Fashionably Dead and Loving It: Hot Damned Book 14

by Peterman , Robyn

  Anastasia clasped her hands in front of her chest and began to sing. Her voice was wondrous. She sounded like the Angels on High. However, the lyrics? Not so much. I would never hear “Mary Had A Little Lamb” the same way again.

  “Martha had a little boob. Little saggy nube, squishy ice cube. Jane too had a tiny bumpy tube, the flesh was floppy as dough. And every bra that Martha bent, Martha sent, with Jane’s consent. Every bra that Martha lent, the torpedo tubes were filled with woe.”

  Jane turned purple, she was cackling so loud. Martha fell off the chair and rolled all over the office. Anastasia pumped her fists over her head in victory.

  “And the winner is… Anastasia,” I announced over the hysterics. “However, I am going on record that you will regret winning, since the prize is terrifying and nightmare-inducing.”

  “Don’t care,” Anastasia said with a giggle, pointing at the incapacitated Martha and Jane. “Totally worth it. I haven’t laughed like that in decades.”

  Her statement made me sad. “You’re not included in Ethan’s order for Wilhem to leave.”

  Anastasia sobered quickly and nodded. “I thought not. I don’t know what happened between my brothers, but it is none of my business unless either of them wants to share. Wilhem has always been jealous of Ethan, much to the dismay of our father.”

  “That sucks for him,” I said. “Jealousy can be a fatal disease.”

  “Correct,” Anastasia conceded in a weary tone. “Wilhem feels that way about all of our male siblings. Sad use of time if you ask me.”

  “Just the males?” I asked, wondering how sexist the man truly was.

  “Yes. And I agree with your thought,” she said.

  My brows shot up in surprise. Could everyone crawl into my head? This was going to be a problem. “Can you hear my thoughts?”

  “No,” she assured me. “I can read your face. You are a very expressive person.”

  My relief was palpable and we both laughed. “Will Wilhem leave peacefully?”

  Anastasia walked across the room and picked up Martha, who’d gotten herself wedged under the desk in her fit of hysterics. “Yes, he will leave without a fight. His gal pal will throw a fit, though.”

  Following Anastasia’s lead, I dislodged Jane from under the carpet. She had twisted her bony little body into a pretzel. With a snap of my fingers, I de-pretzeled the idiot. “What the heck is her deal?”

  Shrugging, Anastasia placed Martha in a chair and straightened what little there was of her hair. “She has visions of wearing a crown on her head. If you ask me, it will never work.”

  “Why?” I questioned, seating Jane next to Martha and making sure her knockers were still tucked into her jog bra. As silly as the boob talk had been, I didn’t want any visual evidence.

  “Because Wilhem’s true mate is waiting for the six-hundred-year-old dumbass to grow up,” she replied, sitting down next to Martha. “Catriona is simply a dalliance, but don’t tell her. She would implode.”

  “Wilhem said she’s been wandering the grounds.”

  Anastasia looked doubtful. “I took a walk earlier and didn’t see her, but you have extensive and beautiful grounds.”

  “Thanks,” I replied, wanting to end the talk of Wilhem and his icky sidekick. “What about you?”

  “What about me?” she shot back suspiciously.

  “Do you have a mate waiting for you to grow up?”

  Anastasia was quiet for a long moment. “No. I do not. And honestly, even though I’m painfully aware that my father is trying to help me out with that, I’m fine on my own. I refuse to settle like Wilhem seems so keen to do. I’ve waited over five hundred years. A few hundred more will make no difference. I want what you and Ethan have, and I’ll settle for nothing less.”

  My sister-in-law had balls. I loved women who had large metaphorical cojones. “And you will have it,” I told her. “I can feel it.”

  Anastasia simply smiled sadly.

  And now, unfortunately, I had to politely ask her to leave… “We have a meeting with Satan in a few minutes. How about you and I meet in the fight training room later this afternoon and have a rematch of our race?”

  Anastasia took the hint. She stood and gave me a warm hug. “Sounds good. I’m on a winning roll today, so beating you should be a cinch.”

  “In your dreams, Vampyre,” I said, hugging her back.

  “We shall see,” she replied as she disappeared in a blast of icy pink glitter.

  “I like that foul-mouthed gal a lot,” Martha said. “We’re gonna do a real special concert for her.”

  “Yep,” Jane confirmed. “I’m thinking some Celine Dion and Elvis with a little Prince and a dash of Queen thrown in.”

  “Sounds frightening,” I told them.

  “Thanks,” Jane said.

  “Welcome.”

  “What do we do now?” Martha asked.

  “We wait,” Ethan said, striding into the room with a grim expression on his handsome face.

  “For?” Jane asked.

  “The Devil,” he replied in a clipped tone. “I do not enjoy owing the Lord of the Underworld anything. But right now, I’m willing to owe a few favors if he can shed any light on what’s happening.”

  “Well, just like we have Astrid’s back, we’ve got yours too,” Jane told him, patting him on the head like he was a child. “We’re gonna let the Devil steal the butthole.”

  “That sounds rather alarming,” Ethan said, completely confused.

  “Don’t you worry your pretty undead head about anything,” Martha said. “Like my asshat partner said, we’ve got your back.”

  Ethan glanced over at me, and I winked. His body relaxed slightly. He nodded to Martha and Jane. “Thank you. It is appreciated… I think. Why don’t you two go to the Situation Room? There’s a discussion about eliminating Zombies. If you’d like to truly have our backs, I think that would be the wisest use of your time right now.”

  “You got it,” Martha said. “And we can teach everyone how to remove a sphincter.”

  “Or not,” I said.

  “We’re at your disposal, Hot Pants and Tatas LaSkin-Sacks,” Jane told Ethan and me, stealing one of Anastasia’s boob terms. “Always.”

  Ethan grinned and shook his head. “As terrifying as that is, again, I thank you for everything.”

  Little did he know that he was thanking them for setting the Devil up to steal a butthole, but I knew he’d get a kick out of it. I’d save the entire story for later… when we needed to laugh.

  Chapter Twelve

  The atmosphere was so tense you could cut it. Uncle Fucker had arrived and thrown a fit that we’d duped him about the office supplies. Luckily—not for him—he was eyeing the wrapped gift with plans of pilfering it. As long as he didn’t open it here, we’d be fine.

  The Devil was not wearing Prada. He was wearing a powder-blue train conductor’s uniform and red cowboy boots. It was adorable. I wasn’t sure if he was aware that he hadn’t changed into an Armani suit, but decided not to mention it. He was already put out enough.

  But that wasn’t the main problem.

  Satan’s tantrum about getting tricked was nothing compared to Levi’s behavior. His glare directed at Satan was so vicious that even the Devil himself was thrown off-kilter. Neither Ethan nor I had known about this ugly wrinkle. I half-expected Ethan to ask Levi to leave. Although, now that I was privy to the animosity, I wanted to understand the reason behind it.

  Levi was an admiral of Hell. If this was the Devil’s relationship with one of his top men, he had a few problems. Not to mention, Levi was his nephew, as I was Satan’s niece.

  “You want to eighty-six the death glares?” I asked my brother. “Not really helping.”

  “No,” he replied.

  “Mmmkay,” I said, trying to figure out the best plan of action. “Maybe you should leave.”

  “Not happening. He can leave.”

  “Not happening,” I snapped. “We need information and Uncle
Fucker has it. Or I hope he does.”

  “Good luck getting anything out of the bastard,” Levi replied coldly. “He’s an asshole.”

  “Of course, he’s an asshole. That’s a given,” I said wanting to roll my eyes, but refraining. “I need to either bribe him or blackmail him, and your ’tude isn’t really helping me reach my goal. Plus, the asshole is family.”

  “I have no family,” Levi said tonelessly, ripping a hole in my non-beating heart.

  “Listen to me, Lord Wrangler Tough Skins. You can pick your nose. You can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. You’re stuck with them. I’m your sister and the asshole is your uncle. I’d suggest you un-wad your panties, pull them out of your crack and get with the program.”

  “The asshole can hear both of you,” Satan hissed, picking up the box and holding it close to his chest. “Just say your piece out loud and I shall be leaving with my gift, since I was misled about the Staples booty. I only have a half hour before Thomas the Tank Engine comes on and I will not be late.”

  “Samuel loved Thomas the Tank Engine too,” I said, hoping to diffuse the friction and move quickly past how many times I’d just called him an asshole. I mean, the truth was the truth, but it wasn’t going to get me anywhere fast.

  “Yes, well, it makes me want to claw my eyes out of my head, but Luke thinks it’s brilliant,” Satan explained. “I keep waiting for George Carlin to cuss out Sir Topham Fucking Hatt, but no luck so far.”

  “Why would George Carlin cuss out a fictional character on a cartoon?” Levi asked, unable to stop himself.

  “First of all, it’s not a cartoon,” Satan grumbled.

  If I wasn’t mistaken, and I don’t think I was, Uncle Fucker seemed secretly delighted that Levi had addressed him without fury or throwing a weapon.

  “Secondly, George Carlin is the narrator. While I was initially excited to hear the news that one of the most brilliantly profane comics was chronicling the sleep-inducing antics of a talking fucking train, I have been wildly disappointed with the results,” he huffed. “I’ve put in a call to Heaven to give George a piece of my mind, but I don’t think that jackass God passed on the message.”

  “Mmkay,” I said, deciding that Satan was a little too volatile at the moment to keep him here too long. I got right to it. “Why is Lizard on a mission in LA? Does it have anything to do with the Zombies? Why did you send Levi to me? Was there a reason? And have you stopped being jealous of Elle’s boobs?”

  “None of that is any of your business,” he replied, seating himself on the couch and putting the channel changer in his pocket.

  Damn, I’d missed the remote. “I beg to differ, Uncle Fucker,” I shot back.

  “There are rarely coincidences in our world,” Ethan said flatly. “There are Zombies in LA—or rather, were Zombies in LA.”

  Satan’s surprised gaze flew to Ethan and he raised a brow. “You destroyed them?”

  “I did,” he replied.

  “One question answered,” Satan said. “If you eliminated them, then your own people are creating them.”

  “Yep, already know that,” I said, thinking that maybe the Devil didn’t know any more than we did. “Is that why you sent Lizard to California? To find out if he could kill them?”

  “Indeed, I did,” Satan said, checking his watch. “Is that all?”

  I glanced over at Ethan. He was staring at the list of names on his desk with a dark expression. While I wasn’t acquainted with the secretive reporters, he apparently was.

  “You’re asking the wrong questions,” Levi commented, leaning back in his chair and crossing his legs.

  “No one asked you,” Satan warned.

  “Makes it all the more fun,” Levi shot back coldly.

  “Would you like to go back to where you were two days ago?” Satan inquired casually as his eyes turned a sparkling red.

  Levi shrugged, but the tightness of his jaw belied his casual attitude. “Doesn’t matter to me.”

  “Where were you?” I asked. “Before you came here.”

  Levi said nothing.

  “Where were you?” I repeated.

  “In Hell,” my brother replied, still glaring at Satan. “In every nuanced sense of the word.”

  “A penance of your own choice,” the Devil snarled, standing up. “I take no blame for what you have elected to do with your eternity, Leviathan.”

  “I call bullshit, old man,” Levi said, rising from the chair with eyes glowing as red as the Devil’s. “You had the final call, you son of a bitch. You always have.”

  “And I always will,” Satan said flatly, then turned his back on his nephew and focused on Ethan and me. “I will tell you this for free. No favors required. Everything is connected. Don’t discount small details that seem unimportant. The old are wise. Where the heart is involved, follow it. The enemy is within and the goal is large.”

  “Cryptic,” Ethan ground out.

  “It’s the way of the Immortals,” Satan said, sounding tired. “You know this as well as I.”

  It wasn’t enough. The stakes were incredibly high, and I was pretty sure a few of those stakes were aimed at Ethan and me. “What are the right questions?” I demanded of Levi.

  “You sent Lizard?” Levi asked the Devil.

  Satan rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. “That has already been established. You have three more questions and then it will cost you.”

  “Me,” I cut in. “It will cost me. Not Levi.”

  “The one who asks the questions shall pay the price,” Uncle Fucker announced smugly.

  “You will owe him nothing,” Levi growled. “I will owe him.”

  “Nope. No can do, brother. Plus, Uncle Fucker owes me at the moment, so it’s a wash,” I replied. “Although, your assistance would be greatly appreciated.”

  “Not. A. Problem. It would be my pleasure to screw with Satan,” Levi said, with a humorless smile.

  “I’m standing right here,” Satan said with an eye roll. “And while I adore being the topic of conversation, I’m not enjoying this one.”

  Levi stood and took a step toward the Devil. The Devil took a step toward Levi. It was looking like we might have bigger problems than Zombies.

  “Enough,” Ethan said, moving between the two men. “I’d prefer the Cressida House stay in one piece. We have two more questions. I would like them answered.”

  “Fine,” Satan huffed. “You have five minutes.”

  “Ask him how many Zombies Lizard found.”

  “How many Zombies did Lizard find?” I asked.

  “You’re cheating,” Satan shouted, stomping his foot and setting a priceless rug on fire.

  I waved my hand and doused the flames. “Yep. Learned that from you.”

  “Compliments will get you nowhere,” he growled, trying to bite back a smirk.

  He failed. Any and all kinds of unsavory behavior delighted the Devil.

  “Answer me,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest, mimicking Levi’s stance.

  “Ten living dead as of this morning.”

  I glanced at Levi as he considered the next question.

  “Are you aware of the why, or who, as well as the motive of the Zombies or their creators?” he coached.

  “Damn you’re good,” I told him.

  “Yes,” Levi agreed. “I am.”

  “That is a four-and-a-half-part single question.”

  I turned to Satan and waited. He could hear Levi as clearly as I could. There was no reason to repeat.

  Satan’s eyes narrowed as he stared at Levi. “You’re playing with fire, boy. And the answer to the question is no.”

  Without moving a single muscle or body part, Levi threw a bolt of glittering blood-red voodoo at the Devil. It sent Satan flying across the room. His huge frame slammed into the wall with a sickening thud.

  I screamed and threw up a barrier of magic between the men. It was crystal clear and shimmered with power. “Really not smart,” I snapped a
t Levi as Satan got to his feet and began to laugh.

  “You’ve wanted to do that your entire life. Congratulations. It was outstanding and hurt like a motherfucker,” he said.

  Levi walked right up to the enchanted boundary and flipped the Devil off. “Very magnanimous of you to push it too far. It was quite enjoyable.”

  I had no clue what they were talking about, but if I could breathe, I would have sighed with massive relief. If anyone else other than Elle had attacked Satan like that, they would be a pile of ash.

  “Okay,” I said, my gaze bouncing between the two Demons. “No more games. No more trying to end each other. I really don’t have time for that kind of shit today. According to the gossip magazines, our own people are trying to remove us from the throne. We have Zombies eating Vampyres and apparently Vampyres creating the Zombies.”

  “Harsh,” Levi muttered.

  “Understatement,” Ethan said.

  I kept going. Maybe by saying it out loud, it would make sense. “Ethan and some of the Elite Guards eliminated ten Zombies yesterday. Lizard says there are ten more today. On top of that shitshow, Ethan’s brother has called in his army to help with the situation, which would undercut our authority in a big bad way. Martha and Jane are teaching the Elite Guards how to remove sphincters as we speak, and I’m wearing a crown and combat boots. So, you can see how you guys killing each other wouldn’t work for me today.”

  “Martha and Jane are here?” Levi asked.

  Of all the questions he could have asked after my information vomit, that one was unexpected. “You know Martha and Jane?”

  “Everyone knows Martha and Jane,” Satan said with a shudder. “Let’s start with the basics. Do you have enemies?” Satan asked Ethan and me.

  “Is that a trick question?” I shot back with an enormous eye roll. “Yesss, we have enemies.”

  “Astrid is correct,” Ethan admitted. “However, none in my Dominion that I believe would create monsters to kill our own.”

  “Then look outside your Dominion,” Levi suggested.

  “What he said,” Satan added. “Did you listen to the ridiculously cryptic message I spoke earlier?”