Monica’s father’s arrival on the scene meant that Kenny now had an attentive grandfather who fixed him lavish breakfasts and horsed around with him. Monica’s father also gave her advice on how to raise Kenny to be independent. “Don’t baby him. He’s got to grow up and be a man,” he told her. “He’s got to have some responsibility and be able to think on his own.”
But their reunion lasted only a few years. In the summer of 1999, doctors diagnosed Monica’s dad with stomach cancer. As Monica joined her sister Paulette in caring for their father, she helped him get his affairs in order and came to know intimate details of his life. Her father, she realized, didn’t have a relationship with his own father. That fact helped explain many of his parenting failures.
Shortly before he passed away in 2002, he thanked Monica for her love. “I didn’t think you would be here for me like this,” he said. “Of course I would,” she replied.
Then he asked her to forgive him. She didn’t hesitate. “If you need me to forgive you so you can go in peace, then I do,” she told him. “But you’re my dad and I love you.”
In fact, Monica realized, if she hadn’t let him back into her life after Kennedy was born, she would have missed out on one of the closest friends and supporters she ever had.
On the last day that she saw her father, she remembers, he asked her to bathe him because he did not want the nurses to do it. Performing that final act of kindness toward her dad showed just how far they had come. Her father passed away a day later.
Not a trace of bitterness taints Monica’s reflections about her father. Believe it or not, she even gives thanks to God for her topsy-turvy childhood. Spending her childhood being bounced between two sets of parents ended up turning her into a fierce advocate for her daughter. “A lot of the strength I have to deal with Kennedy is because of the adversity I grew up with,” she explained. “I know what it feels like to be abandoned by your parents.”
It hurt her, she admitted, when she stood at her father’s coffin during the funeral and heard someone say, “Who is she?” Only a few of the people there recognized her.
Yet that moment shaped her. “I never want my child to feel unloved,” Monica has vowed to herself.
Monica is a tremendous caregiver, who always finds the right words to say. “I don’t believe God allows things to happen in your life to make you bitter. It’s only to make you better.
“You look at the mistakes your parents have made, and you can always learn from them,” she said. If you don’t learn anything else from your father except how not to treat a child, that’s still an important lesson, she believes.
Chapter 5
RAMECK
What I Know Best
SOMEHOW I NEVER HATED my dad, although I hated the drugs that consumed his life. And as I grew up, I found myself wondering about him constantly, seeking to learn as much as I could about this man who contributed half of my identity. Now that I’ve got my answers, I know how important it is to examine your father’s life and the circumstances that turned him into the man he became. And don’t be surprised if you dig up some facts that explain your father’s actions, and make him less of a villain in your eyes.
The main thing the three of us recognized while researching this book is that fathers who are emotionally or physically absent tend to have something in common: they lacked role models themselves.
It can be painful beyond belief to swallow your pride and reach out to a father who abandoned you physically or emotionally. In some extreme cases, the hurt may just be too deep for you to forgive. But there are many fathers and children whose relationships are worth salvaging. The hard truth is that you may have to make the first move.
My story is proof that sometimes a son has to take it upon himself to bridge the gap when a father can’t. In many failed father-son relationships, the father is so ashamed of how he has messed up that he doesn’t have the confidence to reach out to his son. Think about the way men typically act in relationships. Men tend to apologize by showing they care, rather than saying “I’m sorry” outright. Many grown children find their fathers are remorseful later in life but have no idea how to begin to express their sorrow.
Reconciling may not be right for every father-child pair. If you really need your father to apologize for hurting you, and he isn’t able to, then your bond may be irreparable. But many people, like me, know that healing takes place when a father feels his son has forgiven his flaws. That’s why I kept encouraging my father and why I forgave him even when he didn’t forgive himself.
When I finally developed a close relationship with my father, it was too late for him to teach me to drive a car or dribble a basketball. Our relationship couldn’t be what I had long hoped for and envisioned. Still, I wanted him in my life, late or not. I really believe in the Serenity Prayer, which says we need to change what we can and accept the things we cannot change.
How to initiate the relationship? If you’re uneasy, you probably ought to start with the straightforward approach, and tell him you want to know more about what shaped him as a dad. If you’re uncomfortable with that, there are activities that many grown sons can initiate without feeling foolish. It’s too late for him to come to your high school basketball game, but it’s not too late to watch the NBA finals together.
Even at this late date, there’s something you can learn from your dad. He certainly holds the key to half of your ancestry, so asking about his family history is one way to open the door to a useful conversation. Or you can ask your father how he manages his money, fixes a leaky faucet, or prepares a food you remember from childhood.
In The Pact, we named three keys to success, “the three D’s”: Determination, Dedication, and Discipline.
Sampson, who forged a better understanding of his father through the course of writing this book, has come up with three unforgettable F’s to help build the bonds between fathers and sons: Forgive, Forge an appropriate relationship, and move Forward.
He began by deciding that it was time to forgive, that it didn’t make sense to hang on to the resentment any longer. Why did his father leave? Why didn’t he open up more? Why didn’t they play sports together? These questions used to tear Sampson up inside, but finally he realized the ill feelings prevented him from growing, from allowing himself to feel emotions, and from communicating with his father. Forgiving his father, he found, allowed healing. It didn’t make Sam weak or vulnerable; it enabled him to be strengthened.
The second F is to forge an appropriate relationship. Understand that it won’t be perfect. In fact, it can feel downright awkward at first. If you need an idea for an activity, why not invite your father fishing? I know it sounds silly, but I learned while researching this book how I’m not the only man to reach adulthood wishing his father had taught him to fish. I learned from psychologist Mark Kiselica, a fatherlessness expert, that it’s common to hear men who grew up without fathers say wistfully that they never had a chance to go fishing with their dads. For some reason, it’s a universal yearning. Being in a boat together, dad and son sharing a quiet moment, seems to be the quintessential quality-time activity in most sons’ eyes. Your fishing trip might end up being a comedy of errors, if neither of you knows how to do it. But at least you will have reversed a harmful cycle.
During that glorious weekend visit at his father’s house, Sampson decided it was time to grow, which brings me to the third F, move forward. You can’t change the past, nor can you predict the future, but you can save today by moving forward, making the most of the moments you have left with your father. As the present becomes the past, you’ll find that you created some new memories to replace the old ones. And then you will have something to hold on to.
Postscript
SO WHAT IS THE mission that’s staring at us, waiting to be undertaken? It’s the huge task of halting the rise of uninvolved fatherhood. We desperately need more men willing to stop the cycle, more men willing to break the harmful fathering patterns that existed in their p
ast, more men who will adopt the attitude “Be better, not bitter” and serve as role models to others.
We must do this quickly, because society is rapidly adjusting to the trend of absentee fathers. For the first time in American history, more women are living without husbands than with them. The New York Times reported that, in 2005, fifty-one percent of all American women were living without a husband, up from thirty-five percent in 1950, according to the newspaper’s analysis of U.S. Census data.
It’s time to remind today’s fathers of how critical their presence is in their children’s lives. How is it possible that people are still having unprotected sex? As Rameck says, “Why aren’t fathers sitting their sons down and telling them, ‘Never bring a baby into the world that you aren’t prepared to love and guide’?” It’s also a father’s job to tell his daughter, bluntly, “Never let a man disrespect you.”
Although we’ve focused on fathers and sons in this book, we don’t want to overlook the critical fact that a father serves as a girl’s first role model on how a man should treat a woman. We know one young woman who said she felt so ignored by her father that it led her to her first sexual encounter at age thirteen. As her name made its way around the locker room, athletes and other people guys sought her out, which gave her a rush. “I wanted the love,” she said. But although she had a lot of sex partners, she never found one meaningful relationship. “While I was doing it, it really tore my self-esteem down,” she said.
Research suggests that if fathers took the time to focus on their daughters, more young women would avoid teen pregnancy and other problems that limit their futures. Having Dad as your cheerleader can help a girl jump over some serious hurdles.
This is a lesson we’ve learned from Camille, our friend from medical school. Camille’s father made her feel that she could accomplish anything. He helped her with her homework. He admired her poetry and kept copies of it in his desk. And he never missed any of her athletic events. At one high school track meet, she ran in a 400-meter race and got so tired halfway through that she contemplated giving up. Suddenly, she heard a familiar voice shouting, “Go, Camille! Go, Camille!” She looked up and couldn’t help but smile. There her father stood, with a bag of orange slices, urging her to keep going. The oranges gave her energy, and so did his words. She made it to the finish line.
What propelled Camille to become a successful doctor? She’s convinced that it’s the support of her father that gave her the courage to stay focused. “Most of my friends who have done very well had a strong father presence,” she told us.
Every son and every daughter deserves this kind of dad. Yet so many fathers make excuses—and nothing will change until we make this pattern of behavior inexcusable and obsolete.
We’ve written this book to give voice to America’s fatherless kids. We’re saying what they don’t have the insight or the courage to say: We need you in our lives, Fathers. We need you to tell us about our shared heritage, to give us your attention, to be proud of us. We don’t want to be an after-thought—we want to be part of your identity.
It’s so important that talking about fatherhood start to trump men’s daily discussions of mindless stuff. Many young people have told us that they followed the advice in The Pact and joined with their friends to achieve their goals. We believe that we can channel that same energy, that same positive peer pressure, to change the very way that fathering is viewed. Want to transform our world? We can do it by realizing out collective power to uplift and challenge our friends who are ignoring their responsibilities as fathers. We need to extend an invitation to these men, but it needs to be a warm and welcoming one. We’ve got to each the men who say, “How can I take care of somebody else when I can’t even take care of myself?” We need to let them know that it doesn’t cost anything to let a child bask in your attention.
Using Sabu’s experiences as a blueprint and working with the National Fatherhood Initiative, we’ve put together a format that you can use to wake up and energize the fathers in your life and community. To take part, all you have to do is host a roundtable discussion in your community and get men talking about the importance of fatherhood. Join our movement, and start an “Each one teach one” ripple effect in your own city. To learn more, go to www.threedoctors.com.
Remember, we’re all in this together.
Acknowledgments
WE WOULD LIKE to start off by collectively thanking our publisher, Riverhead. When we first thought about writing The Bond, there were many unforeseen obstacles in the way. But our publisher stood by us, never giving up. To Susan Petersen Kennedy, thank you for believing in us and for seeing the potential in this book. Marilyn Ducksworth is the best director of publicity we have ever met—thanks for being so supportive. To Geoff Kloske, our publisher, thank you for believing in us and keeping the ball rolling. And to our editor, Jake Morrissey, thank you for letting us do what we do. We had an awesome time writing this book with your guidance. And finally to the staff at Riverhead and Penguin for working so hard on this book.
Next, we would like to thank our fathers for participating in this project. We know that it wasn’t easy letting the world in on the personal experiences and choices that shaped your lives and our relationships over the years. This process has not only helped our relationships and brought us closer together, but it also has the potential to bring countless families closer together.
We want to thank all the people who helped contribute to this book: Monica, Najee, Quameen, Will, Reggie, Sabu, Serron, Maurice, Al-Tereek, Darrell, and Shahid. We know that you didn’t have to share your intimate and personal stories with us and the world, but we appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts.
We also want to thank Margaret Bernstein, who collaborated with us on this book. Margaret, you brilliantly captured our thoughts and personalities on these pages. And we’re grateful to your family for allowing you to devote yourself to the project.
To all our supporters, we love you. There is so much we want to do. We want to be role models for those with dreams. We want to put a human face to education and health that people everywhere can look to for inspiration and motivation.
To Windy Smith, director of the the Three Doctors Foundation, thank you for all that you have done throughout the years. To our volunteers—Lloyd, Sherifa, Yolanda, Gail, Janell, Baron, Michelle, Tanisha, and Maurice—thank you for your commitment and unselfish dedication.
And we want to thank you, the reader, for supporting us over the years. The only reason we have been able to do this at all is because of you. We truly hope you enjoy this book and all the projects that we do.
SAMPSON DAVIS
All praises and glory to God, who has brought me through so many challenges. His miracle lives in me. My purpose in life is to follow the paths He leads me upon.
To Mom, thank you for being you. Your love for life is embodied in everything you do. You are and will always be my hero, To my brothers and sisters—Kenny, Andre, Carlton, and Roselene—I love you all. To my sister Fellease, I miss you so much. I wish you were here.
To Melissa, I love you. You make the difference in my life.
To my circle of friends, thank you for all that you do. Your constant insight, candid honesty, and genuine care keep me going. My work is an extension of each and every one of you.
To my ER family at Raritan Bay, St. Mike’s, and Beth Israel hospitals, thanks for the good times. Where else can one say they save lives for a living? Cheers to the real ER!
To my brothers, Rameck and George, our bond is a testament of God’s reach. Our efforts to give back keep my passion for life alive. Our movement is priceless and ageless. To save one individual makes it all worth it. Reaching thousands has put us in another realm.
In closing, I leave you with this: My phone rang on a Wednesday morning in May 2007, not long after we completed the final draft of this book. It was around six-thirty A.M. My heart raced as I reached for the phone. I knew what it was: My father had passed away.
While I was there, a cousin handed me one of my old resumes from more than ten years ago. “How did you get this?” I asked. Unbeknownst to me, Pop had made copies of it and had sent them out to all his relatives in South Carolina.
“He was so proud of you,” my cousin said, hugging me.
I knew then how important it is to feel a father’s love.
I feel my father’s presence in everything I do. Pop, I will continue to make you proud, and I hope this book will help to build bridges and close gaps between fathers and their children.
GEORGE JENKINS
I would like to thank all of the men who had on impact on me as I was trying my best along my journey into manhood. George Jenkins, Sr., Heywood Mack, Robert Williams, Eddie Williams, Joseph Williams, Ronald Williams, Luther Williams, James Graves, Bernard Williams, Sr., Shahid Jackson, Sr., Albert Brown, Jean Charles, Dr. Kenneth Chance, Dr. George Mcgloughlin, Dr. Robert Johnson, Mr. Lonnie Wright, Dr. Cosmo Desteno, Dr. Robert Saporito, Dr. Dennis Mitchell, Dr. Allan Formicloa, and Dr. Ira Lamster. The time I spent with each of these gentlemen was invaluable. I have taken something from each of them that has helped shape me into the person I am today, and I want to say thank you.
I also want to thank Sam and Rameck, as we raised each other into men, and taught each other countless lessons on manhood through our friendship.
The Bond: Three Young Men Learn to Forgive and Reconnect With Their Fathers Page 26