by M. A. Lee
“Alice was thrown from the car; she smashed straight through the windshield. The paramedics said she died instantly, but I knew differently. I heard her screams for help as she lay on the side of the road in pain, bleeding. I let her die. I wanted to get to her and to save her, but I couldn’t. I was trapped inside the mangled car with no way of escaping. The sky was so dark and the wind pushed me back every time I tried to crawl out of the car.” I cried, now burying my head in my hands. My body trembled as I let out the storm that had been growing inside me. I had finally shared my story with someone and now, I knew, he would hate me forever.
Cole sat for a minute before talking. The longer he was silent, the more nervous I became as I waited for him to just get up and leave. Suddenly, he looked deep into my eyes.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Cole said as he sat motionless next to me. “You didn’t tell her to get in your car. You didn’t tell her to sleep with your fiancé. You didn’t create the storm.” he pleaded as he forced me to look at him.
I was sobbing now as he pulled me closer. I allowed his arms to tighten around me as I cried into his shoulder. I thought that telling Cole what I had done would make me feel worse, that I would lose something else. Instead, Cole was trying to make me feel better; he was trying to tell me that I wasn’t to blame, but I knew I was.
“It is my fault,” I cried out. “I was driving. I made the choice to drive through the storm. I was so angry at her; I was out of control.”
“You had every right to be angry.” Cole stated with anger. “Your friend and fiancé cheated on you. They betrayed you. Alice shouldn’t have gotten in your car. She knew what she was getting in to. Life is not supposed to be a fairy tale for cheaters, they are not supposed to have a happily-ever-after ending. They both got what they deserved that night.”
“I know I was justified in my anger. But, I should never have been driving. The storm was so bad and I was so upset...” I trailed off, unable to continue.
“Look at me, Mel.” Cole begged as he stood and knelt down in front of me. “It’s not your fault. Whether she had been in the car or not, the storm would have caused the wreck anyway. You could be the one dead right now. Everyone makes their own choices. You can’t control the outcome of her choice.” he choked, overwhelmed by my grief.
“You may not think it was my fault, but everyone blames me whether they say it aloud or not. Everyone judged me, silently condemned me for her death. Brody told everyone what happened, I was looked at like a murderer by my friends. My family made me see a therapist to discuss my apparent anger. Lauren was the only one who didn’t judge me or hate me. She was the only one who understood. I didn’t want Alice to die. I didn’t even want her to get hurt. I just wanted to get away.” The images from that night rushed back and I felt like I was in the middle of a typhoon. Every sound, every ounce of pain I felt, was clear inside me. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to forget. But every time I closed my eyes, I relived that night over and over again. And every time it rained, I would somehow be transported back to the moment when Alice died and I lost myself.
“Can I say something,” Cole said, as he continued to stare at me with wide eyes.
Nodding my head yes, I felt my lips press together tightly. My heart felt like it was going to crumple in defeat. After confessing my most personal and horrid secret, Cole was about to turn against me. I knew it was too good to be true to expect someone like Cole to still see good in me after everything I had just told him. The brave comment was probably just to soften the blow of what was to come next. I shifted nervously in my seat as my lips began to tremble.
“I don’t blame you,” Cole added, a small smile appearing on his face. “In fact, I think you are brave.”
I laughed so loud the sound almost scared me. How could he think I was brave? I was anything but brave.
“Okay. You must be crazy.” I joked. “I am not brave.”
“You are brave,” he argued. “You went to that apartment that night to do something nice for someone you loved. You were brave enough to go into that storm. You were brave enough to walk away from them and try to leave. You were brave enough to try to save Alice, the girl who had just betrayed your trust and ruined your future with Brody. And, you were brave enough to sit here and honestly share with me how you feel.” He forced me to look at him again as he held my face in his hands. His rough hands felt soothing against my skin as I felt myself giving in to him.
I allowed his words to sink in. I had been called a lot of things in my life: Naïve, spoiled, and, more recently, dangerous and crazy, but brave was never one of the adjectives used to describe me. Did he really think I was brave? Could he really see good in me after what I had done? I wasn’t sure if I deserved his friendship.
“You have no idea how much I needed to hear that.” I stated through my tears.
Breathing in a heavy breath, Cole placed his hands behind his neck. He looked away from me, his face twisted in angst. “When did you say this accident happened?” he asked, his voice low and solemn.
“Two years ago in April,” I said, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to unleash. The memories from the wreck and the thought of anyone thinking I was brave, were almost too much for me to handle.
“Shit,” Cole said, more to himself than to me. “I guess it’s my turn,” he said. “What I am about to tell you, may make you hate me forever,” he said, using my own words against me as he began grabbing my hands and holding them tightly.
“I just told you how a girl died because of a car I was driving. I don’t think I am in any place to judge,” I stated, pleading with him to trust me.
Sighing, Cole opened his mouth and allowed the words to escape in tiny breaths. “Two years ago, I was living with my aunt, and Isaac was really my only friend. She was the last person I knew who would take me in. We used to go to parties and get wasted. I would drink so much I would puke all the next day. One night, we were hanging out at Isaac’s house and a friend of ours, Mack, got really loaded. Anyway, Isaac wanted to leave, to go see this girl he was dating who wasn’t allowed to go to the party. Her parents actually cared about what she did. Isaac was so drunk he could barely walk, and I was too far gone to even think about offering. Mack, just took the keys and we stupidly got in the car. At the time I thought it was fine. Looking back, I don’t know how I even made it to the car. I don’t even remember getting into the car. Isaac only told me the little bit he remembered. So when we left the party, we were driving pretty fast and out of the corner of my eye, I remember seeing a truck run right through a red light and hit another car head on. Mack lost control of the car and we flipped several times. I didn’t remember any of it, not the drive nor the accident. When I woke up a few days later in a hospital, my aunt had kicked me out because she wasn’t going to deal with my shit anymore. The police told me the guy who ran the light was paralyzed. But...” Cole stopped and sniffed. He looked at me again almost like he couldn’t finish. “A girl died that night, too.”
I could tell he was fighting back tears as he opened up to me. I reached over and patted his arm, urging him to continue just like he had done for me. “It’s ok.” I said.
Smiling, he continued. “That’s why I don’t drink anymore. Even though I wasn’t the one driving, I still made a stupid decision that affected not only my life, but Isaac’s and that other guy as well. If I hadn’t been so wasted, I could have stopped Mack from getting in that car. Maybe everyone would be fine. We both received community service and two years’ probation. Isaac received community service for being underage and drinking. Mack, spent a year in prison and is still on parole. Anyway, after that night, and when I finally realized what I had done, I decided to change my life. I stopped drinking and decided not to take people I care about for granted. Isaac is the only person who is my family. I owe it to him to keep my life clean and sober and make a good future for myself.”
He paused for a moment and became very serious. “Do you remember anythi
ng else from that night? Maybe the other people?” he asked, his voice growing quiet.
I thought for a moment. I had only focused on the storm and Alice. Her face was all I saw as I was carried away by the ambulance. I didn’t even realize there were other cars involved until I saw the police report and talked with my parents. “I’m sorry. Not really. I was sort of selfish. I was so angry and hurt that all I could think about was getting out of the rain and getting to Alice.”
“I don’t really remember a lot about that night. Shit, only one thing has ever stuck out to me. One face changed my life forever, too.” He stated, his eyes filling with tears. He shook his head as he looked away.
Suddenly, like a sudden strike of lightning, it hit me. The wreck. Three cars. A girl died. Drunk driver. Storming. Cole’s car was part of the wreck that killed Alice.
“Oh no.” I whimpered as everything became clear to me.
“I am sorry,” he said, his eyes now looking at me.
“How could this happen?” I asked, looking up at the sky. “How could the universe be so cruel? How could two people, who have been part of such devastation meet?”
“We were supposed to meet?” he said, cupping my face in his hands.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because, we both went through a storm. We both didn’t know our lives would forever be changed by one defining moment. We were brought together for a reason; it was fate that we were placed in those situations at the exact same time.”
“Do you really think that?” I asked, dumbfounded that someone could take something so tragic and make it sound like fate.
“It wasn’t your fault, and after a long time, I finally understand it wasn’t mine. Sometimes you have to be torn apart before you can build yourself into the person you are supposed to be.”
Nodding my head, I was starting to understand what he meant. For two years I had been punishing myself. I had locked myself inside an internal prison for my part in the wreck. When in fact, I couldn’t have controlled what happened that night. Regardless, if Alice had gotten in my car or not, I would have driven through that storm. I would have left Brody’s apartment in complete hysterics during a monster storm. The man who ran the red light still would have made a choice to drink and drive. Cole, Isaac, and Mack still would have made bad decisions that led them to getting in their car that night. All of our choices contributed to one awful collision, but none of us could take one hundred percent of the blame.
Holding my hands, Cole began rubbing my thumb under his. The soft movements somehow felt therapeutic as the feel of his skin soothed me. “I don’t know how you did it, but you just changed my entire view on that night. I have punished myself for two years.” My voice broke as I spoke, as so many emotions and visions came crashing down at once.
“You have to let it go,” Cole said, as the silence surrounding us almost echoed his voice.
“It’s difficult to do that,” I began. “I can talk about it, but getting my emotions out still doesn’t change the fact that someone got hurt. It doesn’t change the fact that I got hurt.”
“I understand, but if you ever want to move on with your life, and really live, you have to forgive yourself and Brody.” Cole said, his voice cutting when saying Brody’s name.
I looked around, the sky was black and I could barely make out anything except for the fire and Brody’s face. I felt like we were alone in the world for a moment, just he and I. We had forgotten about everyone else inside the house; in that moment it was just he and I that mattered. It made me feel safe, a feeling I hadn’t felt in a very long time. “I do want to move on. I want to live and be happy and free again,” I said, wiping away the tears that were still prancing down my cheeks. “I just don’t know if I will ever be able to love anyone ever again. I gave my heart to Brody, and he crushed it. He ruined everything inside of me. No one should ever have that type of power over someone else. I just don’t think I can give myself to someone like that again.”
For the first time during our lengthy conversation, I saw Cole’s face twist in angst. Something I said had upset him, and had made his face display such anguish that it was tearing my heart into pieces. I stopped speaking the moment I looked into his eyes and noticed that the familiar sparkle that made Cole so irresistible had suddenly vanished.
“Do you really feel that way?” he asked, his eyes looking glossy. Maybe it was from the smoke from the fire, or maybe it was something else, but Cole almost looked like he would cry. “Do you really believe you could never love again?”
I nodded my head, afraid to open my mouth and speak.
Sighing, Cole shook his head and gazed into the fire. We sat for a long time without speaking. Both of us just listened to the sounds of the fire crackling and our own breaths.
“I hope that one day you are able to forget all of that bad stuff that happened. You are an amazing person. You deserve to be loved by someone who won’t take you for granted. Brody was an ass. He didn’t deserve you.” He shook his head again, letting out a frustrated grunt. “I would hate to think you would refuse love again, just because someone who couldn’t see how amazing you are, hurt you. Not all guys will do that, you know?” he said, turning to look at me again.
“I don’t know,” I whispered truthfully.
“Just promise me this,” Cole began, shifting in his seat so that his whole body faced me now. “Promise me that if one day, someone shows you they love you. And shows you how amazing you are, and swears to never hurt you, that you will give them a chance. Don’t give up on love, at least not yet. Promise me that, okay?” his voice cracked as he watched my face carefully. It was as if he were examining every curve, every feature of my face.
“Fine, I will promise. But I think it’s a long shot though. I am not sure that type of a person exists.”
Smiling, Cole patted my knee. “Can’t break a promise. And trust me, there are guys like that out there. You just aren’t looking hard enough.”
Cole finally turned to me. I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a swirl of emotions. I wasn’t sure if he was right or not. Did someone like that exist? Someone who I could trust with my heart and wouldn’t hurt me? I wasn’t sure, but maybe one day, I would be able to have hope and find a way to believe that he was right.
My first instinct was to get up and run away from Cole. He was a link to a past that I tried every day to forget, to erase from my memory. A larger part of me, wanted to stay where I was, to face the storm head on and find peace and understanding among the debris left behind. How could this man, that I just met, understand so much about me? How could he understand what it feels like to blame yourself for hurting someone else? The inner storm inside me kept me grounded though. It whispered to me to put faith in Cole, that he could help me find that tiny sliver of sunlight after the storm. I lifted up and wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled me closer, allowing me to bury my head in his shoulder. He held me for what seemed like forever. Wrapped in his arms, I felt more at ease than I had in a very long time. Cole’s presence made me forget how terrible I felt. His belief in me, his ability to see me as a good person, brought back a part of me that I thought died two years ago. Somehow, he had awakened me, brought me back to life, and now I truly had hope that my internal storm may be slowly dying.
7
In the weeks that followed, Cole was beginning to really grow on me. Ever since he had forced me to tell him about the night Alice died, I had found myself opening up to him more. My nightmares were slowly disappearing. Instead of waking up every morning from a horrific dream, I only woke up once or twice a week. Even still, the dreams were not as gut wrenching as they once were.
Whenever Lauren and Isaac were together, Cole and I would just hang out too. I enjoyed his company and knew that I was starting to develop feelings for him. In my mind, I knew Cole and I could never be anything but friends. I wouldn’t allow myself to fall for someone ever again. However, in my heart, I knew I was playing with fire. But I just co
uldn’t stop.
One afternoon, while Lauren had to work, I decided to hang out with Cole, Smalls, and Kat at a local bar and grille. It was a Saturday, and I had spent all my Friday nights reading over a manuscript on dog breeding. I was actually grateful to be out of my apartment and joking with Kat. In the short time that I knew them, Kat and Smalls had become my friends.
“Stop that,” I laughed as Cole threw another peanut at me. He was sitting across from me, joking the whole time. He had been snacking on a bowl of peanuts but instead of eating them, he was playfully throwing them at my face as I tried to ignore him. “I am trying to study.” I said, as I threw one of the peanuts back at him.
Dodging, the peanut hit the floor behind him and Cole jumped up, throwing his fist in the air. “Two points for me,” he said. Thankfully, we were the only ones in the small restaurant at the moment. The waitress and bartender were ignoring us, so we knew we could be rowdy.
Rolling her eyes, Kat gave us both the middle finger as she took a bite of her burger and texted someone on her phone. “You two should just date and get it over with,” she remarked, her eyes never leaving her phone screen.