I pushed myself off the wall as I watched the contest representative walking toward me. He looked more jubilant than I felt and I plastered on a smile that I hoped would thaw the ice in my heart. He handed over my presentation file along with a gazillion pages of contract that I was supposed to sign and hand over in a week.
I had won the contest.
I faced five pairs of eyes judging every word and move I made, questioning my motivations, my plans for the future, my readiness to manage a multi-million dollar deal. Somehow, my media appearances, including the latest one in the TIMENOW magazine had made it to the judges, laying my past issues bare for them all to criticize. And yet, I had won. I beat nineteen other teams to win this alone.
Wasn’t this the moment I was waiting for? Hadn’t I walked away from the one man who loved me to to experience this moment?
He had asked nothing in return and yet, I had turned my back on him, just to have this moment. Just to prove to myself that I could do it. And I did.
My fingers tightened over the smooth file in my hand, the reality of the moment dawning on me. I felt proud of my achievement, but it stopped at that. The pride felt trapped--it was just a tingle on the surface, unable to sink in any deeper under my skin. I looked at the door again, the feeling of loss and loneliness cutting into my heart. I wanted to share this moment with Ryan, so desperately that my heart bled. He hadn’t come. And I had no one to blame but myself.
I picked my laptop bag from the floor and stuffed the file inside. The wind picked up, trees lining the building swaying inelegantly. I swung the bag on my back and decided to leave. My rental car was parked on the other side of the building and I welcomed the distraction of a difficult walk to the car. I pushed open the heavy doors to exit the building and immediately felt the whip of the stormy winds.
The sky was overcast with dark clouds. The tall buildings around me rose to meet the darkness in the sky. I looked up, wind whipping my hair all over my face. I hooked my fingers on the straps of my bag and picked up my pace. Pedestrians were rushing around me and I enjoyed losing myself in the chaos. The utter loneliness gave way to a false sense of belonging. At least here, out in the open, we were all fighting the same storm.
The parking lot was deserted already, most of the conference attendees taking off before the full onslaught of rain hit the city. We were all going to be stuck on the streets of New York City tonight. It made no difference to me. I had no one waiting back home. I had no reason to rush.
My feet slowed as I noticed him. At first, I thought I was hallucinating. Wishing to see him here since the past eight hours had driven me half-mad, But then he moved. He uncrossed his arms, and stood up straighter as he noticed me. I should have noticed the disheveled state he was in - how his usually crisp white shirt sleeves were rolled up, and his dark blue tie was hanging loosely around his neck. How his suit rested on the hood of my car. How his hair was wind-whipped just like mine and the dark shadow of stubble stretched across his chin. But it was hard to notice any of it when my heart thudded so loudly.
Thankfully, my legs had a mind of their own and they took me a few steps closer. The chilled wind felt cool against my hot skin. In the time I had known Ryan, I discovered a funny side, an angry side, and an utterly hopeless romantic side to him. But the Ryan in front of me was a new one. His crystal blue eyes had a quiet storm of their own and they were locked with mine.
As I walked closer, my heart thudded louder. He didn’t move though, his gaze as intense as before. But the closer I was to him, the more I noticed the pain in his gaze. It told a story that seemed so similar to mine. It hurt to see him that way. It hurt to know that I was the one who put that pain in those beautiful eyes in the first place. I walked faster, eager to close the space between us. The wind picked up, our clothes and hair beating against us.
“Hi,” I said. It was a whisper even to my ears.
“Hi,” he said. I swallowed, and looked down.
“How long have you been waiting for me here?”
“A few hours,” he said, as if it were a mere few minutes.
“Why didn’t you come inside?” He shrugged in response. He took a step closer and even the wind couldn’t steal his warmth from me. I leaned in to the small space between us, greedy for more of him. To touch him and know for sure this was real.
“So...did it go well?” His tentative question surprised me. I looked up at him, his face not too far from me.
“You don’t know?” He shook his head, his lips pursed. He was as nervous as I was back in the conference. He wanted this as much as I did and that made my heart swell with a feeling that I could finally name. My eyes burned with the realization.
“I won.” His tense face broke into the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. His eyes moist with emotion, he almost hugged me but he stopped himself just in time. He took a tentative step back, his smile dimmed and hands in fist on his side. My heart broke a thousand times more and I gulped a cry. “But I feel like the biggest loser in the world”.
A myriad of emotions played on his face but most of all, concern knitted his brow. I stepped closer, and touched his forehead, my thumb caressing the worry away. Tears swam in my eyes but I didn’t bother to stop them this time. My heart was too heavy to keep my pain caged inside.
“I laid my shortcomings bare to the world today. I told the judges why I failed all my life at everything -”
“That’s not -”
“Please let me finish.” My hands rested on his cheeks, thumb grazing the side of his lips. He wanted to deny it all but that was the truth. “I did fail at everything. Before you came along and showed me it doesn’t have to be that way. I won today, a dream I had carried with me through the darkest of nights. But you know why I feel like a loser?”
Tears fell freely now on my face. He cupped my cheeks, tracing the tears with his thumbs.
“In the coldest of nights when only the dream of winning kept me sane, your faith in me kept me warm.” I sniffed, my chin quivering with emotion. “You were not in there, Ryan,” I said, pointing back at the building. “I had never felt more alone. Not even when my dad sent me away to Chicago, or in the dark room of my rehabilitation center. Or when my mother died.”
Rain poured around us now, drenching both of us in cold water. He pushed the hair off my face, shielding me with his body. “I want to be very successful. I have to prove to the world I am so much more than that woman in the shady video. But I need you,” I tugged at his wet shirt. “So desperately. I will work from sunrise to sunset, with no time to breathe, but when the sun goes down, I need to know you are waiting for me and my success or failure will make no difference in how you see me.” Water dripped from his face to mine, his eyes as moist as mine. In that moment I realized, I had bared my heart to him with no idea of why he was here. Doubt plagued me. “You will wait for me, right?”
“I will always wait for you.” Relief washed over me and words I had not planned to say stumbled out.
“I love you, Ryan. So much.” His fingers froze on my cheeks, his gaze on me so intense. A small part of me worried I had said too much, too soon, but for the most part, I was relieved. It had to be said today while we shared this win.
“Prove it to me.” Ryan said.
“Let’s move in together.” His eyes widened a little, and a smile as big as his heart broke out on his face. Before I knew it, he engulfed me in a crushing hug as a whisper of his emotions caressed my neck.
“But what about your studio apartment?”
“What about it?”
“You just rented it.”
‘Yes. For us. Let’s move into my apartment.”
Ryan chuckled. “Your tiny studio apartment with a single window, and probably painted with all of the colors of the rainbow by now?” He planted a soft kiss on my lips. “I love you, Anshi Jain.” His laughter on my skin felt like sunshine even amidst the storm. “And anything for you. Anything.”
THE END
Epilogue
Seven months later….
“Kira, change into a dress right now. We are going to a grown-up party, not to the beach.”
My daughter huffed her disagreement. “I’m nine. Stop saying grown-up like I’m five!” she retorted, rolling her eyes. If she rolled her eyes one more time at me, they might actually fall out of her head.
“Now.” She groaned and stomped her way into her bedroom, pushing Aiden, her seven year old brother out of the way.
“Die, just die,” he yelled back.
“We are in a special mood today, aren’t we?” I said, taking in Aiden’s tucked in checkered shirt and beige full-length pants. I was thankful these pants didn’t run too short like the ten others I had to discard in the morning. “Come here.” I beckoned to him, and with a brush, I tamed his thick mop of dark hair into a respectable style.
“I wish I had a brother,” he whined. “Kira is so much drama.” I pressed my lips tightly so as not to laugh and encourage him.
“Kira loves you. She is just upset she can’t wear what she wants right now.”
“Well, I am, too...but it’s a grown-up party! Everyone knows the rules,” he shrugged with new-found confidence about grown-up things.
I nodded at him.
We both turned to see Kira finally in her modest, peach lace midi-dress. She waited, sulking, at the front door of our townhouse. She looked gorgeous with her sand-colored hair falling straight down her back. I walked toward her, but Aiden made it to her side before I could. She gave him a lop-sided smile, eying his well-tamed hair. I adjusted the ruffling accent at the collar of her dress and stood up straight. Both children straightened up on cue and I smiled.
“Perfect,” I declared, smiling.
We arrived on time for the Ad release party by Blue Lives, the non-profit organization that hired Anshi for their annual national Christmas fundraiser. I was so proud of her. The fact that we almost lost her to addiction felt like a bad dream-- nightmare that lasted longer than it should have. Had I played the part of a sister better, she probably would have suffered far less.
I shook my guilt away as the three of us were ushered in to the VVIP door. Being family to the ad designer had its benefits. Holding on to Kira and Aiden, I looked for Anshi. Aiden pulled my hand and I bent lower to hear him over the loud music in the hall.
“Will Dad be here?” My heart squeezed at the hopeful look on his face. I shook my head wordlessly and his face fell in disappointment. I straightened, determined not to let his sadness affect me too much. Aiden was still getting used to his father’s continued absence in their lives. Kira had accepted it a couple of months earlier when my ex-husband Karan didn't show up for her ninth birthday. We had quietly divorced a few months before that, taking no one by surprise - well, except for Anshi who had no idea about my disastrous marriage. I didn’t blame her - she had a lot going on in her life.
“Sara, over here.” Ryan, looking dashing in his dark blue blazer and white shirt, was waving at us from a table, where he was sitting with Nisha. Aiden and Kira rushed to her and I trailed behind, keeping an eye on them as they moved through the crowd.
Ryan hugged me while Nisha balanced herself in her pumps to keep from falling as the kids drowned her in hugs.
“Where’s Anshi?” I asked. “Did you guys get a chance to catch up on sleep yesterday after the move?”
Ryan nodded. “I did. I think Anshi was up all night waging war against my closets. I woke up to find everything re-arranged in the bathroom. He shook his head morosely.
“Better than that tiny apartment though,” Nisha chimed in.
“Any day! I was shocked she didn’t put up a fight when I suggested moving back to the penthouse.” He took a sip from his beer.
I wasn’t about to tell Ryan that Anshi was going to suggest the same idea to him soon enough. She had confessed to me over lunch that she'd had enough of the lack of space in the studio apartment. Then she declared that she could continue to enjoy being independent and self-sufficient while living in her rich boyfriend's penthouse.
“Where is she?” I asked, looking around for my sister.
“She went backstage a few minutes ago,” said Ryan. “Time for the reveal.” He pointed at the stage in front of us. The music softened, then stopped just as I got Aiden settled in on one of the bar stools around the table.
Tony Grant, the chairman of Blue Lives, came up on stage to big applause. Stocky and well-dressed, he addressed the crowd, welcoming everyone and listing out the itinerary of the formal events.
“And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our special guest. Our biggest donor for the last three years, this man has made a huge difference through his charitable efforts And he continues to make a significant difference in the lives of the people of New York and the nation as a two-time New York congressman from the city. He brings both decency and style to governance,and I cannot wait to see the bright future this young fella has in store. We are honored to have him reveal our 2020 National Christmas Fundraiser ads. Friends, please welcome congressman Tristan Carter!”
The crowd erupted around me. The only person who had been reduced to shocked silence other than me was Nisha.
“Is that...our Tristan?” Nisha asked incredulously.
“I think so,” I said softly, as the visual of Tristan Carter, my best friend from a lifetime ago,, hit me in the chest. He walked up on to the stage with long, confident strides and his usual easy-going smile. The crowd went wild with applause and a few whistles and hoots as everyone took in the dashing man standing on the stage in his black three piece suit, complete with a black bowtie.
“Good afternoon, New York!” His rich baritone was loud and the crowd cheered louder.
“So good to be back. I missed the city. DC is all well and good, but nothing like coming home to giant pizzas and real friends.”
My heart hammered against my chest as it recognized a familiar longing for a man I hadn’t seen for a decade. Ten years had passed since night where I lost my first love and best friend in one single swoop. I struggled to keep my eyes open, to not give in to my need to hear his soothing voice lull me into a sense of security that I hadn’t felt since I married.
He worked the crowd easily. He had always been good with people. His easy smiles won people over in spite of his privileged life as the son of a senator, because they were sincere. He was sincere.
“So, let’s get the show rolling, shall we?” The loud cheering of the crowd drowned the opening lines of the tune that began, the large screen behind Tristan coming to life with the ad video.
As the image of a glass of milk and cookies evoked fond Christmas memories, even I forgot Tristan for a moment. Pride filled me as I witnessed Anshi’s brilliance, her proof of victory over all the naysayers in her life. And when she walked on to the stage with her team, I didn’t regret not clapping as I was too occupied with wiping away my tears while hugging the life out of Nisha.
Ryan had to be the loudest clapper in the room, even though he probably couldn’t see an inch ahead of him with his teary eyes.
And for the next few moments, when Anshi joined us at the table, we hugged and enjoyed her success as if we were ten again - with sweet kisses and hearts full of best wishes.
“You look perfect as usual, Sara,” said Anshi, finally settling down with us. Ryan’s hand wrapped around her shoulders. Anshi glowed with confidence and love. The easy comfort between them was a treat to my eyes.
“Thank you.”
“Have you talked with Tristan yet?,” she asked, biting into Ryan’s slice of pizza. I shook my head hoping she would drop it. “He hasn’t changed a bit! When you see him, you will know what I mean.”
“I don’t think I will have time. Kira has basketball practice.” Kira scooted closer to Nisha, her favorite aunt, on cue.
“Well, good then that Tristan is heading our way,” said Nisha, pointing at someone behind me “You won’t be late.” She got off her stool to greet him but I
refused to turn around. After all these years, how do I face him again? She rushed past me to hug him and they fell into a chatter that I couldn’t hear past the roaring in my ears.
“Sara?” I froze, my name on his lips sending goosebumps over my arms. I turned around slowly, letting out a shuddered breath. He stood a couple of feet away, hands in his pockets, and brown eyes that left a searing burn in my heart. Our eyes met, and in that instant an eternity of memories passed between us.I broke eye contact first, taking a mouthful of air. It was easy to forget to breathe around him.
He took a step closer to me, his familiar warm presence tickling so many memories of our shared past.
“Tristan.”
Before I said another word, I felt his hands--his large, warm hands--around me, pulling me into his strong embrace. I balled my hands into fists at my side and my head settled under his chin, I breathed in the hint of soap and cologne that I had come to love.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered into my hair. I ached, the pain far worse than the heartbreak of my recent divorce, because I heard the pain in his declaration. My hands, no longer reluctant, returned his hug. It might have been a moment or a few hours; I had no idea. We untangled ourselves awkwardly, his eyes roving over my face again.
I felt a tug at my side and turned to see Aiden hug me sideways protectively. I wrapped a hand around his small arms and smiled back at him.
Aiden watched as Tristan bent down on one knee and extended his hand to him.
“Hi, I’m Tristan Carter, your mom’s friend.” Aiden looked up at me questioningly. When I nodded, he put his small hands in Tristan’s.
“Aiden Roy. Nice to meet you.” Tristan smiled at Aiden and shook his hand as if my son was an important dignitary.
“And I am Kira Roy. You gave a good speech,” my daughter declared to Tristan. His warm laugh slid over my skin as he straightened up to shake hands with Kira.
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