I opened the door to the yard and breathed in the fresh smell of washed earth. The babies were stirring from their afternoon nap. I smoothed my hand over my bump. This was our special time together, the three of us. I hadn’t meant to bond with them, but it was impossible not to. Part of me was already grieving the day they would no longer be mine.
Steve picked me up from work at 5.30 p.m.
‘You’re quiet,’ he said. Nothing passed him by. He’d been able to read me from day one.
‘In some ways I’m going to miss being pregnant.’
‘After all the trouble you’ve had?’
‘Yeah.’
‘You mean you’ll miss the babies.’
See, I couldn’t even twist it. He knew exactly what I meant. When Mum said men were dumb and unable to pick up on women’s feelings, she hadn’t met Steve. I had this idea that he could look at me like an X-ray and any feeling I tried to smuggle away, he’d search it out.
‘I know I’m not meant to.’
‘Why wouldn’t you love them? I’d be more worried if you didn’t. They’re growing out of your love.’
I’d miscarried because I didn’t let myself love the baby. How stupid of me to think I could grow a new life without connecting to it, without letting my love wash through my body to every cell and fibre of theirs. ‘I want to see them grow up and for Alice to get to know them.’
‘And you will. Wait and see who’s in charge once they’re born.’ He winked. I hoped and prayed Brenda would speak up once the twins were hers.
* * *
On my last day at work, Shell decorated the café with pink and blue balloons and streamers. I smiled to myself, knowing how appropriate that really was. As soon as I came in the door, I was crowned with a sparkly tiara and a sash saying, ‘Mum-to-be’.
‘Thank you, Shell.’ I gave her a hug.
Tash stayed behind the counter grinning. What was she after? It wasn’t like her to allow all this fuss, especially for me.
‘Made you a cup of tea.’ Tash pointed to a pink Mum-to-be mug by the till. ‘You take it easy today.’
I thanked her and hung my coat up in the back room.
‘What’s put her in such a good mood?’ I whispered to Shell.
‘Dunno, she’s been excitable ever since she got in.’
‘Can’t wait to see the back of me, I suppose.’
‘She’s a dried-up old cow, don’t let her ruin your last day.’
‘Don’t say that, Shell. You’ll come and see me, won’t you?’
‘Course. Here, I got you a little something.’ She held out a package in silver paper. ‘Kept it all neutral, you know.’
‘Thanks, Shell. Can I open it now?’
‘Yeah, go on then.’
I ripped off the paper. Inside was a memory picture frame, a box-like space covered in glass to display things, decorated at the top with a stork holding a baby in a basket.
‘That’s so beautiful, Shell, thank you.’ I hugged her again.
‘Thought you might want to keep a few bits in there to remind you of the babies.’
I started to cry. ‘I didn’t know how hard this would be. Every day feels a little bit worse. I’m their mother, protector, but I can’t be either of those things.’
‘Oh, babe, I didn’t know you felt so bad.’ Shell wrapped her arms around me. I could hear her swallow hard. ‘You know,’ she said, hesitating, ‘you can change your mind.’
I stepped back and looked in her eyes. If it were that simple I might be tempted.
‘I can’t do that, Shell.’ I stretched both hands across my bump. ‘These two deserve a good life, with everything easy. Steve and I can’t give them anywhere near that.’
‘Alice is doing well, she doesn’t need material things.’
‘We don’t have the space. Anyway, it’s all agreed. It would kill Brenda if I kept them. They’re her babies, not mine.’ But still I ached at the thought of giving them away when my mind, body and heart were screaming at me to keep them close and protect them.
‘Running this place by myself, am I?’ Tash called, but it wasn’t in her usual grouchy voice, more of a light sing-song tone, which meant there were people in the shop.
‘We’re coming,’ Shell called.
As we stepped through the door, we were blinded by flashes of bright lights. Two photographers were standing in front of the counter, aiming their cameras at me. I shielded my face with my arm.
‘What are they doing here?’ I shouted.
Tash was sitting at one of the tables behind them. A smile swept across her lips.
‘Come on Charlotte, give us a smile,’ one of the men called.
I turned back, slamming the door. Shell came after me, shouting at the men to get lost.
‘What the hell’s going on?’ I asked.
‘No idea. She’s a sneaky one, didn’t have a clue she had that planned.’
I stormed back into the shop. ‘What has she told you?’ I shouted at the photographers, pointing to Tash. ‘This is nobody’s business. You do not have my permission to print those photos, do you hear me?’
‘We’re just the shooters.’ The older man held his hands up as if I were pointing a gun at him. They packed up their stuff and left out of the main door.
‘What have you done, Tash?’ Shell asked.
‘You’d better tell me, right now.’ I crossed my arms.
‘A bit of publicity never did anyone any harm.’
‘Don’t talk rubbish. This is all about you, isn’t it? Getting your shop in the papers on the back of my pregnancy.’
‘It’s a lovely story. What you’re doing is a generous thing. People are curious, interested to know why anyone would do it.’
‘You can’t bear that I’m having babies for someone else, can you?’ I practically spat the words out of my mouth.
Shell held me back.
‘You need to calm down, Charlotte.’ Tash moved backwards. ‘I don’t know why you’re so upset.’
‘What have you told them?’
‘Only about the wonderful thing you’re doing.’
‘But you don’t think that, do you. You’re trying to get me in trouble.’ I waggled my finger at her.
‘What sort of trouble?’
‘With the intended parents. I told you I was worried about the radio interview because they don’t want publicity, and you do this!’ I shouted. ‘Now they’re going to think I’ve been stringing them along, trying to cash in on my story.’
‘Do you want me to call Steve?’ Shell took hold of my hands. Customers had started to come in for the mid-morning rush.
‘You need to tell me which papers you’ve spoken to.’ I picked up a small knife and stabbed all the balloons, making everyone squeal and cover their ears.
‘I’ll drive you home.’ Shell offered.
Tash stared at us, mouth open. The twins were squirming about like nobody’s business.
‘I can’t pay you for today if you leave early,’ Tash said.
‘Do I look like I care? You need to get on the phone to those newspapers, tell them that everything you said was wrong.’
‘Who are these new parents anyway? I bet they’re celebs, aren’t they? That’s why they’re so fussy about remaining anonymous.’ Tash gave a crooked smile.
‘They’re successful business people who don’t want everyone knowing about their private lives. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone who they are.’
‘That’s all right then, we won’t say, will we, Shell?’
Shell rolled her eyes and picked up the bag of presents. ‘Come on, let’s get you home.’
The dark outline of a person moved away from the window.
‘How long has someone been standing there?’ I pointed.
‘Dunno,’ Shell said.
I opened the door, checked up and down the street, but whoever it was had gone.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
That evening, after dinner, we snuggled up on the sofa and watched Br
idget Jones’s Baby. It was the first time we’d properly spent time alone in days. Steve had been to visit Jack and said he was doing well, staying positive. The doctors were confident the chemo would zap any remaining cancer cells.
When I came back from the bathroom, Steve had put the bed out and scattered the duvet with silk rose petals.
‘You’re so romantic.’ I kissed him and tried to turn towards him, but the bump was in the way. ‘It’ll soon be over.’ As soon as I said it, tears filled my eyes.
‘What’s wrong?’ Steve asked.
‘I can’t stop thinking about how much I’m going to miss them.’ I lay my hands on the tight drum of skin. Only I knew that they were a perfect pair – a boy and a girl. I’d like a son of my own one day.
‘You’ll have to start getting used to life without them, hun. It’s going to be strange.’
‘I think I might feel actual grief.’
‘It’ll be a kind of loss though, won’t it? You doing all this hard work then coming home without them.’
I looked down at my bump, a hand on either side. ‘I’ll wish them well in their new lives, but I hope to god we can be at least a small part of their future. It’ll break my heart if we can’t.’
‘Brenda will make sure you are, you know it, right?’ He kissed my forehead. I wasn’t so confident any more. Malcolm probably saw us as kids in a way, not long out of nappies ourselves, Nan would say.
‘Should be getting that second cheque tomorrow.’ Steve took a Coke out of the fridge. ‘I thought we could go away on a little weekend holiday, just the two of us.’
‘Really? Do you think we can afford it?’
‘Course, why not? All the bills and rent are up to date. Jack’s got his money and the business is doing okay without him, so far.’
‘But I want to save most of it for Alice this time.’
‘We can and still have a good time.’
‘Let’s do it then. Where shall we go?’
‘How about Brighton? This weekend?’
‘Oh could we? That’ll be so romantic.’
‘You deserve it.’ He pushed my hair back from my face.
‘I feel better already. I love you so much.’
* * *
It was a beautiful hot Indian summer day when we packed up a picnic and took off for Brighton. The second cheque had arrived and I’d paid it in a couple of days before we left so we’d have money in the bank. Mum was pleased to have Alice for us so we could have a much-needed weekend by ourselves.
By lunchtime, we pulled up outside the old-fashioned bed and breakfast Steve had booked. After we’d checked in, we went straight down to the packed beach to eat our sandwiches and drink bottles of cola. We strolled along the pier in a refreshing sea breeze and spent the afternoon mooching around The Lanes, going in and out of quaint and funky shops and a massive flea market, full of both unusual and everyday objects from past decades. Steve wanted to buy a wall-mounted phone complete with the original circular dial. I loved an art deco style diamond ring, but it cost four hundred pounds.
As we were coming out, I spotted a fortune teller sitting in a pop-up tent alongside a juggler and a fire-eater. A man covered in tattoos and piercings stood outside, taking money for a reading.
‘Oh, can I?’ I pulled on Steve’s arm and made him stop. ‘I’ve not been to one since I met you.’
‘Don’t believe in all that tripe, do you?’
‘Some of it can be true,’ I said. ‘The one I saw told me I’d meet you.’ I snuggled into his chest.
‘What, me specifically? Had a photo of me, did she?’
‘No, but she said a man with a name beginning with S was going to come into my life and turn it around.’
‘Yeah, did that all right.’ He blew on his fingernails and pretended to polish them on his T-shirt.
‘She also said that you’d be my protector. See? Not so daft.’
‘Go on then, how much is it?’
‘Five pounds.’ I took a note out of my purse.
‘I’ll pay. Put your money away. My little treat.’ He handed the tattooed man the money. ‘Make sure it’s good.’
The man showed me into the tent and velcroed the door shut behind me. The psychic was dressed in the usual garb: headscarf full of stars and moons with shiny mirrored sequins, and a crystal ball in front of her on a purple velvet table cloth.
‘What’s your name, my lovely?’ Her wrinkled hands snaked across the table towards me. She cupped her cold fingers around mine.
‘Charlotte.’
‘Ah, yes, Charlotte, I’ve been waiting for you.’ She shut her eyes and lay one hand on the crystal ball, her sparkly purple nails tapped the glass. ‘You’re an only child, aren’t you, dear?’
‘Yes.’ I frowned.
‘But you did have brothers and sisters.’
‘Yes.’ A shiver ran through me.
‘And you’re going to have a baby…’ She stopped abruptly.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked.
‘I can’t say.’ Her eyes flicked open. She pulled her hand away from mine and shook her head as if to clear away a bad vision.
‘Please tell me, even if it’s something awful, I’d rather know.’
‘Not everything will go smoothly for you, Charlotte, that’s all I can say.’
I sat back, trying to work out what she could mean.
‘But you’re going to have a healthy baby girl.’ She grinned at me, flashing her broken yellowed teeth. She grabbed my hand again and closed her eyes, her other hand on the crystal ball. ‘I can feel the vibrations in your heartbeat. Good and strong. I can see a little girl.’
‘That’ll be my daughter, Alice.’
‘No, it’s you, you’re seven years old and you’re crying because your mother is sad, but you can’t do anything to help her.’
I pulled my hand away. The psychic opened her eyes.
‘I can see that you’re trying to build a new relationship with your mother. Don’t let the past dictate your future, my dear.’
I stood up to leave. How could she know any of this stuff?
She put her hand firmly on my arm. ‘Take care won’t you, dear?’
‘Thanks.’ I frowned at her, wondering what she was holding back, why she hadn’t mentioned my baby boy.
I stepped out into the sunlight and stood there blinking. Did that really happen? I shivered, frozen to the core even though it was baking hot.
‘How’d it go?’ Steve came over with a bag of freshly cooked cinnamon doughnuts. We found a bench and sat down to eat them.
‘Some of it was too accurate to be true. It must have been a wild guess. She said I’m having a girl, which is strange considering I’m expecting twins. It’s left me with a weird feeling. There was something bad she didn’t want to tell me.’
The smile slid off his face. ‘I don’t think they’re allowed to.’ He bit off a piece of doughnut. ‘You know it’s a load of rubbish, don’t you?’
‘She seemed genuine to me.’ I touched my bump. I couldn’t bear it if something bad happened to one of my babies.
Steve took my hand. We found a café with chairs and tables outside and sat near a street artist, sketching a cliff edge in chalk on the pavement. I ordered two coffees and a slice of chocolate cake from the waiter. We sat back, watching people go by.
‘Don’t let what she said bother you. It’s nearly over now.’
I took his hand and laid it on my bump, but he pulled away.
‘Why won’t you touch it?’
Steve folded his arms over his chest. The waiter brought our order.
‘You don’t love them like I do.’
‘It’s difficult for me. They’re not mine, are they?’
I nodded and stared at the sugary sponge.
‘I know it’s hard for you though. Are you feeling any better about giving them up?’
‘I don’t know. Do you think they’re going to be good parents?’
‘Yeah. Malcolm will mellow out once he�
��s a dad.’
‘These two will have everything they could ever want, although I hope they don’t spoil them.’ I circled my palm over my bump. ‘I know every twist and turn and kick from each of them.’
‘Do you think they’ll be identical? Same sex or one of each?’
A woman on the next table was breastfeeding her baby under a lightweight scarf.
‘I already know,’ I said.
‘Do you?’ He did a double take.
‘I wanted to find out for me. I suppose it was sticking two fingers up at Malcolm over him only wanting boys.’
‘So, come on then, what are they?’ His eyes brightened.
‘A boy and a girl.’ A child with short hair strolled past swirling a shiny streamer on a stick.
‘Nice. What Brenda wants.’
‘Exactly.’
‘What about Malcolm though, do you think he’ll stick to his word?’
‘When I spoke to Brenda a couple of days ago, she said he’s really looking forward to being a dad. He said he’ll accept whatever they are, so we have to believe him.’
‘Too bloody right. He can be weird sometimes.’
A kettle drum band started playing nearby.
‘What’s so bad about having a girl anyway? Bit old-fashioned, isn’t it?’
‘Brenda thinks it’s something to do with him losing his brother when they were growing up.’
‘Mmm, maybe it’s that then. He’s softer than he likes to make out.’
I couldn’t shift out of my head what the fortune teller had said. How could she have thought I was only having a girl when everything else she said about me was so spot on?
I sat up straight. At the end of the road near a jewellers, stood a woman in a suit with curly hair and dark glasses.
‘Look,’ I said, not quite believing my eyes.
‘What?’ Steve twisted round in his seat. Scores of people were meandering up and down in different directions.
‘That woman over there in front of the furniture shop. I think it’s the same one I keep seeing round our way.’ Was I imagining it because of my baby brain, or was I becoming paranoid?
‘Hey, calm down, don’t be daft. It can’t be the same. What would she be doing here?’
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