strong enough.
Fuck. That.
Pain, pain, pain. She was protecting herself, playing defense, but it was hard. Monster was prepping for her signature move—the one where she hurt the predator just enough to get them angry, and then she gave them her neck. No! Jathan, help!
She was slammed to the ground, her teeth ripping through Willa’s skin. The massive brown bear had death in her eyes as she lifted her paw with six-inch curved claws into the air. Monster jerked her head to the side. Victory.
No, fuck Monster’s victory. Lynn closed her eyes and tried with every ounce of strength to protect her vitals. Willa slammed her paws on either side of her and roared a death warning. When Monster exposed her neck again,
Lynn could see the hurt in Jathan’s eyes. One split second in witnessing that pain, and everything Willa had said flashed through her mind. She was going to hurt a man who had been kind to her. Who had tried to make her stronger.
Lynn roared and forced her body to move so that Willa’s paw missed, and hit her on the side instead of the neck. Oh, it hurt, but she was still breathing. Still screaming. And with the most effort she’d ever given, Lynn battled Monster for her body. She tucked that fucking panther into her skin until her roar was a hoarse, human scream.
On her knees, naked and shaking, bleeding, chest heaving, fists clenched. Lynn lifted her infuriated gaze to Willa and said, “I’m. Not. Ready.”
Willa lifted her giant block head high and looked down her snout at her, lips curled back, eyes blazing and narrowed. For a second, Lynn thought it was anger etched on the grizzly’s face, but when Willa began to back away slowly, her expression morphed to one of respect. Good girl, she seemed to say.
Everything hurt, and Lynn couldn’t drag in a breath. She sat there panting for the span of three blinks, and then she rose up and made her way past Creed toward the woods. She was going to fall apart, and she didn’t want anyone to see this.
That had been her chance. That had been her fucking chance, but Jathan was in her head, and so was Willa, and she hated it here. Hated everything. Feeling hurt. It hurt! And everyone here was so damn determined for her to feel this stuff she’d been trying to suppress for all this time.
The second the first tear hit the pine needles, Lynn bolted. She ran like demons were chasing her, and maybe they were. Her demons. They’d tried to eat her alive but failed, and now she was caught in the in-between. Life and death, except the life part was pretend. She hadn’t been living for a long time. She’d been walking this earth a ghost, and now too many people were trying to do the impossible. They were trying to revive her.
“Lynn, stop!” Jathan yelled as his hand ripped her arm back. He spun her and gripped her shoulders when she balked.
“Not everyone is redeemable!” she screamed.
“You’re wrong! You’re wrong about you, Lynn.”