by Amber Jacobs
“So tigers are just another routine job for you, I suppose.”
“Well, yeah.” Ashley considered. “It’s my first time here, of course, and a white tiger’s pretty unusual.”
“You weren’t even supposed to come out here, were you?” Leandra asked, recalling what Ashley had said about delaying her return to the States for the chance to shoot the rare cat.
“No, but I’m glad I did. Maybe that’s part of the reason why Grady’s upset. We’ve been away from home quite a while now on this shoot. When I heard the rumors about the white tiger, Grady didn’t really want to come here, but I charmed him into it, and now all I’m doing is spending time with you.”
“You have a boss back home?”
“Yeah.”
“Will you get in trouble when you return empty-handed?”
“Who’s empty-handed?” Ashley gestured toward the elephants. “Thanks to you, I’ve got some of the best stuff I’ve ever taken. A few people might bitch for a while, but no one can complain about the quality of my work.” She paused for a moment. “Besides, I have a very good reputation. My boss won’t yell at me too much, or I might take my talent elsewhere.”
Leandra absorbed that, pleased that her friend wasn’t going to get into any trouble on her account. “You must have been doing this stuff for a while then, right?”
“Since I was a girl. I started out as an assistant photographer when I was nineteen and progressed from there.”
“And you like the work?”
“I love it,” Ashley said with enthusiasm. “I get paid well, I get to see the world, and I’m doing something to help bring attention to the problems of endangered species everywhere. My work helps generate interest and support for environmental protection groups. Plus,” she added with a grin, “on occasion, I get to meet some very interesting people. Like you.”
“Sometimes,” Leandra whispered, almost to herself, “I wonder what might have happened if I’d found a good job that made me happy like that. Sometimes I look back on everything I did, on all the mistakes I made, and I try to picture where I’d be now if things had worked out differently.”
She regretted saying the words when Ashley’s expression turned cautious; Leandra hadn’t spoken much about her life before she came here, only alluding to her time as a poacher. The fact that Ashley hadn’t pushed her for details despite her obvious curiosity was something Leandra appreciated; the memories were painful to recall.
“We all make mistakes,” Ashley offered hesitantly. “Even the best of us aren’t perfect. It’s part of being human.”
“Maybe.” Tears sparkled in the corners of Leandra’s eyes, but she wiped them away before they had a chance to fall. “Still, that doesn’t make it any easier.”
“You know what I think? I think sometimes the hardest part about making a mistake is being able to accept it, and then move on.” Ashley paused. “If you let something drag you down and let it fester inside you without confronting it, you never really learn from what you’ve done wrong. Do you understand what I mean?”
“I do.” Leandra pinned Ashley with an intense gaze; she felt exposed, vulnerable…but forced herself to continue. “Have you ever made a mistake,” she asked in a low, husky whisper, “that was so bad, so unforgivable, that you wished you could just curl up into a ball and die, rather than face the pain of dealing with the consequences?”
Ashley was silent for a long moment, then she shook her head. She shifted a little closer, eyes brimming with sympathy and understanding “No,” she whispered, “I can’t say that I have. But whatever happened, Leandra, it’s in the past. You shouldn’t let it hurt you anymore.”
“Maybe.” Leandra looked away, but Ashley gently lifted her chin up, forcing the blue eyes to meet her own.
“No matter what you did wrong, no matter how bad it was, it doesn’t change who you are today.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Leandra protested. “You have no idea what I was like before I came here. I was a heartless monster. I hurt anyone who was stupid enough to get close to me. I slaughtered hundreds of animals just because I liked the sense of power it gave me.” She covered her face and turned away. “If you had met me back then, you wouldn’t have wasted the time to spit in my direction.”
Ashley remained silent a long while, then Leandra felt the cautious touch of her hand on her shoulder. “I don’t care what you were like before you came here, Leandra,” her voice whispered. “That’s not who you are now. If it were, do you think I’d be here with you now? That I’d want to be your friend?”
Leandra was still for a moment. Slowly, she turned and looked up. “I guess not.”
“Exactly.” Ashley closed the distance between them and pushed the dark cords of hair out of Leandra’s face. “Whatever you were in the past, when I look at you now, I see a good person, Leandra. A person I’ve grown to like very much, in only a few short days.”
“Still…”
“Still, nothing. I’m sure you’ve done things you regret, things that you wish you could take back. But you can’t let them keep you from trying to make a better life for yourself. If you made a mistake, no matter how bad it was, you should learn from it, and then put it behind you.”
Leandra smiled faintly, accepting the comfort for a moment before pulling away. “Some mistakes need to be punished before they can be forgiven,” she said softly. Drawing her knees up under her chin, she turned away and fixed her gaze deliberately on the bathing elephants. Although she could feel Ashley still studying her, obviously curious, Leandra was grateful she seemed to understand the conversation was over.
Ashley was subdued and thoughtful when she returned to an empty camp that evening. A quick look around confirmed that the others were still working, probably down at the hide or searching the jungle, and Ashley couldn’t help but feel a little grateful for their absence. She wanted some time to herself to do some serious thinking.
Leandra had remained pensive through the rest of the day, and the two had parted company much earlier than usual. Though Ashley wanted to ask more about Leandra’s past, she restrained her desires, knowing the questions would do more harm than good. She had accepted her companion’s somber mood and let the silence continue to build. Eventually, she had taken her leave.
Not wanting to sit still, Ashley decided to make herself useful by gathering firewood. As she wandered the perimeter of the camp, collecting a bundle of dry, fallen limbs, she continued to reflect on her friend’s melancholy spirit. While she was concerned for Leandra, Ashley couldn’t help but let her thoughts focus on her own reactions to the revealing conversation of that morning. For some inexplicable reason, she had found herself growing even more attracted to Leandra after hearing more about her troubled past. Somehow, the whole thing had served to make her all the more intriguing. Ashley now had to deal with the fact that she had developed an entirely frustrating and illogical—but nonetheless incredibly powerful—crush on the strange woman.
“Way to go, Ashley,” she mocked herself as she absently picked up more sticks. “Come out here on a simple assignment, and you go and get the hots for some freaky tiger-woman with enough emotional and psychological baggage to sink a battle cruiser. Argh!” She rubbed her forehead. “Why can’t you just have a normal life? You know, like your sister. Find some guy, settle down, and start making a few babies. But no, you have to be adventurous. You have to go to In-dee-a,” she sang sarcastically.
“Leandra is not my type, even if she is drop-dead gorgeous.” She stopped and closed her eyes. “I am not attracted to disturbed people, even if they do have that whole sexy angst thing going on.” She shook her head determinedly. “And I am not interested in getting naked and sweaty with some jungle-woman…even though I bet she could get me screaming like a steam engine.” Ashley’s vivid imagination decided to kick in with a few decidedly naughty scenarios, and she slapped
herself on the forehead, trying to dislodge them.
For all the impracticality of her thoughts, Ashley couldn’t help but be a little amused at herself. It had been a long time since she’d felt this way about someone, and it was kind of nice to finally have such a strong focus for her lustful thoughts. Leandra’s distracted melancholy had allowed Ashley a chance to let her eyes roam with less fear of being caught (although, she admitted, half the fun of looking was knowing it was a little risky), and she’d spent most of her day sneaking peeks and trying not to giggle like a schoolgirl. Remembering that now, she grinned fully, her eyes alight with devilish fires. “God, I’d forgotten what it feels like to have a serious crush,” she thought aloud. “I just hope she doesn’t catch on. I don’t want to scare her off, now that she’s opening up.”
To be honest, Ashley didn’t really think Leandra would be offended by another woman being attracted to her. From what she’d learned of the woman’s personality, Leandra didn’t place any importance on trivial preferences like sexuality. Her life out here had apparently taught her to think in much more basic terms: good or bad, safe or dangerous, like or hate. Less consequential things didn’t seem to bother her. Still, Ashley didn’t want to disturb their current relationship.
Besides, I wouldn’t even know how to tell her I like her. I mean, that I really like her. I can’t just come right out and say it. I’ve never had the guts to say it to a man before, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to say it to a woman.
Ashley paused, going over her mental ramblings. “What am I doing? I can’t believe I’m actually trying to justify this thing, let alone wondering how to tell her I’ve got the hots for her. That’s enough!” Arms laden with a stack of wood, she made her way back to camp. “From now on, I’ll just stick to the fantasy and leave it at that. She can be my bad-girl dream-lover, but that’s it.” Dumping the wood by the fire, Ashley sat down and started checking over her equipment, effectively occupying her mind with the routine chore.
Sometime later, the sound of approaching footsteps made her look up, and she met Grady’s somewhat cautious expression with a neutral face. He was alone. He settled himself on the log opposite her.
“Hey.”
Ashley regarded him coolly. “If you’re planning on another shouting match, save your breath,” she said quietly, turning her attention back to her work. “Nothing you say will make me stop spending time with Leandra, or convince me she’s of any danger to me.”
Grady ran his fingers through his neatly cropped hair. “I know,” he said in a soft voice. “And I’m sorry I lost my cool this morning. I didn’t mean to grab you like that.”
“You’re just lucky Leandra was there,” Ashley said with a slight smile. “If she hadn’t jumped in like that, you’d be nursing a swollen crotch.”
Grady grinned crookedly. “Yeah, well, as it was she scared the shit out of me.”
“She was protecting me.”
“Mmm.” Grady was silent for long moments. “You know, until I saw her with my own eyes, I thought you were exaggerating. But she’s just as you described her, right down to the growling and snarling.”
“She’s nice once you get to know her.” Ashley stopped her careful work and set her equipment aside. “I don’t understand what you have against her.”
“She’s an unnecessary distraction…and a killer,” Grady said. “Nothing you can say in her defense can change that fact. And having met her, I’m sorry, Ash, but I like her even less.”
Ashley’s expression hardened. “She’s still my friend, and I do like her. So just accept it.”
“I know,” Grady said, holding his hands up in a peaceful gesture. “You’ve made it quite clear you’re going to go your own way on this, regardless of how I feel.” He sighed. “I may not like it, but I’m not going to argue with you anymore. All I ask is that you be careful.”
Ashley’s expression softened. “I will. Besides, we’re only here for another week or so, and then we’ll be on a plane heading back home.”
“Without the pictures we came here for,” Grady pointed out, ignoring her glare. “Remember the white tiger? The thing you managed to convince me was worth spending extra time in this sauna of a country for?”
“I also told you that tigers are one of the hardest creatures in the world to photograph in the wild,” Ashley reminded him. “If I get even a single shot of a normal Bengal, I’ll consider myself lucky.”
“You had the chance the other day, but you were off with your stripy friend instead of manning the hide with Simon and Grace.”
Ashley shrugged. “Finding Leandra out here is something much more remarkable than finding a tiger, and I intend to make the most of what time I have with her.” She decided to change the subject. “How have you been getting on? Has the scenery been everything Tarun promised?”
Grady began filling her in on his latest works, which included several panoramic shots of the sweeping jungle canopy, taken from higher ground. Happy to put their argument behind her for now, Ashley listened attentively and enjoyed not being mad at Grady anymore.
Leandra couldn’t sleep.
All through the night, she’d tossed and turned on her thin sleeping pallet, wishing for some kind of fatigue to steal her away. Restless thoughts haunted her, and she managed only a few hours of light, restless slumber, not nearly enough to satisfy her.
The conversation with Ashley still sounded in her mind, and Leandra wished she could see things as the younger woman did. She wished she could put the past behind her and move on, but it wasn’t that simple. She had accepted her mistakes and embraced the guilt that came with that acceptance, but she still owed a debt for the crimes she had committed.
Looking around the dark interior of the cave that formed her current home, Leandra scowled. Four years. Before Ashley had come along, she’d sometimes wondered how long her exile had lasted. Those four years seemed like half a lifetime, but during that time she had never given much thought to the world she’d left behind. Now, things were changing.
Ashley.
The young woman had shattered the perfect isolation of Leandra’s existence, bringing the sounds of laughter and conversation into what had been a silent world. Each day, Leandra yearned more and more for the simple human contact Ashley gave, apparently without a thought. Leandra felt herself wishing she could move on and continue her life.
Four years! she screamed silently. I’ve been out here for four years! I gave up everything. My money, the comforts of my life, even my humanity. Isn’t that enough? Leandra folded her legs under her and sat staring into nothing, the words raging inside her.
“I want to go home,” she admitted in a low whisper. She sighed longingly. “If only there were a home to go back to.”
The truth was she wanted to go home with Ashley. She wanted to be part of the life described to her by the young woman: the nice home, the loving family, the caring friends. Leandra didn’t want to give up her connection to Ashley. She wanted to remain close to her. During the day, she could feel her attraction intensify until her heart ached with the strength of it. The sensation was strange to Leandra, an odd mix of unfamiliar emotional wants and very familiar physical desires. Lying awake all night, she wondered how she could show Ashley just how much she meant to her.
The answer came easily to mind, but Leandra wrestled against it. She was uncertain about revealing what she considered to be a sacred trust to a woman she’d known scarcely a week. The arguments flew back and forth inside her head.
How do you know you can trust her with something like this?
She wouldn’t betray me. If I show her, she’ll understand how important it is that it remains a secret.
But why take the risk? You can’t be sure.
It would mean a lot to her. It would show her how much I trust and care for her.
This isn’t about caring. You’re not thinking with y
our head, that’s the problem.
What?
Come on! Four years of celibacy, after a lifetime of debauchery, and now some cute little blonde wanders by and catches your eye. Face it, you’ve got an itch you want her to scratch.
Leandra blushed. It’s not like that.
Isn’t it?
No. I like her. She’s not like any of the others. I care about her.
So you’re willing to betray your most sacred trust? Why?
Leandra’s lips quirked. “It would make her happy,” she whispered. “I’d do anything to make her smile, and this means a lot to her.”
It puts her in danger.
“I’ll keep her safe.”
Even if you show her, it doesn’t mean she’ll ever see you as anything more than just a friend.
Leandra got to her feet, stretching as she made her way to the mouth of the cave. Her gaze went toward the distant camp she couldn’t see. “I don’t care,” she said softly. “I want to show her, and I’m going to.”
Leaving behind her doubts and fears, Leandra hurried down the mountain, her passage as silent as the night itself. Without bothering to question her decision, she headed off to get Ashley, already excited by the prospect of sharing her secret.
Chapter 3
And what shoulder, and what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?