by STEVE MARTIN
HOW TO TERRIFY YOUR FRIENDS
This quick and easy trick will leave even the most fearless of your friends quaking in his boots. Read on to find out how.
You Will Need:
• a small cardboard box • scissors • cotton wool • tomato ketchup • the middle finger of your left hand
WHAT YOU DO
1. Cut a small hole in the bottom of the box, just big enough to get your finger through.
2. Fill the box with cotton wool.
3. Once you’ve done this, cover the cotton wool around the hole with some ketchup.
4. Next, put your finger through the hole and lay your finger in the cotton wool. It looks gruesome, doesn’t it?
5. Hold the box so it’s resting in the palm of your left hand.
Now it’s time to have some fun. Tell a friend that you have a severed finger in a box. Of course, he won’t believe you and he’ll think it’s a fake plastic finger that you’ve bought in a joke shop. Ask him to touch it. He’s sure to grin and grab it, thinking that you’re silly for believing he’ll fall for such a simple trick.
Of course, the moment he touches it, he’ll feel a finger made of real flesh and bone and jump away with a look of absolute terror on his face.
HOW TO WIN A NOBEL PRIZE
Having decided to become the best, the top award to aim for is a Nobel Prize, awarded since 1901 for great achievements in Physics, Chemistry, Medicine, Literature, Economics and Peace.
A Swedish scientist, named Alfred Nobel, gave some of his fortune to be used as prizes for the awards. He had become rich by inventing dynamite. He spent years experimenting and managed to blow up quite a few people – including his younger brother – along the way! Here is your very own step-by-step guide to winning one of these prestigious awards.
EYES ON THE PRIZE
• Work hard at school. Don’t worry, this is the boring bit – it gets better from now on.
• Make sure you become a scientist, writer, economist or worker for peace (there’s no Nobel Prize for football, unfortunately).
• Now for the tricky bit. You need to do something special. For the science awards, your best bet is to invent or discover something. This should be something useful. A cure for a disease is really good; inventing a clockwork toenail clipper is much less likely to get you noticed. Whatever you invent, try very hard not to blow up any younger brothers during your experiments.
• For the Literature Prize, you need to write some wonderful books. Keep reading regularly to see what your favourite authors are writing about, and get some inspiration from them.
• The Economics Prize is yours if you can come up with new theories about how the world of money works, or should work.
• The best way to win the Nobel Peace Prize is to find a war and stop it. This is quite a tricky thing to do, but probably won’t involve as much homework as the other Nobel Prizes you might be aiming for.
WHAT NEXT?
• You have to wait for someone to nominate you. This has to be someone such as a famous scientist or a university professor. Unfortunately you can’t just get your best friend to nominate you.
• Sit by the phone. The call comes just before the awards are announced to the world.
• Pack your passport and some warm clothing (the ceremony is in December) and catch a plane to Stockholm in Sweden.
• Collect your award. Each Nobel Prize winner receives a Nobel Prize diploma, a Nobel Prize medal (made of real gold), and prize money (at the time of writing, this was 10,000,000 Swedish Kroner, which is about £800,000).
• Bask in your glory and feel very pleased with yourself.
Of course, if you really want to show off, there’s no need to stop at one Nobel Prize. Marie Curie, a Polish scientist, won two Nobel Prizes, her husband won one, her daughter, Irene, won one, and her other daughter’s husband won one, too.
HOW TO BEAT THE HOMEWORK BLUES
You get home from school, throw down your school bag and try to get on with having fun for the rest of the day. The problem is, your homework won’t let you. Just the thought of it casts a shadow over the evening – you know it has to be done at some point and you know it’s going to take such a long time to do.
Well, not anymore. Follow these top homework-busting tips and you’ll be free to enjoy the rest of your day in no time.
GET DOWN TO IT
Homework doesn’t take nearly as long as you think. It’s just that some people make it last a long time. Before they start they tidy up their school bags, sharpen their pencils or organize their desks. In fact, they do lots of things that aren’t actually anything to do with the homework. This is because sorting out a school bag and colouring in the front of your homework file feel like work and are much easier than actually doing any real work.
The best homework-busting trick to try is to get your homework out of your bag and do it straight away, with no distractions. You’ll be amazed the first time you try it. It’ll cut the time you spend doing your homework in half.
HANDY HOMEWORK HINTS
• Don’t let your homework lie around all evening waiting for you. Set aside a regular time to do it. This might be as soon as you get home from school, it might be before your evening meal or it might be later in the evening. You’re the best person to decide the most effective time for you. Whatever time you decide, make sure you stick to it every time you have homework to do.
• Another useful technique is to reward yourself for finishing your homework. Think of something you really like doing and only allow yourself to do it once you’ve finished. If you love playing computer games, reward yourself with half an hour on the computer once your homework is completed.
HOW TO UNDERSTAND WHAT A DOG IS SAYING
Although dogs can’t actually speak, this doesn’t mean you can’t understand what they are telling you. Dogs are descended from wolves and are used to being in a close group, called a pack. They need to be able to communicate with other pack members so they can explain what they want, and work out who’s in charge.
Most dogs live with humans nowadays and, as far as they are concerned, the people around them are either part of their pack, or are a threat to their pack. So, they will communicate with them just as if they were other dogs and the main method they use to ‘speak’ is body language.
Opposite is a useful Dog to Human dictionary to help you make sense of your canine friends.
MOVEMENT
MEANING
Putting part of his body on top of yours – for example a paw resting on your leg
I’m the boss
Patting you with his paw
You’re the boss
Lying down watching you
You’re the boss
Rolling over so you can rub his stomach
You’re the boss
Tearing up things while you’re out
I’m upset because you left me on my own
Putting his front feet on the floor with his front legs stretched out and his bottom in the air
I want to play
Bright, alert eyes and relaxed lips, or his tongue hanging out
I’m happy
Lying down thumping his tail on the floor
I’m happy
Emitting a continuous, low growl
I’m warning you that I might attack
Teeth bared and snarling
I’m about to attack
Cocking his head to one side
Hmm, that’s interesting
HOW TO MAKE A TIME CAPSULE
It may not be possible to travel into the future, but you can still tell someone in the future what life was like in your time. You can do this by creating a time capsule.
A time capsule is a container full of items that represent life today. It is then sealed and buried for someone to discover years from now. Here’s how to make one.
You Will Need:
• a large plastic storage box with a lid • masking tape • a marker pen • a sele
ction of items that sum up your life • sandwich bags
WHAT COULD YOU PUT INSIDE?
Choose what you are going to put in your time capsule to show the person who finds it what life was like for you. Try and select items that show off your own personality as well as more general objects that show what life today is like.
• A letter to whoever discovers your time capsule, explaining who you are, and what you enjoy doing.
• A newspaper article from the day you bury your capsule.
• A copy of your favourite comic.
• A ticket from an exciting event you have been to, such as a great concert.
• Holiday photographs, or pictures of yourself and your friends.
• Anything else that is important to you. This could be trading cards, pictures you have drawn, or pictures from magazines showing what you are interested in.
WHAT YOU DO
1. Using the marker pen, write, ‘Do not open until 2050’ (or a year of your choice) in large, clear letters on the lid of the box.
2. Wrap each of your chosen items in plastic sandwich bags to keep them extra safe, then close the lid on the box and seal it securely with masking tape.
3. Find a spot in your garden and bury your time capsule ready for someone in the future to find. Make sure you ask your parents for permission before you start making holes in their beautiful flowerbeds.
4. Once you put your time capsule in the ground, it won’t be long before you forget about it. To make sure that someone will one day be able to find it, place a reminder somewhere. For example, write instructions for finding it and slip them under a floorboard, or stick them to the wall behind a wardrobe.
HOW TO STOP A NOSEBLEED
It can be quite frightening to suddenly discover blood pouring from your nose. Usually, nosebleeds are neither painful nor dangerous, so there’s nothing to worry about. If you find yourself with a nosebleed, stay calm, follow the advice below and the bleeding should soon stop.
• Most people lean backwards when they find they have a nosebleed. Actually, this is the opposite of what you should do. The blood has to flow and if you lean backwards, it is going to go down your throat, which won’t be very pleasant. If you have a nosebleed, sit somewhere comfortable and lean forwards.
• Pinch your nose at the point just above your nostrils. This dams the blood in your nose, and blood that isn’t moving forms into a solid clot. You need to pinch your nose for at least ten minutes for this to work.
• With your other hand, apply a cold flannel or an ice pack to the side of your nose. Nosebleeds are often caused by the rupturing of tiny blood vessels, and making the area cold will cause these to shrink and the blood will stop flowing.
• When you let go, the nosebleed will most likely have stopped. If it hasn’t you’re going to have to pinch it again, perhaps for longer this time.
• When the bleeding has stopped, your nose may feel blocked up and you may want to blow it. Don’t. If you blow your nose, you will release the blood clot and the bleeding could start again. Avoid any running around or physical games for the next few hours. If the nosebleed doesn’t stop after following these instructions, tell your parents and go to the doctors.
HOW TO PLAY THE DIDGERIDOO
The cool kids at school play the guitar, your mum wants you to play the piano, your teacher suggests something else again. Why not ignore them all and learn to play … the didgeridoo.
The didgeridoo is the instrument famously played by the Australian Aborigines (the earliest inhabitants of Australia), and is one of the world’s oldest instruments. It might sound unbelievable, but the didgeridoo is actually made by insects. The instrument is made from a branch from the Eucalyptus tree. Australian termites hollow out the branches of the tree and the Aborigines cut the branch when the thickness of the wood is just right for a didgeridoo.
While you might not have a real didgeridoo to play, you can still practise the technique. Try using the long cardboard tube from a roll of wrapping paper as your makeshift didgeridoo.
The most important part of playing the didgeridoo is mastering the drone. This isn’t the same kind of drone that teachers are so good at; it’s the name given to the loud, continuous humming sound produced by the didgeridoo.
WHAT YOU DIDGERI-DO
1. Kneel down with your didgeridoo in front of you. Hold it in one hand with the mouthpiece close to your mouth and the other end resting on the floor. Keep your back straight, so that the didgeridoo is at an angle of roughly 45°.
2. Before you try and get any noise out of the instrument, it’s important that your lips are properly relaxed. If you try blowing into the didgeridoo with lips that are too tight, you’ll end up producing a seriously uncool squeaking sound. Practise blowing with relaxed lips. You will look like you are doing an impression of a horse, and the noise you make should sound like you’re blowing a raspberry.
3. Once you’ve got your lips loose and relaxed, it’s time to start making some noise. Position your lips on the didgeridoo so you have a tight seal around the mouthpiece. Blow straight into the mouthpiece, keeping your lips relaxed at all times. If you get this right, you’ll hit what is known as the ‘sweet spot’, and will produce a deep, resonant drone. This drone will be the basis for your music, and you will need to keep it going in one long, continuous sound.
CIRCULAR BREATHING
Now, unless you’ve got serious lung power, you will certainly run out of breath. So, you need to learn the didgeridoo player’s technique of circular breathing. As you’re about to get to the end of your long breath, puff some air into your cheeks.
Push the air from your cheeks into the didgeridoo to continue the drone, while taking a deep breath in through your nose.
Now you will be able to start another long exhale into the didgeridoo without having to cause a break in the sound that you’re making. Circular breathing can be quite tricky, so don’t worry if it takes you lots of practice. If you start to feel lightheaded at any point, then take a break for a while and try again later.
MUSIC MAESTRO
Now you should be droning nicely, and you are ready to add some variety to the noise you’re making. Form the letter ‘D’ repeatedly, tapping your tongue against the roof of your mouth while continuing your drone. This is known as the ‘kangaroo hop’ and will add some rhythm to your music.
If you want to change the pitch of your drone, try loosening and tightening your lips as you blow, while keeping your tongue against the roof of your mouth. This will create a range of different sounds.
HOW TO EAT WITH CHOPSTICKS
Next time you are in a Chinese restaurant, why not leave the knife and fork alone and show off your chopstick skills?
The biggest mistake people usually make is to try to pick up their food by moving both chopsticks. If you do this, the food will slip out from between the chopsticks. The trick is to keep one chopstick still and move the other one to meet it. It isn’t easy at first, but keep practising and you’ll soon be attracting admiring glances from the other diners. Here’s how:
1. To hold the first chopstick, place it so it rests at the base of your thumb and the thinner part rests against your ring finger (the finger between your middle and little fingers). This is the chopstick that stays still when you eat.
2. Hold the other chopstick between your thumb and index finger in the same way you would hold a pencil. The narrow end should be pointing downwards and there should be about 6 cm between the tip of your finger and the thin end of the chopstick. You should now be able to press the ends of the sticks together like a pincer, with this second chopstick on top of the other one.
RICE AND EASY
If you are eating rice, it would take a long time to pick up the grains of rice between your chopsticks. This is where technique number two comes in.
Hold the chopsticks in the same way as above, but do this so there is a little bit of space between the two ends. Don’t move either of the sticks. All you do now is use
the two chopsticks to scoop up the rice. The Chinese don’t consider it rude if you pick up your plate or bowl and hold it close to your face when you do this.
Of course, chopsticks shouldn’t be used for eating everything. Using your new-found chopstick skills on a bowl of soup or ice cream, for instance, will end messily, no matter how practised you are.
HOW TO MAKE A WATER SLIDE
Summer’s arrived and you’re sitting in the park under a hot sun wishing you were at a water park. Well, if you can’t get there, why not bring the water park to you? It takes no time at all to make a really fun water slide.
You Will Need:
• a large open space, such as a field, park or a large garden • a long roll of plastic sheeting (you will be able to get this from a hardware shop) • a hose pipe or some buckets of water • washing-up liquid
WHAT YOU DO
1. Look carefully at the ground to make sure there are no stones or sharp objects where you are making the slide.
2. Unroll the plastic. Make sure you have got enough space to take a run up to your slide without bumping into anyone.