Someone Else's Baby

by Someone Else's Baby (retail) (epub)

  ‘Fine by us, isn’t it, Charlotte?’ Steve put his arm around my waist.

  ‘Can I hold him?’ Malcolm asked. I was taken aback, wondering if I’d heard him correctly, but he had his arms out ready. He’d never asked before, maybe because he was nervous of holding a newborn? As I passed Robert to him, a gnawing click sounded in my head, as though part of me had detached itself. Malcolm took him in his arms and Robert curled his fingers around Malcolm’s thumb. I turned away, pulling two made-up bottles of formula from my bag. Steve warmed them in the microwave and handed one each to Malcolm and Brenda.

  ‘The start of things to come,’ Steve said, holding up his phone, ‘let me take your first proper family photo.’

  ‘No,’ Malcolm’s sharp tone cut through me, making me jump. He quickly tempered it by saying: ‘It’s okay, but thanks.’

  Steve pulled a face at me. He stuffed his phone back in his pocket.

  ‘So, have you decided on names?’ I rubbed my palms together, watching the babies being fed and having nothing to do felt strange. They asked me to show them the best way to hold the bottle, but I wanted to take over. The twins were used to me doing it. They’d be wondering where I was, why I wasn’t holding them, comforting them.

  ‘We’ve not decided yet.’ Brenda gave a guarded smile.

  ‘Oh.’ I frowned. I thought they would have planned names long ago.

  Seeing them all together, the four of them, this new family I’d helped create brought fresh tears to my eyes. This very moment was what I’d imagined, what it had all been about for me, seeing the joy on the faces of two new parents. But I hadn’t expected to feel so cut up, as though they were taking them from me against my will. Yet, all the difficulties I’d been through throughout the pregnancy, all our disagreements, didn’t seem to matter any more.

  ‘Hey, you okay?’ Steve whispered, putting his arm around me.

  ‘They look so happy together, don’t they?’ I whispered back.

  Malcolm and Brenda looked up and held their smiles as though posing for a camera.

  ‘I know we keep saying it, but we really can never thank you enough. We’ll be grateful to you for the rest of our lives,’ Brenda said, ‘and we’ll bring them back to see you as often as we can.’

  ‘Of course.’ Malcolm gave a broad smile. Any worries about him vanished. It was plain how elated he was. He must have been so worried before, with the heath scares and tantrums. I’d been too judgemental about him.

  Once the twins had finished feeding and had clean nappies on for the journey, we followed Malcolm and Brenda out to the car. I hugged and kissed each of the twins goodbye, trying to memorise both of their faces, the soft sweet skin, the little snuffling sounds they made. I stepped back, but my legs trembled. I clung to Steve’s arm. Then I lunged forward and touched Robert with my outstretched hand. His tiny fingers gripped mine. Brenda gently moved him away and strapped him in his seat. Malcolm strapped Rose in on the other side.

  Brenda gave me a big hug, then Steve, her eyes welling up.

  ‘This is it,’ Brenda said, her hands either side of her face, ‘the moment I’ve dreamed of for so long.’

  Malcolm gave me a kiss on one cheek and shook hands with Steve.

  ‘We’ll take good care of them,’ he said, looking directly into my eyes.

  I nodded, holding my fist to my mouth, biting my skin. The two little faces in the back seat, Robert blowing a bubble with his lips, Rose sucking the edge of her coat.

  ‘Will it be okay to call you?’ I asked Brenda as I gave her a final hug.

  ‘Of course. We’ll be down again before you know it. I can only imagine how hard this is for you, Charlotte. I really can’t thank you enough.’

  As they drove away, the world seemed to shift sideways. My knees buckled and a mournful sound escaped from my throat. Steve’s arms reached out to save me.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Back indoors, silence filled the flat, sweeping into unseen corners. I stood still, listening for signs of life. The smell of baby lotion clung to the air. The wrinkle of Rose’s outline left on the changing mat. I wished I could capture all of it, keep it with me forever.

  ‘That’s it then.’ Steve seemed as lost as I was. He stood next to me, hands on hips, elbows out like clipped wings.

  I flung my arms around his neck. ‘I’m so worried they’ll forget to feed them or not hold them properly.’

  ‘Brenda knows what she’s doing. They’ll be fine.’ He spoke into my hair, muffling his words as though he only half believed it himself.

  ‘Did I tell them that both babies like a cuddle before they go down for a nap?’

  ‘I’m sure you did, hun.’

  ‘They will ask me if they’re not sure about something, won’t they? I can’t bear the thought of the babies suffering.’ My breasts ached, still engorged with milk. Another set of pads soaked through. I sank down on the sofa, staring into space. I should feel better about this. It’s what I’d wanted.

  ‘Let’s go and pick Alice up,’ Steve said.

  ‘Can you go? I can’t face Mum.’ I’d have to see her soon, but not now, not today.

  Steve gave a single nod. Without speaking, he picked up his keys and left.

  I fell forward on the sofa and let myself sob until I was exhausted. I must have dozed off because when I woke up, Steve was kneeling in front of me, smoothing back my hair.

  ‘Where’s Alice?’ I sat bolt upright, scanning the room.

  ‘She’s fine, fast asleep.’

  I stayed awake most of the night; emptied out, paralysed by a deep sense of loss, despite Brenda texting to reassure me they’d arrived home and the twins had settled in. How would I ever get over this?

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  The weeks until we saw them again dragged. I’d wanted to start college, but I was too late for this year and I couldn’t get enthusiastic about anything. I snapped at everyone. I went back to work and for a while found myself getting along better with Tash, but it didn’t last. I couldn’t forgive her for calling the local press, even though they hadn’t run the story. It didn’t take much for her to sack me – for overcharging a regular customer and then telling them they were wrong.

  I dreamed of taking the twins back, but I knew it wasn’t possible. For a start we didn’t have the space. And how would we afford to feed and clothe three children after the money had run out?

  We agreed to meet Malcolm and Brenda at the Holiday Inn for lunch, to see how the babies were and collect the final fifteen-grand cheque. The parental order had been signed off by the court, which was much sooner than we expected. I still wasn’t prepared in my head. The twins were not legally ours any more.

  We arrived first and waited for them in the restaurant. It seemed quiet for a Friday. I picked up a menu. I fancied a fresh salad with grilled salmon, but I didn’t feel that hungry.

  Steve ordered me a vodka and orange and a beer for himself. I thought back to Brenda tapping on our room door with Malcolm’s sample. I shuddered. I didn’t want to be a surrogate a second time. The cold sperm of a practical stranger being squirted into my body was not something I wanted to go through ever again.

  I spotted Malcolm first, pushing the double buggy with the twins fast asleep. My heart stopped. They’d changed so much already in three weeks. Their darling little faces were fuller, cheeks a bit more rounded, their hair had grown in longer wisps. I wondered if they’d recognise me. Maybe my smell? I knelt down to them and, as if they knew it was me, their bright eyes fluttered open. I thought I’d burst with happiness and sadness at the same time.

  ‘How is everything?’ I asked, offering my little finger for Robert to grab onto.

  ‘Hard work of course, but they’re good babies,’ Brenda said, coming up behind him. ‘So good to see you.’ She seemed more like the bubbly Brenda we’d first met. I hoped Malcolm was being good to her, but when he put his arm round Brenda’s waist, she flinched. I looked away, pretending I hadn’t noticed.

  �
��We’re at the table in the corner if you want to sit down?’ Steve said.

  ‘That’s perfect, thanks.’ Brenda headed straight towards it.

  Malcolm caught my eye, throwing a warning stare, which morphed into a smile. He must have seen me notice Brenda flinching at his touch.

  ‘Shall we order some drinks first?’ Steve said when the waiter came over.

  I couldn’t fault how well the twins were being looked after, decked out in new coats and mittens. They must have grown out of the ones they’d left in.

  ‘What have you named them?’ I asked.

  ‘Julia and Joseph.’

  ‘Oh, nice.’ I tried not to sound disappointed. To me they’d always be Rose and Robert.

  Brenda fussed about, moving chairs to fit the buggy closer to the table. She sat on one side, Malcolm on the other with the twins in between. Having two demanding babies was probably affecting their relationship. No wonder they were a bit tetchy. They were so used to lavishing their time on each other, doing what they liked when they liked, it must be a shock. It was early days, they probably needed more time to adjust, especially at their age.

  The waiter brought the drinks over. For a few moments we sat in a bloated silence. The last time we were all here was the start of these two tiny lives. It hardly seemed possible. For weeks now, I’d been in a kind of limbo, waiting to officially be told they weren’t mine any more. I’d slipped into a deep sadness, not having the motivation to do much of anything. I hadn’t wanted to talk about it or listen to Mum. I’d wanted to read up about the teacher training course, but at the moment my heart wasn’t in it.

  Steve winked at me, wondering where the cheque was, no doubt. Perhaps we could start afresh after today. The trouble was, I’d never really be able to put any of this behind me. I’d been through so much anxiety and pain bringing these two precious babies into the world, giving them up would haunt me forever. I’d always miss them.

  What was the point in telling Brenda that I’d hardly got out of bed for the past few days since I lost my job at the deli? The woman from the radio station, Lucy, had called and left several messages. I’d lain under the duvet listening. Would I like to give her a call? She’d love to know how it all went. Were the babies well? What had the new parents called them? In the end I’d switched it off. So many questions – what did it really feel like giving your babies away to virtual strangers? Any regrets? I could write a whole book about that one.

  Malcolm cleared his throat. They were all staring at me. I wished they could see the dark shape of my thoughts, what I was really going through. I faked a smile.

  ‘You look so pale.’ Brenda touched my arm. There was something different about her that I couldn’t pinpoint. Her American accent had virtually gone for one thing.

  ‘How have they been?’ I asked, wanting and not wanting to know.

  ‘They’re good most of the time, settling down to a routine.’

  What did she do when they cried? Was she letting them feed on demand? But it wasn’t my place to ask. She was their mother now.

  ‘Will you keep your promise to stay in touch?’ I wished I didn’t sound so desperate, but I couldn’t imagine my future without them in it.

  ‘You’ll always be part of their lives, Charlotte. You’re their birth mother. No one can take that away from you, whatever happens.’

  What did she mean? Where had this inner confidence of Brenda’s come from?

  The twins yawned and wriggled their arms and legs, their tiny fingers finding and grabbing each other. I scooted closer and touched the sides of their faces. I longed to hold them. If Brenda didn’t offer in a minute, I’d have to ask.

  ‘Can I take a photo?’ I stood up ready, whatever the answer.

  Brenda darted a look at Malcolm as she said, ‘Yes, of course, why not.’

  I took several snaps. Malcolm turned away, but I caught them both either side. I’d crop them out anyway, get it framed and keep it by my bed, forever.

  ‘Are we ordering food?’ Steve picked up the menu.

  ‘I’m not really hungry,’ I said.

  ‘Why aren’t you eating?’ Brenda sounded alarmed.

  I shrugged.

  ‘It’s been really hard for Charlotte,’ Steve said.

  Brenda held out her hand to me and our fingertips touched.

  ‘I miss them so much.’ I watched Joseph rubbing his eye and Julia yawning. They were nice names. ‘But I don’t want you to worry, I’m sure it’s natural. I’ll get over it,’ I lied.

  ‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say.’ Brenda’s face was full of worry lines. ‘Is there anything I can do?’

  ‘Not really, except… love them with all your heart and please, please let me see them, send me photos, updates on their progress.’

  Brenda gave a nod, not looking me in the eye.

  None of us ordered food. Malcolm took the papers out of his pocket and handed a copy of the parental order to Steve. I imagined wrestling it from him, ripping it up in a moment of madness. But I could never do that to Brenda after coming this far, giving her what she’d always dreamed of. I had to follow my head, not my heart.

  Brenda unstrapped little Joseph and handed him to me with a bottle of milk. I sighed and held him close, high on my chest, under my chin so I could inhale his smell mixed with a bath scent I wasn’t familiar with, but it still intoxicated me. I couldn’t stop smiling. His golden hair had thickened and he lifted his hands to the bottle, almost holding it. The tiny scrap I’d given birth to.

  Brenda fed Julia. She was the smaller of the two now. Was she getting as much attention from Malcolm? Was she being fed as much milk as Joseph? I ached to ask.

  ‘He’s caught up now, so they’re on the same quantities,’ Brenda said, guessing what I was thinking.

  ‘Strange that she’s the tiny one now, isn’t it?’ I hoped I didn’t sound like I was accusing her; I wasn’t expecting an answer, it was just an observation.

  ‘The health visitor is happy with her.’ Brenda’s tone was defensive. I supposed she didn’t need me telling her what to do. She was holding the baby almost at arm’s length, as though she didn’t really want to be doing it. Maybe I was being hypersensitive, but when Julia started to cry, Brenda became flustered, moving her to standing then sitting, over one shoulder then the other. Perhaps they hadn’t bonded yet, or it was me making her feel nervous? I handed Joseph to Steve.

  ‘Can I?’ I said gently, offering to take Julia. Brenda seemed relieved and lifted her into my arms. Julia stopped crying straight away. My heart lifted. Did she recognise my smell? I shut my eyes as I rocked her.

  ‘You have something else for us then?’ Steve said, not able to resist asking any longer.

  Malcolm didn’t say a word at first, pretending he hadn’t heard. Then he opened his wallet and took out an envelope and handed it to me.

  ‘Open it,’ Steve said to me, ‘make sure it’s kosher.’ His laugh was uneven, forced. Brenda threw him a stony look.

  I carefully ripped the flap open and took out the final cheque for fifteen thousand pounds.

  ‘Who’s this L. Brown?’ Steve asked.

  ‘My professional name,’ Malcolm said.

  ‘Are you a writer or something? I thought you were in property.’

  But Malcolm had turned away, glancing from Brenda to Julia.

  ‘I’ll take her.’ Brenda came towards me with her arms out. I didn’t really have a choice as she leaned down and prised Julia away from me.

  ‘So, you’re coping okay then?’ I said.

  ‘Can’t you see we are?’ Brenda snapped back.

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…’ A distant voice in my head heard them saying: No, sorry, we’re not, can you take the twins back please?

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. It’s all going smoothly. Thank you. Like I said, we’re very grateful.’

  Her expression told me otherwise. I’d expected her to look exhausted, but she appeared surprisingly fresh. Was she hiding it well?
Perhaps they’d hired a nanny after all. I wished she’d open up to me.

  ‘Right, I think that’s everything we came to do.’ Malcolm slapped his knees and stood up.

  ‘Off so soon?’ Steve finished his beer and banged the empty glass on the table. ‘Have one more?’

  ‘We need to get going, it’s a long journey.’ Brenda answered in this strange way she had today, as though all her answers were practised.

  I stood in the car park, watching helplessly while they belted the twins in, arguing about the correct position of the straps. I made a move to help them, but Steve reached for my wrist and held me still.

  ‘Let them find their way.’

  We waved goodbye as they drove out of the car park. I wanted to run after them as though part of me was being torn away. My whole body wavered. Steve wrapped his arms around me in an instant.

  Would I ever get over this? Mum’s voice echoed in my head, What have you done?

  What have I done?

  I buried my head in Steve’s chest. He held me while I wept.

  ‘What was wrong with them?’ I managed to say at last. ‘They were acting strangely, weren’t they?’ Or was it me, not wanting to let go?

  ‘I suppose they are the parents now and don’t want to be told what to do. To be honest, I get the feeling they don’t really want to stay in touch.’

  ‘No! Don’t say that. Brenda promised.’ I grabbed his sleeve, pulling at him, slapping his arm, as though it was his fault.

  ‘It doesn’t mean they’ll stick to it, they’re not bound to it by law. You’ve seen the forums, sometimes the new parents want to cut off from their surrogate completely and go it alone.’

  ‘I don’t believe that. Brenda made a promise to me. You heard her.’ I swung my arms like a belligerent teenager.

  ‘Maybe they will, but to me it felt like they were paying us off, that this was final.’

  ‘Not. To. Me,’ I shouted and started crying again.

  ‘Okay, okay.’ He raised his hands. ‘Maybe I’m wrong.’

  He led me to the car, grabbed a blanket from the back and laid it across me in the passenger seat, tucking me in. But nothing would stem my tears. I couldn’t imagine never seeing the twins again.