‘Don’t be so bloody juvenile, Anna.’
‘I need to come round and return the spare keys. I took them home with me by mistake.’
‘Oh. All right, I suppose.’
‘Is Ed with you?’ I ask.
‘Yes,’ she says. ‘Why?’
I glance at the bathroom door, but Janet is still in there, washing her hair. Thankfully. I suppose she couldn’t bear the idea of Lily seeing her looking so dreadful.
‘Well, I should say hello to both of you. You know, as a couple.’
‘Why?’ she asks, suspiciously.
I try for innocent. ‘Lily, Ed and Charles are cousins. They’re close. We’re going to be seeing a lot of each other if this works out for you. Charles and I are thinking of getting back together,’ I extemporize. ‘You want to be accepted into the family, don’t you?’
She hesitates. ‘Of course, well, yes. Naturally. Getting back together, huh? That’s very nice.’
‘So will he be there with you later? About half an hour? I’d like to say hi. Maybe Charles will be with me, I’m not sure.’
‘Oh, yes. Charles is such a sweetie,’ says Lily smoothly. ‘Of course, do come over, I think a family get-together would be lovely.’
‘Dawsons and future Dawsons,’ I say.
‘Future Dawsons,’ she gloats. ‘Oh yes! We’ll wait in for you. Ciao.’
Janet nukes her hair and doesn’t bother much with makeup, but that’s OK. She’s used concealer and bronzer to make herself look more healthy, and she’s such an expert that she manages to look fresh and sexy with next to nothing – all the dark circles gone, a couple of blue drops in her eyes, and bingo! She’s almost as good as new.
I can’t say the same for myself, but that doesn’t really matter any more.
We take the tube down to Tottenham Court Road and get out and walk. Janet wants to bottle out, but I keep telling her I need her as my witness, to get the money back.
‘Aren’t you going to press the buzzer?’ she asks, when we walk past the feminist bookshop into our narrow building.
I shake my head. ‘Still got the keys.’ Anyway, I can’t risk Ed answering the door. Janet would definitely run away then.
We step out of the elevator and I knock on the door.
Lily opens it. I shove Janet inside.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ Lily sneers at Janet. She’s wearing a slinky little black dress with a matching chiffon cardigan, looks like Ghost, and is made up to the nth degree. Ed, on the other hand, is perching nervously on the end of our couch in a Hugo Boss suit, the type Eli Roth favours. It looks bloody awful on him. I’ve seen startled racehorses that look more comfortable than Ed does now.
When he sees Janet, it’s hard to say which of them looks more horrified. Janet gives a strangled cry and makes for the door. But I’m blocking it. There’s no way she’s getting past me.
‘What is this?’ screeches Lily. ‘What the hell’s going on?’
‘You set me up,’ says Janet. ‘Let me out!’ she implores.
‘Nobody’s going anywhere,’ I shout. ‘Ed,’ I say. ‘What the hell are you doing? You broke up with Janet in order to date a woman who doesn’t give a toss about you and is only interested in your money.’
‘Please don’t,’ says Janet, starting to cry. I knew she would do that, but it still freaks me out. I stand my ground all the same. I mean, I’ve done it now, haven’t I?
‘How dare you,’ shrieks Lily. ‘I love Ed for himself! Get out!’
‘That’s not true,’ I say, looking at Ed. ‘She wanted nothing to do with you back when she thought you were poor, and she tried to talk Janet out of dating you because we all thought you had no money. But Janet stayed true.’
‘Rubbish!’ squeals Lily. ‘That’s complete…’ she wants to say ‘bollocks’ but settles for ‘nonsense’, on the grounds of its being more ladylike, perhaps.
‘How could you dump somebody that cared about you like that?’ I demand. ‘Ed, how could you?’
Janet is crying now, properly. Ed shoots to his feet. He looks like a man in an agony of indecision, but when Janet starts to sob he can’t help himself any more. He bounds over to her, grabbing her hands.
‘Please,’ he says desperately. ‘Janet, don’t, don’t…’
‘It’s all a bloody stunt, she’ll get over it,’ Lily snarls. ‘Let her go.’
‘I can’t,’ Ed says, miserably. ‘I’m sorry, Lily. I – I love her.’
‘Excuse me?’ Lily demands, glacially.
‘I tried to call you,’ Ed says to the sobbing Janet. ‘I tried to find you. I was so sorry, right away … it was just a moment’s madness … when you caught us kissing…’
‘Madness?’ Janet sobs.
‘Yes,’ he says. ‘Lily had … her cardigan slipped and I…’
‘Slipped, right,’ I snort.
‘You’re actually falling for this?’ Lily yells. ‘I can’t believe you!’
‘I never wanted to go out with you,’ Ed says to her. ‘I – I kissed you – I felt … obligated. You and I aren’t a great fit,’ he says, deferentially. ‘I mean, I liked my old jumpers.’
‘I liked them too,’ Janet sniffs.
‘Those old rags!’ Lily yells, her eyes bright with tears of her own. ‘You were a damn wreck. You need me, Ed! You wanted me!’
‘I wanted you,’ he admits. ‘But needed you…’
He turns Janet’s tear-streaked face towards him and covers it with kisses, kissing down the salty tracks on her cheeks.
‘Well,’ says Lily. Hot tears of rage and shame are now spilling out of her beautiful eyes. ‘I hope you’re happy, Anna, ruining my life like that.’
‘I haven’t ruined your life at all,’ I say to her. ‘You’re in love with Henry.’
‘I couldn’t care less about him,’ she says.
‘That’s bullshit and you know it. You’re in love with him, Lily. You’re just afraid. That’s why you keep dating only men with money. That’s why you were so horrible to Janet when her modelling career went wrong. Because you think it’s going to happen to you, soon.’
‘No it isn’t!’ she shrieks. ‘Shut up!’
‘And you don’t think you can do anything else,’ I continue, relentlessly. ‘You don’t have any faith that you can use your brains. You think that as soon as your beauty’s gone it’s all over for you. That’s why you’re looking so desperately for rich guys you don’t even care about. Because you think your looks are all you’re worth.’
‘Liar!’ Lily half screams. And then she bursts into proper tears, sobbing, great heaving, wrenching sobs that make Janet’s waterworks look totally unimpressive. Janet comes over to hug her, horrified, and Lily clutches her, not that she can probably see who it is through the flood. I pass over the box of Kleenex.
Ed says quietly, ‘Excuse me,’ and withdraws into the hallway. I hope he isn’t about to bail.
‘You – you don’t know what it’s like,’ Lily shudders, looking at me with red eyes and red nose. ‘You’ve got no idea what it’s like to think about your looks every single day.’
I smile faintly. ‘Actually, you’d be surprised.’
‘Every line,’ Lily says. ‘Every hair, every tiny wrinkle…’ She shudders in fright. ‘I use all the products but it doesn’t help. Not really. My face is still changing, I count the months till my next birthday,’ she sobs. ‘It’s easy for you, you’ve got a degree,’ she says. ‘I don’t even own this flat, I just sub-let it.’
‘You’re clever,’ I tell her.
‘I never even bothered with university, I was modelling,’ she sobs. ‘And it didn’t work out. Not really … never the big jobs, the big money. I could have bought a flat, I could have had a car…’
‘You still can,’ I say. ‘You can do all that stuff.’
‘With what? I’ve got no qualifications,’ she says. ‘GCSEs in English and French and that’s it. All I know is modelling and fashion.’
‘So go into modellin
g. Executive side. Become a scout. Start an agency,’ I suggest. ‘You know what it takes, you know the photographers, the ad executives. You keep a Rolodex for schmoozing, use it to make them customers instead.’
Lily’s sobs calm down just a little.
‘Do – do you really think I could?’ she asks.
‘You’d be great at it,’ Janet encourages her. ‘You could always tell which girls would make it and which wouldn’t. You knew I wouldn’t.’
Lily looks at her shoes.
‘Sorry for being such a bitch,’ she says. It’s almost inaudible, but it’ll do.
‘That’s OK,’ Janet says, hugging her. Janet is such a sweetie. I hope she marries Ed and has sixteen babies. She’s such a mother.
Ed walks back into the room.
‘I just called Henry,’ he says. ‘He’s on his way over.’
‘Oh God,’ Lily says, panicking. ‘No. I can’t see him. I can’t What can I say to him?’
‘Sorry?’ suggests Ed. ‘That’s what I said to him. Took it quite well. Good chap, Henry.’
‘You know,’ I tell Lily, ‘you’ve got to start by getting some courage up. You’ve got to see Henry and tell him the truth. Just apologize and explain why you did it.’
‘Do you think he’ll take me back?’ she asks, in a small voice.
‘Honestly, I have no idea,’ I tell her. ‘But you’ll feel better about it anyway.’
‘I’ll do that,’ she says.
‘OK,’ I say. ‘I’m off.’
Janet says, ‘Thanks so much. I don’t know how I can thank you.’
Lily squeezes my arm. ‘Yes, thanks, Anna,’ she says. ‘You made me face up to some things,’ she says, starting to cry again.
‘It’ll be OK,’ I say. And for her, I think it will.
Ed and Janet leave, but Lily wants me to stay, so I sit with her curled on the couch and hug her while she cries.
‘I can’t see Henry,’ she keeps saying. ‘I look awful…’
‘That doesn’t matter, not if he loves you. And if he doesn’t, then you don’t want him.’
‘And what about you?’
‘What?’
‘What about you?’ Lily asks, blowing her nose loudly on a piece of tissue.
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Oh yes you do,’ says Lily, her reddened, still-lovely eyes narrowing shrewdly. ‘You broke up with Charles over that Mark Swan man, and he still has no idea you want to go out with him.’
‘That’s completely different,’ I say. ‘He’s got someone else, Henry doesn’t.’
‘Is he married?’
‘Not yet.’
‘Then you should still tell him.’
I shake my head. ‘Lil, you don’t know, honestly. I can’t just tell him “Please leave your girlfriend, I fancy you”.’
‘Why not?’ she demands. ‘You’ve all this great advice for other people, but you don’t listen to any of it yourself.’
‘You should see his girlfriend.’
‘I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Anna,’ says Lily patiently, ‘but since Janet made you over you’ve been looking different. Better. You know, men could fancy you,’ she says, encouragingly. I can’t even be cross; Lily isn’t going to change her whole personality in five minutes, and at least now she means well. ‘And like you said, if the man’s in love, pretty or not doesn’t really matter.’
‘Yeah, well. To a certain extent. I’ve still got a Gonzo nose.’
‘You call it Gonzo, I call it Roman and distinctive.’
‘I wish you had called it that,’ I say wryly.
‘I bet Mark Swan does too. I bet he was interested in you,’ Lily says, ignoring me. ‘On some level you know he was, or it wouldn’t hurt. Women always know.’
I look at her with new eyes.
‘I’m not as stupid as I look,’ Lily says.
‘You’re not stupid, you’re … you’re canny,’ I tell her. ‘But you know, he had a long time to say something to me. And he never did.’
‘All that time he thought you were going out with Charles,’ Lily points out.
That’s true.
‘Don’t you think it’s at least possible that you didn’t say anything because you thought you weren’t pretty enough, and he didn’t say anything because he thought he wasn’t rich enough?’
‘I—’
‘Just call him,’ Lily says, shoving the phone at me. ‘You know you have to do it, anyway.’
‘Why do I have to do it? I don’t have to do anything.’
‘You do,’ she says. ‘Otherwise you’ll spend the rest of your life wondering.’
There’s a knock on the door.
‘Henry,’ says Lily, bolting to her feet.
‘I have to go,’ I say.
‘Stay,’ she pleads.
‘You’ll be just fine. Hi, Henry,’ I say, opening the door before she can respond. He’s got a wild look in his eyes, and glances from me to Lily. ‘I was just leaving,’ I reassure him. ‘See you guys later.’
‘Anna,’ Lily says. ‘Thanks.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘And call him,’ she adds.
I don’t say anything. I just walk out of the door and close it on Henry striding over to Lily and folding her into his arms as she starts to cry again.
She’s right. Of course she’s right. I mean, what do I have to lose? Nothing important. Hope. Self-esteem. Face. The ability to hold my head up in public.
But still. I will always, always wonder.
I walk down the street. I have no idea where I’m going. Our flat is out, and I don’t want to go back to Janet’s if I can help it. Not tonight, she’ll want to have a heart to heart with Ed long into the night. And I’ve no desire to play gooseberry.
I could go to Charles’s place. I know he’d let me stay. But I don’t want to reopen the wound.
I head down Tottenham Court Road, past Borders, walking towards Leicester Square, and I find myself turning right, heading into Soho.
My heart’s thumping, but I keep going.
I’m going to Swan Lake productions. If I’m going to do this it’s got to be right. A phone call won’t do. Whether he says yes or no, I have to see him. Even if Michelle’s there. In fact, especially if Michelle’s there. I don’t want to go behind her back, I’m going to tell her straight out that I’m in love with her fiancé and I have to tell him and I’m going to let him make the choice.
I almost want to smile. If this goes wrong, and let’s face it, it’s going to, it will be the single most awful, embarrassing moment of my life. It’ll be worse than that bloody school dance.
But somehow it doesn’t matter. I feel so much lighter, so much freer. This will finish it, one way or the other.
* * *
I enter Swan Lake. The security guard is snoring behind his desk, so that’s one fewer thing to worry about. I slip quietly into the lift, ride up to Mark’s floor, palms sweating, feeling sick. Calm down, I tell myself. Maybe the security guard was a good omen and Michelle isn’t even here! Maybe I won’t have to do any confronting at all.
The lift doors hiss open.
‘What the fuck do you want?’ snaps Michelle. ‘You’re not on the list. Did that moron downstairs let you up again? I’m going to get him fired.’
She’s wearing a simple white T-shirt and jeans, and even with my carefully chosen, smart little outfit (shirt dress, jean jacket, kitten heels, chunky amber necklace) and my killer haircut and pro make-up she knocks me for six.
‘I snuck up,’ I say. My voice sounds tinny and small, as if it’s coming from far away. Something to do with being terrified. ‘I want to see Mark.’
‘Not without an appointment,’ Michelle says stiffly.
‘I want to see him because I’m in love with him and I want to tell him that,’ I blurt out.
She laughs, a fierce, hostile laugh. ‘I knew it,’ she says. ‘Knew you were just like all the others. And you with a fiancé!’
I show her my
bare left hand. ‘I broke up with him.’
‘Over Mark? He’s never given you the slightest reason,’ she says bitchily. ‘I would know. He tells me everything.’
‘I’m being honest with you. I need to tell him. I know you’re going out with him. But I want him to break up with you and be with me,’ I say.
She tosses her head. ‘You can’t, he’s not here. Now go away.’
I stay put. ‘I can hear him inside the office. He’s on the phone. And I’m going to tell him. I still have his cell phone number and his address. And his email address. You can’t stop me.’
‘Do you realize how stupid you sound?’ she demands. ‘Just leave! Don’t make me call security. I won’t tell him how you embarrassed yourself, it happens to lots of women around Mark.’
I look at her, long and hard. Something in her voice. It’s … it’s panicky. She keeps glancing at Mark’s inner office.
And then it hits me, in an overwhelming burst of sheer joy.
‘And you’re one of them! Aren’t you?’
She doesn’t look at me.
‘You’re one of them, Michelle. He’s not going out with you, he never was. I should have known.’
‘What the hell do you know about it?’ Michelle asks, her young face crumpling. Her eyes fill with tears. ‘He could have gone out with me! He would have, eventually. If it hadn’t been for you,’ she hisses.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Why can’t you just go away?’ she asks, and then she starts crying. ‘You don’t know what it’s like, sitting here day after day. Booking lunch places for all the little girlfriends, and then he meets you, and you don’t even want him, you’re with somebody else.’
I fish out a Kleenex from my bag.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say.
‘You had to take two men,’ she says, sobbing. ‘You couldn’t leave any for anybody else, even people that love them and would never get engaged to somebody else and…’
I walk awkwardly towards her and rub her on the back. Is that how she sees me, some sort of femme fatale?
‘I honestly love him,’ I tell her. ‘He probably won’t care any more, but I have to tell him, I’m sorry.’
‘I know,’ she mutters.
The door opens and Swan is standing there. He looks at me with my arm round Michelle.
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