by Stacy Gail
“No one loves with the devotion that you do, Mom. In that department, you’re in a class by yourself.” Blinking the moisture from her eyes, Sunny rose from her seat, but instead of picking up the thrown food, she rounded the table to wrap her arms around her mother. “You’re my hero. You’ll always be my hero. I hope you know that.”
“Silly girl.” A touched little laugh escaped Claire even as she returned the hug. “You’re just trying to butter me up so you can wriggle out of going to Mimi and Delano Vance’s holiday fundraiser, aren’t you?”
At that, Sunny groaned. She’d completely forgotten about that. “Mom—”
“Someone must represent the Fairfax family, darling,” she insisted while Sunny retrieved the food on the floor to toss it in a nearby waste basket. “When we did our Christmas fundraiser last year, your father and I knew it would be the last one we’d ever do. We let everyone know we were retiring from the game but would still be around. But all the while we knew the truth—that Archie wouldn’t be able to live any sort of public life ever again. His memory lapses were already getting to the point where it was almost impossible to cover for him.”
Sunny’s heart cracked down the middle. “I still say you should have told me. Called me home.”
“I wanted to, but you know your father’s pride. There’s so much of himself that he regards as weak, including his illness, so he insisted on hiding it. He never wanted you to know, much less see him like this.”
“But it was selfish, Mom. It robbed me of a closing window of time with him when he was still Dad, my Daddy.” Then she bit her lips together while her eyes filled. Damn it, she hadn’t wanted to let that bitter truth out. It was just supposed to be another hidden truth she kept locked inside herself that no one would ever see. “I’m sorry. I just… I really wish I had known what was going on, that’s all.”
“I know it wasn’t fair to you, darling, and I know life is going to continue to not be fair to you, or me, in the coming months.” Claire’s voice held the tiniest tremor, the only indication of the turmoil going on behind her game face. “The fact is, your father never wanted anyone to know about his illness, so that’s why I don’t think I have the strength to go to the fundraiser without him by my side. I’d fall to pieces, and then the whole world would know how desolate the situation is. But you can go. You need to go. The Fairfax family has been involved in Chicago politics since the turn of last century, and now that you’re back in Chicago this family has at least one more year left in it. Please, Sunny.”
“I…” Damn it. “When is it again?”
“The weekend before Christmas.”
“All right,” Sunny sighed, giving in to the inevitable. Honestly, her mother could talk fish out of their need for water. “Be warned, though. I’m going to do my best to talk Ice into going with me. With the combination of his famous face, our very public history and my family name, I suspect we’ll wind up in the papers.”
“You mean again?” Claire relaxed enough to smile, then made a pleased sound when Archie helped himself to the plate of cheese and crackers. “I’m already adjusting to the thought of the two of you together. I must admit, however grudgingly, that Atticus Eisen impressed me quite a bit last night.”
“Did he? How so?”
“He manned up,” came the surprising reply. “He could have taken the easy road and avoided me until the sun fell from the sky. Instead, he made a point of creating a ridiculous excuse to bring him into the house so he could meet with me face-to-face.”
“You won’t believe this, but Ice thought he was being clever with that excuse of giving me his address. He thought it was a smooth move.”
“Did he?” Claire snorted. “How adorable.”
“Sometimes he really is.”
“He’s also smart. I admire how he let me say my piece without being a defensive ass. That alone was remarkable, but then he calmly stated the case that he’s dedicated to making you happy in the present, while making no excuses for the past.” She lifted a shoulder. “Like I said, impressive.”
“Yes,” Sunny said softly. “I guess he was.”
“I do find it odd, though, that he isn’t making excuses for his past actions.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean he should be making excuses, don’t you think? Or at the very least, offering up an explanation of why he thought firing you was a good idea. But he was dead silent on the matter—no excuses, no explanation. Has he told you why he did it?”
Sunny shook her head. “I’ve asked, but he shuts me down every time and tells me to focus on the present and let the past go, or whatever.” She hesitated, not sure how to put her suspicions into words. “It unsettled me when Ice said he’d burn down his own world without hesitation if there were something in it that threatened me.”
“That got my attention as well, which is why I’m bringing this up. At first I just took that comment as hyperbole, but considering what happened to Skull and Bones Ink, I’m not so sure about that.” Claire’s eyes locked on Sunny’s. “Did you ever tell Ice your father is gay?”
Dear God, the very thought. “No.”
“You’re sure?”
“Mom, remember who I am. I’m the daughter of the former mayor of Chicago and the number-one political fundraiser in Illinois. From the cradle, you and Dad taught me the difference between what subjects may be spoken aloud in public, and what must be kept hidden behind closed doors. Dad’s homosexuality put the entire family in the closet, and we’re all still there. I’ve spent a lifetime editing every word I say, even in private and amongst friends. Believe me when I say I’ve never told a soul.”
“Oh, Sunny.” For a moment, Claire looked stricken. “My darling girl.”
She blinked, confused. “What? What’s wrong?”
“Your childhood wasn’t that stifling, was it?”
“I have no regrets,” she smiled without offering an answer. It was a trick her mother would no doubt pick up on since she was a past master at it, but there was nothing she could do about it. Living every minute of every day with the stress of accidentally exposing family secrets was the only life Sunny knew. “We’re the Fairfaxes. Who and what we truly are will always remain behind closed doors.”
“Sunny.” Claire closed her eyes for a moment before she turned once more to look at her husband with a sudden, undeniable fury. “What do you think of that, Archie? What do you think of our daughter saying she’s lived her entire life in a closet, locked away behind closed doors and censoring every word she says? Are you proud to hear that this is the only way she knows how to live? You love her just as much as I do, so what the devil do you have to say to that, Archie? What do you have to say for yourself?”
“Stop yelling, Mike.” The confusion in Archie’s voice was heartbreaking. “People might hear. We can’t have that, not ever.”
“Mom.” Sunny hurried back to her mother’s side. “Mom, please don’t be upset. It’s all right.”
“It isn’t all right. To hear your own child calmly admit she’s never felt secure enough to be open with anyone—not even her best friend or the man she’s loved since forever… that is not all right. We did that to you, Sunny. We’re still doing that to you. And for what? What is the point of all this ridiculous secrecy now, when your father is…?” Claire’s breath shuddered, and to Sunny’s alarm, two tears rolled down her still-smooth cheeks. As far as she could remember, she’d never once seen her mother cry. “I’m sorry, darling. That just caught me in a raw place I didn’t even know I had.”
“Mom, I swear, it’s all right.”
“At the risk of repeating myself, it’s not.” Wiping away the tears, her mother took in a calming breath and tried to smile. “No wonder you ran all the way to California and tried to live a life that was easy and free. It was a life that was the exact opposite of the one you were forced to live here, wasn’t it?”
“No one forced me to do anything.” Crouching low so she could look Claire in the eyes,
Sunny took both her hands and held on tight. “I love you. I love Dad. I love our family. I will always protect what I love. That’s all there is to it.”
“Oh, my sweet girl, I love you for that. But I also hate the message underneath it all—the message I inadvertently taught you.”
“What message is that?”
“That love holds people hostage, rather than giving them the freedom to be who they are.” Then she shook her head and kissed both Sunny’s hands before she began stacking the dishes on a large serving tray. “I don’t want you to live in the closet with your father and me, Sunny. More than anything I would love to tell you to live life as freely and truthfully as you know how. But I can’t do that because of one existential problem. Damien Eisen.”
Sunny rose to her full height, all the while noting that just the name was enough to make the room temperature drop. “Ice’s father?”
“The owner of Inquiring Minds. Secrets aren’t just secrets when it comes to that man. He’s the worst sort of human being, if you can even call him that. He trades in secrets and weaponizes them when it suits him. There’s no way to defeat a creature like that.”
“Except to keep everything locked up tight so no one can get in.” Sunny nodded and tried to smile. “I know. Believe me, I know.”
“Life would be so much simpler without secrets.” With another sigh, Claire rose as well to wrap Sunny up in a hug. “That’s the one thing I wish for you, Sunny bunny. Be proud of who you are. Be proud of how you choose to live. And never, ever apologize when it comes to the people you choose to love, even Ice.”
“I don’t love Ice.” She was almost sure of it.
“Whether you do or not isn’t the point. Don’t allow anyone—even me—to tell you who you can and cannot love. Just look at your father. He allowed secrets to make him a prisoner in his own life, and that’s how he’ll die. Life’s too short for that kind of misery, so no matter what you do, don’t be like your foolish parents. Don’t live in a self-imposed prison made up of secrets. Live without limiting yourself and be open about whatever truths you find along the way. Take it from me, it’s the only way to be free.”
“I can’t say I’m surprised by this.” Looking mournful, Franklin glanced at his wife June, whose usually smiling mouth was almost comically upside-down. “But by golly, I sure am sorry to see you leave Itty Bitty Kitty Committee, Sunny. Our sales have literally doubled since you’ve been onboard, and I know that’s directly related to all the work you’ve done for this company over the past year.”
“I’ve left you a step-by-step outline for the holiday season sales campaign.” Seated across Frank’s messy desk, Sunny tried not to crumble under a wave of guilt. She’d stayed up until one in the morning composing her resignation letter, trying to find the right words to express how grateful she was to the Lennigs for taking her on when she’d been emotionally numb and helplessly adrift, career-wise. But since there were no words for all that without turning her letter into a novel, she’d simply kept it short and sweet, and hoped they would understand. “Also, I’ll be here for two more weeks to make sure everyone is up to speed. I promise I won’t leave you in the lurch during the busiest time of year.”
“Of course, of course.” Sniffling into a hankie, June looked at her with sad eyes. “Is it money? Heaven knows you’re worth your weight in gold, so if you’d like a raise—”
“No, it’s not that, June, though I’m grateful for the kind words.”
“It’s not kind, it’s the truth.” She nudged her husband. “You know what this reminds me of? That feral old tomcat we thought we’d tamed enough to bring into the house. Remember what he did that very first night?”
“Poor thing tore a hole right through the screen on a window and disappeared into the night. Worse yet, we never did see that beautiful boy again.”
“I’ve always wondered what happened to him.” June dabbed at her eyes, and Sunny was fairly sure it was because of the lost feral tom and not because she was leaving. “Looking back, I see where we made our mistake in trying to tame him and force him into a different kind of life.”
“There are just some souls on this earth who can never be tamed,” Franklin agreed, nodding with what could only be described as philosophical acceptance. “That big old tom was one of them. Sunny is another. We have to accept that, and respect their wandering, wild hearts.”
“Uh, thank you for that.” Reminding herself that it wasn’t a slam to be compared to some feral old tomcat—at least from their perspectives—Sunny tried to get back on track. “You should know that I took the liberty of emailing you the release schedule for this month’s sale announcements via IBKC’s newsletter. That way, you won’t lose track of what’s going on. I did want to discuss the release schedule with all of you at our last meeting,” she added with a rueful smile. “But then the Cat Café happened, and no work got done. I wanted you all to know that the Cool Cat Kickers with Ice’s exclusive artwork will be headlining the sale ads.”
“I guess we could have been a little more dedicated to the job at hand.” With a heavy sigh, June gave her a piteous look. “And I can see how that might have been frustrating for you. It’s just that we’re not the best when it comes to focusing, Sunny. That’s one of the reasons why we hired you. You focused for us.”
“Now you can focus on finding someone who’s better suited for Itty Bitty Kitty Committee,” Sunny said, struggling to not feel awful for letting such nice people down. “If it helps any, I’ve written a ‘Help Wanted’ ad, complete with job requirements. As soon as we’re done with this meeting, I’ll send you that ad copy so you can look it over and word it however you want. I’ve also made a list of places online where this ad should be posted.”
“She’s so efficient she’s even made up an ad to find her replacement,” Franklin said to June, who dabbed at her eyes again. Then he shook his head. “I know you’ve already torn open a proverbial hole in the window screen to escape through, but…I don’t suppose there’s any chance we could change your mind?”
The question hit an unexpected chord inside her even as the image of Ice flashed through her mind. “About this career shift, no. I’m afraid I’ve already set my course, Franklin. But thank you for making me feel so wanted, and for…well, everything.”
“We’re the ones who are thankful, for the hard work you’ve done for this company, and for the friendship you’ve offered.” Franklin’s voice had a rasp to it, and he cleared his throat and shuffled some papers around while June reached out of gently pat his back. “Do you have any plans on what you’re going to do now?”
“I’m going to see if I can find my place in the world,” Sunny said, and laughed at their expressions. “The two of you know where you belong, because you carved out a place that fits you to a T. That’s a beautiful thing. But as for me…well, let’s just say I’m still working on getting to that point.” Heaven knew that was true enough. For a year she’d been like a guest in her own life, just as she’d told Hannah. She’d refused to settle, refused to commit, because no matter where she went, she knew all the way to her soul that she wasn’t supposed to be there.
That was changing.
IBKC had never felt right, but House Of Payne did. Everything about that extraordinary place fit her like a glove, and it didn’t even matter that Ice worked there.
In fact, that was now part of the appeal.
Maybe she was a wild and untamed feral at heart, she thought, leaving Franklin and June’s office for her cubicle. But there was nothing wrong with that. So what if she didn’t have the ability to handle a regular nine-to-five cubicle job? That was okay. And it was okay for her to want to be in the same place as the man who’d proven he had the ability to make her life both a heaven and a hell, depending on his mood.
Good or bad, right or wrong, she was making this move because it made her happy. Considering how her past year had gone, she’d grab for all the happiness she could get.
She just hoped this good run of
luck held, and that the storm clouds that had darkened her horizons for so long were gone at last.
Chapter Fifteen
Gray clouds descended on the manmade canyons of downtown Chicago, and Sunny huddled deeper into her coat. “Man, I hope I don’t regret having you park at the Wrigley Building. We might be walking the Mag Mile in a blizzard. I smell snow.”
“You smell snow?” Beside her, Ice took a deep lungful of air while a city bus chugged by. “Holy shit, you can totally smell snow. That’s a phrase I never thought I’d say.”
She looped her arm through his as they walked along the sidewalk running the entire length of that famous playground for shopaholics, the Magnificent Mile. “You’ve been around snow before. Remember all those ski trips you used to go on?”
“Yeah, but this is different.”
“How is it different?”
“It’s different because I now live in a place where it fucking snows.”
A flutter of anxiety gripped her stomach. “Do you miss California?”
“Nah.” When she remained silent—mainly because she wasn’t sure what to make of his response—he glanced down at her. Whatever he saw in her face made him reach out a gloved hand to press hers where it rested in the crook of his arm. “I was born and raised in SoCal, so it’s pretty much all I know, but do I miss it? Hell, no. I’m right where I want to be, Sunny day. Don’t doubt it for a second.”
That was nice, but it didn’t alleviate the anxiety. “I just never pictured you living anywhere that had four seasons and zero waves to catch.”
“Four seasons are the total shit, and if I’m ever jonesing to catch some waves I know how to get our asses on a plane to find some.”
“Our?”
“I’m done living life’s big moments without you,” came the matter-of-fact reply, and he didn’t seem to notice that his announcement had her eyes all but popping out of her head. “Whatever adventures I go on, you’re with me. And I’m with you,” he added, pulling her closer under his arm without breaking stride. At first it was awkward, but then she found that if she matched his steps it was the best place in the world to be. “You want to hike Machu Pichu? I’m there, no doubt cussing the whole way up because I’ll probably be carrying all your shit, plus my own. Wanna learn how to toss pizza in Italy? I’m signing up for that too, mainly because I like pizza and you’re awesome in the kitchen. Everything from here on in, we do together.”