by A. Anders
It was first told to him by his parents. Then it was told to him by his relationships. Most recently he got it from Cara and Brik. At best he was someone you fucked, maybe while on an adventurous vacation. And he was certainly a celebration fuck after getting everything you wanted.
Mars couldn’t take it anymore. Stumbling across the room he grabbed a shirt and his keys. Leaving his studio and his life behind, he got into his car and started it up. Somewhere in the back of his mind was a voice asking whether or not he should be driving. Another voice screamed its reply.
“Yes. No one cares what happens to you, so yes.”
It was then that Mars slipped his car into reverse, backed out onto the street and drove into the darkness.
It had taken a long time for Mars to figure out who he was. At least, that was how it felt to him. His realization came when he was sixteen years old. At the time there was a boy by the name of Maxwell. He was Mars’s age but they didn’t attend the same school.
Maxwell was the type of kid that parents didn’t want their own child hanging around. Max wore all black and would often be seen wearing makeup. It wasn’t anything ostentatious or gaudy. Mostly it was a little eyeliner, and on rare occasions, a white powder base.
Having felt out of place his whole life, Mars had made it his life mission to try and fit in. That meant that what Maxwell was doing was a revelation to him. Here was a boy who didn’t try to be like everyone else. In fact, he seemed to spit on the whole concept. Mars saw that there was something unmistakably beautiful about Max. And one day, when Mars saw Maxwell staring back, Mars began to get a glimpse of who Mars might be.
Having often seen Maxwell hanging outside the four-wheeler dirt track, Mars went there one day with a purpose. Although always surrounded by friends, or at least people he wanted to believe were his friends, Mars was certain to make sure that none of them would be at the track that particular day. He didn’t want anyone to see what he was about to do.
Getting off the bus and walking the remaining three blocks, Mars second-guessed why he was going to the track. He didn’t stop, though. Even through the doubt, he remembered how staring at Maxwell had made him feel.
Arriving and spotting Max on the bleachers on the far end of the track, Mars again regained his courage. Then, with his young heart pounding against the inside of his chest, Mars crossed the track and sat on the otherwise empty bleacher two rows up. It was just 10 feet from where Maxwell sat. Mars’ intentions couldn’t be any clearer.
“Hey,” Maxwell said turning to look at Mars.
“Hey,” Mars said fighting to breathe.
“I’ve seen you around here. You’re fast around the track,” Maxwell told him.
Mars wasn’t any better than any of his friends. Four-wheeling was something that everyone did in Palmdale. Pretty much every family had one. But Mars appreciated Maxwell’s comment.
“Thanks. You ride?”
“Nah. I used to when I was younger, though.”
“Why did you stop?” Mars asked turning to face him.
“My parents moved.”
“Your parents moved? What about you?”
“I decided to stay here.”
“So, do you, like, work or something?” Mars asked reassessing Maxwell’s age.
“I do stuff. I get by. What about you? Do you get by?” Maxwell asked now turning his full attention to Mars.
“I don’t know,” Mars answered as honestly as he could.
From that day forward, Mars spent every moment he could with Maxwell. He would slip away after school, spent all weekend, and eventually some nights. At first, Mars would only sleep in his bed with him. They never touched.
But then one night when Mars pretended to be asleep, Maxwell touched Mars’ naked chest examining every rise and dimple. The sensation aroused Mars so much he couldn’t hide it. Sleeping in his underwear, Mars got an erection. Maxwell, realizing that Mars was only pretending to be asleep, eased over to his friend, delicately removed his cock from his boxers, and wrapped his lips around Mars’ young manhood.
Mars didn’t know that so much pleasure could exist. His mind tossed and turned as he was slowly brought to orgasm. And when his moans betrayed his mask of being asleep, he opened his eyes once again catching Maxwell’s moonlit gaze. Nothing else needed to be said between the two boys, Maxwell simply slid up the bed, wrapped his arms around Mars and held the boy tight.
The two boy’s relationship grew quickly after that. Mars lost his virginity to Maxwell, and Mars did everything he could to please Max. They hung out together at the waterpark. They grabbed In-N-Out at the local mall. And after Maxwell had snuck Mars a few drinks, Mars even let him hold his hand in public. Mars didn’t see it as a sign of affection as much as it was a ‘fuck you’ to everyone who thought that two boys loving each other could be wrong.
However, it was that act of rebellion that caused Mars’ life to take a turn for the worst. Being the son of an old-school Mexican father and a half white, half Native American mother, Mars was subject to certain rules. His father had raised him to “be a man.” And getting word that Mars was walking around town holding some other boy’s hand was unacceptable to his family.
The first time his father heard about it, Mars returned home to his father in a drunken rage. Mars had to lock himself in his room while his belligerent father yelled slurs through the door. Then, one weekend when Mars never came home at all, he returned on Monday to find all of his clothes in garbage bag tossed out onto the lawn. Mars had been thrown out of his house like trash.
Gathering his stuff, he returned to Maxwell’s. Maxwell was happy to have him, and living with him was when Maxwell let Mars in on a secret. The way Maxwell was able to have money to eat and live was that occasionally Maxwell would sell himself as a hustler.
Maxwell had men who would drive up from Los Angeles to be with him. Maxwell didn’t love doing it but he didn’t hate it either. And when Mars found out, he was upset. But with nowhere else to go, what could Mars do but accept the boy he loved and make the most of their situation.
In spite of everything going on, Mars managed to finish his junior and senior year of high school. The last few months of school weren’t easy, though. With Maxwell long since having dropped out, he spent most of his days at home getting high. Mars was scared to touch the stuff. So, when Maxwell got high, he got drunk. And as long as the two of them got intoxicated together, Mars learned that Maxwell never complained.
After graduation was when Maxwell stepped up the pressure for Mars to join him at his job. Maxwell had a particularly well-paying client who talked about paying a lot of money to have Maxwell’s boyfriend join them. At first, Mars refused.
“He’s a really good guy,” Maxwell kept saying. “I promise you’ll like him.”
With no other way of making a living, Mars eventually gave in. Maxwell was right. Mars did like him. After a few weeks, the three of them were practically living together.
That didn’t sit so well with Maxwell, though. Starting to feel like the third wheel, Maxwell started getting high all the time. Then, after a particularly bad fight, Maxwell got up and left. He never came back.
Eventually, Mars decided that his boyfriend had most-likely overdosed in the desert, never to be found. That was certainly a possibility. But what Mars knew for sure, was that yet another person he cared about had tossed him aside.
John, the older man that Mars and Maxwell had been living with, became more of a father figure to Mars after that. John encouraged Mars to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. When Mars told him that he wanted to become a fashion designer, John was completely behind it.
John helped him fill out the application for schools, apply for financial aid, and John even gave him an allowance once Mars was accepted. But eventually, Mars felt his and John’s relationship change. There was no mistaking it, John was getting tired of him. Soon they were only having sex once every couple of weeks. Later it was not at all.
John w
as kind enough to give Mars all the time he needed to find his own place and to get a job. Mars took John’s offer graciously and within a few weeks moved out.
Living on his own was when Mars met his first girlfriend. It was someone he went to school with. Mars found it odd being in a relationship with a woman for the first time, but he grew to like it. They were together for almost a year. And when she left, Mars again felt like he wasn’t given a reason. All he knew was that like everyone else in his life, she was gone.
It was after that that Mars decided his life needed to change. He couldn’t let people get that close to him anymore. The closer they got, he realized, the more it hurt when they left. So instead of being reminded over and over again how little people thought of him, Mars decided to throw himself headfirst into his work as a clothing designer, and leave others before they got the chance to leave him.
For Mars, that plan worked for a lot of years. In a challenging field, Mars found steady work. And when it came to relationships, he no longer got his heart broken. In fact, by the end of each relationship, everyone always chased after him until eventually slithering away devastated.
Mars wondered whether this was going to be how it was for the rest of his life until one day, as he sat at the SLS Hotel bar, he met a man who was more gorgeous than any guy he’d ever seen.
“I’m Brik,” the beautiful man told him.
“What do you do, Brik?” Mars asked him.
“I do a lot of things. I own hotels. That’s what I mainly do. But what I really like to do is invest in people.”
“How do you do that?” Mars asked taken by Brik nobility.
“I find special people who are worth investing in and I help them achieve their dreams. What do you do?”
Mars told Brik about his desire to create a clothing line. It was Brik who suggested that it be designed for bisexuals. Brik explained the numbers behind it and the exponential growth of the community, whatever that meant. All Mars really cared about was that Brik was a man who looked at Mars and saw more than just the damaged child that everyone abandoned.
In finding Brik, Mars believed that he had found the man he had always dreamed about. He imagined that Brik might love him and that he would stop feeling so desperately alone. Mars took the unwarranted, dangerous step of allowing himself to open up to Brik, and as fate would have it, as he opened up, his creative mind shut down preventing him from designing their clothing line.
It was like some sick cosmic joke. During the years that Mars had been ruthlessly savage towards himself and others, his creativity flowed like a wellspring. But the moment Mars made himself vulnerable enough to become a human being worthy of love, the thing that had drawn Brik to him, went away.
“Do you know what you need?” Brik asked Mars after months of futility.
“No. What do I need?” Mars asked feeling his cynicism grow.
“Some getaway time in the Bahamas. I’m opening up a new hotel there. I’ll be there for a month. You can come with me.
“I’ll set you up with your own space. You’ll have a studio with all your stuff in it. It’s a beautiful place. Believe me, if you can’t be inspired down there, then you won’t be inspired anywhere,” Brik said with one of his typically charming smiles.
It turned out that Brik was right. Cara turned out to be exactly the inspiration Mars needed. Mars fell for her instantly. The sex between them was clearly amazing, but more than that, she had a spirit that seemed unstoppable.
Quickly, however, it became clear to Mars that Brik was pushing him off on her. Obviously, Brik didn’t want to have to deal with Mars anymore. The idea had disturbed Mars when Brik had first suggested that she and he work together. Quickly, Mars got over it. If he couldn’t have Brik, then Cara was an amazing consolation prize.
The problem was that after expressing a lot of interest in him, she seemed to lose her interest as everyone else in his life had. As close as they would seem to get, she would keep pulling away. It wasn’t like she was a virgin or like they hadn’t slept together. It had to be that she didn’t like him. So instead of her being someone that Mars could love, Cara became another example of someone who got what they needed from him and then tossed him away.
Eventually, it became clear to Mars who Cara was truly interested in. Cara liked Brik. From what Mars could see, Brik liked her too. For a moment as they all made love, Mars imagined that he could have a small piece of their affection. But, of all times, that was when inspiration hit and Brik decided to lock himself away.
The one good thing that did come from their time on the yacht, was that it broke the seal on Brik and his sex life. Mars had high hopes for that. A pattern developed, however. Mars would always feel worse about himself after they hooked up. There was something going on with Brik. From where Mars stood, it felt like Brik wanted to be there until he orgasmed, in which case Brik wanted to be anywhere else.
In Mars’ loneliness, he would often think about Cara. She had been the only woman that’s Mars had ever really loved. They’d only been together for a short time but there was no mistaking it. She inspired him to do and be more than Mars ever imagined of himself. And finally, when Mars had a sample of the design that Cara had played a huge role in inspiring, he found her address and sent it to her.
Although he had thought about it, he didn’t include a note. What would he say, after all? And wasn’t it Brik who she truly loved? Maybe if Cara reconnected with her love, Brik, maybe, somewhere in there, they would find love for him. But Mars accepted that that was just his deluded fantasy.
Mailing Cara’s shirt, however, never resulted in a bright-eyed reunion. Weeks after he had sent it, everything was still the same. That meant that Mars’ only chance at love would be if Brik saw the clothing line, the thing that Mars had created for him, and considered him worthy.
That wasn’t what happened. Instead, Brik fucked him like a whore and left him on the floor covered in his own cum. After a day of endless drinking, Mars decided that he needed to end it all. And the place he was going to do it, was the place where it all began.
Mars drove into the night barely able to see where he was going. No matter what, though, he was going to get himself there. And when he did, he had no doubt what he was going to do next.
Chapter 11
Brik
Brik picked up his phone and called Mars. No one answered.
“Hi Mars, this is Brik. Can you give me a call when you get this? I think I have a surprise for you,” he said looking at Cara. “Anyway, call me back.”
“Not there?” Cara asked.
“It’s his cell phone. He didn’t pick up.”
“Is that usual?”
“No, it isn’t. He always picks up.”
Brik stared down at his phone concerned. He didn’t want to admit this, but he hadn’t left things in a good way with Mars. After they had had sex, Brik had practically run from the studio. Brik understood how much of an asshole that made him, but he couldn’t help it. The compulsion to get out had been too great.
Brik turned away considering if the way he had exited was related to Mars not answering his phone now.
“Should we be worried?” Cara asked Brik.
Brik looked back at Cara. “Oh, no. I’m sure he’ll give me a call back in a few minutes. He’s probably just in the bathroom or something,” Brik said in spite of how worried he was becoming.
As Brik’s heart began to race, he turned his attention to Cara. “So, how have you been? Has the contract between your brewery and the hotel worked out?”
“Yeah, definitely. The hotel ordered a second delivery.”
“Already?”
“Yeah, right? That’s a big deal,” Cara said with a smile.
“I’m glad it worked out for you,” Brik said suddenly hit with a wave of emotions. “I missed you. You were maybe the best thing about my trip.”
Shocked, Cara’s face twisted in sudden confusion. “Then, why did you leave like that?” Cara asked fighting to hide he
r overwhelming heartbreak.
Brik opened his mouth trying to speak. So many things entered his mind yet nothing felt like the right thing to say. “I don’t know. Certainly Mars had been inspired and had needed to get back to his LA studio.”
“Yeah, but you left while I was sleeping. Neither of you said goodbye. All you left me was a note,” Cara said unable to fight the tears that welled in her eyes.
“I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep running from things that I don’t want to run from.”
“But, didn’t you like me?”
It was as Cara wiped the tears from her cheeks that Brik truly saw Cara for the first time. It broke Brik’s heart. He had hurt her. He had never meant to do that.
“I liked you a lot. I’d never met anyone like you. You are yourself all the time. You’re fearless and unpredictable. And, on top that, you don’t seem to know how beautiful you are.”
“Then why did you leave? You didn’t even say goodbye,” Cara said her body twitching as she fought back her emotions.
“I don’t know. All that I knew at the time was that I had to go,” Brik admitted distraught by the confusion.
“Was it because of Mars? Are you in love with Mars?”
Brik froze hearing her question. He wanted to run. He needed to run. His body felt like it was breaking apart. A voice in his head was screaming for him to go, but he didn’t. Instead, he allowed the truth the surface. It washed over him like a wave leaving him naked and exposed to the world.
“Yes. I’m in love with Mars,” he admitted to himself for the first time. “I’ve been in love with him for a while now.”
Cara’s heart break was complete. Cara tried to get up to leave but her legs didn’t work. “Okay. I understand.”
“I think that’s why when I began having feelings for you, things got hard to deal with,” Brik admitted. “I couldn’t shake the way I felt about Mars until you and I began to spend time together. It was only then that I could imagine being with someone else. It was almost a relief.