Chapter Thirty-Six
I didn’t drag myself out of bed until Tuesday. My eyes felt puffy and sore from crying. Steve had gone to work early and I’d promised him I’d take Alice out. It wasn’t fair to neglect my own child because I was grieving for the twins.
I paid the cheque into my current account and walked past the deli on my way home. It was empty, long after lunch, so I called in as it was Tash’s day off and Shell would be holding the fort.
‘How are you?’ Shell came rushing towards me, stripping the tight plastic gloves from her hands.
I threw my arms around her. On the wall behind her was a photo of me when I was ridiculously huge, full of two babies, a blissful smile on my face, in my eyes.
‘How’s this little missy? High five.’
Alice giggled as I raised her hand and Shell clapped it with hers.
‘What is it, babe? You don’t look well.’
‘I miss the babies so much, I know I’m not supposed to, but I don’t know if I can carry on,’ I sobbed, the loss still so fresh, like a blow to the stomach, folding me in two.
‘Come here.’ Shell pulled me into her chest. ‘It’s only been a few weeks since you had them, you’re bound to feel emotional still. It’s a huge thing you’ve been through. And you’ve been so brave. I can understand how hard it must have been giving them away.’
There weren’t many people I could be so open with. Shell understood loss. Her first baby had been stillborn. I dug in my pocket for a tissue. Often through the day, I’d find myself staring into space, an image of the twins as they were when they were born, vivid in my mind. My stomach had already shrunk into an empty purse, the scar like a zip. My breast milk had dried up so at least I didn’t wake up with a soaked top any more. Soon there would be no outward sign that I’d had twins at all.
‘You’re grieving, babe.’
‘I wake up in the night wondering if they’re okay, if they’re fed and warm, if they’re crying for me. What if they’re in a room on their own, down a long corridor with the door shut and Brenda can’t hear them? What if one of them is sick in the night and chokes and no one comes?’
‘Oh babe.’ Shell squeezed me tight. ‘You just have to trust. You have to believe they’re being well looked after and cared for by parents who love them.’
‘I know. I try to.’ I hung my head, shameful thoughts evaporating. ‘I can’t completely though, it will take time.’
‘Try and focus on something else. Find a new job, until you start your college course.’
‘I will. Let me know if you hear of anything. Work’s picked up at the garage. We need a new car, but I want us to wait for the last payment to come through first otherwise we’ll be left skint.’
Shell made us coffees while I gave Alice pieces of banana.
‘How’s things with your mum?’
‘Not great. We’re barely talking.’
‘She’ll get over it. It wasn’t her decision to make.’ Shell brought our espressos over.
‘Try telling her that.’
‘You make your own decisions now. The sooner she realises, the better.’
‘I hope she does.’ I drank my shot of coffee. Alice was dozing off. ‘I’d better get back. Thanks for listening.’ I hugged Shell and left.
I walked by the park on the way home and sat for a while on Nan’s thinking bench. She’d often brought me here when I was little, when Mum was pregnant or had lost a baby. She said that if you sat close enough to the weeping willow and really concentrated, you could hear it whisper. She believed that the gentle movement of its hair-like branches dipping and swaying in the stream had helped her forget her worries.
Today, the murky water was half frozen. Nan would have had something to say about that. You’d have backed me up, I know you would have. In little over four weeks, it would be Christmas. This time last year we’d been about to do the third insemination attempt, and I wondered if I was going to get pregnant at last, if my life was about to change. I’d been so naïve. What’s done is done, Nan would say. I’d been determined to help Brenda and I’d achieved it.
As soon as the final cheque cleared, I’d buy a real Christmas tree and some new tinsel. I’d make a list of toys for Alice’s stocking and one main present. We wouldn’t go mad; a few extras here and there would be enough to make it feel special. Then once we’d put some away for my courses and in Alice’s savings, we could think about renting somewhere a bit bigger, with a separate bedroom and maybe a little garden. I needed to focus on my own family now. I’d done my good deed.
I wormed my finger under Alice’s warm, sticky hand. The past year had turned into a nightmare. But as long as I made sure this money amounted to something good in our lives, it would have been worth it.
‘Time to move on, don’t you think?’ I stroked Alice’s sleeping face. I hoped the twins were happy in their new family. But my mind kept dragging me back to the last time we met them at the Holiday Inn, how awkward they were with us, Brenda’s defensive behaviour. Was Steve right about them not really wanting to stay in touch? I had to trust they were doing a good job of bringing up the babies, but I couldn’t escape the unease churning in my stomach, how it had suddenly felt like we didn’t know them at all.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
The next day I visited Mum. I needed to tell her the twins had gone to their new parents. I wanted to smooth things over with her somehow, get past this.
‘Wasn’t expecting to see you in a hurry. I’m about to go to the garden centre,’ Mum said when I opened the door. Was it an excuse? She didn’t have her coat on. I swallowed down the thought and followed her into the kitchen.
‘I wondered what you were doing for Christmas, if you’d like to come over to us?’ I put down a box of fresh cream cakes from the bakery.
‘Mary next door has asked me to go there.’ She leaned against the kitchen bench, arms folded. We were two different people now, poles apart.
‘Oh.’ She didn’t even like her. Not really. Always moaning about her. But then she probably moaned about me too.
‘But I’m not keen on her grandchildren jumping all over the place, I won’t get a moment’s peace.’
‘So you’ll come?’ Why did Mum always have this roundabout way of accepting an invitation as though she was doing us a favour?
‘Why don’t you come here instead? Only because of the space.’ She unfolded her arm and opened the cake box.
‘All right, but we’re buying the turkey.’
Mum’s face dropped. ‘From your baby money?’
‘Once it clears.’
‘I don’t think so.’ She turned away and patted a pile of folded washing.
Here we go again.
‘Where are the twins? Given them away already, have you?’ Her voice went up a key.
‘It was time, yes.’ I braced myself. I wasn’t going to cry in front of her. I couldn’t admit how hard it had been, that she had been right about lots of things.
‘Once that money’s gone, what have you got to show for it except stretch marks?’
I sighed.
‘You’ll see it my way when you’re older. Whatever you think now, the fact is you sold your babies and you’ll come to regret it.’ She waved her finger at me. I shut my eyes, doing my best to stay calm, zone out.
‘Do you have to say that?’ I said under my breath.
‘Yes, I do, no one else will. I don’t think you have a clue how this is affecting me.’ She stalked off towards the living room.
‘Why can’t you try and accept it now it’s done?’ I asked, following her.
She faced me in the doorway. ‘I’ve told you, they’re my grandchildren. Look how ill you were. You could have died.’ She drew in a sharp breath and stood by the sofa, facing the patio doors.
A pain pulsed in my eye.
She made a big show of carrying a box of decorations from the sofa to the table. Dad had brought home a whole selection of brand-new baubles one year. Each one beautifully ha
ndcrafted in different metals, wood and glass. Mum pulled out bushy lengths of tinsel and a pair of silver glittery reindeers. I’d been right about the garden centre being an excuse.
‘Don’t just stand there, help me with this.’ She lifted out a package of pink tissue paper. Inside was Alice’s glass bauble with her name, date of birth and the words, ‘New Baby’, captured inside in silver letters. It was so delicate and precious, I wondered if I should keep it in the box. Mum passed me each decoration and I hung them on the tree with Alice’s bauble in pride of place at the top, under the star. Finally, I draped a red piece of tinsel over the frame of a family photo – an eight-year-old me on the swing in our old garden, the solitary child between two warring parents.
‘Do you really believe those people want you around?’ she asked suddenly, finding something to stare at in the box.
God help me, she hadn’t finished yet.
‘Yeah, they do actually. They said they’ll send us photos and come and visit.’ I pushed away Steve’s words about it being final. I couldn’t accept that.
‘Have you looked in the mirror lately?’
I glanced down at my ripped jeans and studded black T-shirt.
‘They’re hardly going to want you associating with their kids. Probably don’t even want to admit to their wealthy friends that they used a surrogate.’
‘You don’t know them like we do. They’re not the kind of people who care about that sort of thing. If anything, it made them feel good that they were able to help us out.’
‘Mutually beneficial? Mmm, we’ll see.’
I couldn’t listen to her a moment longer. ‘Right, that’s your last bit of tinsel up. Looks lovely doesn’t it? I need to shoot off now. See you on Christmas Day, Mum.’
In the car, Mum’s words swilled around my mind. We probably wouldn’t fit in with Malcolm and Brenda’s posh friends, I’d give her that, but I gave birth to their children. They said we’d be involved in their lives. There was no reason for them to go back on their promise, was there?
Chapter Thirty-Eight
On Friday morning, I wheeled Alice back round the park towards the corner shop. Before I went in, I counted out enough change for a pack of big brand nappies; it felt good splashing out. Steve had booked a table in China Town for Saturday evening. I needed to buy our train tickets online. It had been too long since we’d had a proper night out. He’d wanted to book a swanky hotel too, but there was no point chucking money around, we had to make it last. I made my way back home.
Even before I put the key in the door, I could hear the phone ringing. I dashed in but reached it too late. I didn’t recognise the number at first, but it was a local code, so I called straight back. I told the woman I was returning their call. She said she was calling from my bank and before I could ask what it was about, she ran through a load of security checks with me. Perhaps they wanted to talk to me about saving account rates for the money I’d paid in.
‘Let me see what it was about for you.’ She fell silent as she tapped away on a keyboard.
I held my breath, scanning my head for what it could be. We’d paid off all our debts with the first cheque. It couldn’t be anything bad.
‘Ah yes, here we are. You paid in a cheque on Tuesday, for fifteen thousand pounds?’
‘That’s right.’
‘I’m afraid that cheque has been returned to drawer.’
My stomach lurched. I leaned into the wicker chair. ‘Are you telling me it’s bounced?’
‘I’m afraid so, Mrs Morgan.’
I almost dropped the phone. This was insane. ‘What shall I do? Will you contact the person and get them to send another cheque? I don’t understand.’ I pushed the heel of my hand to my forehead.
‘You’ll have to contact them yourself, I’m afraid. They’ll need to send the funds to you by an alternative method.’
Alice started to cry. This had to be a terrible mistake. I mean, Malcolm and Brenda weren’t short of cash. I ended the call and immediately texted Brenda. She’d sort it out. I took a couple of deep breaths to try and steady my pounding heart. Malcolm must have forgotten to put funds in that account. There would be some simple explanation. I rolled the buggy back and forth, trying to calm Alice, who was wailing, mamma, mamma, louder and louder. She was due a drink and a snack but my whole body was a live wire, I could barely see straight. Steve had ordered a new vacuum cleaner online only last night, thinking the money would be cleared by today.
I lifted Alice into her high chair and chopped up an apple for her while I sang, ‘One, two, three, four, five, once I caught a fish alive...’ She joined in, clapping. I switched the TV on for her and checked my phone.
No reply from Brenda.
I tried calling, then texting again. Nothing. I opened my laptop and called them on Skype. No one picked up. I logged onto the surrogate forum and left them a message to call me. All afternoon I kept trying. This couldn’t be happening. I phoned Steve and asked him to come straight home.
The tiniest slither of me wasn’t surprised. Maybe Malcolm had done it on purpose, to make us sweat, have to beg for the money. I gave Alice a digestive biscuit and a beaker of milk while I paced up and down the flat. A sense of unease settled in my stomach, as though I’d done something awful, like leaving the twins somewhere and forgetting them. If Malcolm could mess this up or do it just to rile us, what else was he capable of? My motherly instinct told me the twins could only really be safe with me.
When Steve walked in, I ran at him, virtually headbutting his chest. I could hardly speak.
‘Try taking some slow breaths,’ he said, rubbing my back. ‘I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think. They’re probably out of the country again or forgot to move some money around.’
‘Gone away on business with two small babies?’
‘They’ll have hired a nanny. Anyway, I’m sure they’ll transfer it to us as soon as they realise what’s happened.’
I nodded and tried to take in a slow stream of air, but my chest wouldn’t stop heaving up and down.
‘Right, let me have a go. What’s Malcolm’s number?’
I pointed to it on my phone. Steve pressed dial. I watched his face, waiting for it to light up, but it didn’t. His eyes narrowed. He ended the call and dialled again. After the fifth time, he threw the phone on the sofa.
‘Their bank will tell them it’s bounced, so we’re bound to hear from them before too long,’ he said, taking a can of beer out of the fridge.
I wrung my hands together. None of it seemed right. I tried to think of reasons why they weren’t picking up. I dialled Brenda’s number again, but this time her answer machine wasn’t even kicking in. ‘It’s like that time before, when I tried to get hold of them after the miscarriage.’
‘Yeah and they’d gone away, it was all fine.’
‘But what about when the second cheque took ages to clear?’
‘Look, we don’t know anything for sure.’ He picked Alice up. ‘How are you today, little lady?’ They danced around the flat to the Peppa Pig theme tune. I wanted to scream.
‘Why aren’t you taking this seriously?’ I shouted.
‘I am, but we can’t do anything else right now. They’re not answering their phones for whatever reason and the banks are shut now. It’s bloody odd, I grant you. But we’ll get it sorted.’
‘What if you’re right about Malcolm not wanting me to see the twins? And why would Brenda go along with it? Although she was really short with me on that last day.’
‘Have you tried Skyping them?’
‘I’ve tried everything. I’ve messaged them on the surrogate forum and even sent them an email pleading with them to call me.’
‘Let’s leave it tonight, hun. There’s nothing else we can do now.’ He patted the sofa for me to sit next to him, but I wouldn’t be able to sit still. So much for going to China Town. We’d have to cancel.
I warmed up left over corned beef hash and added a fried egg on top of each.
I lay awake that night hoping it was a mistake, and that Brenda would call me back in the morning.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
For the next two days, I tried calling Brenda. At first it would ring and ring, never clicking onto the answerphone. In the end, the line went dead. Malcolm’s was the same. I checked my emails every five minutes. I re-sent my message, blind copying it back to myself. It arrived in a second. At least I knew it had been delivered.
While Alice was at nursery, I logged on to the surrogacy forum. My message hadn’t been opened. I sent another, trying to swallow down my growing panic. Telling myself Steve was probably right, they’d flown off somewhere exotic and couldn’t get a signal. They’d hired a live-in nanny. Why hadn’t I asked more questions? Found out what their plans were? Too bloody polite for my own good. Mum had always told me not to be nosey.
I paced up and down the flat. What else could I do? I held my arm around my stomach when it rumbled. I didn’t feel like eating but I needed to have something. I took a yogurt out of the fridge. Our copy of the court order was sticking out of the letter rack like a tongue. As they weren’t answering my emails, I could write them a letter. I put the yogurt down, pulled out the papers and copied their address onto a plain envelope and ours on the back. I sat on the sofa with a piece of paper balanced on a book and wrote to Brenda. I worded it as calmly as I could, saying I guessed they must be out of the country, but that the cheque had bounced and I couldn’t help worrying about the twins as I’d not heard from her for a while. All I wanted to know was if the twins were doing well and if they wouldn’t mind sending another cheque or transfer the funds to my account. I ended by saying how pleased I was that they were a little family at last.
I called in at the post office on my way to pick Alice up and sent it first class, hoping it would reach them the following morning.
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