After breakfast, we said goodbye to Malcolm and Brenda. As I hugged Brenda, she started to cry.
‘She’s been like this all night,’ Malcolm said and checked his watch.
‘I’ll do a pregnancy test as soon as I can, I promise.’
‘Let us know how you’re feeling. Fingers crossed.’ Malcolm leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek, scraping my face with his beard.
‘Eat and rest well, won’t you?’ Brenda put her arms out again and wrapped me to her warm chest. ‘Precious cargo. We’ll have to get you a warning T-shirt.’
‘Come on now,’ Malcolm opened the car door. ‘We’re in Dubai in a few weeks, Skype us any news, won’t you?’
‘Of course. Have a lovely time,’ I said, waving them off. It wasn’t long before we were stuck in traffic. Steve switched the CD player on, midway through ‘I’m Not Down’ by The Clash.
‘I think I might give up work earlier, like Brenda suggested,’ I said.
‘You don’t even know if you’re pregnant yet.’
‘I know, but I’ve been thinking it over and I’m definitely sticking to the food and drink rules this time. I’ll make sure I rest more too.’
‘Do what you think is right for you.’
‘We don’t know anything about his medical history, do we?’
‘Do we need to?’
‘There might be something that affects the pregnancy. Maybe why I was sick last time?’
‘That’s not to do with genes though, is it?’
‘Serious morning sickness can run in families.’
‘See how you get on and ask Malcolm if you’re worried. Do you think it’s more Brenda wanting a baby than him?’
‘They’ve been together, what, twenty years? He’s used to a good lifestyle without kids. A big old change when you’re pushing fifty.’ Would he be one of those old-fashioned dads that refused to change a nappy or give the baby a bath? He might find the broken sleep and baby crying too much to cope with. If it was a boy, would he tell him not to cry? I pushed the thoughts to the back of my mind.
We pulled into a busy Welcome Break on the way home for an all-day breakfast. Steve stuffed his pockets with sachets of ketchup and brown sauce. I rolled my eyes at him as usual.
By the time we reached Mum’s house, it was late afternoon. She shushed us as soon as she opened the door.
‘She’s asleep upstairs.’
‘Oh, Mum, she won’t sleep tonight now.’
‘But it is night.’
‘Hardly.’
‘I used to put you to bed at five p.m. at that age.’
‘If she wakes up she won’t go back to sleep. Has she eaten?’
‘She ate a few carrot sticks with hummus and half an apple after we came back from the park. She was so tired, poor little poppet, she fell asleep at the table.’
Steve brought Alice down, wrapped in her blanket. ‘I think she’s out for the night.’
Mum handed me Alice’s bag.
I opened the front door.
‘Not staying for a cuppa?’
I exchanged a look with Steve. ‘We’d better get back, thanks.’
‘It went all right then?’ Mum followed us out to the car. Steve carefully sat Alice in her seat and strapped her in.
‘The deed is done. Have to wait and see now,’ Steve told her.
‘I see.’
‘I know you’re hoping it won’t work, Mum.’
‘If it doesn’t, you know they’ll find someone else, don’t you? What I mean is, you shouldn’t feel it’s your responsibility.’
I climbed into the back seat with Alice before I said something I shouldn’t. ‘Thanks for looking after her.’
Mum nodded.
I jumped back out and gave her a peck on the cheek. ‘I’ll be fine, Mum, I promise.’ I wished I felt as certain as I sounded.
Chapter Twelve
It was the usual crowd at the club on Friday night. Dan and Carly were already there. The first rounds of pool had started. Steve went to the bar and bought me a lemonade and a pint of lager for himself.
I’d been working behind the bar when I first met him, both straight out of school at sixteen. I hadn’t seen the point in staying on to do A levels when I couldn’t afford to go to university afterwards. I took on cleaning jobs during the day, while Steve became an apprentice mechanic. He’d come in every night for weeks, eyeing me up. I checked him out too. He was fit. Worked out every morning before work. He wasn’t rude like a lot of the lads and best of all he wasn’t pushy. We’d often chat while I served the customers. It was a good few weeks before he asked me out and it felt completely natural to say yes. He took me to the Crooked Cat for a posh meal. I wore a red satin dress I’d bought in the sales. He was a real gent. I’d never felt so special. When I introduced him to Mum, I was pleased that she’d liked him straight away.
He put my drink on the table and said hello to my friends. He kissed my neck, then my lips, before he went back to the bar.
‘You are lucky, you know that, don’t you? Jammy cow,’ Milly said, sitting opposite me. I smiled to myself. She always said that. I wished she could find someone special too. We’d been friends since school, but she’d never had a relationship that had lasted more than six months.
‘I’m guessing there’s no vodka in that?’ Carly asked, giving a little wink.
I grinned. ‘Got to be careful.’
‘So, come on then, spill.’ Milly nudged my leg with hers, nursing her half empty pint glass.
I shrugged. ‘Nothing to tell yet.’
‘How are you feeling though?’
‘Fine. At the moment.’ I laughed.
‘What are these people like exactly?’ Milly twisted her red hair until it resembled a rope.
‘They run their own business, they’re a bit older than my mum and…’ I lowered my voice, ‘the woman has had eleven miscarriages.’
‘Oh my god, that’s awful.’ Milly looked at the others, who nodded.
‘So, what’s the husband like?’ Shell asked.
‘I think he’d do anything for his wife.’
‘Ah, that’s lovely. I need a man like that,’ Milly sighed.
‘Me too,’ Shell said.
‘Hey, won’t it be weird to have a baby that looks like you and this bloke? I mean, is Steve all right with that?’ Milly pulled a sour face.
‘Yeah, he’s fine. It’s not like we’re keeping it, is it?’ I laughed.
‘If they want a second child, would you do it again?’ Milly asked.
‘I don’t think so.’ I shrugged. ‘I’ll see how this goes.’
Steve came over with a cue in one hand and a pint of lager in the other. I smiled up at him. He finished his drink and shoved his empty glass onto the table.
‘I think what you’re doing is really kind.’ Shell linked her arm through mine. ‘Having a baby is not easy.’
‘Mmm. Rather you than me.’ Milly finished her drink and took her glass to the bar. Steve kissed my hair and went to begin his match.
Milly came back, banging down a tray of drinks. ‘Are they proper rich then? What’s their business called?’ She opened several bags of crisps, put them in the middle of the table and started tucking into them. ‘Help yourselves,’ she said with her mouth full.
‘Premier Properties. You should see some of the houses they sell. They have a beautiful home too. Cream and gold inside, massive rooms. Their kitchen has an annexe with a glass roof.’
‘Have you actually been there?’ Milly stopped chewing to speak.
‘No, silly, they live in Orkney. They come down to see us. They travel all over the world for their business.’
‘Blimey, worth staying friends with them. Maybe I should give it a go too.’ Milly patted her belly.
I frowned. Maybe the others thought I was doing it for the money too, even though I’d told them about Mum and why I wanted to help Brenda.
‘So you’ve got everything in writing have you?’ Milly asked.
&nbs
p; ‘It’s in the agreement, yes.’
‘I thought you said that wasn’t legally binding?’
‘It’s not but—’
‘What if one of you changes your mind?’ Carly chipped in.
‘I don’t think any of us will.’ I forced a smile and turned to Shell.
‘But it’s not going to be easy giving up the baby, is it?’ Milly asked.
‘I doubt it, but then why would I want to keep a baby that wasn’t Steve’s?’
Milly nodded and glugged down a mouthful of beer.
‘So they won’t be able to do as much travelling when the baby’s here, will they?’ Carly dug her hand in the bag of salt and vinegar crisps.
‘I’m guessing they’ll scale it back for a while. The husband can probably carry on, but I can’t see his wife wanting to travel with a tiny baby.’
‘When do you think you’ll tell Alice about it?’ Milly finished her beer.
‘The plan is for her to grow up knowing her half-brother or sister.’
‘Oh I see.’ Milly stood up.
‘I’m going out for a ciggie.’ Shell gently nudged me with her elbow.
‘I’ll come with you, it’s stuffy in here.’ I gave a little wave to Steve, who was at the far end of the room, about to take a shot.
I pushed open the heavy squeaking door and breathed in the cold evening air. The wind had picked up, but the sky was clear and the stars insanely bright.
‘Blimey, Milly’s on your case tonight.’ Shell lit her roll-up behind her hand.
‘And Carly.’
‘Neither of them has the first clue about having kids.’ She laughed.
We strolled around the side of the pub to a small enclosed garden. Across the road, the off-licence and chippy were busy, with people spilling out of the doors. Shell’s cigarette went out. She turned to the wall to try and relight it.
Up the road near the bus stop, a car was parked, a woman in a suit standing next to it. My heart skipped. Could it be her again? Steve would think I was being paranoid. I moved nearer the building, into the shadows, as the woman got in the car and drove away.
As we were going back inside, Steve came out of the hall looking for me.
‘You okay?’ he asked.
‘Yeah, I suddenly feel really tired. I think I’d better go home.’ Perhaps this was it, I was pregnant again.
We went and said our goodbyes, then walked home, hand in hand. Mum texted to say that Alice had gone to sleep without a fuss and she’d bring her back in the morning.
As soon as we got in, I undressed and got straight into bed. Steve turned the lights out and put the TV on. Top Gun had just started. I cuddled up to him and fell asleep.
As the film was ending, I woke up, my eyes half glued with sleep. Slowly, I became aware of Steve laying close to me. He kissed me, and I kissed him back. We turned towards each other and he gently pushed inside me. He groaned softly as we moved together. Afterwards, I slipped back into a deep sleep.
Chapter Thirteen
The next three weeks floated by. Alice started at nursery twice a week to give Mum a break and I increased my hours at the deli to six a day. I thought I may as well while I was still feeling well. I opened a Junior Savers account for Alice and put my name down for a Teacher Education Info Evening at Bedford College, to find out about the courses starting in September.
By the fourth week, I was up early on Saturday being sick.
‘This is it, time to take a test,’ Steve said.
I’d guessed I was pregnant a few days before, from my sore breasts and waves of tiredness that came out of nowhere. Steve made us a cup of tea. I texted Brenda to say I’d been feeling nauseous.
Alice played on her mat in front of me, chattering away to herself in a toy mirror. I wanted to get one of those wooden playpens now she was moving around more, but there wasn’t enough space when the bed was out. Shell told me to get a travel cot and use that instead so I could fold it away when we weren’t using it. I’d have a look online, see if I could get one locally. Trouble was it might have been sicked over, like the pram Mum brought over before Alice was born. One of her worst boot sale finds. A gorgeous sky-blue with various reclining positions, but the material was filthy in places with a faint smell of vomit. I’d tried to hide my upset, but I’d burst into tears. My baby was worth more than that. I’d longed for a brand new one. In the end, Steve bought one on his credit card. At least we’d been able to pay that off now.
I wanted to give Alice a bath before Dan and Carly came over to watch a film. I wished we had an actual bath. She’d grown way too big for the sink. We’d tried showering her, but she cried at the force of the spray and the water running in her eyes. I was terrified of her slipping from my arms.
A reply from Brenda pinged up on my phone.
Can I Facetime you?
Course you can!
Brenda’s face appeared. ‘How are you?’ Her hair was messier than usual and she hardly had any make-up on. She moved closer to the screen, then away again. Malcolm appeared behind her, squinting.
‘Paula’s been dying to hear from you!’ He held a hand up in greeting.
Brenda turned to stone. I swear she stopped breathing. I glanced up at Steve standing next to me and back at Brenda. Malcolm darted looks all over the place.
‘Silly old goat. He’s just been talking to his sister.’ Brenda drew in a sharp breath, then let it out, her hand flat to her chest. ‘Getting all muddled up, aren’t you?’ her eyelids flickered. ‘How are you?’
‘I… I’ve only been sick this morning so far. I thought it might be worth taking a test? But maybe I’m just under the weather?’
‘We’d like you to take it.’ Malcolm smiled and crossed his arms.
‘Oh okay. I’ll call you back if that’s all right. I’ll only be a few minutes.’
‘That’s fine,’ Malcolm said.
‘Chat soon.’ Brenda gave a forced smile. The screen went blank.
‘What was that all about?’ I swung round to Steve as soon as I’d switched my phone off. ‘I don’t remember him saying he had a sister.’
‘Can you believe he got her name wrong?’ Steve wrinkled his nose. ‘I mean it wasn’t even a slip of the tongue, like say Bryony. Why Paula? That’s just weird.’
‘Could have been a genuine mistake, but what about Brenda’s reaction? Like he’d committed an actual crime.’ I shook my head.
‘She’s old-school though. Manners are important to her. Most of us wouldn’t give a shit.’
But I went off to the bathroom, Mum’s words ringing in my ears: How well do you know these people?
Chapter Fourteen
When we called them back, Brenda’s eyes were red and sore, but she wore what I guessed was a fixed smile.
‘Good news.’ I showed them the new positive test. Tears welled in my eyes. This is what I’d hoped for.
‘Oh my goodness, look, Malcolm.’ Brenda’s hands cupped her mouth.
Malcolm leaned over her shoulder, his face half filling the screen. When he spoke, I wasn’t listening, I was staring at his strangely perfect white teeth. Why hadn’t I noticed them before? Were they new? I imagined them dazzling out from his skull.
‘When do you think it will be, Charlotte?’ Steve jogged me with his elbow. ‘The first scan,’ he said under his breath.
My mind was miles away. ‘It’s normally at twelve weeks.’
‘I pray we get that far this time. Could we come with you?’ Brenda asked.
‘Should be okay if you don’t mind going private. I’ll have to let you know the date.’
‘Wonderful. I can’t wait.’ Brenda seemed nervy, her smile dropping every time she looked down at her linking and unlinking fingers.
As soon as they rang off, I leaned into Steve. ‘What is going on with them today? Brenda seemed completely stressed out.’
‘She probably doesn’t want to put Malcolm’s hopes up too much. Can’t be easy for him with his huge ego.’
Steve alway
s managed to make me smile.
‘I’m scared of losing it again, letting them down.’ I picked at a button on his polo top. One small tug and it would come off.
‘I know,’ he kissed my forehead, ‘but they have every faith in you, as I do. It’s a risk they’re willing to take.’
‘You’re right. It’s definitely Brenda who wants it more though, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, and I think he’s a good bloke doing this for her. He must love her a lot.’
‘But they should both want it, shouldn’t they?’ There was something about Malcolm today that left me with a growing sense of unease.
‘He’ll probably be more into it the moment the baby’s in his arms. Anyway, bit late to have doubts now, hun. You’re carrying the fruits of his loins.’
‘Don’t say it like that, sounds sleazy, like I’ve slept with him.’ I wrinkled my nose and play-punched his arm.
‘I know he’s not laid a finger on you. Bet he’d like to though.’ Steve gave a dirty laugh.
‘Stop! That’s not even funny.’ I jabbed a finger at him. ‘You’re a sicko sometimes.’
‘I’ve seen the way he looks at you.’ Steve laughed and pulled me on top of him, unbuttoning my top.
I pushed his hands away and kissed his lips. ‘Later. I need to give Alice a bath, remember?’
He held my wrists and tried to stop me, but I swung my legs round and stood up.
In the bathroom, I filled the sink with warm water and a drizzle of peach bubble bath. I stood at the mirror until it misted over and my face was a shadowy outline. Milly and Carly’s questions floated round my head, sending my mind drifting back to the Skype call with Malcolm and Brenda when we were writing up our agreement.
‘Come on Malcolm, it’s three against one mate,’ Steve had said, trying to keep it light-hearted. But Malcolm had sat back on their sofa, legs stretched wide, arms crossed on his chest, shaking his head.
‘What are you worried about exactly?’ I asked.
‘I think he’s concerned it will be tying us down.’ Brenda placed her hand on his thigh.
‘I really want Alice to get to know her half-brother or sister. It doesn’t have to be regular visits, just a few times a year, in person, over Skype, whatever suits us all at the time.’
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