by Jude Ouvrard
Life in San Diego fulfilled all of my requirements. I played the piano as much as I could, I visited Teo at work almost whenever I wanted to and I had a girl’s night out every week with Beverly. Life was good and I had started to believe that everything I desired was here. The beaches, the city life, I loved it.
Chapter EIGHT
***
When falling like a leaf from a tree, I’m light, I fly.
Until I hit the ground, I become heavy and lifeless.
***
“I got a call today. They want me in London for a month.”
Teo laughed. “Well, I hope they can find someone else,” he said, avoiding my eyes.
“They want me to fill in for a concert. The pianist has been hospitalized and they need to find someone fast. They want me.”
He took his plate and emptied the contents in the trash. “You said you weren’t going to leave again, that you needed stability and me. You said you wanted to spend time with me.”
I felt a stab in my heart. This wasn’t going to go well. “It’s only for a month, Teo.”
“No. No. No. It isn’t just a month, Ophelia. A month is a shit load of time that I want to spend with you. In the last four years, you’ve spent sixteen months home. Sixteen.” The panic was rising in his voice. I knew he wasn’t going to let me go easily.
“Teo.”
“Don’t fucking Teo me,” he shot at me. “I thought you wanted to be here with me. Me, Ophelia, the guy who moved across the country to be with you. The guy who left everything to be with you. For ten fucking years, I’ve waited for the day you would say you’re done travelling around the world and you finally said it a month ago.” His emotions were all over the place. The sadness in his eyes broke my heart but the muscles in his jaw kept telling how furious he was.
“It’s all I know, Teo. It’s all I’ve ever done in my life.” Tears ran down my cheeks. I wanted to hug him, hold him in my arms but I knew it wasn’t the right time. “Come with me.”
He laughed but it wasn’t a funny Ha! Ha! kind of laugh. It sounded more like a ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ laugh. “Are you serious? You know I have a job here. I can’t leave everything for a month when I just spent ten days with you in Australia.”
“I’m so sorry, Teo.”
“You told them you would go, didn’t you? You said you would go before you even mentioned it to me? How is that supposed to make me feel, Ophelia? Do you care about me? About us? Don’t answer that.” He paused and walking toward our bedroom. “When you say you love me, do you mean it? I love you so much, babe, so freaking much, but you are tearing me in two and I’m fucking bleeding.”
“Teo...” I cried.
“You’re all I have left, but I realize now that I never really had you.”
“I love you, I love you.” I repeated, sobbing. I felt his pain, his loss but also the need to leave to do what I loved to do. I was torn between both of my loves.
“Don’t say it. If you are able to leave me again, this isn’t love. You need me, maybe, but you don’t love me. I did everything I could for you. I did more than my part. I waited a decade for you, I was patient but I can’t anymore because it will never be enough. You’re never going to stay with me.” He paused. “I’m done, Ophelia. Done.”
Our eyes locked for the first time since the beginning of our argument. I more than needed him, I really loved him, loved everything about him.
“When we talked about having kids, getting married, were you even serious about it? Or did you just say that to make me happy?”
“I want it all with you, Teo. You know me. You know it scares me to death to have kids, but I would do it with you because you are my rock.”
“I was your rock.” He entered our room.
My whole world shattered. My life without him didn't mean anything, but I had given them my word that I would be in London tomorrow morning. I wanted to throw punches at the wall, I wanted to scream, but none of it would ease the anguish I felt inside.
Teo walked out of the room with his duffle-bag full of clothes. He had made the decision to leave, and he wasn’t kidding. We. Were. Done.
“Teodore.” I never call him by his full name. He looked up to me and I felt terribly small. So tiny he could walk over me. “Every single time I said I loved you, I meant it.”
“Well, it didn't mean enough.”
With those words, I watched him leave. He never looked back, never said goodbye. The pain pulsed into my body and my heart was about to escape its cage. Panic invaded me. I was back ten years ago in my hospital bed, unable to breathe or to think, only trying to survive. I had lost a part of my soul and it was slowly killing me.
Was I making the right decision? I thought not, but saying no to a great opportunity never seemed like a possibility. I had never refused before.
Beverly and Clara were out for a couple of days and it killed me not being able to say goodbye. Everything was weighing against me and my decision, which only had me doubt myself even more. I cried every tear my body contained, but it didn't change anything. Teo was still not home and he hadn't called either.
I ended up packing my clothes with a broken heart and a confused mind. The day had started well, with many cuddles and I love yous, but I ruined it all.
I left our apartment not knowing where Teo would go, feeling like the sky was about to fall down on my head. It was the first time that I was going away without Teo or Beverly accompanying me to the airport. I hated the feeling of loneliness and it only pushed me to cry even more.
Was a contract really worth losing the man who had stood by me for so many years? I couldn't bring myself to answer the question.
Sitting in the taxi, I could see the airport getting closer and my hands beginning to tremble. Shit! I thought to myself, this wasn't right.
The taxi driver parked by the entrance and got out to give me my luggage. I was still hesitating between going or not, but I paid him and finally walked in the airport.
The knots in my stomach were making me feel nauseous, and I doubt that I was going to make it to the restroom. Running with my luggage rolling behind me was far from easy. I stumbled a few times but made it to the toilet fast enough to empty my stomach there instead of on the airport floor. Some ladies offered me help, but there wasn't much they could have done. I had to control myself and calm down. When I was finally done heaving over the toilet, I looked inside my purse to get a hold of my gum. What I found had my heart skipping a beat. The pregnancy test I had bought with Teo after having our first official baby conversation because my period was two days late. That was two days ago. How could I have possibly forgotten about it? I opened the box and sat on the toilet. This could change everything. My trembling fingers almost made it impossible to pee on the damn stick, but I managed to soak it just enough.
The moment of truth approached too slowly for my taste. I could barely breathe with all the tension building in my shoulders. My fingers held the pregnancy test, but my eyes were too scared to look. I wanted to look – I was dying to know – but the truth had me scared shitless. Teo said he was done with me, but what would he decide if I was pregnant?
I wanted to scream so freaking loud, but being in an airport made it impossible.
“Positive, I’m going home and negative, I’m going to London.” I murmured before looking at the test.
The blood drained from my face, my heartbeat throbbed in my ears. “Oh my God!” My bottom lip quivered. “Oh my God! Teo.” I cried saying the words. “I ruined everything.”
I put the test back into the box and in my purse before hurrying out of the restroom. I had to get back home and find my man.
“Taxi, taxi.” I called as soon as I was outside hoping one of them would be willing to take in an emotional wreck. I managed to give the man my address in between sobs. “Please hurry, sir.”
He looked at me as if I wasn’t the first one asking him for that favor today. I just wanted to find Teo, soon. Today had been a terrible
day.
I closed my eyes for the most part of the ride home to try and calm down.
“We’re here, Miss. I hope your day gets better.” He smiled to me, and I saw pity in his eyes. He removed my luggage from the trunk and brought them to my front door.
“Thank you, sir.” He returned to his car while I unlocked the door and pushed the luggage in. “Teo? Are you here?” I waited for an answer but I heard nothing.
Teo’s job was nearby, and the small bar where he liked to hang out, too. I crossed my fingers and prayed I would find him there. Both places were within walking distance, so I hurried out. By this time, the tears were gone. My whole body ran on a rush of adrenaline.
I walked faster and faster, almost to the point of running. First, I reached the bar. It seemed to be a quiet night.
“Excuse me, Trevor, have you seen Teo tonight?”
“No, sorry. I haven’t seen him in a few days.”
Right! He’d spent the last couple of weeks glued to me, and I loved it. These moments had to happen again, I couldn’t imagine my life without his touches or his kisses. The fact that I had chosen London over him made me a monster. I was an idiot, no doubt about that.
The restaurant where he worked was across the street from where I was. He was sitting on the bench by the door, his elbows on his knees. Teo looked lost in sad thought and I was the reason for his pain.
“Teo!” I called after him for the first time. I saw a small reaction, but he didn’t move his head to look around. “Teodore!” I said, louder. “Here, baby/” I said again when our eyes met. He didn’t smile. He looked surprised. He stood up and his deep brown eyes remained on me. I looked to the left before crossing the street, and I started running to him, holding the test in my hand. I hadn’t really figured out how to announce the news. Teo wanted kids, many of them. I was pretty certain that he would be happy, but I wasn’t sure if he still wanted me.
I saw terror into his eyes. “Ophelia, watch out!” he yelled
Tires screeching and wall hit me.
Darkness and pain followed.
Chapter NINE
***
I. Can’t. Lose. Her
***
Teo.
I heard her scream, I saw her helpless body hitting the windshield hard and it cracked to pieces. I heard her scream again, I saw her body falling lifeless, inches in front of the car. I heard nothing but my heartbeat crashing on my eardrums.
I didn't know if I was screaming, crying, or sobbing, all I knew was that the pearl of my life was in the middle of the street and she didn't even look alive.
I jumped off the terrace and ran as fast as I could to reach her, to hold her in my arms, to pull her out of the street.
Every part of my body was shaking. Amore mio! I kept repeating, hoping I would find life when I reached her. She was too young, too promising to die and mine, she couldn't die.
“Ophelia,” I whispered as I reached out and touched her. “Ophelia.” My finger pressed against the side of her neck searching for a hint of a pulse, and it was there. I found a feeble heartbeat, but to me it was the most powerful thing I had to hold onto her because she was all I had and all I wanted. The engagement I had planned, the wedding we had talked about and the kids we had agreed to have. All of this meant something. She had to go through that list of hers and remember all the good things we needed to get back to. She needed to come back to me.
“Sir, I suggest you don't move her. Let the paramedics take care of this,” a lady suggested.
“There are no fucking paramedics and she needs me. She always needs me.” My voice was weak. I couldn't remember the last time I felt that weak. All power gone.
“Stay there with her but, do not move her.” I could tell by the tone in her voice that she wanted me to understand the gravity of the situation.
I had left her for two hours. For those two hours, I had turned my back on her, left her alone, by herself and then, this happened. The words I told her disgusted me. Telling her I was done with her was a terrible lie. One that could cost her life. I hated myself. I had wanted to hurt her. No longer. Now I wanted to take it back. I would take her any way I could get her, as long as I had her alive. My Chopin.
People were staring at us. I had no idea where the driver of the car was. I didn’t fucking care. I was a sobbing mess and her body was still unresponsive. A man tried to pull me away from her, but I fought with all the strength I had. My place was by her side. I wasn’t done with her, I needed her like I needed oxygen. Ophelia was everything to me. She fixed everything that was wrong in my life. She filled every void my family had left empty.
“Sir, I suggest you to step out of the way now.” A man said.
“I can’t leave her alone. She’s bleeding.” She had a cut on her scalp, which left her reddish hair damp with blood. I kissed her forehead one last time, hoping to see her eyes open, but they didn’t.
“The paramedics are here,” the same man added.
As I stepped out of their way, I grabbed her purse. The paramedics took her vitals. They could have been talking in Chinese and it wouldn’t have made a difference. They exchanged a few words here and there while they placed her on a stretcher.
I thought I saw her eyes open for an instant, but I was wrong. Her whole body started trembling. Never in my existence had I seen something that horrific. Well, yes, I had during the small period of time I hung out at my dad’s club before the girls and I moved here. I closed my eyes, trying to think of something else. Right now wasn’t the time to remember Dad. Ophelia was in shock, her whole body responding to the injuries.
“What’s wrong with her?” I asked them.
“We need to get her to the hospital now,” the paramedic said, not meeting my eyes, but keeping his on Ophelia. Fuck! I hated seeing her like this.
They didn’t asked me to go, I didn’t give them a choice. I sat in the back of the ambulance and held her hand, praying that she would be okay. I begged whoever was up there to let her be okay, she didn’t need any more drama in her life. I had done everything I could to keep her safe since the day we first spoke. Up until today, I had never given up on her.
I tried to keep my mind on positive thoughts, I couldn’t let anything negative surround her. Her hand was shaking and her whole body had spasms every few seconds. That scared the shit out of me.
We got to the hospital and everything blurred around me. It all went fast. They took her away, nurses and doctors taking over.
What am I supposed to do now? I wanted to punch a hole into the wall. My mind couldn’t see clearly, my heart was hurting. I was a lost man.
I sat in the waiting room and it felt like a nightmare. I had seen scenes like this in movies where the person in my shoes would call the family, and the parents would run to the hospital, but we only had each other. Beverly was out of town. Her phone sent me directly to the voicemail. I asked her to call me as soon as possible. I didn’t want to leave too many details, afraid that it would scare her.
Sitting for more than ten minutes was impossible. My legs trembled from all the adrenaline in my body. The images of Ophelia getting hit by the car were on repeat in my mind, and it was driving me fucking crazy. Her scream, the sound of the windshield breaking. Everything made me want to pull off my own head.
I went through the pictures on my phone of us in Australia. The promises we had made to each other, her smile, her. It represented everything I wanted. We had agreed on a life together, the one thing I wanted more than anything else. She had officially stopped taking the pill, although we were still being careful to give her body a break. We had started looking for rings. Why did I have to ruin everything and leave her? I was a pathetic idiot. Who would give up on a diamond? I fucking did and look where it got us.
She could be dead, or fighting to stay alive, I had no idea.
I paced in the waiting room, from right to left and left to right.
A woman in scrubs hustled by and I hurried to her, grabbing her arm. “Excu
se me, nurse, could I have any updates on my girlfriend?”
“Her name?”
“Ophelia Stewart. She was hit by a car.”
“The doctors are still with her. We’ll let you know as soon as we have an update on her status.”
I nodded instead of screaming. My body ran on anger and adrenaline. I wanted to crash through those doors that separated us and find her.
It had been two hours now, way too long of a wait. I rose from the chair as soon as I saw the doctor came out. “Ms. Ophelia Stewart.”
“I’m her family, her boyfriend. How is she?”
“She’s better. She is suffering from a moderate concussion, a broken wrist, a broken rib and...” He paused. And what? “We’re doing everything we can to save the baby, sir.”
“A baby, we are expecting? How far along is she?” I had all those questions hitting me, but I failed to ask more as the tears blurred my vision and my body surged back into panic mode.
A baby? A baby? A baby? I couldn't believe the words that came out of the doctor’s mouth.
“She’s with the best obstetrician we have in the hospital at the moment. She is trying to save the baby, but Ms. Steward lost a lot of blood. We’re still running some tests.”
“Save my baby. You have to save our baby.” It was all we had. The beginning of us, let it not be the end of us. Losing the baby was all on me, all my fault, and I didn't think I was going to be able to face her if the little one didn't make it. Tears of sadness and pain slid off to the side of my cheeks. The doctor squeezed my shoulder and went back to Ophelia. My life had turned into a total disaster.
Once I was left alone in the waiting room, all the questions I should have asked surged into my mind, but it was too late to get answers.
The man in me was completely broken, savagely torn to pieces. My heart hurt, my brain was flipping pictures of her at hundreds miles an hour, and my arms and fingers trembled like a leaf in the wind. I had to sit because my legs were so weak I couldn't stand.