by Wendy Bayne
She took a sip before she continued her story. “It was easy for us to keep our secrets in Cornwall, it’s very isolated there and I was an old friend to the neighbourhood and a generous employer. The locals trust me implicitly, having been the only family member to use the property in a generation. I also turn a blind eye to their bit of smuggling and I aided them when times were harsh. In turn, they don’t gossip about what goes on in my home.” She smiled, adding, “Remarkably loyal people the Cornish.”
She took another sip of her brandy and as I listened to her I had to conclude that there might be more to my aunt than I’d realised. I was sure I’d find out even more about her now that she had attached herself to our party headed for London. At least she was willing to tell me the truth about my birth, so I was inclined to trust her for now. She repositioned her spectacles and continued, “Where was I? Oh yes…as your mother’s time came closer I sent for a midwife that could be trusted, that being your maid’s mother, Jennie Abel. You were delivered on a terribly stormy night which had delayed your father’s arrival from France. But arrive he did, just minutes before you came into this world.” She paused staring into space as if she was transported back to that night. “It had been Charlotte’s deepest desire to see you before she died. She so wanted to know who she had sacrificed everything for. But as you came into this world, Charlotte passed out of it. She never saw you and tis a pity too, you were such a beautiful baby.”
My mind had finally caught up with her story. “Wait a minute, my father was there!” My voice caught in my throat. “You said they’re both alive. Who are they? Where are they? Why haven’t they claimed me?”
Aunt Mary and Samuel turned to Irene. I looked at her as well, she was very pale. She came over to sit beside me putting her arm around my shoulder. “I’m your mother, Clarissa, and Mr Turner is your father.”
I shrugged off her arm to jump up and turn on her. “You’re my mother?! But you can’t be!” I was suddenly enraged. “All this time you let me think I was a bastard!” I wanted to slap her or break something. Nonetheless all I could do was just stand there and yell and fling my arms out. “Oh wait, I still am a bastard!” I was on the verge of becoming hysterical, I knew it, but I couldn’t stop myself.
My aunt put her glass down then raised her voice, scolding me like a child, “Clarissa! That is enough!” She beckoned me to her, I went reluctantly deflated by her yelling, but she took both of my hands in hers and said quietly, “You are not now, nor were you ever a bastard. Your mother and father are married.” She sighed deeply. “They went to Charlotte before you were even conceived and told her that they wanted to marry before your father went off to France. Charlotte was unsure of what to do initially so she suggested writing to my brother, it was a thought which horrified both your parents. They knew he would never give his consent since your mother was scarcely older than you are now. So, she approached the vicar instead who reproached her in supporting such a union, then finally she wrote to me. I came and stayed for a time watching them together. In the end, it was obvious that they belonged together. Besides with the war in France who knew what would happen to Mr Turner or if he would even return so who was I to stand in the way of their happiness?” Irene was now beside me and I could see tears glistening in her eyes as she smiled and mouthed a silent ‘thank you!’ to our aunt.
Aunt Mary took a deep breath as she leaned back, smoothing her skirts. “So, Charlotte and I with some help from a friend arranged for them to go to Gretna Green. Your mother was almost seventeen and Mr Turner was twenty. But Irene was mature beyond her years and wiser than most young ladies at the age of five and twenty. She was also singularly stubborn, a trait that she got from her mother Alice, while Colin repeatedly insisted that he had never wanted anyone but Irene. I knew that neither he nor your uncle would have lacked for female companionship while at school or in London, after all they’re wealthy young men of good families and handsome young men like that never want for anything. But Samuel vouched for the intensity of Colin’s feelings and he’s never been able to lie to me.” She glared at Samuel who was studying a crack in the hearth stones with great intensity. “Not that he hasn’t tried frequently.”
It dawned on me that Samuel was not my brother but my uncle, in fact, we did share blood and family after all! Lady Alford really was my aunt! And the General, oh no, was my grandfather and not my father. A cold shudder raced down my spine, I took a gulp of the brandy and choked.
Aunt Mary laughed, Samuel smiled, and Irene reached out to me in concern. And Irene my sister was my mother! She looked at our aunt with pleading eyes and Aunt Mary nodded. Then Irene reached out to me again and I took her hand this time.
Aunt Mary chuckled again. “Irene, I do believe that child has more intelligence than the rest of you put together. But I would hazard a guess that the thought of having the General as her grandfather doesn’t bring her much joy.” She sighed taking another sip of her brandy. “I think we should tell her the rest now and get it over with. Clarissa, the General doesn’t know that you are Irene and Colin’s child. He is under the misconception that you truly are Charlotte’s natural child.” I opened my mouth to speak but she raised her hand, “Before you ask, yes, he will be told eventually. But Colin has insisted that he not be informed until you are safely in London and I agree.”
She looked weary and sighed before finishing, “There are still a few things that will need to be taken care of legally before my brother is made aware of your status. That’s why we are going to London on the pretext of arranging a wedding. In fact, there is no wedding, but our solicitors require the additional time to gather all the documentation needed to establish your legitimacy beyond question. It will also give me time to introduce your family into society, once there you will have the support of the most influential people in the land…and before my brother is told the truth.”
“Now, children, I am exhausted, I think I shall retire for the night and I suggest you all do the same. Lord Gromley has kindly agreed to delay Richard’s return home until after luncheon tomorrow. Thus, we must be well on our way before he arrives back at the Abbey.” She rose from her chair and moved towards the door. “Oh, Samuel, be a dear will you and see to it that the rest of that brandy makes into the hamper for tomorrow’s journey, that’s a good lad. Good night my dears.” With that she seemed to float out of the room.
After the door closed behind her I beckoned to my uncle to come and sit with us on my bed. In turn, I kissed them both. Then taking my mother’s hand in mine I tried to calm my voice enough to say, “I think I know why you did what you did. No one would have allowed you to marry Colin or keep a baby at your age and at the time none of you had the means to care for me without staying here. So, I understand the need for the deception. At least I know that your love for me has always been real and that won’t ever change.” I got up on my knees and hugged them both. “Calling you mother and uncle will be take some time to get used to and thinking of Mr Turner as my father, well, I’m not sure if I am ready for that yet either.”
Irene caressed my cheek. “You may call us whatever you like, my darling sweet child.” I hugged them again as we all fell back onto the bed laughing.
Samuel got up first pulling down his waistcoat then straightening his jacket. “I think our aunt had an excellent idea, I’m off to bed as well.” He grabbed the brandy, glancing quickly at Irene and I saw a look of uncertainty pass between them, then he smiled, “I’ll make sure that Burns packs a couple of bottles of this for our journey. As for this soldier,” he waved the bottle, “it will not survive the night.” He chuckled and left my room.
Irene watched him leave, her brow was furrowed and she looked worried. Then she turned back to me and reached out to comb my hair back behind my ears. “Lissa, can you forgive me? Can I ever earn the right to call you my daughter?” She slid to her knees in front of me, taking my hands. “I want you to know that it was my decision as much as Colin’s to keep this from you.” A single te
ar slid down her cheek and she looked away from me as she continued, “He was willing to take us to France with him. But I wasn’t willing to risk living in war torn Belgium, waiting for him to come to us. Besides I knew he needed to make his own way without distractions and I couldn’t go to his family…his father never forgave him for secretly marrying me.”
She wiped the tears from her face with her hand while saying, “I wanted a home where you could be raised in the fashion that was your birth right. If you hate anyone, Lissa, hate me, not your father. He wanted to take us away when he came back from France and started to work for the Crown, but he was still gone a great deal. Besides the lie had gone on for so long I didn’t know how to tell you.” She slumped onto the floor and buried her face in her hands. “I didn’t know what to do! Then the General came home, and I was afraid of what he would do if I tried to leave, I had to believe that it was better to stay here, that all would be well. Colin even spoke to the General the last night he was a guest here, he never told me what transpired except that he was forbidden from the house.”
I plopped down beside her. “How could you live without him? It’s been years!”
She looked at me seemingly choking on her words then she blushed. “We didn’t live apart all the time. Whenever I could make an excuse to leave, I would meet him in Cornwall or London. Otherwise, we saw each other as often as we could whenever he came to the neighbourhood, I would ride onto the moors to be alone with him.”
“But what about children you must have?”
“No.” She shook her head and looked sad. “There are ways to prevent that, we were very careful. Colin and I would love to have more children; brothers and sisters for you.” She wrung her hands together. “I want us to be a family, Lissa. We want you to get to know us as your parents but if you can’t then perhaps we can be friends.”
“I don’t know, Irene, I have to think. I love you and I always will. Mr Turner was a good friend to us and he made me laugh, he was very kind. It made sense now why he never tired of me tagging along wherever he went, I’m sure he would very much like to have had a son though.” She looked shocked and I rushed on, “Well, he did teach me lots of boy things like riding astride and using a pocket sling. Yet when we go to London, I will never be able to ride astride in public, nor use a pocket sling in the park.” I tried to smile. “Excuse me for saying this, but I think you should give him a son as soon as possible.” Then we both broke out giggling.
She gasped trying to catch her breath saying, “Colin taught you those things because he loved you not because he wished you were a boy. It was something he could do for you that no one else ever would.” We both leaned against my bed while sitting on the floor. She sighed, closed her eyes then leaned her head back against my bed. “The night you were born the storm outside was awful and when your father arrived, he was drenched, exhausted and hungry. But the first thing he did in all his mud was to come to us. He took you right out of Mrs Abel’s ’s arms hardly a moment after you were born. He was the one who bathed you and wrapped you in a blanket before bringing you to me. I’ll never forget as he leaned over to put you in my arms, you grabbed his finger and stared right at him. He introduced himself to you as your father and called you Clarissa. You were named after his maternal grandmother, a woman whom he loved very much. I thought Meg’s mother would have a heart attack with him standing there talking to you and meanwhile a puddle was forming at his feet and your wrapping was getting wet.”
She opened her eyes smiling like she could still see the scene before her. “Aunt Mary told him that Charlotte had died and that we’d need to accompany her body back to the Abbey soon, but she allowed us a few days together with you. In those days, you were barely ever in your cradle. Colin held you every minute that he could. He took you for your first ride along the beach when you were just a day old. I thought Aunt Mary would kill him when he got back.” She leaned toward me and brushed a curl back behind my ear.
“He cried the day we left knowing it would be several months before we could meet again since we’d be in mourning. Oh Lissa, I have never seen anyone so devastated as your father. Colin followed us as far as he dared then sped off to London. He was even more determined than ever to make his own way and increase his personal fortune so that he could claim us one day. That day has finally come.”
She looked deep into my eyes. “Can you accept us and all our faults? Can you forgive my cowardice when I wouldn’t follow your father to the continent?” She hesitated and bit her lip before continuing. “I have rationalized my choices for years, Lissa, and I’m ashamed to admit that my entire motivation was fear. Fear that I would not measure up. That I wouldn’t be good enough without all that the Abbey had to offer and that Colin would find me wanting as a wife and a mother…that you would end up hating me for it.” She turned to me and stared into my eyes before continuing, “Lissa, I love you so very much and as for Colin, his love for you knows no bounds. He wants us to be a family in every way, that is if you can accept us. But if you can’t, then Aunt Mary has agreed that you can live with her. I will not leave you here!”
I had no ready answer for her, what she seemed to be asking for was absolution. I had to think if it was within me to grant it. Could I harbour ill feelings towards my parents considering what they had sacrificed for me? They had never actually deserted or abandoned me. Rather they had cared for me and loved me in the only way they thought they could. Could I punish them for being young and afraid? I didn’t know. I still loved Irene and Samuel and I had liked Colin very much at one time, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to love him too.
Chapter 4
Farewell to the Abbey
The morning dawned bright and beautiful, it was exciting to be headed for London, but I was still afraid of what the future held. In the breakfast room Samuel sat in his traveling clothes obviously nursing a headache, no doubt from the additional brandy that he had consumed before going to bed. Yet he still managed to smile at me while motioning for me to the sit beside him. Despite the state of his head it appeared that he’d eaten a huge breakfast which would delight our cook Mrs Croft who believed that my uncle never ate anywhere except the Abbey. Yet Samuel often missed mealtime at the Abbey when he was here because he was often out catching up with old friends, visiting tenants and no doubt stopping at the Sickle to treat them to a bite and a pint.
Irene was there as well, ready for the road but looking pale and subdued. She put on a strained smile when she greeted me, “Good morning, Lissa.” There was a cup of tea and a sweet roll in front of her, both of which appeared to be untouched. Aunt Mary must have arrived just before me as she was only now reaching for the marmalade for her toast. I filled my plate with eggs and my favourite kedgeree but after a few bites, I had lost my appetite because of the atmosphere in the room so I spent the rest of my time pushing the food around on my plate, stealing glances at my travelling companions.
Aunt Mary had thankfully brought her own carriage, so we wouldn’t need to borrow any equipage from the General. Much to my annoyance though I was told that one of the grooms would ride Jewel. Aunt Mary had deemed it inappropriate for a young lady to travel by horseback when a carriage was at her disposal and Samuel agreed despite my voiced displeasure. He hadn’t even tried to argue on my behalf…the coward. But at least he had the good grace to grimace when he looked at me across the table. I was madly disappointed to say the least after having dressed in my old habit anticipating a vigorous ride. But instead of arguing as I normally would I decided to act like a lady and resign myself to the decision.
When Aunt Mary and Irene had finished eating, they rang for Mrs Burns then left with her to go over the housekeeping accounts and apprise her of the General’s likes, dislikes and needs.
Outside everything was being loaded onto the luggage wagon by a steady stream of footmen and grooms. I dithered for a time in the hall watching the procession then wandered outside standing next to the doorway but well away from all the activity. Samuel
was checking the horses as he spoke to the coachman, it was then that I noticed that not all the men were in my Aunt Mary’s livery nor did they belong to the Abbey. These men were all armed and looked as if they would be extremely efficient in a fight. Samuel saw me observing them closely, perhaps too closely from his look of concern. Coming over he took my arm, walking me out of earshot and away from all the activity. “Lissa, I assume you noticed the additional men that will accompany us? They are members of your father’s staff and for the most part, they’re former soldiers or individuals who have unique skills that are useful to us in our work. I assure you that they are very loyal to your father…and to me.” He waited, biting his lip and when I didn’t respond, he lifted my chin with his hand looking me in the eyes, “They are here for added protection.”
I raised my eyebrows then looked back at the men. “Do you expect trouble? Is that why even Aunt Mary’s staff are armed?”
He took off his hat, ran his fingers through his hair and looked out over the lawn. “You, my dear, are far too observant for a young lady but to be honest you can never tell when or from where trouble may come. These are dangerous times to be on the road without adequate protection. Besides you and your mother are precious cargo.” Tapping me under the chin he turned back towards the house. “Come, Lissa, we better light a fire under the other ladies, so we can leave, I want to reach our first stop before sundown.”