by Donald Wells
* * *
Christmas Day
Lindsay and Jason are spending the morning at her house and the afternoon at his. He told Lindsay her present was coming by special delivery and she soon fired off a barrage of questions.
“What is it Jason? Why couldn’t you bring it with you? How big is it?”
By the time Paul arrives, Lindsay is dying of curiosity.
“Close your eyes honey, it’s here.”
Jason turns to Lindsay’s mother, an older, duller version of Lindsay with auburn hair.
“Mrs. Parker, please make sure she doesn’t peek.”
Lindsay’s mother accomplishes this considerable feat by blindfolding Lindsay with a dishtowel. Paul’s older brother Mike has come along to help. It’s a good thing too; it’ll be a near nightmare squeezing the bear into Lindsay’s cramped bedroom.
Lindsay was right about her father, he does have a fit.
“What the hell is that?” He says at the sight of the bear.
He’s shushed by Lindsay’s mother, who says over and over, “Lindsay, you are just going to love this.”
Lindsay is released from the blindfold and flies upstairs with her parents following.
As she enters the room Jason tells her. “I hope you still like it because I can’t take it back.”
Lindsay stares at the huge bear, wide-eyed. “How did…? I thought it wasn’t for… how did you possibly…?”
By now, everyone in the room is laughing at her reaction. Finally, Lindsay finds enough of her voice to complete a sentence.
“Is it really all mine?”
“It’s all yours honey.”
Lindsay runs her hands over the bear’s soft fur in quiet astonishment. Then, she whirls about.
“Everybody out!”
She herds Paul and his brother Mike out of the room, followed by her mother and father. Her father utters a meek, “This is still my house young lady.” and is told, “Shut up Frank.” by Lindsay’s mother.
With everyone out of the room, Lindsay closes the door and turns to Jason.
“You are the sweetest man.” She says, as her face contorts and she cries fierce, hot tears.
“Honey, what’s wrong? You do like it don’t you?”
Lindsay croaks out, “I love it.”
“Then what’s wrong?” Jason pleads, trying to understand.
Lindsay sits on the floor at the bottom of the bear and looks up at Jason; her blue eyes are puffy from her sobbing, as she tells him. “Sometimes I think you’re just too good for me.”
Jason, shocked that anyone, but especially Lindsay could ever think such a thing, joins her on the floor and wipes away her tears.
“Honey, that’d be like wet being too good for water.”
This phrase strikes Lindsay as quirky and she begins to laugh. Jason starts laughing also, thankful that she’s coming out of this peculiar mood.
“Merry Christmas Lindsay.”
“Merry Christmas Jason.”
They lie at the foot of the wondrous bear, holding each other quietly for some time.
* * *
After returning home from Jason’s house on Christmas night, Lindsay flips on the light switch in her bedroom and closes the door.
She stands there looking at the giant bear that Jason has given her.
Soon, she turns off the light and lies on the bed, hugging herself, with her knees drawn upward. Her eyes sting as tears roll across her face. The tears remind her of the tears she’d cried while receiving the gift.
I ruined Christmas. My boyfriend worked his ass off so I could get this fantastic present and instead of being happy and smothering him with kisses, I cry like a baby and tell him I don’t deserve it. Happy holidays,
She knows why she cried. Lindsay knows. It was the guilt.
Three months ago she lured Jason to her bedroom for one reason—to fuck him. She was going to fuck Jason and make sure that Derek knew she had fucked Jason.
And then, what? Make-up with Derek? No, she hadn’t thought that far ahead, she simply wanted to hurt Derek the way he had hurt her. Jason was just a pawn to use, but Jason had other plans. He didn’t fuck her that day; he made love to her.
She was shocked by how gentle sex could be, how loving.
Derek was all about entering her as soon as possible and riding her for as long as possible. The one boyfriend she’d had sex with before Derek would ejaculate so quickly, that there were times she wasn’t sure she’d even been fully penetrated.
When Jason made love to her it was always more than sex.
She rises up into a sitting position on the bed, with her back against the headboard, and grabs the telephone off the bedside table.
I need someone to talk to, but who? Simone? Maybe she’ll tell Paul everything I say and then he’ll tell Jason. But no, that’s not Simone.
She reaches over and turns on the lamp to look through her address book and find Simone’s number.
She’s about to hang-up after six rings, but then a voice answers.
“Hello?”
“Simone? Hi, it’s Lindsay, did I wake you?”
“No, hi, Merry Christmas,”
“Merry Christmas,”
“So, did you have a beary Christmas? Oh, that’s a terrible pun, sorry.”
“How long did you know about it?”
“Paul told me about it today, God that boy Jason loves you.”
“I know.”
“So what’s up?”
“Can you talk for a while?”
“Honey we’ve got all night, there’s no school. Why Lindsay, is something wrong?”
“Yes.”
“Is it Jason? Did he do something?”
“No it’s not Jason, it’s about Jason though.”
“I’m listening.” Simone says.
Lindsay tells her everything, about her reaction to the bear, about using Jason, and about her guilt. When she finishes, she holds her breath while waiting for Simone’s reaction.
After a pause, Simone speaks.
“You’ve got to tell Jason how you feel.”
“Tell him why I seduced him? Simone, telling him that would break his heart,”
“I don’t think it will. Jason loves you, he’ll understand.”
Lindsay nods with the phone pressed to her ear. “You’re right, I’ll tell him soon.”
“Oh, but Lindsay, don’t say you seduced him, you know he thinks he seduced you.”
“The male ego,” They say in unison, laughing.
“Simone,”
“Yes?”
“I think you’re my new best friend.”
“I think of you that way also.” Simone says, and the two of them talk for hours.
5
Sunday January 10th, 1982 rolls in an unexpected snowstorm about two weeks too late for a white Christmas.
Jason’s parents are spending the weekend away, while his sister Angie has gone out with her boyfriend David. Jason has the house, and Lindsay, all to himself.
Lindsay looks out the living room’s bay window. “The snow’s pretty.”
“It sure is.” Jason says, standing behind her.
Lindsay takes a deep breath. I’ve put this off long enough. “Jason,”
“Yeah honey?”
“I’ve something to confess.”
“Confess? Confess what?”
She takes Jason by the hand and leads him to the sofa, where they sit facing each other. After nibbling her bottom lip, she speaks.
“Jason when we first got together I, I was trying to use you.”
“What do you mean, ‘use me,’ use me for what?”
“I was trying to make Derek jealous.”
Jason rises and stands back in front of the window, watching the snow fall like scattered cinders. For long seconds he’s silent, but then he asks.
“And your plan worked, didn’t it Lindsay?”
“Yes, I wanted to make him hurt. When I found Derek with Emily I knew she wasn’t the first
. Derek and I were, well, it, it wasn’t like it is with us. I never loved him, but he’s rich and handsome and I thought, who needs love? My mom loves my dad and he still cheated on her.”
Jason remains quiet, watching the snow.
“Jason I was his girlfriend but we never really did anything together, it was just sex.”
He turns and looks at her. “You were with him for over a year.”
“Well… it was good sex.” Lindsay says, and the moment the words leave her mouth she wishes to God that she could take them back, but they’re out there.
“Unlike sex with me, is that what you’re trying to tell me?” Jason says, his voice breaking with emotion, as he turns his back again.
“No! God no,” Lindsay goes to him at the window. “Oh, how do I explain this to you?” She turns him around and hugs him. “Hold me, please hold me.”
Softened by her plea, Jason wraps his arms around her. She trembles and he realizes she’s crying. They stand like that for a time, and then Lindsay speaks.
“I began seeing Derek when my parents started having problems. They were so wrapped up in their own troubles that I was invisible. I just wanted someone who knew I existed. Later, I realized that if we weren’t in bed, Derek would also ignore me. But you’re right, I stayed with him, but I stayed because I didn’t know any better. Until we got together I thought sex was all I could expect. I was your first woman in bed Jason, but you were my first man out of it.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re the only man who’s ever loved me. Derek didn’t, God knows, and from what I’ve seen of his mother, I don’t think he’s ever been loved either. How can you give something away you’ve never received? I watch your parents and I’m amazed, the way they love each other and the way they love you and Angie.”
“Your parents love you Lindsay.”
“But they don’t show it, love scares them, it scares most people.”
Jason looks at her with anxious eyes. “The only thing in life I fear is losing you.”
Lindsay pushes back from him, startled.
“You don’t think I’m trying to break up do you?”
“That’s what it sounded like.”
“No, I was only apologizing for using you to get back at Derek.”
“That’s all this is?”
“It’s been making me feel so guilty. I tried using you and all you ever do is love me.”
“Jesus Lindsay, when you said you had something to confess, I thought you were going to tell me you were seeing someone else, and when you mentioned Derek…”
“Oh Jason, Derek is history.”
“He wants you back; he’d be a fool not to.”
“Derek was only trying to start trouble on Christmas Eve.”
“Fuck Derek!” Jason says.
“I’d rather fuck you.”
Jason brushes back her long hair. “Such language from a young lady,”
“If you think I talk dirty, wait till you see how I act upstairs.”
“Upstairs? In my bed?”
Lindsay takes him by the hand and they head up to his room.
“Lindsay,”
“Yes?”
“I forgive you for using me.”
“I know Boomer. I know because you love me.”
Outside the snow deepens and winter advances.
* * *
Derek sits at the bar inside the Ocean Beach Hotel, while looking out the immense window that forms the back wall; it grants an impressive view of the beach and boardwalk. Outside is a winter wonderland, six inches of snow and more on the way.
Derek sighs. I hate winter.
Harry the bartender hangs up the phone. “She’s on her way, but she’s not happy.”
“Screw her.” Derek says.
Harry nods. “That’s the story of her life.”
Derek looks around the sparsely populated bar and sees a familiar face, Number 73. She’s with a man old enough to be her father, and he probably is judging by the resemblance.
Derek smiles at her and she sends him a cold look back.
Oh well, c’est la vie.
Harry stares at Derek, his soft, round face is a study in curiosity.
“Hey Derek, why do you want to see Barbara? Don’t tell me you’re payin’ for it now?”
“Goodbye Harry.” Derek says. Harry shrugs and walks away.
A while later, a young woman enters wearing jeans and a Rutgers College sweatshirt. She talks to Harry, who then points to Derek.
She walks over to Derek with a smile on her face.
“Hi, I’m Barbara Jones and I hope you’re going to make this worth my while.”
“I’m Derek and this is for you.”
Derek places two hundred-dollar bills on the bar and slides them across to Barbara. Barbara stuffs them into her pocket.
“Let’s get a table and talk.” Derek says.
Harry brings their drinks and then reluctantly walks away.
Barbara points at Harry. “He didn’t say what this was about.”
“That’s because Harry doesn’t know anything.”
Barbara sizes up Derek and nods to herself, “Let me just say that I don’t do kink and I don’t do backdoor, just straight stuff, one guy at a time and extra for any blowjobs.”
“Sounds fair enough, but what are you talking about?”
“You’re hiring me for a bachelor party, right?”
“Wrong, something else,”
“Hey listen, I’m not a hooker. I only do this to pay my tuition; I’m really just a college student.”
Perfect, she’ll do fine.
“I want you to sleep with one guy; you may not even have to sleep with him, but it has to look like you’re together, understand?”
“Yeah I get it, it’s like a joke right?”
Derek grins. “Yes, a very funny joke.”
“You know Derek, two hundred is twice my normal fee, do you want a refund?”
Derek stares at the petite, dark-haired girl and takes her hand.
“How about you keep all the money and I get a free sample of your work?”
Barbara rises from the booth, pulling Derek along by the hand.
“Let’s go boss.”
“Goodbye Harry.” Derek waves, as he walks out of the bar with Number 154.
6
Jason and Paul are searching for Valentine’s Day gifts at the mall. After a fruitless hour of browsing they decide to take a break and grab a bite in the food court.
“I haven’t seen anything that Simone would want.” Paul says. “I think I’m just going to go the candy and flowers route.”
“I know; women are hard to shop for.” Jason says.
Paul looks thoughtful and reclines his long, lean body back in his seat.
“Little Brother, how are things with you and Lindsay?”
“Uh oh, you called me ‘Little Brother’, that means I’m about to get some advice, you know you’re only a month older than I am.”
“No advice, I’m just curious. I thought Lindsay was only seeing you to make Derek jealous, but you’ve been together for months now so I guess I was wrong about her.”
Jason looks at his friend and thinks that Paul must be psychic or something. He always seems to know everyone’s motives. Paul wants to be a cop and Jason thinks he’ll be a great one.
“Big Brother,”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t worry, she loves me.”
Paul smiles, “Then all’s right with the world Little Brother.” and then he looks forlornly at his empty paper plate. “I’m going to grab another burger; you want something else, my treat?”
“No thanks, I’ll just sip on my soda.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.”
Shortly after Paul leaves, Barbara Jones, hooker/college student/Number 154 sits down across from Jason. “Hi Tony, long time no see.”
“I’m sorry you’ve got the wrong guy. I’m not Tony.”
“Well you’re as
cute as Tony.”
Jason smiles, “Then Tony must be gorgeous.”
Barbara laughs, she then gets up and walks behind Jason. While hugging him, she whispers. “Feel those tits? How’d you like to be sucking on them back at my place?”
Jason, rendered motionless by the strangeness of the situation, now jumps up, shrugging Barbara off his back.
“Lady you’ve got the wrong guy.”
Barbara smiles up at him.
“It’s a damn shame, you look like fun. Bye-bye,”
Jason watches her leave with a perplexed look on his face.
What the hell was that?
Paul comes back with not one more, but two more burgers.
“Don’t let Lindsay catch you looking at another girl’s ass that way.”
“Did you see what she did?”
“No, why what happened?” Paul asks, and Jason tells him.
“Strange, it must be your animal magnetism.”
“Must be a full Moon tonight,”
“Must be,” Paul agrees.
Nearby, Harry the bartender, with camera in hand, heads for a film developer.
* * *
The photos come in the mail on the thirteenth of February.
Lindsay recognizes the handwriting.
Derek, what now?
Across the top of the envelope is written, Photos—do not bend
Lindsay throws the envelope into the wastebasket.
Lindsay takes the envelope out of the wastebasket.
She cannot resist.
She takes the packet to her room and sits on the edge of the bed, holding it.
After taking a deep breath, she opens it.
There are six photos in all, four by six, in color.
There’s also a note.
Lindsay,
I was at the mall getting film when I looked over in the food court and spotted Jason and that girl I was telling you about. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here are six thousand words. I would have taken more, but I didn’t want to risk being spotted.
You broke up with me over cheating. What about Jason?
Is he forgiven? I hope not. That would make you a hypocrite, wouldn’t it?
As you can see, she’s petite. I bet she can bend into all sorts of interesting positions. You know it’s funny, at Christmas you accused me of making her up, well, now you know she exists.