by Dianne Drake
“Briefly. Nothing’s changed. He didn’t even want to know if I had a boy or girl. But his mother and sister have had it with Brad, and they want to be part of Sarah’s life. Begged me to let them be a part of it.”
“Are you going to let them?”
“How can I not? They love her. What Brad’s done is his choice, but I’m not going to punish the people in his family who love Sarah because he doesn’t.”
“It’s his loss, and he doesn’t even know it.” Dinah smiled at her younger sister. “You’re going to be a fantastic mom, you know that?”
“I’d be even better if you’d consider settling down here in White Elk with Sarah and me. Give it some serious thought, Dinah. I know this situation with Eric is up in the air, but you don’t have a real home. Mom travels all the time so it wouldn’t make sense to live near her since she’s never in the same place more than a month or two. Which leaves your favorite sister and your favorite niece, both of whom really want you here. I intend on raising my daughter right here, and I really, really want you to be part of our lives. Janice was telling me how good you’ve been with Eric’s daughters, and I want that for my daughter…from her aunt.”
Settling down…It sounded so good. Sounded good when Angela initially asked, and sounded good an hour later, as Dinah was letting the warm spray from the shower slide down her tired, aching body. It still sounded good thirty minutes after that, on her way back to the hospital to cover half a shift.
But sounding good didn’t mean it was going to be simple. And what she and Eric had started…that didn’t make it any easier.
Had they really started something? She wondered. Pondered. Remembered. Fantasized. She was trying not to feel so contented about it, but she was contented. There was no denying it. She was totally contented and it scared her to death because she still didn’t believe that the kind of contentment she was feeling could come without pitfalls. She wanted to believe, and Eric made her come close to believing, but she was still on the edge of that ledge, looking down, not sure whether to take the leap or not. And this time she didn’t have Eric there to encourage her. It was her leap to take on her own. Probably the biggest leap she would ever take in her life. If she took it at all.
CHAPTER EIGHT
“I WANT those!” Pippa squealed as the three of them passed the lodge’s gift shop. This was girls’ day out for Paige, Pippa and Dinah, and right now Pippa was practically jumping up and down over the prospect of buying pink shoelaces. Shoelaces like the ones Dinah had used to leave a trail for Eric.
“Did your daddy tell you about the shoelaces?” Dinah asked, wondering how much Eric had said about their rescue. Or, specifically, about her.
“He said you acted like a girl,” Paige volunteered.
“And what’s wrong with acting like a girl?” Dinah asked, smiling. “Did your daddy tell you what’s wrong with acting like a girl?”
“He said it’s very good, that he likes it. Did you and Daddy have a picnic? Is that why you were in the woods?” Paige asked.
Picnic wasn’t quite the word to describe what they’d had. In fact, there wasn’t a word to describe it. Wasn’t a word to describe the way she was feeling because of it either. Happy. Excited. Scared. It was a jumble of mixed emotions, and she was a jumble of mixed confusions because there’d been no aftermath. No mention. No overtures. No nothing.
Two days later, it was like nothing had happened between them. They’d worked a couple of shifts together at the hospital, stayed strictly professional about it, and…nothing. Eric had gone his way, she’d gone hers. No knowing winks. No suggestive smiles. Cordial nods, for heaven’s sake! “Yes, we definitely had a picnic,” she explained, trying to shake off the gloomy mood trying to slip down over her, trying to remind herself that Eric’s feelings toward his wife most likely had everything to do with what was happening between them now. She understood it, sympathized. Told herself it was for the best since she wasn’t looking for any kind of a real commitment. Of course, for just a little while…a moment in time, she’d thought that maybe…“So, are you two ladies ready for high tea?”
Pippa looked longingly at the pink shoelaces in the giftshop window as Dinah hurried the girls off to the conservatory and left them there for a few minutes in Redmond’s capable hands while she went to the kitchen to check on the progress of the evening meal prep. As it turned out, everything was under control. Her staff was busy chopping, dicing, slicing…Unfortunately, knowing she supervised a well-run kitchen didn’t give her the feeling of accomplishment she longed for. In fact, she wondered why she was still in White Elk. Angela was surrounded by women fussing over her and the baby, the kitchen was well managed by Angela’s support staff and the ambitious, if not ubiquitous Oswaldo. All in all, her presence in White Elk was almost superfluous. She’d come because she’d been needed but, as it had turned out, nobody here really needed her.
Just when she’d thought she might stay, it seemed like it could be time to go. Because certainly, she couldn’t face Eric day after day, if she caused him any discomfort. He had his life here, his work, his family. She had…a few hopes, maybe the makings of a dream.
“How do we look?” Pippa and Paige asked in unison as Dinah entered the conservatory a few minutes later. They were in pink floral dresses, identical, and one of the servers had given them matching hats. Grinning, giggling, blowing kisses into the air, they were capturing the attention of all the people there to partake of high tea.
“Fabulous,” she said, responding with a curtsey to each girl. If she did leave White Elk, saying goodbye to these girls would be one of the hardest things she’d have to do. It was amazing how much she’d come to love them in such a short time. “Absolutely stunning and beautiful.”
The girls grinned from ear to ear then Pippa stepped forward and motioned for Dinah to bend down. “We can have finger sandwiches or ladyfingers with our tea,” she whispered, “but we don’t want fingers.” She held up her hand and wiggled her own fingers for Dinah to see. “Can we go somewhere else and have ice cream?”
“You know you’re not supposed to ask,” Paige reminded her. “Daddy said so. It’s not polite.”
“But how are you supposed to get what you want if you don’t ask for it?” Pippa argued. “And I want ice cream, not fingers. That’s why I asked.”
Sound reasoning in a five-year-old’s mind, Dinah thought, but the differences in their personalities were coming out in a big way, and it was interesting to see. Pippa had absolutely no trouble going after what she wanted, while Paige was more thoughtful about it, trying to abide by the rules more than her sister did. Even if those rules did stipulate they had to eat fingers.
Eric was going to have himself a handful in the years to come. Lucky man because his girls adored him. And lucky girls because they were adored by their father. “I’ll talk to Estelle, the woman in charge of the tea, and I think she can probably find you ice cream. But so you’ll know, finger sandwiches don’t have real fingers in them. Usually, it’s something like a cream cheese spread or cucumber. And lady fingers are simply cakes. They’re called fingers because they’re about the size of a finger.”
The girls regarded each other for a moment, settling on an unspoken agreement. “Ice cream,” they both said. Something in their expressions said they were staying on the safe side.
Tea was nice. They talked, the girls chattered on and on about the things they liked to do—swimming, playing video games, watching movies, going for walks. They wanted riding lessons, wanted ballet lessons, wanted new bicycles…all normal things. And it was so fun being involved in all that. As the hour progressed, they made plans for more shopping trips, another high tea and a talk with White Elk’s resident ballet teacher…although Dinah did tell them it was all subject to their father’s approval.
She liked their inquisitiveness. Hoped that if she ever had children of her own they’d be just like these two. Children of her own…a thought that had come to mind so much lately. Especially wh
en she held her brand-new niece, Sarah. Foolish thought for someone who seemed to be heading toward the exit.
Trying to wipe out all thoughts of the things that weren’t happening in her life, like babies and twin daughters and relationships, Dinah took each girl by the hand after tea was over and led them down the hall to the gift shop, then bought them pink shoelaces. Why not? It was fun indulging them, and for all their exuberance, and their long wish list, these little girls were not spoiled. They were a delight, two people she loved spending time with. Two girls so much alike they were practically the same, except they weren’t. She could see the differences more and more all the time—differences that would be more noticeable to a woman…to their mother.
There were times, like today at high tea, watching Pippa and Paige charm every last person in the conservatory, that she could see herself being their mother. It wasn’t a fantasy, wasn’t even a fond wish, because with that wish, by necessity, would come Eric. Yet if a woman were afforded the opportunity to hand-pick the children she’d want to have as daughters, she couldn’t see herself picking children other than Pippa and Paige. They were well adjusted, well behaved, smart. A true extension of their father.
And of their mother. That was something she couldn’t forget because that, she feared, was the final stumbling block to any kind of relationship she and Eric might have had. Maybe, just maybe he couldn’t see her as mother to his children. Good as their playmate or babysitter, but not their mother.
Too emotional to be a good nurse, according to Charles. Too emotional to be a good mother, according to Eric?
Or maybe just not the right mother…She sighed on that discouraging note. If he was finally getting past Patricia as his wife, but not her as the girls’ mother…well, that was something no one could deal with. Not her. Not even Eric.
“You look rested,” Eric commented. Offhand comment, one he’d make to anyone, in a tone of voice he’d use on anyone.
“I’m fine,” she said, shutting his office door. “Look, Eric, we need to talk.”
He set aside the patient chart he’d been reading. “About the girls?”
“The girls are wonderful. We had a lovely time at high tea this afternoon, and unless you don’t want me involved with them, we’ve made plans for a few more outings while I’m still here.”
“Still here?”
“In White Elk. I just tendered my resignation here at the hospital. Pending finding someone to replace me. I won’t leave you in a bind.”
“Where the hell did this come from?” he snapped.
“I’d never planned on staying. I was here to help my sister, and she’s being overrun with help with the baby now, her kitchen’s in good order, and there’s no reason for me to stay. I’ve been thinking about going to Costa Rica for a while…I know someone there who operates a small resort and there’s an opening in the kitchen for a sous chef.”
“A sous chef?”
He was being too calm. She could see the explosion about to erupt. His mouth was drawn into a thin line, his eyes narrowing. The thing was, she couldn’t interpret his anger. And maybe she didn’t want to. “It’s a good job, nice area. I’ll have my own little cottage…”
“That’s what you want? Your own little cottage?”
“It’s a good opportunity.” And he wasn’t asking her to stay. Somewhere in her plan for this conversation, she’d envisioned the version where he’d pulled her into his arms and asked her to stay. “Good salary, wonderful climate.”
“Oh, so you want a little cottage and a nice climate?” Words spoken harshly.
“What I want, Eric, is a life. In case you haven’t noticed, the one I’m living right now is pretty much bits and pieces of other people’s lives. I work a hospital shift here and there at your pleasure, cook at my sister’s pleasure. The only thing I do that could be remotely construed as my own life is what I do with Paige and Pippa. So if a little cottage and a nice climate are what it takes to get me closer to having a life of my own, that’s what I’m going to do.” Even if it broke her heart.
“And what happens to Paige and Pippa when you leave?” he asked, his anger rippling even closer to the surface. “What happens when they come to look forward to ladies’ day out, and you’re gone?”
“Then you can have a daddy day with them every week. So long as you do little-girl things with them. Because they need that, Eric. I mean, you should have seen them at high tea with their hats and pretty dresses, having so much fun.”
“I don’t do high tea.”
Unequivocal, flat response. He didn’t intend on budging one inch in his position. “Or pink shoelaces?” she asked, bending down over the desk so he couldn’t ignore her the way he was trying hard to do. “Because they are little girls who need little-girls things like pink shoelaces.”
He cleared his throat. Pushed back in his chair, pushed his chair back. “If they want pink, I can buy them pink.”
Well, his intent was clear, and she had no place in it. Any delusions of staying had been wiped away now. He’d had his opening, his chance to ask her to stay. Even a hint at wanting her to stay…for him…would have been enough. But he was hiding behind Paige and Pippa now. Which meant Eric considered her, and what they’d done, a mistake. He didn’t want to deal with her. She made him nervous. Reminded him of things he didn’t want to be reminded of, things he didn’t want to leave behind. And there was no way to fight it. Not that she would. Eric had every right to his feelings.
And she had every right to hers. Well, at least now she knew. This was probably for the best, she decided. What had happened with Eric…she’d never done anything like that before. Never just jumped into anything so quickly, so intimately and spontaneously as she had with him. But what was the point of getting involved only up to a point? Which was what their involvement would have been—only up to a point. So it was good she knew. The best thing. She understood Eric’s regrets, his confusion. Yet, still, she’d hoped…
But it hurt. She wouldn’t deny it. Knowing came with a fair sting to it.
“Look, do you still want me working my shift? Like I said, I’ve agreed to keep working here until you can find someone to replace me,” Dinah said, struggling to keep the wilting emotion from her voice. “But if you’d rather not keep me around…”
“Why wouldn’t I want you working your shift? And where the hell did you ever get the idea I didn’t want you working here anymore?”
“Well, for starters, what happened that night in the woods…”
He backed away from her even more. “Has nothing to do with you being here.”
“Sure, it does. I mean, look at you now. You can barely be in the same room with me. How can that make for a good working relationship, even if it’s only for a few more days, until you replace me?”
He dropped his head back on his chair, drew in a deep breath, and shut his eyes. “Damn,” he muttered, nearly under his breath. “I don’t want you to leave.”
“But you don’t want me staying, either, do you?”
“I don’t know what I want. But it’s not about you, Dinah.” He opened his eyes. “And I’m sorry that’s the way it seems. I’m just…”
“Look, let me make this easy for you, OK? I’ll leave then you don’t have to deal with…me. I know it’s not easy for you, Eric.” She glanced at the picture of Patricia on his desk. Beautiful woman. Bright eyes, warm smile. The woman Eric loved. “I understand that, and I don’t want to make things more difficult for you.”
“Costa Rica makes them more difficult for me.”
“But Costa Rica makes things easier for me. I get…involved, Eric. I can’t help myself. That’s just me, though. I can’t detach myself, put the various aspects of my life into individual compartments the way you seem to do. It would be good if I could, because I wouldn’t end up doing so many dumb things, like falling for the wrong man.”
“Falling for the wrong man?”
“You know that’s my history. I haven’t kept any secre
ts about that.”
“So when you say falling, what, exactly, do you mean?”
“You know, falling…spending time with, enjoying the company of, wanting more time with.” Making love with more than one night. “That’s all.” No mention of love intended.
“Look, Dinah, I know we haven’t had much time to ourselves, but—”
“No time to ourselves, Eric? No time?” That was his choice, and maybe it was a good choice since she’d gone and done it again—fallen for the wrong man, love possibly intended. “But that’s fine. I’ll stay out of your way while I’m still here, and in another week or so, you won’t even have to worry about that.” She glanced at Patricia’s picture again and thought about Eric. Maybe someday, someone would have that same kind of enduring love for her.
“Stay out of my way? Where did you ever get the idea that I want you to stay out of my way?” He pushed himself from his desk chair, and started to round the desk, but this time Dinah was the one who backed away from him.
“That’s what you’ve been doing, isn’t it? And I understand, Eric. I totally understand.”
“Good, then maybe you can explain it to me because it’s driving me crazy. I mean, all I can think about is that night in the woods, and when I let those thoughts distract me, I might as well hang up the white coat because I’m no good to anyone. Which isn’t what my patients need from me. If anything, my preference would be to have you in my way as much as I can.”
“I distract you?” she asked, still backing away as he came toward her. Backing, but in smaller steps now as his steps toward her grew larger.
“What did you think? That I’d make love to you once, and that was it?”
“Maybe. Since that’s the way it was, and you’ve barely even spoken to me since.” Her back to the wall next to his office door, she had two choices. Stay where she was, pressed into the bookshelf on her right, or scoot to the left and slip out into the hall. “I don’t make good decisions, Eric. I’ve told you…”