Someone Else's Baby

by Someone Else's Baby (retail) (epub)

  ‘Yeah, sounds good to me, what do you think, hun?’

  Now he was asking! I nodded. The extra money would be handy. I’d be able to afford fresh fruit for Alice rather than that syrupy muck out of a tin. But what if I miscarried again? Would we have to pay it back? I couldn’t even bear to ask.

  ‘As soon as I’ve had a normal period, we’ll be ready to try again.’ I picked Alice up and wiped rusk off her face. Her nappy stank.

  ‘We could meet at the same hotel.’ Brenda blew her nose.

  ‘Fine with us.’ Steve stood up. ‘More tea anyone?’

  ‘Please.’ Brenda gently elbowed Malcolm, who nodded. She passed Steve their mugs.

  ‘Didn’t drink any alcohol did you?’ Malcolm asked.

  Did he really just ask that? ‘Of course not,’ I said.

  ‘Or soft cheese, coffee?’

  ‘No!’ I wasn’t going to admit to anything.

  ‘Would you consider giving up work for the whole nine months?’

  ‘Look, I’m sorry, I’m not being funny, but even if you wrap me up in cotton wool, these things just happen.’ I lifted Alice up and kissed her forehead.

  ‘Are you suggesting Charlotte wasn’t careful?’ Steve topped up the teas and clonked them on the coffee table a bit too loudly.

  ‘It’s okay, Steve, they’re entitled to ask.’

  Everyone stayed silent for several moments. The air was thick with the words we all wanted to say.

  ‘These factors come into it. It’s too easy to become complacent,’ Malcolm said.

  ‘Charlotte was as careful as it’s possible to be. I mean she loves a bit of Brie and all the rest of it. She’s sacrificing a lot.’

  ‘Can we set a date now?’ Brenda asked me as though it was just the two of us. She took her diary out.

  ‘Okay, give us a sec and I’ll have a look.’ I passed Alice to Steve.

  ‘Three weeks from now or is that too soon?’ Brenda pressed open the pocket-sized pages.

  I took the calendar down from the wall and checked my period dates. ‘How about four, maybe five weeks? I’ll let you know for certain nearer the time. Make sure I’m all back to normal.’

  Malcolm nodded. ‘Good. We want you to be in the best of health. Are you still taking supplements?’

  ‘Yes and I promise I’ll carry on with them.’ I would be much more careful with everything this time.

  ‘We’re just so grateful, aren’t we, Malcolm?’

  He nodded at his wife and his eyes misted over. Poor bloke. All he wanted was to be a dad.

  He pushed himself up. ‘Where’s your bathroom?’

  ‘He worries about every little thing,’ Brenda whispered when he’d gone, ‘and he doesn’t like to show how hard this is for him, how much he’s hurting.’

  I sat next to her and touched her arm with my fingertips. ‘Brenda, I have to be really honest, if this one doesn’t take, I’m not sure I can do it again.’ I didn’t want to upset her even more, but the words slipped out.

  Brenda looked down at the hanky she was twisting in her lap. The muffled sound of Malcolm speaking on his mobile drifted in.

  ‘You do understand this is really stressful for me too?’ I said.

  ‘It must be, I’m sorry. I hope this next one is our miracle baby.’ Brenda appealed to me with her eyes. I felt bad for coming out with it, but I had to be honest.

  ‘Sorry to cut this short, but we need to get going.’ Malcolm stood at the door frowning, his face drawn and pale. Losing the baby must have really knocked him sideways.

  Brenda glared at him.

  ‘Wave bye, bye,’ I said to Alice, holding her hand up and gently waving it.

  Brenda kissed the top of Alice’s downy head. ‘Hope to see you both in a few weeks. Let’s all pray that this time luck shines on us.’ She gave me a hug, and then Steve. Malcolm shook my hand firmly. I searched his face for what he might be feeling, but he wouldn’t look directly at me. My dad had been the same, holding it all in until the weight of loss, the built-up emotion, broke him in two. I hoped this didn’t happen to Brenda and Malcolm.

  Steve saw them to the main door while I watched from the kitchenette window with Alice. They drove off in their brand new Jag.

  ‘You were supposed to let me say about trying again,’ I told Steve when he came back in.

  ‘Saved you the trouble.’ He grinned.

  ‘No. You should have left it to me. What if I’d decided not to do it?’ I sat Alice on her playmat and handed her a teething ring.

  ‘Oh come on. You wanted this, remember?’ He opened the fridge, took out a cold beer and rolled it up and down his cheek.

  ‘Yes all right.’ I play-slapped his arm.

  ‘Now I can transfer the money to Jack and pay off our bills.’ He opened his laptop.

  ‘I’m just worried something will go wrong again.’

  ‘Why would it?’

  ‘We must be sensible with the rest of the money.’

  ‘I know.’ He drank a mouthful of beer and logged in to our joint bank account. ‘Don’t you think it was a bit weird him not knowing if his wife takes sugar or not?’

  ‘Yeah, maybe. She probably told him she’s on a no-sugar diet and he didn’t take any notice. I don’t think I’d want to do it.’ I wrinkled my nose.

  ‘Why would you? You’re giving up plenty for them already. Right, all done. Six grand to Jack. Now for our rent arrears.’

  Twenty-five thousand pounds. More than most surrogates got for expenses. I should be grateful, but a sense of unease had burrowed under my skin.

  Chapter Ten

  We arrived at the Holiday Inn Hotel in Peterborough late on Monday afternoon, almost a month after Brenda and Malcolm had come to our flat.

  Steve parked up. I took a deep breath and blew the freezing air in a white stream from my lips. This was the part I hated the most. I hoped to god that after tonight I’d never have to go through it again. I shuddered just thinking about it.

  ‘Looks like they’re already here,’ I said. Their Jag was on the far side of the car park. Snow was forecast. I pictured us trapped in the hotel for days with Malcolm and Brenda, having to be rescued by a snow plough. ‘Do you think I should call Mum, see if she’s fed Alice yet?’ I’d told her to get her to bed by seven at the latest and have a nap herself because she was bound to be up in the night.

  ‘She’ll be fine.’ Steve lifted our overnight bag from the boot.

  The woman behind the desk smiled. ‘Can I take a name please?’

  ‘Charlotte Morgan.’

  At that moment, Malcolm clattered through the door. He’d grown a moustache and was seesawing his pursed lips from side to side as though trying to shift this thing that had appeared on his top lip. I pulled on Steve’s arm, trying not to giggle.

  ‘Ah good, you’re here.’ Malcolm shook Steve’s hand, then clasped mine. His skin was dry and rough. ‘Settle yourselves in, go for a swim or a sauna, then give us a buzz later when you’re ready.’

  The woman’s thick painted brows rose up. Great, now she thought we were swingers.

  ‘Will do, thanks,’ I said.

  Malcolm rubbed his sandpaper hands together and trotted off.

  ‘Here we are, Room 19, our best Deluxe double.’ The receptionist handed me the key.

  ‘And payment?’ I asked. I guessed Malcolm had paid again but we didn’t want to take it for granted.

  ‘All been settled by your gentleman friend.’ A smile slid up her face.

  ‘Nice one.’ Steve nodded at me.

  ‘Breakfast is served between eight and ten. You’re welcome to use all the facilities. There’s a pool, spa, sauna room, hot tub and gym. The restaurant opens at seven p.m. I hope you enjoy your stay.’

  Our room was bigger than before, modern and clean with a double wardrobe, sofa, and en-suite shower cubicle and bath.

  ‘Ooh look at this.’ There was a bouquet of roses arranged in a vase on the coffee table.

  Steve fell back on the enormous be
d. I opened the window. In the distance a lorry on the A1 hooted and another replied in a little tune.

  If only there was a more glamorous way of doing this. We’d agreed at the start to do it our own way, on our own terms. This was a private arrangement between four sensible adults. Lots of people on the forum had done it before us. A few minutes of being uncomfortable would be worth it. Surrogates posted their photos up all the time. That special moment an intended mother holds her baby for the first time; that’s what it was all about for me. I needed to push the worry away and focus on that. Think about Brenda and the bigger picture.

  Steve took out a small towel we’d brought from home and put the plastic syringe on top, ready for later.

  My phone buzzed, giving me a start.

  ‘Oh god, it’s Mum.’

  ‘You’d better answer in case it’s about Alice.’

  I waved at him to turn the TV down. ‘Everything okay, Mum?’ I put the call on loudspeaker.

  ‘Alice is fine. She’s being a treasure.’

  ‘Thank god, you had me worried.’ I pressed my palm to my chest, rolled my eyes at Steve.

  ‘I just wanted to ask you to think really hard about what you’re doing.’

  ‘Mu-um. We’ve been over this.’

  ‘That’s not the point. I don’t want you getting hurt. What about the risks to your health? Anything could go wrong.’

  ‘It’s not going to.’ I did not need this right now. Steve raised his eyes to the ceiling.

  ‘Will the baby have a chance to know where it came from?’

  ‘Yes, we’ve agreed those things. You don’t need to worry.’ I clenched my teeth.

  ‘But what if they change their minds and you’re left with another man’s baby?’

  ‘I can’t think why they would do that.’ After the scare of not being able to get hold of them, I was trying hard not to worry about this. I couldn’t think of one logical reason why they would back out.

  ‘They could feel threatened having the birth mum around. Some women can get very possessive. And what if the child decides to live with you when it’s older? They might be afraid of losing it to you. Have you thought about that?’

  ‘Mum, please. Enough,’ I shouted, ‘I’ve just told you, they’re happy for me to stay in touch after they become the legal parents.’ I shook my head at Steve. He lay on the bed, his arm across his face.

  Silence.

  ‘I’m just looking out for you, that’s all.’

  ‘I know, Mum, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap, but I’m going to go now. I’ll talk to you in the morning.’ I didn’t wait for her reply. Tears pricked my eyes. All those years of heartache. I’d felt it too. ‘Why can’t she accept this? Be pleased with what I’ve decided.’

  ‘Come here.’ Steve reached out to me.

  I sat next to him and he curled his fingers between mine.

  ‘She’ll get used to it, I promise. She’s trying to protect you because you’re her only child. It would be strange if she wasn’t like this.’

  ‘I suppose.’ I wiped my eyes. I knew from Mum how it felt, that deep-seated longing for a baby, the hunger gnawing at you down to the bone, turning to a fever, sending you out of your mind.

  Steve put his arms around me. ‘Are you sure you’re okay with this? Do you want to have a bit longer to think?’

  ‘No, I’m fine. I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life.’ And in that moment, saying it aloud, I really meant it.

  * * *

  After a swim and a shower, we met Malcolm and Brenda in the restaurant. He was wearing another V-neck jumper, this time slate grey. Brenda wore a wrap-over dress, hair tied up, sensible court shoes and navy tights. They leaned into each other, shoulders touching, chatting quietly. I hoped me and Steve would grow that comfortable so I didn’t have to worry about wearing matching underwear or straightening the frizz out of my hair every morning. One day, if we both worked hard and used the expenses money wisely, we might be able to afford elegant clothes and weekends away in country hotels. If Mum was across the room right now, it would be easy to pair her and Brenda up as friends. The similarities between them made it easier for me to do this. Two peas in a pod, Nan would have said.

  ‘You all right mate?’ Steve patted Malcolm’s shoulder. They shook hands.

  I gave Brenda a hug, holding her a bit longer than usual as I squeezed my eyes shut and silently prayed for it to work this time. When she pulled away, there were tears in her eyes.

  ‘It’s going to happen this time. I have such a strong feeling in my bones,’ Brenda blurted out. Malcolm and Steve were quiet, watching us.

  ‘I feel it too.’ I held her hands gently. A strong aura wrapped around us. If the lights were switched off, I was certain we’d be able to see it. God moves in mysterious ways, Nan used to say.

  We ordered from the à la carte menu and Malcolm chose a bottle of Moët. The waiter popped it open, filling four champagne flutes.

  ‘Here’s to our success.’ Malcolm raised his glass, then clinked it with each of ours. ‘I want you to have this now, whatever the outcome tonight.’ He stuffed a wad of fifty-pound notes in my hand and looked me directly in the eye. ‘I want you to know how much we appreciate this. It’s not been easy for you, has it?’

  I held the heavy bundle tight, not sure whether to hand it back. The weight of responsibility pressed down on me.

  ‘Best to put it away,’ Brenda whispered.

  I mouthed thank you to them and stuffed it in my handbag.

  ‘Here’s to you both, let’s hope it’s a success this time.’ I drained my glass. Malcolm immediately topped it up. I stopped him halfway. ‘Best not to have too much, eh?’

  Steve was unusually quiet. For once he seemed unfazed by the money. He reached over and laid his hand on top of mine. If only we could guarantee it would work this time. The familiar mixture of yearning and dread every time Mum fell pregnant, churned around my stomach. I’d coped by ticking the days off on a calendar, praying that this was the one who would survive and be born alive. But it was never to be, and I’d ended up marking the day each of them died, with a big black cross.

  Chapter Eleven

  Back in our room, I sat at the small round table by the window and took out the wad of notes. I flicked the crisp edges.

  ‘Do you want me to count it?’ Steve switched on the TV and stretched out on the bed.

  ‘I think I can manage.’ I counted out a grand in fifties. I could save this for Alice, but it felt too much like dirty money. Paying for my services. I’d always be reminded of this night, of being inseminated with his sperm. I shuddered.

  This waiting part was the hardest, especially now we knew that Malcolm and Brenda were only next door. I did not want to hear a thing. I’d turn the TV up if necessary.

  ‘Do you think he’s going solo or will he need Brenda’s helping hand?’ Steve held his stomach as he rolled on his side laughing.

  ‘Ssh, they might hear you,’ I hissed, feeling queasy at the thought of it. I pushed away the images it brought up in my head of Malcolm’s sperm wearing little V-neck jumpers, struggling to swim towards my egg.

  I peered out of the window, cupping my hands around my face to block out the light. The sky here was darker than at home, the stars brighter. I found the brightest and focused my thoughts on it, praying for it to be a sign.

  Under a pool of light in the car park, a figure standing alone caught my attention. It couldn’t be, surely. ‘I think it’s that woman again.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Seriously, it looks just like her, with the curly hair. The one outside work a while ago.’

  ‘It can’t be.’

  ‘Come and look.’

  He jumped off the bed and pressed his nose to the glass, covering his head with the curtain. ‘Where?’

  ‘By the entrance.’ I pulled the curtain back to have another look. ‘Shit, where’s she gone? Why is she following us?’

  Steve laughed. ‘You must be imagining
things. Why would she be anything to do with us?’

  ‘It’s just a weird feeling I get that we’re being watched.’

  ‘Don’t be daft. We’re not doing anything illegal.’

  I pulled the curtains firmly shut. Maybe he was right.

  ‘Come and watch this film.’ He leapt back onto the bed.

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘The Omen.’

  ‘Isn’t that dead creepy?’

  ‘Yeah, but it’s good.’

  There was a light tapping on the door, making us both jump. Steve launched himself off the bed and opened the door a crack.

  ‘It’s only me,’ Brenda whispered.

  Steve opened the door wider. Brenda took a sample bottle of Malcolm’s sperm out from under her cardigan.

  ‘Not as much this time. I hope it’s enough.’ It was about a quarter full.

  ‘Only takes one strong swimmer.’ Steve took it from her, trying not to look at the contents, holding the lid gingerly with thumb and forefinger.

  ‘I’m sure it’ll be fine,’ I told her. Brenda gave a thin hopeful smile and we said good night.

  ‘Are you ready for this?’ Steve asked when he’d shut the door.

  The thought of another man’s sperm inside me again brought bile to my throat. It did the other times too and I’d had to get past it, remember what this was all for.

  I changed into my nightdress and lay on the bed, my bottom planted in the middle of the towel, legs wide. Steve opened the bottle and using the medicine syringe, he carefully sucked up as much of the sperm as he could. He held it up so as not to let any drip out, then gently plunged it inside me, as far as I said felt comfortable. Slowly, he released the sperm. Once he’d withdrawn it, I rolled back and pushed my legs straight up, steadying myself by putting my hands beneath my hips. I’d read that staying like that for as long as possible could increase the chances of conceiving.

  Afterwards, we carried on watching the film, cuddled up together and both fell asleep before the end.

  * * *