by S. Allen
Ro shook his head. “No, just drinking and smoking some.” He had to be honest with Vinnie.
“What about school? These people seem real nice. They want you to succeed. Why take the bus back to the old ‘hood?”
“I don’t know. I mean, Pete’s real good to me, but he doesn’t understand.”
“Understand what?”
“You know, what it’s like. He jumps when he hears a gun fire. He wanted me to transfer schools, but then I’d have to rebuild my street cred again.”
“Christ, Ro. That’s how it should be. Is this what you really want with your life? You want to be the tough guy? You want to spend more time locked up than working for a real living? Are you proud of the man you’re growing up to be?”
“I don’t know what else to be.” Ro was lost. He’d blindly followed the loudest example in his life. He turned to look at Vinnie. His hair was military short, face shaved, wearing unripped, well-fitting jeans and a button down shirt. He sat up straight and looked Ro directly in the eye. He let the silence wrap around them, allowing Ro to reflect and reevaluate himself. This was who Ro wanted to be, someone confident and proud. Someone who could look at the man he admired most in the eye while they talked. The last two years had been a blur of bad choices and no vision of the future. He had given up on himself.
“Well, kid, you need to figure it out. You’re smart and have a huge heart. I believe in you, but you have to believe too. You have to want it and be willing to work for it. You deserve a future that doesn’t include bars.”
“I want to be like you,” Ro whispered.
“That’s a start. Now you have to put in the work to straighten out your life. You know you’re not alone, but this is going to be your journey, your sweat and tears. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be worth it.”
Ro nodded and carefully considered Vinnie’s words. Was he ready to make some serious life changes? Did he really have an option if he wasn’t? No, he was out of time and opportunities. It was time to swallow the bitter pill his decisions had led to and start taking the steps to become the man he wanted to be.
Pete knocked on the door to let them know dinner was ready.
“Pete?” Ro’s voiced wavered. He needed to change things and he needed to do it now. There were going to be consequences for his actions and he was ready to face them. “Can you come in here, please?”
“Ro, I don’t think this is a good time to talk. I’m upset and I don’t want to make things worse.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything and I’m ready to change.” Ro rushed out hoping Pete would hear him out.
“What does that mean?” Pete sat on the other side of Ro on the bed.
“I’ve been real angry since coming here. I lost the little direction I had when Vinnie joined the Army. I know he had to and I thought I’d be okay. But after coming out of the hospital, I just didn’t care anymore. I’m sorry I wouldn’t talk to anyone. You’ve been real good to me and I didn’t, couldn’t believe that you actually cared. I saw tonight. I saw I hurt you and disappointed you. You expect me to be a better man because I am. Nobody thinks I can be better. No one expects anything of me. Even the teachers don’t read my papers. They just give me C’s to get me out of their rooms and on to the next. I’m not trying to live. It’s like I’m trying to hustle life but in the end I’m the one being conned.”
Pete sat there shocked. He wrapped his arms around Ro and cried. “I don’t know what to say. I’m proud of you. And I’ll be here. You are not alone.”
Ro leaned into Pete and let the emotions roll through him. He was elated and scared. Could he be a good man? If he depended on these people, would they be there when he needed them? He was going to overwrite the only lesson he learned growing up—you can only depend on yourself—and trust Pete and Vinnie to help him.
“Ro, we’re going to get through this. We’ll get an attorney and change schools and, and…” Pete laughed through his tears. “We are going to be okay. You are going to be okay.”
Ro smiled and glance at his cousin. “Yeah, we are. I’m going to do it right.” It wasn’t easy and there were some detours, but Ro kept true to his word. The judge gave him community service, which Vinnie had him commit to the youth center and he transferred schools and kept his grades up. Sighing he wondered what Julian thought of his tale.
“Jules, are still with me?”
“You’re amazing. You made the decision and owned who you would be. I’m not that strong. I’ve been hiding behind Grey’s death for years.” Julian admitted. “I want to be with you right now. After sharing something so personal I want to look you in the eye and tell you how much I admire you.”
“I want to hold you in my arms. I know we’re not there yet, but I can be patient.”
“You have been.”
“Good things are always worth the wait. Maybe next weekend we can go to a movie or grab a dinner that doesn’t have a time limit. No pressure. I just want to spend some time with you.”
“Ro, you deserve someone so much better than me.” Julian’s voice sounded tired and sad. “I can’t next weekend. In fact you might not hear much from me.”
“What? I don’t understand.” Ro tired to hide the worry that he knew was evident in his voice.
“I know and I can’t explain it yet. I’m sorry, but it’s something personal I have to take care of by myself.”
“Jules, I’m here if you need me for anything.”
“I know. I just need a little more time and then we can start moving things forward. I don’t have the right to ask you for anything, but you make me feel so good. This I can give you now, my honesty. You are very important to me and I just need to get through this next weekend. I’ll talk to you about it after, but not now.”
“Alright, Jules.”
“Thank you.”
***
Julian tossed and turned all night. He wondered if he was doing the right thing. He wanted Ro in his life. But after hearing how Ro overcame his own personal struggles—one’s that definitely made Julian’s pale in comparison—he needed to stand up and get over his shit. And this weekend was going to be the test.
Julian took Friday off from work. It was the official anniversary of Greyson’s death and he couldn’t bear to be around anyone. He picked up a small potted ivy before heading over to the cemetery. Greyson had thought flowers were too feminine, too loud and simply a waste. Julian loved flowers, with their bright colors and varying fragrances. He almost bought a bouquet of wild flowers but quickly changed his mind. This was in remembrance of Greyson, not for him.
Julian walked the familiar path and squatted down to place the non-flower plant next to Greyson’s grave. He felt compelled to say something, but he wasn’t sure what. Should he be angry, sad or maybe recap happy memories from their relationship? He looked over to an elderly woman a few rows over. She had tears running down her cheeks and was in deep conversation with the gravestone she sat over.
Julian closed his eyes and willed the tears to come. He’d felt numb for so long that he was desperate to feel anything. Squinting his eyes tighter in an effort to bring on at least one tear, a flash of Ro’s smile blinded his conscious. Without effort he smiled and the guilt for what he was feeling for Ro pulled the tears forward. Guilt for his developing feelings for Ro wrung hot tears from Julian. He was supposed to love Greyson, but Grey had never brought such a light happiness to Julian, a freedom to be himself and proud of it.
“Julian, get your foot out of the grave and let’s go.” A deep voice brought Julian out of the mind-fog he was wallowing in.
“Sammy, what are you doing here?” They’d been friends since high school and had stayed close ever since.
“Saving your sorry ass. What do you think you’re doing right now?”
“Having myself a pity party,” Julian said confidently.
“Man, you throw the lamest parties.” Sammy smiled and shook his head.
“What are you doing in Washington?”
Sammy and Julian would rotate visits the week following Grey’s anniversary.
“I’m here for my yearly visit, asshole.”
“I thought you were coming next week.”
“I assumed you forgot I was coming a week early when you weren’t at the airport to pick me up. Remember, I’m starting that new project for work next week. Being the good friend that I am, I remembered what today is and knew where to find you. Come on, let’s get out of here. I want tacos and margaritas.” Sammy walked away without affirmation from Julian but knew he would follow anyway.
Julian trailed behind Sammy relieved to have some company. Sammy was right, he did throw terrible parties. But it would have been rude to not show up to his own shindig, especially since he was the only one invited. His friend stood patiently by his car, luggage in hand. Julian sighed at his forgetfulness and apologized as he loaded Sammy’s bags into the trunk. He drove them to a small cantina on the waterfront. Sammy picked a table on the deck and as luck would have it the sun broke through the clouds. Julian chuckled and sat down.
They talked about inconsequential things, like the weather and Sammy’s trip before the food arrived. Julian couldn’t remember the last time he’d enjoyed a taco.
“I know you didn’t like Grey, but seriously you are choosing to enjoy everything he hated on the date of his death?” Julian lifted one eyebrow sardonically.
Sammy shrugged innocently. “Yeah, I can hear him muttering about the harmful effects of the sun, the fat content of Mexican food and the pointlessness of alcohol and blah, blah, blah. But today isn’t about him. It may be the anniversary of his death, but right now, right here we are celebrating you.”
“What?” Julian nearly choked on his margarita.
“It’s time for you to live. As your closest friend, I’m putting a stop to this pointless grieving.”
“Pointless?” Julian felt outraged. “I loved him and he died.”
“Just because you loved him doesn’t mean he was the love of your life. He wasn’t right for you. Now before you freak out any more, just hear me out. Remember freshman year when I was dating Jessica?”
“How could I forget that bitch?” Julian huffed. She was as beautiful as she was hateful. Long blonde hair, plump lips that always had something negative to say and clear blue eyes that never missed an opportunity to manipulate a situation to her best advantage, no matter the consequences.
“Well, she was the first girl I ever loved. We were extremely volatile together and everything was always to the extreme. We brought out the worst and best in each other and it broke me a little when we stopped dating, but it was for the best. We would have destroyed each other. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
“No.” Julian looked down at the table, shamed he hadn’t realized how badly his best friend had been hurting back then.
“What I’m trying to say is I’m pretty sure you guys would have broken up if he hadn’t died. And your guilt over that very important fact is keeping you from really living. You weren’t even pretending to be happy that last year. You were like a faded version of the guy I met in high school.”
“People grow up.” Julian defended not wanting to admit how truly miserable he’d been towards the end.
“Yes they do, but Greyson was trying to turn you into a computer drone.” Sammy paused and took a long drink, finishing his margarita. “He died and I’m sorry you had to go through that, but it’s time to stop living like a storefront mannequin. Go shopping and get laid.”
“You don’t understand,” Julian said softly.
“I do. He wasn’t a bad guy. I know he loved you, but you weren’t right for each other. He kept trying to change you and you kept trying to live up to his expectations. You know what? Let’s grab a bottle of tequila, reminisce on the good times and maybe tomorrow you can let go.”
Julian nodded and signaled for their check.
Sammy walked into Julian’s apartment and threw his bags on the beige sofa. He looked around taking precise note of how pristine the place looked. “Jeez, Julian, do you actually live here or is this secretly a hotel?”
“What are you talking about? It’s not like this is the first time you’ve been here.”
“I know, but I was sorta hoping you’d expand your styling taste to something beyond catalogue chic by now.”
“You are just talking crazy. This is the same stuff that was in the house before I moved into this apartment. Greyson was the one with a sense of style.”
Sammy let the conversation go seeing that Julian was never going to admit the place felt hollow. Julian had an eclectic, almost manic style, collecting oddball items, basically anything that caught his attention. Greyson had put a leash on Julian’s spirit. Hopefully, some tequila sprinkled with a miracle, and Sammy would be able to awaken some of that back out of his friend.
They had been drinking and talking for several hours before the sun set. Julian had changed into faded black sweats and a black tank top that looked like the moths had been feasting on it for a while.
“Do you own any clothing in something other than varying shades of fading black?” Sammy teased. He was lounging in bright red board shorts and a white t-shirt. “Do you remember when you dyed all the lab coats from the chemistry department? I still can’t believe people paid you to do it.”
“I know. The first one was a practical joke. I dyed Jack Peterson’s pink because he wouldn’t stop with the homophobic jokes. How was I supposed to know it’d be a hit?” Julian leaned over the arm of the couch in a fit of laughter. The head of the chemistry department wasn’t happy at first, but when he saw it as a way for the students to bond together against the biology department, he was all for it. Both science departments were huge and held a Geek Week of competition between the two at the end of every school year. It was a bit overwhelming to see the chemistry students cloaked in vividly colored coats versus the sea of white-coated biology students during the competition that year. Julian hadn’t majored in chemistry, but he had been proud to be a part of the winning department that year.
“Hey, why’s your second bedroom full of boxes?” Sammy squinted his eyes in a drunken attempt to remember how long Julian had lived in that apartment.
“Yeah, I’ve been here since the house, you know.” Julian correctly interpreted the eye squint. “And you called it earlier, it’s full of boxes because I’m not living. When he died, I immediately moved out of the house and stuffed the spare room with boxes mostly of his stuff and other shit I didn’t need but wasn’t ready to get rid of.”
“Okay. Let’s order a pizza and then we’re going to go through all those boxes.” Sammy pulled out his cell phone and called their order in.
An hour and two large pizzas later, Sammy burped loudly before asking, “Alright now that I’ve eaten my drunkenness down to a pleasant buzz, do you really want to go through these boxes or simply put them out for donation pick-up?” He kicked one of the boxes with his shoeless foot.
“Remind me why we are doing this?” Julian fell into a dusty beanbag in the crowded storage room. The beanbag had been his favorite spot while studying and he’d refused to give it up when he moved in with Greyson. Grey had put it up in the rafters of their garage forbidding Julian from actually using the ‘tacky’ item in their home.
“Is that the bag from our dorm?” Sammy asked awed.
“Yup.”
“I can’t believe you still have it. I remember Greyson hated that thing. He always made some rude fucking comment about it not being a proper chair and how it was going to mess up the alignment of your back or some bullshit every time he caught you lounging in it.”
“I couldn’t get rid of it. It was the first real thing I ever bought for myself for college, you know? Not clothes, books or food. I bought it new, not at the thrift store or picked it up behind some dumpster, like so much of our furniture.” Julian shrugged.
“Hey, we found our coffee table and kitchen chairs in front of a dumpster. Those things were awesome an
d it saved us from dipping into our beer money.” Sammy defended as he ripped open the box in front of him. “Hey, isn’t this your camera bag?”
“I haven’t used my camera in, I can’t even remember when.” Julian began pulling the camera out of its bag. The camera and leather bag had been a graduation gift from his mom before he moved into the dorms at the university. The leather was worn from rubbing against his body as he carried it, giving it an authentic vintage appearance. Julian had carried it everywhere his first year in college. He smiled remembering how good it had felt to look through the lens and capture life as it was happening.
“The walk-in closet in here could be turned into a darkroom.” Sammy hedged. He knew Julian had loved photography and had even won a few amateur competitions before he packed it away with the rest of his young adult life. Greyson had been adamant that they fully embrace their emergence into adulthood with the graduation of their college careers; he had little patience for anything he considered childish.
Julian continued to pull items out of the box. “I totally forgot I had a collection of treasure trolls. Remember these things?”
“How could I forget those ugly, smiling faces?” Sammy grabbed one with an orange tuft of hair, leaving Julian holding the one with neon green hair. He rubbed his thumb over its jeweled belly button for luck. “Let’s hit the casinos for some bingo.”
“This is amazing. I’m beginning to think there’s going to be a lot of my stuff in here. When Grey insisted that I get rid of my childish things, I relented but was rebellious enough to keep everything.” Julian huffed, disgusted with himself. “Why did I go along with him?”