by Alan Black
All of the Teumessians looked even more shocked.
“How could I mate with him? He is insane.”
Larry was beginning to think that he and the Teumessians had different definitions of insane. “I didn’t mean that you would mate with him. Only that he would want to mate with you because of your beauty. That’s how it is with a betty on Earth.”
Scooter waved his hands no. “I could not mate with Betty. She is insane. None can mate with the insane, but she is beautiful. Her Teumess name is Lost Among the Sun’s Rays.”
Veronica laughed. “All intelligent creatures recognize beauty. Insanity is no guarantee of unintelligence. What of the name you have given me? Veronica.” Her vocal chords mangled the word but she did try.
Larry shrugged. “Veronica is a betty, but with darker fur.” He rubbed his head to emphasis the hair color. “Veronica is a friend to Betty, but no less pretty. Both are desired by males, but they usually only mate with one male.”
Veronica laughed, “That would be a fine thing if I weren’t as crazy as Betty. I am called Gone With the Wind.”
When he stopped laughing, Larry said, “Two people alone, crazy or not, sounds like a good reason to become friends.”
The two females looked at each other as if considering a new concept.
Scooter said, “All individual names have meaning on your world as do ours, yes?”
“No. My name is Larry. That is not short for anything. It’s just Larry. Originally it comes from the name Laurence, who was a man that gave help to the poor and needy about 1700 Earth years ago.” He studied the piles of burned rubble hoping they wouldn’t have to restart the fire suppression system with whatever toxic smelling goop they used. He poked at a few piles whether they needed poking or not.
Scooter said, “This is correct then, yes? We are needy and you are going to help us.”
Larry was tempted to say that was just serendipity, but he decided to just go with it being a coincidence. “Just luck. My parents gave me the name when I was newly born. It was well before they knew what kind of human I would become.”
Scooter accepted that. “Sane Teumessians do not have names as they are known for who they are among their family. The family has a name that is known only to the family.”
“Humans have family names, but we share them at will,” Larry said.
Betty asked, “And these other names you have given our crew: Jughead, Ginger, and Bob.” She struggled with her Teumess vocal cords to get the names sounded out. “These names have meaning?”
Larry laughed a little self-consciously. “Well, Jughead isn’t very complimentary. It sort of means a goofball. He’s a loyal and honest person, but he isn’t smart. Sorry, I don’t mean to offend your friend. I can call—”
“Friend?” Scooter interrupted. “Jughead is not a friend. How can he be? He is insane. Besides, this name fits better than his insane name.”
Larry sighed and continued, “Ginger is like a betty, but more reddish in color. And unlike Veronica or Betty, Ginger will mate with anyone.”
Both females laughed.
He thought it best to let that line of conversation go, so he said, “The name Bob? Well, I guess that is a guy who floats up and down in the water.”
Betty said, “Water? Why would anyone float in the water? Even on your planet, there are things in the water that will eat you. Humans aren’t the top carnivore on Earth.”
“No, we are at the top of the food chain only because we are smarter than the other creatures, but yes, there are a lot, and I mean a lot, of things on Earth that would eat a human if we let them.”
Scooter looked curiously at Larry. “How do you stop them? We know there are many creatures that are stronger and faster. This is true, yes?”
“Yes, but we can fence them off, wall them out, or cage them up. We can band together and keep them away. But, sometimes, like getting into the water, you just get in and take your chances. And speaking of water, before I go get into the water and shower off this soot and grime, how about you give me a broom and a trash bag and I’ll help you get this cleaned up.”
Betty shook her head. “We need to leave this as it is. The ship’s caretakers will want to investigate how this fire started and spread. They will clean this up.”
Larry said, “Then, tell them to fix that lever. It’s in the wrong place for Teumessians to reach and it was too hard to move.” He leaned a shoulder against the bulkhead and pointed the end of the pry bar at the lever for emphasis.
Veronica said, “How can we tell them? They would not believe us even if they would talk to us. We are—”
Larry and Veronica finished together “—insane.”
“I think I’m getting the picture here,” Larry said.
“Do not underestimate the caretakers, they aren’t insane,” Betty said. “Perhaps they will send a message to the ship’s builders and ask how to fix this.”
“We’re going to have to do without a kitchen?” Larry asked.
Veronica said, “This has been our sleeping quarters, kitchen, and dining space. As our guest and our savior, it’s only right that we’ve given you the largest cabin. We six have shared this space.”
Betty said, “We can take turns sleeping on the bridge, and there is still plenty of corridor space.”
Larry shook his head, “Hey, there’s plenty of space in my cabin. I don’t mind sharing. But, this can’t be all the cabins on the ship? Does engineering take up the rest of the space?” He doubted it. He was a farmer, but he had a reasonably good sense of spatial analysis. There was a lot more space on this ship than could be accounted for by engineering on the first floor and the bridge, his room and the burned out kitchen on the second floor. Besides, he didn’t imagine any logically thinking species would build a spaceship without storage bays, warehouse space, maybe a shuttle hangar, or even a large walk-in closet.
“Please do not be offended, human,” Scooter looked thoughtful, but not shocked at Larry’s suggestion of sharing a room with him.
Scooter added, “We are grateful for your help, but that was easily done for your own sense of self-preservation. It was done to protect the ship, yes? That is just as all creatures will run from a prairie fire. To stop and eat would mean your own death. But now the emergency has passed, you will eat us when you get hungry, yes? Fortunately, Ginger just fed you right before the fire broke out.”
Larry laughed, “That nut log is still sitting in my room on the pallet. I haven’t eaten it yet. And all this activity has made me as hungry as a 1968 Corvette running on empty.” He could see the Teumessians edge closer to the door. “But I wouldn’t eat you. Crap! At this point, I’ll take a short walk into outer space before I’d do that. I know that you don’t believe me, but trust me on this. I’ve seen the Teumessians run; I couldn’t catch you even if I tried.”
The Teumessians looked skeptical.
“Okay,” Larry said. “The offer is out there. Share my room or not.” He would have gone back to his room, but the Teumessians were between him and the hatch. He didn’t want to startle them by making sudden moves in their direction. “Besides, you didn’t tell me if you had other rooms, or cabins, or bays on the spaceship.”
Scooter nodded his head. “We do indeed. There are many such places for storage and cargo on this ship, however the Tetra has declared we should not use them on this voyage for fear we will cause damage and — and — what is the word? — depreciation.”
Since Larry had never owned a new car, or a used one until the last one quit running and couldn’t be fixed, he didn’t really get the whole depreciation thing, but it was silly to worry about it on a used spacecraft. Still, the Teumessians would either have to sleep in the corridors, on the bridge, in a forbidden area, or with him.
Betty said, “You have touched me and I didn’t die. Even after the fire was out you have had opportunity to kill and eat us, yet you have resisted. I would share your room, if you can spare a small corner for me.”
Lar
ry gave assent with his best hands to the face style. “You may have any corner that I’m not already sleeping in.”
Veronica said, “I will share a space as well, but only so long as my new friend Betty sleeps between us. That way if you get hungry you will eat her first and I can escape.”
Betty looked thoughtful, “Agreed. As your new friend I will give my life that you may live and remember me.”
Larry said, “Betty, I do think that you’re beginning to understand the friend thing.”
Betty had a pleased look on her face. Larry couldn’t tell what it was about her face that looked pleased, it sure didn’t look like any human facial expression, but somehow the emotion came through.
Humans often discounted how much they relied on non-spoken communication. Between humans, more is said than is ever spoken. Humans have also become used to canine expressions of pleasure over the past few thousand years. Larry could read Ol’ Bucky like a children’s book. The Teumess weren’t canine, but Betty’s facial expression connected somewhere in Larry’s synapses. It was more of a connection than he’d ever made with his cows, no matter how telepathic Scooter said they were.
Betty walked to a blank wall and depressed a section. There weren’t any buttons, dimples, or marks to show where to push. It looked as if she chose a spot at random. The wall flopped open, a portion hinged down parallel to the floor and it became a table. She pulled out a perfectly rolled and tied sleeping pallet and a few items that she stuffed into a bag. She gathered the items up and gave the little table a perfect imitation of a hockey player’s hip check. The little table shot back up into the wall and closed the storage space.
Veronica shrugged and opened another portion of the wall. A wadded bundle was her sleeping pallet. She depressed another section and a chair flopped open. She sat and began to roll up her pallet and pull personal items from the cubbyhole.
Scooter looked at Larry. “My whole family was killed by the—” The translator could only interpret the word as a huge pack of small to medium sized carnivores with sharp teeth and claws for killing more than they could eat.
Larry told the translator to interpret the Teumess word as stobor. As a fan of Heinlein’s early fiction, he was sure there would never be a planet settled by humans that didn’t have half-crazed killing creatures called stobor.
“I alone was left alive. It was a wasted death because they killed my family, not for nourishment, but for the enjoyment of killing. Why the stobor did not kill me is unknown. If they were intelligent and not just all teeth and claws I would have assumed it was to torture me and drive me insane.”
He popped open a section of wall and began pulling out his own stuff. “It now seems that I have friends instead of family. I could not stand the torture of losing more Teumessians that I care for.” He looked at Larry. “Promise me this, eater of flesh. If you desire meat and cannot control the desire, kill and eat me first, that I may nourish your body and that I may not see my friends die. You will do this, yes?”
Oh God, aliens...Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys—it's aliens. (Lister in Red Dwarf, Series II)
CHAPTER EIGHT
LARRY replied, “No. Wait! Yes. I mean, okay, if I can’t control myself, I’ll eat you first. But, I promise I can control my carnivore urges, or rather my omnivore urges.”
Scooter waved his hands no. “We have been receiving your media transmissions for a long time now. They disagree with you. These transmissions are very clear. Humans give in to any emotion no matter how slight or seemingly insignificant.”
Larry said, “Yeah, but that’s just television.” He grabbed both female’s sleeping pallets and carried them out of the burned out kitchen heading down the hall to his room, the cabin, their cabin, the communal living space. The three Teumessians followed, carrying other belongings; Scooter pulling the translator along by its leash.
“Television,” Larry said over his shoulder, “isn’t designed to simulate reality. Even that stuff they call reality TV isn’t real. It’s all designed to entertain.”
“Humans are entertained by visions of murder, robbery, mayhem, disease, and war?” Scooter asked.
“Well, um — yeah, I guess so. But by watching it, even if it’s fake, you know, not real, it helps us control some of those urges. We can live vicariously through those television images where the actors do things that we couldn’t or wouldn’t do ourselves.”
“This understanding may give us insight into the Almas,” Veronica said.
Betty nodded, “There may be more similarities between these humans and the Almas than we earlier thought. The Almas seem to have their baser urges mollified by the entertainment quotient.”
“Huh?” Larry asked, not confused about what Betty had said, but more from the idea that another species might be broadcasting television signals that humans hadn’t ever heard and humans have been listening for those signals for years. “The Almas have television like humans?”
“They certainly have some method of entertainment transmission, but nothing we have ever picked up on our probe’s receivers.” Scooter replied. “Still Veronica and Betty are correct. Vicarious viewing may be a controlling factor in why the Almas are doing what they are doing.”
They reached their room before Larry could ask more about the Almas. The three Teumessians began opening storage cubbyholes, unfastening furniture, dropping it to the floor and generally cluttering up the space. Larry really felt like an idiot for not at least asking where he could put his stuff away. He just assumed that because there were no chairs visible there were no chairs.
“Well, you can see where I have my sleeping pallet, so you can find space as far away from me as you need. Do you want to get some rope or something and tie me up at night?” Larry asked.
“It does not matter, friend Larry,” Scooter replied. “I gave you permission to nourish your body with mine. I have done this because I can see no other alternative to stop my insanity and I am tired of being insane. Please avail yourself of my flesh at your earliest convenience.”
Betty nodded. “I am tired of being insane, as well. Do not eat me just yet. I want to know more about this friends phenomenon. How strong is this bond?” Her hopeful look didn’t need a translator as it could easily be recognized, even by another species.
Larry flopped down on his pallet using his backpack as a backrest. Unlacing his boots and pulling them off, he decided to ignore Scooter’s plea to be consumed. Ignoring strange requests was easy for Larry considering his family’s practice of making outlandish, eccentric, peculiar, and often perplexing special requests. “I don’t know about Teumessians. But for humans, some friendship bonds are stronger than family bonds. It’s often said that we’re born into our families, but we choose our friends.”
Larry suddenly wondered about the phrase “it is often said”. He never said that phrase before now. His dad never said it. Who actually said it and — if it was often — how many times constituted often?
“Choice is very important to humans,” Larry said.
Veronica said, “I would hear more about friends, but first I must ask. Why have you not put your pallet away during non-sleep time? We wanted to ask earlier, but your teeth worry us. Are you always tired? Is there a problem with our gravity that we do not recognize?”
Larry was embarrassed, but he confessed. “I didn’t know there were places to put things away. I still can’t see how you’re opening those wall panels.”
Betty said, “Just push where indicated and the wall units open by themselves.”
“Where what is indicated?”
“Where the opener is!” Betty answered. “There.” she pointed at a spot just above his head. Since he was still sitting on his pallet, the spot couldn’t have been more than three or four feet up from the floor.
“Nope. I don’t get it,” Larry said. He tried the raising one eyebrow ala Spock gesture, so he wouldn’t look too much like an idiot. “You’re pointing
at a spot on the wall.”
“Yes,” said Betty. “Now you understand.” Her nose gave a little wrinkle, not so much in amusement at Larry’s facial contortions or his lack of understanding at such simple instructions, but almost the exact nose wrinkle that Ol’ Bucky used when Larry pulled his work boots off after a hard day on the farm.
“Are you sure I understand?” Larry asked.
Veronica replied, “Yes. It is just the spot on the wall, just like you said.” Her nose wrinkle was obviously due to Larry’s confusion more than the odor of his feet.
“But how do you know where the spot is?” Larry asked. “It’s just a blank wall.”
Betty gave a little yip he was coming to recognize as laughter. “Of course it is a blank wall until you press it and then it becomes something else.”
Larry said, “No.” The no was one of those long drawn out words where an author would use five or six oooooos to get their point across, despite what their editor said about grammar. “I get that part, but I don’t know where you’re saying to press. You say to push where indicated. I don’t see any indications.” He remained sitting, but craned his neck around to view the wall, eyeballing it from a few inches away.
Betty hesitated slightly, then scurried across the room to stand next to him. She pointed at the wall.
Larry shrugged. He couldn’t see anything other than the blank wall and Betty’s finger pointing at a blank spot no different than any other blank spot.
Betty pushed the wall and a table dropped down, smacking Larry on the top of his head.
Betty, Scooter, and Veronica all yipped with laugher.
“Okay,” Larry said. “I apparently agreed to share my cabin with three comedians.” It was just exactly like the college fraternity he’d started to pledge. He quit after he realized that most of them had a fourth grade sense of humor. It had all been boogers and farts. Even the mature few among the bunch were only interested in beer and boobs. Not that Larry had a problem with boobs, beer, or boogers, but college is about growth and he’d decided the fraternity was a step backward for him.