Faithless

by Amanda Bennett

  "Deal."

  "Really?" I was shocked. Never in a million years did I think she would agree to this, not with how guarded she was.

  "Yes, really. But, if I don't like certain questions then I may not answer."

  "Okay, but if that's the case, then I get to ask another."

  She hesitantly nodded her head. "So are you going to answer my last question?" She asked.

  "No. I do believe I have answered one question, now it's your turn." I smiled across the table at her and for the first time since I had met her, she smiled. It didn't reach her eyes, but it was a smile nonetheless.

  "Yes. This is my first time here."

  I pondered my next question as I soaked in the tiny nuggets of information she was now offering up. "K, your turn."

  "Why have you tried so many times to....um...you know..."give up"?"

  "Bad habit?" I chuckled. She didn't look amused, so I quickly stopped laughing and answered her honestly. "No one ever taught me how not to give up. It just seemed easier than dealing with the pain." The crease in her brow lifted and I could feel the atmosphere around us change. "Why did you try to leave us?"

  I could see her eyes begin to mist up, but this was one answer I really needed to know. "I had no reason to stay."

  I took what she said and thought about it. She was right, sometimes there is no reason to stay. I just found it hard to believe that someone like her would give up so easily. I suppose everybody has their own demons they fight everyday.

  "My turn. Do you have a family?"

  If I didn't know any better, I would almost think that she was asking certain questions so I would ask the same ones. Part of me felt as though she wanted someone to know what was going on with her, and I felt honored that she felt as if she could trust me with her hurt and pain. "I do."

  "That's it?" She started to pout and I couldn't help but smile at her.

  "I have a mom, a dad and a sister. What about you? Any family?"

  She began fidgeting in her chair, "None to speak of." Interesting. We would definitely have to come back and revisit that one at a later date.

  "Tristan?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Why do you want to get to know me so badly?"

  Ah the question of the hour. "I find you interesting, Riley. You're not like any other girl I've met, and I can tell that you've been hurt. I want to be there for you. I never had that, so I wanted to give that to you." My answer surprised me, but it was mostly true. She continued to look at me with those doe eyes in wonder. I was suddenly starting to feel like a caged animal, when one of the nurses approached us.

  "Mr. Hayes, Ms. Turner, I do believe it's time to head back to your rooms."

  "Sorry, Jan. We let the time slip away from us."

  "No worries, Mr. Hayes. I'll see you both in the morning."

  "Goodnight, Jan." We both responded in unison, making us both smile. This time, her smile reached her eyes.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Riley

  I never intended to actually answer any of Tristan's questions, but he had a way of making me feel confident and at ease. If he was willing to open up to me, then I suppose I could open up to him, a little bit at least. We both headed back to our rooms and when I had to break off to go down my hallway, Tristan stopped for a minute and stared at me.

  "Thank you, Riley."

  "For what?" Confusion hung heavy in my words.

  "For letting me in, even if it was just a little bit."

  "You're welcome. Goodnight Tristan."

  "Goodnight Riley."

  The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual. I hadn't slept well, due to Tristan's voice running through every thought. I gathered my clothes and headed into the bathroom in my room. I turned on the shower, letting the small room fill with steam as I undressed in front of the small mirror in front of me. I gently ran my fingers down the faded scars that covered my torso and upper thighs. The memory of each one played back as I touched each individual one. Some were shorter than others, but the majority of them were about five inches in length. The memories began to become overwhelming and I took that as a sign to walk away. As I entered the scorching shower, I let the water run over every inch of my body, secretly wishing the water could wash away the pain and fear that they held deep inside. It would only work for a short while, but without fail after I would dry myself off, the pain would return.

  I dressed quickly, knowing people would be waking up soon. Today I had opted for a pair of tight denim capris and a somewhat tight fitting, royal blue V-neck. I brushed through my long locks and decided to leave them down for today. I wasn't sure what had changed inside of me between yesterday and today, but I knew who was assisting that change, Tristan.

  I was making my way out of my room when I heard a familiar voice calling my name. I turned to see Mr. Rollins walking in my direction. I crossed my arms firmly over my chest. Maybe it was my instinctual response to be guarded at all times, but something about Mr. Rollins made me feel uncomfortable. He had never been anything but nice, and not overly nice, but my stomach turned whenever I was alone with him.

  "Hi, Mr. Rollins."

  "Good morning, Riley. How are you feeling today?"

  "Honestly, better than yesterday." Yesterday this would've been a lie, but today, it almost seemed true enough for even me to believe.

  "That's great. I was wondering if you would be willing to do a one on one therapy session with me outside of the hospital today? I have something in mind that may help you, but only if you're open to it."

  My body went rigid and my heart rate spiked. I hadn't been alone with a man since I was seventeen and I wasn't looking forward to it now. "Can I think about it?"

  "Of course. Just let me know after group. Sound good?"

  I nodded my head and quickly walked back to the confines and safety of my room. When I shut the door, I frantically went in search of my sweatshirt. It was the only thing I had left of my father, and it brought me comfort and an escape. I tugged the old ratty thing over my head and then made my way to the group therapy room. Today I was actually looking forward to going.

  When I walked in, only a few other people had made it so far and Tristan wasn't one of them. I took my usual seat, pulling my feet underneath me and crossing my arms across my chest. I didn't look up, until I heard the chair next to me skid on the floor with the weight of the person sitting down in it. When I looked over from the corner of my eye, I found Tristan staring at me.

  "Good morning."

  "Morning." I whispered.

  "Why are you always so quiet in here?" He whispered back.

  I shrugged my shoulders, letting my arms fall gracefully onto my lap. I was about to ask him a question, when Mr. Rollins cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

  "Well, I hope you all had a good night last night. Today we are going to talk about trust. Trust is a very important thing in life. Sometimes trusting the wrong person can get you into trouble and sometimes it can save your life. Who here trusts someone in their life? Please raise your hands."

  Everybody except for me and one other person raised their hands.

  "Okay, you can put them down now. Now, we are going to go around the room and say who that one person is. If you didn't raise your hands, I would like you to think of the one person who made you lose that trust. Let's start with Katie."

  "My mom. She's the only person I trust."

  "Good. Next person, please."

  Everyone in the circle had named at least one person they trusted. I wanted to be part of that group. I wanted someone that I could trust with any and everything, but honestly, I didn't know what trusting someone felt like.

  "Riley, now you didn't raise your hand. Would you like to tell us who made you lose your trust?"

  "Sure." I grumbled. "My mother."

  "Interesting. Do you want to give us a reason why?"

  Mr. Rollins was being extra pushy today and I didn't like it. "Not really. Do I have to?" I could see Tristan out of the
corner of my eye. He was staring straight ahead. Not once had he looked at me since group started.

  "You don't have to, but I think this will be beneficial for you to say."

  I slammed my hands down on the sides of my chair. "My mother, because she never wanted me. My mother, because she tried to drown me when I was three, just so she wouldn't have to take care of me anymore. There, does that make you happy?" I snapped. Now I was livid. Usually Mr. Rollins was understanding, caring even, but today he just seemed to want to press my buttons.

  "Good job, Riley. You're making good progress. Now let's move on to Tristan. Now Tristan, you did raise your hand. Who do you trust?"

  "Riley."

  My mouth dropped open and a small gasp slipped out. I was utterly shocked by his veracity. For crying out loud, he barely even knew me. I glanced over at him, seeking an answer for why he said my name, but he still refused to look at me.

  "Wow, I see our Riley here has had quite an effect on you."

  "What can I say, she understands me in a way that no one else ever has."

  "That's great. I hope you two can keep talking about things and opening up to one another."

  As the words came rolling off of Mr. Rollins’ tongue, the tone in his voice became bitter. I wasn't sure how to feel about all of this, but both of their behavior was really starting to throw me for a loop. I shook my head in disgust. I wasn't sure if Tristan was using me to get himself out of here quicker, but Mr. Rollins reaction was just as puzzling.

  I hardly paid any attention the rest of group. I found myself lost in a daze trying to decipher the hidden meaning in Tristan's answer. There was definitely something he wasn't telling me. When Mr. Rollins called the end of group, I stiffened in my chair knowing I was supposed to give him an answer as to what my decision was. Suddenly an idea hit me, and I stood up quickly to make my way over to Mr. Rollins.

  "Did you decide, Riley?"

  "I did. I'll go, if I can bring someone along."

  "And who would that be?"

  "Tristan."

  I watched shock fall over Mr. Rollins and Tristan's face. "What? Why me?"

  "Why not." I replied.

  "I'm not sure that's a good idea, Riley. This is something I think you need to deal with on your own."

  "Well that's the only way I'm going. So take it or leave it." I watched Mr. Rollins ponder what I just said for a few minutes.

  "Tristan, are you willing to go?"

  "I have no idea where we're even going?" He looked scared.

  "Neither does Riley, so I guess you two can help each other with this."

  "Alright, yeah. Let's go."

  ~~~~

  We had been driving for a little over twenty minutes down the Pacific Coast Highway, when I started to realize exactly where we were going. I could feel my palms getting sweaty, and my heart start to race. I hadn't been back to this spot and I didn't plan on it anytime soon. This was the spot that I had planned to leave this earth. This was the place that a perfect stranger took my will to make my own choices away from me. I looked over at Tristan who didn't seem to have a clue what was going on. I looked at him pleading for him to ask Mr. Rollins to take us back, but he didn't. He just simply placed his hand, palm up in between us. I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out as I placed my hand on top of his. My fingers slid down between each of his and he slowly closed his hand around mine. For the first time in my life I didn't pull away, and I didn't feel scared. I almost felt....safe.

  We pulled onto the dirt road that led to the top of the cliff overlooking Malibu. Mr. Rollins put the car in park and waited for us to exit. When he realized I wasn't moving, he turned to look at me, but our entangled hands distracted him.

  "Riley, what is this place?"

  "Somewhere I don't want to be." I felt Tristan squeeze my hand in support and I let out an audible breath.

  "I understand that, but I think you need to face what brought you to my therapy group, before we go any further."

  I nodded in agreement and reached for the door handle with my free hand. Tristan looked shocked as I exited the car still holding onto his hand. He had no choice but to follow behind me. I slowly made my way over to the edge where I had been eight days earlier. I leaned forward a bit, looking down below, when Tristan tugged on my fingers.

  "You don't have to do this."

  I turned and looked at him as my fingers left his grip. "Yes I do."

  I stepped closer to the edge and took in a cleansing breath. It was an amazing feeling being this high up with nothing below to catch me. I didn't get the urge to jump, but the thought had passed quickly through my mind.

  "Why did you come here that night, Riley?"

  I closed my eyes as the wind whipped around me. "I came up here, to end my life." It was the first time I had admitted this to anyone out loud.

  "What made you pick this spot?"

  "This was the last place I had been with my dad, before he died."

  "And when was that?"

  "When I was three, I think. I know I shouldn't be able to remember things from when I was that young, but it was the last memory I have of him. He brought me here two months before my third birthday. We had a picnic of sorts. I remember a pink balloon and a basket full of toys." I kept my eyes closed as I spoke. I couldn't find it in myself to look at either of them.

  "And what happened when you jumped?"

  I shook my head, "I didn't jump. I just fell forward, but someone grabbed me. Someone saved me that night."

  "Why do you think someone saved you?"

  "Honestly, I don't know, but I wish they would've just let me go." I turned around to look at Tristan. Just his presence made me want to talk about things, to be honest with myself. When my eyes caught his, they had a sadness to them that I hadn't seen yet. "Why should I live, when I have nothing to live for?" The question hung in the air. Both men seemed to be contemplating what I was really saying.

  "Because sometimes living is braver than giving up." Tristan's words surprised me. He was the person who seemed to always be giving up, so why would he tell me not to?

  "How can you say that?"

  "Because I've tried to give up too many times and believe me, it's not worth it. Someone, somewhere would miss you."

  "I doubt that." I whispered. Tristan stepped closer to me and I held up my hand for him to back off. "Not everyone has that, Tristan. Not everyone has faith in people like you do."

  "I have faith in you, Riley."

  My eyes shot up to his. I wondered why this man in front of me could still find faith in the world, yet still try to leave it so many times.

  Flashbacks of that night flashed quickly through my mind. I remember falling. I remember dying. I remember a hand pulling me up, and I remember shouting to let me go. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I shuddered at the touch, until I saw that it was Tristan.

  "It's okay to want to live, Riley."

  "I know, but it's also scary to want something I've never wanted before." I stared at his mesmerizing face, as I experienced emotions that I had never felt before.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Tristan

  I couldn't take my eyes off of Riley, as she stood there staring at me. She was something special. I could feel it. Over the last couple of days, her eyes had gone from a dull stormy blue to a bright, almost glowing blue. She was absolutely beautiful, in the most simplistic way. I felt myself needing her. She tugged at my heart in a way that I had never felt before. She gave me hope, and made me have faith in something.

  Riley turned away from me and made her way back over to the edge. I struggled to stay where I stood. I didn't want to see anything happen to her again, and I sure as hell wasn't about to lose someone, who meant so much to me in such a short amount of time. I caught Mr. Rollins out of the corner of my eye, looking at Riley in a way that only another man could recognize. He liked her.

  I took a few steps in Riley's direction to see how he would react, and just as I thought, he stepped towards her also
. I reached for Riley's hand just as she looked over the edge. I must've startled her, because she tried to jerk her hand away form mine. She almost instantly relaxed when she realized it was my touch. The electricity that flowed through my veins as her fingers wrapped around mine, sent shivers down my spine. All I could hope for was that she could feel it too.

  I stepped up next to her, still holding her hand tightly, "Riley, are you okay?"

  She gave a small nod before she turned to look at me. "Thank you, Tristan. You being here means more to me than you will ever understand."

  "Can I hug you?" I knew she was timid with people touching her, so I wanted to make her feel as comfortable as possible. She nodded, and I tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. The wind had picked up a bit and I didn't want anything obstructing my view of her beautiful face. I gave her a full smile before I pulled her into my chest, wrapping my arms around her tiny body. She was extremely tense at first, but after a minute or two her body finally relaxed into mine. She fit perfectly against my body, and I couldn't help but wonder, what it would feel like to lie next to her. To feel her skin against my own, with no barriers between us and nothing to break us apart. My eyes fluttered shut as the cool ocean breeze passed through her hair and straight into my nose. Her smell mixed with the smell of the ocean, was intoxicating. Before she had the chance to push me away due to her own insecurities, I pulled back. As much as I didn't want to, I knew I had to, if I wanted to get close to her.

  The space she had been taking up against my chest instantly went cold, and I regretted letting her go. I missed her warmth and I really didn't want her to feel rejected. That was the last thing I wanted to make her feel, but I could tell by the look on her face that, that was exactly how she felt.

  Luckily, before she could over think anything, Mr. Rollins was saddling up to her side.

  "Riley, I have to say, I think you've made some great progress today. Not only did you face the last place you were before you tried to end your life, but you also let almost a complete stranger touch and hold you. I think that's amazing."