“I’ll find something.”
After purchasing a pregnancy test at the drug store, I asked if I could use their employee bathroom in the back. I put Jade on speakerphone while I followed the directions and peed on the stick.
Placing my head between my legs on the toilet, I sighed. “Now we wait.”
After a few minutes of waiting in silence, Jade said, “Breathe, Sis. Breathe. If you are, then it’s a freak accident. He’s going to understand.”
“Damien spent enough years worrying about his health. I didn’t want him to have to worry anymore. This is going to be a nightmare for him, especially given that he’s not even fully recovered. I—”
“The time is up,” Jade interrupted. “I’ve been watching the clock. Time to check.”
When I reluctantly looked over at the stick sitting on the sink, the red symbol that met my eyes wasn’t really a surprise in the least. “It’s a plus sign.”
Jade blew a deep breath into the phone. “Okay. Okay. We’re gonna handle this. It’s going to be okay.”
I covered my mouth. “Oh, my God.”
“You need to tell him soon.”
“I need more time. He needs more strength before he can deal with this. I don’t think I’m gonna tell him for another couple of weeks at least. I can’t do this to him. I also need to confirm it with a doctor first.”
“Okay. Make an appointment this week, but promise me you won’t put off telling him for too long.”
“If I could, I would never tell him.”
***
“Congratulations, Mrs. Hennessey. We have the results of your blood test, and you’re definitely pregnant.”
I probably looked like she’d told me that someone died.
“Is this not good news for you?”
Holding onto the arms of my chair for balance, I shook my head. “It’s not, no.”
“This was unexpected?”
“My husband has an inherited heart condition. We’d made a firm decision not to have biological children to avoid passing it on. There’s a fifty percent chance of that, and he didn’t want to take the risk. I’m on the pill, and he was also planning to have a vasectomy soon. This is like my nightmare, and I don’t really understand how it happened.”
“I’m sorry to hear that this is not positive news for you.”
“The pill is supposed to be nearly one-hundred percent effective, and I never missed a single one. I’ve always been so diligent. How could this have happened?”
“Well, there are certain things that can counteract it. Were you taking other medications, for example?”
Suddenly, a light bulb went on.
Oh, no.
“I’d been experiencing a lot of depression and anxiety over my husband’s surgery. He’s been in recovery for about a month. I didn’t want to go on antidepressants, but my therapist recommended St. John’s Wort, so I started to take that.”
Dr. Anderson momentarily closed her eyes in understanding and nodded. “Yes. Unfortunately, that is well-known to interfere with the pill.”
“Well-known to everyone but me apparently. Fuck. I’m sorry for swearing, but…fuck.” I lowered my head into my hands.
“Your therapist should have known that before recommending it to you.”
“No. I should’ve checked myself. It’s my fault. How could I have been so stupid?”
“You’d be surprised how many people take things without reading the fine print or looking into the side effects.”
“I was trying to make things better by quietly handling my issues, and I ended up ruining everything.”
“You do still have the option to terminate.”
Even just hearing her allude to that felt painful. “No. I could never do that.” This was still Damien’s and my child, and as scared as I was, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was already hopelessly in love with it.
“Okay. Understood.”
“What’s next?”
“We’ll make an ultrasound appointment for you soon.”
“Okay.” I swallowed. This was getting far too real given the fact that Damien still had no clue. The clock was ticking.
I left the office in a daze. If I thought it was difficult accepting the pregnancy before, knowing that it was totally my fault made it completely unbearable.
***
I didn’t know how to be around Damien. Carrying the burden of this secret was too much to handle. Whether I realized it or not, I had been shutting him out, and he was starting to sense that something was really wrong with me. I doubted he realized what it was, though. God only knew what conclusions he might have been drawing.
Two weeks passed since the doctor’s appointment. Each day, the plan was to come clean to him about the pregnancy, and each day, I would completely chicken out. I would tell myself that he needed more time to heal before dealing with the news, but the truth was, he would never be ready to hear it.
He seemed to suspect something was off and kept asking me if I was okay. I just didn’t know how to tell him the truth.
Lately, I’d been taking several trips to the “store” just to be able to talk to Jade privately. With Damien’s sensitive hearing, any conversations I had with her in our apartment were within his earshot even when I was whispering behind closed doors. Jade was seriously pissed at me for not having yet told him, but she still agreed to support me until I finally garnered the courage to come clean.
One afternoon, I’d returned home from having snuck out to call her. Damien was standing in the middle of the living room with his arms crossed. Adrenaline rushed through me when I caught a look at his expression.
“What the fuck is going on?” He had never spoken to me with such an angry tone.
“What do you mean?”
“You said you were going to the store. Instead, you were talking on the phone in the alleyway around the corner.”
My mouth dried up. “How did you know that?”
“Answer me first. What are you hiding?”
“You had me followed?”
“I was worried about you. When you bolted out of here this time, I called Gary and asked him to keep an eye on you, because I knew something wasn’t right. But I never expected him to tell me that.”
“So, you had Gary follow me. What exactly do you think is going on?”
“Fuck if I know, but it’s not leaving a warm and fuzzy feeling, Chelsea. What’s happening? Who were you talking to on the phone?”
I had to tell the truth.
My answer was barely audible. “Jade.”
Squinting his eyes, he asked, “What are you talking to Jade about that you can’t say in front of me?” He began to walk slowly toward me, and the false conclusion he was starting to draw nearly broke my heart. “Are you regretting all of this? Marrying me?”
I had to tell him.
Now.
“No! No. Never. Damien, I’m…”
“What?”
“I’m…pregnant.”
He practically fell back as if the proclamation had knocked the wind out of him.
“What?”
My eyes were getting moist. “Yes.”
Placing his hands on his head, he just looked at me in shock. “How could you be pregnant? You’re on the pill.”
“I made a terrible mistake. In the weeks before your operation, I was trying not to show you how scared I was. I started taking something homeopathic to take the edge off—St. John’s Wort. I thought it was harmless, but it turns out, it interferes with the pill’s effectiveness.” I began to pace. “This is all my fault. You asked one thing of me in this life, one sacrifice, and I couldn’t get it right.” I looked at him with pleading eyes. “But I can’t terminate it, Damien. I just can’t.”
He suddenly snapped, “I would never ask you to do that. Never. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
He just stood there in shock for an indeterminate amount of time.
Grabbing his jacket, he suddenly headed t
oward the front door.
“Where are you going?”
“I just…I need some air, okay? I’ll be back. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”
After he shut the door, I collapsed onto the couch in tears. As much as telling him the truth had hurt, it was an enormous release to have finally let it out. The weight of keeping it a secret had been killing me.
Sleep had evaded me for days. This was the first moment I felt like I could relax enough to even close my eyes. Exhausted, my body shut down, and I ended up falling asleep on the couch while waiting for Damien to return.
After an unknown amount of time passed, I woke up to find his head on my stomach.
Running my fingers through his wavy hair, I spoke softly, “You came back.”
“Of course I did. I’m sorry I ever left. I shouldn’t have left you like that. I just felt like I couldn’t breathe and needed to process it alone.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“This is not your fault. You didn’t do it intentionally.” He bent down and kissed my stomach tenderly then spoke over my skin, “I thought I was losing you. For weeks, I thought I was losing you, Chelsea. I had no clue what was going on.”
It hurt to think that he actually believed I was having doubts.
“Never, Damien. I would never leave you.”
He sat up suddenly. “I have to tell you something.”
“Okay.” I sniffled.
“I never mentioned something that I experienced when I was coming out of the surgery. I thought it was just a dream, but now I have to wonder.”
“What?”
“I saw something…or someone. I just somehow knew it was our child. It didn’t present clearly as a girl or a boy necessarily. It was just like the spirit of a child. I couldn’t make out a face, but I do remember seeing blonde curls. So, I guess I assumed it was a girl.” He ran his fingers through my hair. “Anyway, I just knew it was ours. This thing…spirit…whatever you want to call it…was trying to leave me. I kept asking it to stay—begging it to stay. In this dreamlike state, I knew about all of the risks, that I wasn’t supposed to keep it with me or ask it to stay, but it didn’t matter in that moment. My love for it was too powerful. I still don’t understand what that experience was—a hallucination or otherwise. It seemed real at the time. I was never going to tell you about it.”
“You don’t remember what you were asking me when you were coming out of the anesthesia?”
“No.”
“You asked me where she was.”
“I did?”
“When I asked you who you were referring to, you said it was our baby.”
“Oh, man. See, I don’t remember that at all. But that must have been the very end of it.”
Hearing his story freaked me out a little, because I was definitely pregnant that day, even though I didn’t know it yet.
He continued, “The point to all of this is…when faced with the scenario in that subconscious state, I chose for it to stay. Despite everything, I wanted it, because my love for it surpassed everything else...all of the risks, all of the fears.”
“Do you think it was a premonition?”
“I don’t know. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. I want this baby. I always did want one with you. I tried to do what I thought was right, but God had other plans.”
An immense relief washed over me. “I thought you’d be devastated. I’ve been so terrified to tell you.”
“I’m freaked out, baby. Of course. But there’s no question as to whether I want this. I want it more than anything. I’m just scared, but that’s irrelevant at this point. Now that she’s really here…I want it even more than I could have ever imagined before. I’m petrified, but I’m so in love—in love with her and with you.”
“Her?”
“I think so, yeah. It’s a girl.” He smiled.
“How will you handle this, Damien? The fear and the guilt you’ve always worried about.”
He thought long and hard before answering, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s how to live with fear. I live every day not knowing if I’m gonna drop dead at the drop of a hat. But I refuse to let it dictate my life anymore. So, I’ll handle it just like everything else. I’ll wake up each day and pray to the same God who brought me you and who helped me through surgery. I’ll pray that He protects our child, too. No matter how scary this is, I have to put everything in His hands at this point and thank him for blessing me with all the things I didn’t think I could ever have.”
He lowered his head down to my stomach again. “Holy shit. We’re gonna have a baby.”
I let those words really sink in. For the first time, I actually allowed myself to celebrate it, as if it had only now just become real.
I beamed. “We’re having a baby!”
***
The following week when we heard our child’s heart beating for the first time, it was as magical as it was frightening.
We wouldn’t know for several years whether genetics would be on our side. Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy is a condition that, if inherited, shows itself over time, manifesting in young adulthood. We would leave it up to our child to determine if he or she wanted to get tested. All we knew was that we would do everything that was humanly possible to monitor and protect our baby in the meantime.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLE HILL
Our big wedding plans would have to be put on hold until after the baby was born. From getting a nursery ready, to preparing the dogs for the new addition, there was just too much going on to have to worry about organizing a giant party.
We’d opted not to find out the sex, although Damien was still convinced it was a girl. He truly believed that the spirit he’d encountered in his dream—or whatever that experience may have been—was female. He chalked it up to father’s intuition.
All of the items we’d purchased for the nursery were gray, white and green, although Damien would pick up small pink items when he was out and place them strategically around the space; it was essentially a baby girl’s room.
I was carrying small and low, prompting Damien to dub my belly his “little beach ball.”
Overall, the pregnancy was a smooth one all the way up until the final month.
We were both under a lot of stress because Jenna had blindsided us with the news that she was planning to move to Colorado with her new boyfriend. She also decided that the dogs were technically hers and that she had the right to take them with her.
Damien tried to convince her that staying in California was in the Double Ds’ best interest because it was the only home they’d ever known. She wasn’t having it and threatened to take us to court for full custody. It wasn’t looking good at all.
I’d gotten so worked up and ended up on bed rest due to high blood pressure. So not only was Damien worried about the dogs getting taken away, but now he had to worry about the health of his wife and unborn child. I was, in turn, worried about the stress that all of the above was putting on his heart.
The dogs were my only saving grace during the bed rest period, since they’d climb next to me and keep me company during the afternoons when Damien had to get things done around the building. He didn’t even fight them being in our bed anymore because he knew what a comfort they were to me. They were still banned at night, however. I knew he was terrified that Jenna was going to win and that they’d be gone soon. As a result, the dogs were getting spoiled rotten.
One day, Damien had gone out for a couple of items I’d been craving. He’d taken two hours longer than he should have.
When he finally returned, the front door slammed shut, and I heard him say, “It’s done.”
“What?”
“It’s done. She’s letting us keep the dogs.”
“What? How?”
“I drew up a contract and paid her off.”
“You what?”
“I threw a shitload of money at her, enough that she couldn’t refuse it. I wasn’t g
oing to let this stress us out anymore. I wasn’t going to let her take them away from us.”
“How much did you give her?”
“Don’t worry about it. We have the funds for it. And they’re worth any amount.”
Once again, Damien had taken charge of a situation and come to my rescue. Tears of relief began to roll down my face. It was only in that moment that I truly realized how much the fear of losing the animals had been taking its toll on my health and well-being.
Damien normally didn’t climb into bed with us, but that afternoon, he squeezed himself into a spot. Lying in the bed with the Triple Ds, an enormous peace came over me. The baby was kicking to boot. Our family was complete, and no one could take that away.
You couldn’t put a price on that.
***
It was a clear evening, and the dark sky filled with bright stars. Damien and I were sitting in the courtyard the night before my scheduled C-section, fantasizing about all of the things we were going to do once the baby was born.
“I can’t wait to have sushi again and to be able to shave my own legs.”
Firmly gripping my thigh, he said, “I can’t wait to be able to wrap these legs around my back and pound into you without worrying about impaling my kid.” He turned to me. “You can go back to shaving your legs, but leave the pussy shaving to me even when you’re able to see it again.”
“Sure. In fact, I’m counting on that.”
“Good.” He winked.
“Oh! I can’t wait to have my afternoon latte again. That’s another thing I miss, being on a caffeine high.”
Damien grunted. “You know what I can’t wait for? I can’t wait to throw that damn stuffed cockblocker out the window. That’s gonna be the first thing to go.”
That made me crack up. He was referring to the body-length pregnancy pillow that I’d been sleeping up against these last few weeks. It formed a big barrier between us.
“Actually, why don’t you just let the Ds have it? I caught them humping it the other day. They were double teaming it.”
He wriggled his brows. “Did that remind you of your books?”
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