by Donald Wells
“I started this one. I finished it too!”
Jason stares at the boy, taken aback by his anger.
“Tell me what happened.”
Paul begins to speak, but stops when Simone enters the room.
Simone’s eyes shoot daggers at her son. “You’d better explain yourself young man and you’d better do it now.”
“Mom, I had a good reason to fight. Danny insulted Jenny in front of everybody.”
“You split his lip open for merely saying something? You started this fight? Danny needs stitches Paul. I’ve sent the other kids home and now I have to take him to the hospital. Congratulations, you’ve ruined your own party, a party Jenny spent days cooking for by the way. What did Danny say that was so bad you had to hit him?”
Paul Jr. shakes his head no. “I can’t repeat it to you, I can’t. It was filthy.”
“I don’t care if he cursed like a sailor; you tell me what he said.”
Jason speaks up. “Simone, there are some things a boy doesn’t want to repeat to his mother, why don’t you let me fill you in later.”
Simone considers. “All right, Paul we’ll talk when your father gets home, he’s going to love this. I’ll be back soon Jason, oh, Jenny’s upset, Lindsay is with her upstairs.”
“Okay, I’ll check on her after Paul and I talk.”
Simone looks back at Paul Jr. and her face softens. “Are you all right?”
“Yes mom.”
Simone kisses him on the cheek and gives him a short hug; she then smacks him solidly on the back of the head and leaves.
Jason and Paul sit looking at each other.
“I’m waiting.” Jason says.
Paul swallows once and then starts talking. “I was telling Jenny how special a gift cooking for me was when Danny opened his filthy mouth, he said…”
“It’s okay Paul, what did he say?”
Paul looks down at the floor as he speaks. “Danny said that if Jenny wanted to give me a special gift, she, she should’ve just fucked me the way she used to fuck her father.”
What follows is silence.
Finally, Jason speaks. “I hope you hit him very hard.”
Paul looks up and grins. “I did, as hard as I could.”
Jason stands. “I’ll explain what happened to your parents.” Paul Jr. also rises and Jason shakes his hand. “Thank you, for defending her when I couldn’t.”
“You never have to thank me for that Uncle Jason, you know?”
“I do now. Go wash up, you’ve got blood on your knuckles. I’ll go check on Jennifer.”
Jason finds Lindsay and Jenny in an upstairs bathroom, Jenny sits on the closed lid of the commode, her eyes are red from crying and Lindsay is swabbing her face with a damp washcloth.
“How are you baby? Are you feeling better?” Jason asks.
Jenny nods her head yes, but doesn’t meet his eyes.
“Honey, Jason and I will be downstairs, when you’re ready come down and we’ll leave when Simone returns, all right?” Lindsay says.
Jenny nods her head again. Jason kisses her on the cheek and then he and Lindsay go downstairs to the Martinez’s kitchen, where Jason relays Danny’s vile remark to Lindsay.
“That little bastard!” Lindsay says. “Why would he purposely try to hurt her like that?”
“The world’s full of assholes, this one just happens to be fifteen.”
Simone comes home and Jason, Lindsay and Jenny return to the cabin.
Jenny stays in her room the rest of the night and doesn’t touch her supper.
* * *
The next day, Jenny still appears depressed and barely says a word to anyone. She doesn’t feel like cooking and spends most of her time in her room.
Two days later, after a therapy session, the doctor asks to speak to Jason and Lindsay while Jenny waits for them in the reception area.
Dr. Jacobs is a serene woman of palpable intelligence and compassion, whose dark hair and trim figure belie her fifty-seven-years of age.
At Simone’s recommendation, Jenny started seeing the doctor after moving in with the Reynolds and doctor and patient seem a good fit.
The doctor sits behind her modern glass top desk, reading her notes, subsequently, she speaks.
“Jenny’s depression worries me because of her previous suicide attempt, however, let me stress that I in no way consider her to be suicidal at this time. I’m hoping that she comes out of this soon on her own, if not, there are drugs that may help, and if necessary, hospitalization.”
“Oh God, what happened doctor? I know that boy’s remark hurt, but this has to be something more.” Lindsay says.
“You’re correct, the boy’s words merely acted as the trigger for an episode of emotional shutdown. Right now Jenny feels nothing, good or bad, she won’t allow herself to because of the pain she’s carrying around.”
Dr. Jacobs stops talking and looks as though she’s debating something within herself, after a deep sigh, she continues.
“Jenny’s father was a sly seducer. When she was younger he plied her with gifts, building trust slowly while pushing the boundaries of intimacy between them. Later, while abusing her with penetration, he seduced her further by bringing her pleasure.
“Her guilt comes from her body’s betrayal. At times she would experience… satisfaction. This was simply her body responding to stimulus, but in her mind this created an enormous amount of culpability and guilt. By becoming numb, she’s trying to escape her shame. She’s lived in terror for years, her time with you, the love you give her, is healing, but Jenny thinks herself unworthy of love and so the very thing she craves and needs, she rejects.”
“Doctor, is there anything more we can do?” Jason asks.
“Be gentle. I know seeing her this way is painful and frustrating, but Jenny has to go through this alone. Please call me daily and let me know how she’s doing. If there’s no improvement by next week we’ll make a decision regarding drugs or hospitalization.”
They gather Jenny and return home. Over the next week her depression worsens. She stops going to school and begins staying in her room in her nightgown, later, she ceases talking.
* * *
Tuesday morning, April 7th, 5:28 a.m.
Jason climbs out of bed after a restless night and leaves Lindsay tossing fitfully.
After hearing of Jenny’s worsening condition, Dr. Jacobs plans to place her in the hospital for observation and treatment.
Jason dons a robe and goes into the hall, Jenny’s door is open, the bedroom empty.
He makes his way to the kitchen, while praying that he’ll find her cooking, and instead, he finds the kitchen vacant and Jenny nowhere in the house. He resists the urge to panic and heads toward the last place she might be. While on his way to the cottage, he spots her.
Jason walks over to where she sits on the granite bench and settles down beside her in a dusky, pre-dawn glow. If Jenny notices him, she shows no sign of it, but simply sits, gazing out at the brightening horizon, beyond the undulating sea.
“This is where we began.” Jason says. “What was it? Seven? No, eight, eight years ago. Lindsay and I had only been home for a short time after… our travels. I came out to get firewood and found you sitting in the very spot you sit now.” Jason looks to his left at Jenny; she shows no indication of having even heard him. He takes a deep breath, letting the sea air fill his lungs, then exhaling, he talks on.
“We were still mending then, still fragile, I remember Lindsay crying when she saw you, just seeing another little girl then made her ache for Simona, it still does at times.
“From that first day, you entered our hearts and built a home, you became Lindsay’s Little Girl and my Jennifer.”
He stops talking and gazes out at the sea with a look of absolute pain, as the sun inches its way above the horizon. His right hand drifts to the gouged-out spot on the side of the bench, and he fingers it, like an open wound. After sighing, he continues.
“Dr. Ja
cobs tells us you consider yourself unworthy of our love. You couldn’t be more wrong if you tried, you think we give you love, and we do, but we’re only returning the love you’ve given us. You saved us Jennifer, Lindsay and I, we came back here to build a new life and we found that new life, in you. We knew you barely a day when you said you loved us, if, if you only knew what hearing those words from a child meant to us then, you would never again think yourself unworthy of being loved.”
Jenny turns and looks at him, her unkempt hair flies in all directions amid the breeze gusting off the ocean, while her astonishing blue eyes show signs of life that Jason hasn’t seen there in days.
“Hello baby.” Jason says, smiling, and then he squints as the rising sun douses the night.
Jason again looks out at the sea, agonized, this time Jenny notices the look on his face.
“I haven’t watched a sunrise since the day Simona died. I never thought I’d see one ever again. Simona loved watching the sun rise, the sunball she called it.
“She would dance and sing as it rose out of the ocean. It never meandered for her, I swear for her it leapt into the sky, eager to give her a… another day.” And here the grief overwhelms him, and he erupts in tears, his chest heaving in convulsions of anguish.
Jenny is shaken from her despair by Jason’s obvious pain and reaches out to him, taking him into her arms. She holds him as he sobs unrelentingly. “It’ll be okay.” She says. “It’ll be okay.”
In time, his tears diminish and as Jenny releases him he looks into her eyes, and then quickly looks away, disconcerted by his outpouring of angst in the presence of this wounded child.
Jason wipes away his tears. “I’m sorry. I came over here to cheer you up and I wind up crying like a baby on your shoulder. I just miss Simona so much, and finding you here, near the cliff, when you’ve been so depressed… I started fearing…”
“Jason, you thought I might try and kill myself again?”
“I didn’t know what to think, we’ve been so scared for you lately baby, so worried.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking of suicide. I only felt the need to be outside. I’ve just been numb since that party. When Danny said—what he said, I felt so worthless and unacceptable. You and Lindsay make me feel so safe, so normal, and Danny took that away.”
“You’re normal Jennifer; you just have a lot of pain. Danny must have his own pain, to of said what he did, being mean is only his way of handling it, whatever it is.”
Jenny looks thoughtful. “I think you’re right. I never thought of it that way.”
They sit quietly, to their left the pines sway gently in the wind as birds flutter among the branches, the sun, now fully above the water, commences its daily trek across the sky.
Jenny turns to Jason. “I love you… daddy.”
Jason smiles at her, and reaching over he takes her hand and squeezes it tenderly.
“I love you too daughter.”
Father and daughter sit in the sun of a new day, a new and brighter day.
45
“Hey Derek, ready for another mind fuck?”
Derek glares at the weaseled-faced prison trusty Rosen, with a sour look. Once a week he has to come to building F and see Dr. Baxter, the prison psychiatrist, and once a week Baxter opens up his mind like a toy chest and takes out something to amuse himself.
“Tell me something Rosen, how do I get assigned a different psychiatrist?”
Rosen smiles crookedly. “You don’t. It’s the luck of the draw. There are three of them and the other two are only trying to pull down a check, but this guy Baxter wants to cure the world. I’ve seen guys tougher than you come out of there crying, he’s a mind fucker all right.”
Derek wipes his hands on his pant legs and enters the small, windowless office, where he takes his seat across the desk from Dr. Baxter.
God, how I hate this prick,
The doctor looks up and Derek gives him a warm smile.
“Good morning Dr. Baxter.”
“Hello Derek, still trying to con me with that politician’s smile I see.”
“Con you? Doctor, I’m not trying to con you.”
Baxter looks at Derek with an amused smirk and a gray-eyed stare.
He’s staring again, fuck, I swear this cocksucker can read minds. Calm down Derek, relax, it’s only an hour and after that you can leave.
Baxter stops staring and makes a call.
“Mr. Rosen, Derek and I need to have a nice, long chat today. Tell the guard to read a book.”
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! “Excuse me doctor, but did you just extend this session?”
“That’s right Derek, for six months you’ve wasted my time, that ends with this session.”
“Doctor I may have to come here, but I don’t have to say anything I don’t want to.”
“But you do, don’t you? Things slip out don’t they? The rapes you committed while still a teenager, your hatred for your mother, your hatred of Jason Reynolds and your alleged love for Lindsay Reynolds. Although how you could ever rape someone you love is beyond me, but I digress. No Derek, little by little I’ll learn all your secrets.”
Don’t let him get to you Derek, smile and stay calm.
“Whatever you say doctor,”
“Derek, I’m good at what I do. I can tell you things about yourself that you would never admit, such as your obvious abuse as a child. The consequences of this abuse manifest themselves in your inability to be intimate, and the most raging case of Satyriasis I’ve ever seen.”
As Baxter talks, he slings one leg lazily over the other at the knee. His graying blond hair is slicked back and falls to his collar, which is open at the neck.
“You think I’m a satyr, doctor? I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“It’s not meant that way, believe me. Derek there are eighty-two women prisoners serving time here, if my grapevine is reliable, you’ve slept with most of them, and possibly some of the female staff.”
“Which would seem to argue against your charge that I have a problem with intimacy,”
“Sex isn’t necessarily intimate.”
Derek grins. “It is the way I do it.”
“Did you like having power over your daughter? It was nice to be the master and not the slave, wasn’t it?”
“I’ve told you before, it was consensual.”
“You raped that girl for years, just as you yourself were raped for years. Who taught you to use people Derek? Was it your mother? Did your mother touch you when you were young? Buy you with gifts? How old were you that first time, twelve? Eleven? If you don’t want to talk, then I’ll talk, but either way, the truth will come out in this room.”
Derek’s left eye twitches as he clenches his fists.
“My mother is off limits doctor.”
“Fine then, we’ll come back to mom. How do you feel about Jason Reynolds?”
“I despise him.” Derek answers, pleased to see the doctor headed down another track. “He takes away everything that’s mine, first Lindsay, and then Simona and now Jenny, God I hate him, him and his perfect fucking family and his fucking all-American good looks. Now his mother, there’s a bitch. She used to send him to school every day with a note in his lunchbox telling him she loved him, and he was embarrassed by it, embarrassed! The lucky shit should’ve had my mother, that cunt used to—”
Derek stops talking, appalled by his ranting, and stares at Dr. Baxter.
Baxter nods solemnly. “All roads lead to mom Derek. I can help you, I really can, but you have to open up.”
I need to waste some time. Derek points to the coffeemaker in the corner. “May I?”
“Help yourself.” Baxter says.
While Derek pours a cup, he glances over at the desk, and that’s when he sees the picture. A look of recognition and a broad smile light his face. He sits and ignores his coffee.
“Are you ready to talk Derek?”
“Yes, eager in fact. Let’s explore this Satyriasis theory; you ma
y be on to something. I’ve fucked so many women doctor, thousands, like the stars, in fact, I remember each and every one.”
“You feel a compulsion don’t you? You’ve tried to fight it, but you can’t. This impulse for constant sex is a response to the pain of your molestation. You grew up feeling powerless, alone, sex makes you feel powerful while granting you a false sense of intimacy, however the pain only—”
“Last October,” Derek interjects, cutting Baxter off. “I met this woman at a fundraiser, she was married but her husband was out of town, at a conference I believe; now Shannon, that was her name, she was one memorable piece of ass. Do you go to many conferences doctor?”
Baxter looks across at Derek and says nothing.
Derek smiles at him and continues. “I recall the house was filled with copies of Van Gogh’s. I see you have a Van Gogh print hanging here, Portrait of Dr. Gachet, if I’m not mistaken, quite a coincidence.”
Baxter sighs. “It won’t work Derek, extrapolating my taste in art from my office to my home won’t send me into a fit of jealousy. Nice try, but my wife and I are very happy, oh, and don’t bother describing her, I saw you look at the picture on my desk and I’ve mentioned her name before… I must have. Now, back to you, at what age did your mother first molest you?”
Derek looks up as if trying to remember something. “The bedroom was blue, no dark blue with white trim, an ornate headboard with matching tables and a big TV, a floor model in the left corner, and a dog that kept scratching at the door, an Irish setter with a funny name, hmm, now what was that dog’s name? Oh well, it’ll come to me.”
Baxter gets up and pours his own cup of coffee, then like Derek, he sits without drinking it.
He stares at Derek again, but this time his eyes aren’t prying, they’re frightened.
Baxter looks away and clears his throat.
“Maybe an extended session isn’t warranted after all, you seem hostile and uncooperative. In fact, we’ll end this session early, goodbye Derek.”
Derek feigns looking mystified, while spreading his hands apart.
“But doctor, I feel as if we’re reaching a breakthrough in our relationship, a new understanding. Incidentally, did I mention the woman was insatiable? Why she even begged me to fuck her in the ass, a damn tight fit it was too.”