“You made that appointment to have your eyes checked?”
“Yeah. Going on Wednesday,” I admit.
I never expected to end up wearing glasses, not until I was middle-aged, and I don’t feel I’m close to that. Isn’t that like when you’re fifty? But it’s probably down to the work that I do, always concentrating. Two things my job needs are a good eye and a steady hand. He pats my shoulder as I walk off toward the stairs.
After a couple of hours lying down in a darkened room, my head feels a lot easier. The rumbling of my stomach reminds me I’ve not eaten since the tacos I had with Mace at lunchtime. As I open my door, I find Steph leading a procession to the room next to mine. The one that used to belong to Skull, God damn his black soul.
“Okay, this is you.”
Shayla catches my eye and mouths, How does she do that? I shrug. I have no idea. Max isn’t even leading her, he’s sticking close to Esme’s side. I reckon Steph has counted the steps, and the number needed to reach any of the rooms and has them stored in her mind. Sure, being blind does hinder her in some things, but not as much as you’d think.
“Hi, Liz,” Steph greets me, and I’ve no idea how she knows I’m there. I manage to refrain from sniffing my armpits. She ignores me after that, opening the door to the empty room and gesturing inside. “Prospects were told to get this place ready, but I can’t tell if they have or haven’t.”
“You’re spidey sixth sense doesn’t tell you?”
“Liz,” Steph admonishes with a laugh.
“Looks like they have.” Shayla gives a smile as she glances inside. “This will be great, Esme. Where’s the… oh, there’s a bathroom as well. It’s a palace, isn’t it?” She forces a smile as the girl beside her nods vigorously. I’m so full of admiration for this bitch, it’s unreal. But maybe caring for Esme helps her bury her own trauma to some extent.
“I’ll leave you to get settled. Come, Max.”
I watch, shaking my head, as Steph unerringly walks back to the stairs, holding my breath until her hand’s on the bannister. Then I turn back to Shayla, catching her before she follows Esme into the room. “You coming back down?”
Shayla shakes her head. “To be honest Lizard, I’m exhausted. I think we’ll just stay up here.”
I translate what she’s saying. “Shayla,” I start forcefully. “Nothing is going to happen to you here. I know it’s too early for words to make you believe it, but you can trust us.”
She offers a weak smile but betrays herself by glancing down and noticing the lock on the door. Then she catches my eye. “I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again.”
There such desolation in her voice it’s like a punch to my gut. “How long?” I ask, gruffly. “How f… damn long, Shayla?”
She doesn’t pretend to misunderstand. “A year or thereabouts for me. Thankfully less for Esme.” Now it’s her changing the subject. “Everyone’s been so kind to Esme, the women, and also the men.” She gives another one of those half-smiles, making me wonder what it would take to put a full one on her face. “Esme’s made a fortune already, haven’t you, Es?” Esme nods seriously, then looks around her new home, trying out the bed by jumping on it. I turn to go, Shayla stops me. “I can’t thank you enough, Lizard.”
“No thanks required.” I don’t need her gratitude for something any of us would have done.
“Yes, they are. And Mace who started that dollar for each swear word business? Pure genius to get Esme on board.”
I was quite impressed with my brother myself. Though I expect I’ll become much poorer for it.
Before she can fully close the door, there’s a streak of fur down the corridor and I’m not fast enough to grab the door handle as a very large cat missing an ear runs past me, jumping onto the bed where Esme’s now sitting. The girl grins, holds out her arms and that darn cat snuggles right into them.
“Er,” says Shayla, seeming not sure what to do.
“That’s Bitch,” I tell her. And fuck me, but Esme glares at me and holds out her hand. “Nah, not swearing, sweetheart, well not really. That’s her name. She hates men, none of us can go near her, but tolerates women and kids okay. She’s wormed and has no fleas so she’s fine if you want her in here with you.”
Shayla eyes the cat. “I’m not really a cat person, and I don’t know much about Esme at all, except that she loves animals big and small. So, if she’s not allergic, I think having the cat here will be good for her, if that’s okay?”
“Okay, darlin’? Keeping her out of our way will be doing all us men a favour.” I chuckle as I, at last, make my escape, and go find something to eat.
Chapter Fourteen
Vanna
“Hi, Mace, it’s Vanna.” I kick off my shoes and walk into my kitchen.
Mace’s voice thunders through the phone. “Hi, Vanna. You made your decision yet?”
“I think so, yeah. How’s Lizard?” To be honest, I’m still undecided whether to return to the compound or not, but Cas wants to go, and it’s worth suppressing my own hurt to see him smile. He’s also behaving better this week, and I’ll take that, even if he’s just doing it to persuade me to return to Pueblo. I’ll have to accept I’ll have to watch my husband being unfaithful. Maybe it’s time I dropped that label, when he seems perfectly happy with his stable of girls instead. Younger, prettier…
I force myself to concentrate on what Mace is saying.
“Lizard’s the same as he always is. Had a couple more headaches but he swears he’s okay.”
Now I stop thinking about me, but about Liz instead. “Has he had more since seeing me?” Am I doing him harm?
Mace is quiet for a second. “Not that I’m aware of, but I’m not with him night and day.”
I make my decision. “Okay. We’d like to come down at the weekend if that’s alright with you and everyone else there. I just didn’t want to come if my presence caused Lizard pain.” I’ll just have to suppress my own pain for Cas.
“Of course, you’ll be welcome. How’s Cas dealing with everything?”
Turning, I lean my ass against the counter. “He’s been a different boy this week. We’ve actually been talking without one of us wanting to throw something. He’s been thinking about the weekend a lot. We’ve discussed what it would be like if Lizard never recognised or acknowledged him, and he’s decided he still wants to come back. I think the bikes are a big draw, but so’s getting to know his dad. He says it’s good to find out about the man who is his father, whether Lizard knows that or not. I think it’s a comfort, understanding he didn’t intentionally leave him. If Lizard is half the man that he was, Cas will find a man he can respect.” I didn’t mention the little matter of Cas seeing him go off with different girls.
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the past few days and have realised I need to let Lizard go. We’re only tied together in my head and on that piece of paper that makes it all legal.
“He’s certainly that,” Mace agrees. “But what about you? What are your expectations?”
“I’ve been thinking about that too, Mace. I can’t have any. Whoever Lizard once was, he’s not that man now. As you told me, the last thing he wants is a woman with a kid in tow. When we met, I was twenty, with a pre-pregnancy body. I’m now in my mid-thirties, and not the girl I once was. He won’t be magically attracted to me—”
Mace’s annoyed growl interrupts. “Don’t put yourself down.”
“Just saying it as it is, Mace. No, I can have no expectation of anything except closure. At the back of my mind, there was always the thought he might wake up one day and remember, but there’s not much chance of that now. Even if there was, me and Cas may not be right for him anymore, and I’d hate to force him into anything when it’s not what he’s after. All I want for him is to be happy and healthy. I think seeing him now is going to help me move past it. Maybe even move on and see if there’s someone out there for me.”
“You giving up on him, Vanna?”
&nb
sp; “Never, no. But Mace, the last thing I want to do is hurt him. He’s reached a good place and he seems happy. Yes, I want Cas to get to know him, but I don’t want to screw his life up.”
Mace is quiet for a moment, then says simply, “You want me to come get you?”
“No, I can drive as I told you. Maybe we’ll come down Saturday morning, instead of Friday night?”
“You don’t want to come for our party?” A chuckle reaches me down the line.
I snort. “I think Cas might get fed up with going to bed early. Saturday will be fine, we’ll be there mid-morning, if that’s okay? I’ve been chatting with Mel. She’s going to do some baking and I said I’d help.” I’d gotten on well with her. Hey, look at me. Making friends. I smile to myself. Sure, I know some of the parents of the kids Cas is friendly with, but the only real confidant I have is Lindy. I frown slightly, of course, I can’t be completely open with any of the women at the compound. None of them can know the real reason I’m there.
“That’s great, you getting on with Mel. How did you find Beth?” The way he asks, I take it he’s got a soft spot for Ink’s woman.
“Good. She’s great, even if I get a crick in my neck when I’m speaking to her.”
He barks a laugh. “I’ll expect you on Saturday then. Want me to take Cas to the shop for a few hours?”
“He’d love that Mace. Thank you.”
“No problem, sweetheart, I’ll teach him how to hotwire another car.” When I shriek, he chuckles and says quickly, “See you soon,” then ends the call.
I put down the phone, grinning and realising I’m looking forward to the weekend. It’s something to look forward to after the hell of a week I’ve had. Turns out my boss really wasn’t impressed with me taking leave on short notice, even if I’d had a good reason. I’m now on warning not to do that again.
Monday had been bad. I was called into the manager’s office as soon as I turned up for my shift. It was true, as he’d seen fit to remind me, I work hours to fit in with my son. Again, as he’d reminded me, my office skills weren’t exceptional, and I could easily be replaced. I suffered through the whole lecture, biting my tongue, reminding myself I needed this job to keep a roof over our heads.
Tuesday he’d tested me. Sending far too much work my way so I struggled to complete it in time. I hadn’t complained, he was just pointing out that work, which had piled up while I’d been off. It still had to be done. That any of the others could have done it was not the point. I’d suffered in silence and simply hoped things would settle down again.
Today had been slightly easier, but the lunchtime meeting with the social worker had been fraught when she’d asked if Cas had been in trouble again. I didn’t enjoy my capabilities as a mother being brought into question. I’d left her office, concerned that despite everything I’m doing, the decision may already have been made to remove my son from my care. It all hinged on whether they were going to give Cas a custodial sentence or probation. I hope for the latter and dread the first.
Surprising me, Cas had enquired about my day as soon as I’d gotten home. It hadn’t been concern for the outcome of the meeting I’d had, he didn’t know where I’d been. But unusually. he’d noticed the stress on my face.
“Mom. I think it’s a good idea if we go to Pueblo this weekend.”
I ruffled his hair, and he jerked away. “You liked it that much, huh?”
“Well, yeah,” he replied as if I was dumb, but then added, “You seemed relaxed there. I’d heard you laughing and genuinely smiling which you haven’t done for some time.”
That pulled me up. He was right. Knowing Cas had so many of Mace’s brothers watching out for him had enabled me to relax, and despite having to cope with seeing Lizard again, I had had fun.
“You worry too much,” he’d told me.
Well, of course I do. I’m a mom with sole responsibility for a son. A son who’s been a lot easier to live with this week. That must be down to getting to know Mace and the other men.
“What did he say?” Cas comes into the kitchen, making a beeline for the fridge. He opens it, frowns, then shuts the door and goes to an overhead cupboard instead. In a moment, he’s got a packet of cookies in his hand.
I swear he eats me out of house and home. There’s no point in reminding him dinner will be soon, whatever he stuffs down now, he’ll be hungry again then.
“It’s fine, Cas. We’ll drive down Saturday morning.”
“Cool. Hey Mom, can I go round Jordan’s tomorrow? I’ll go straight from school.”
My immediate reaction is to say no. Cas still hasn’t let on whether any of his friends were involved when he stole that car. I suspect they were. But just who, I’ve no idea.
“You can’t stay the night,” I tell him firmly, watching his expression as I do. His face starts to tighten as I go for broke. “I’ll pick you up at nine.”
His breath whooshes out. I tense, waiting for the explosion that I’m sure is about to come. “Mace told me men prospect for his club to earn the members’ trust,” he reminds me. “Takes about a year, sometimes more. Some men never make the grade.” His eyes find mine. “I’ve lost your trust mom. Look, I know I did a stupid thing. I want to have the freedom I had before. I want to go around a friend’s house without a curfew. But, I do understand why you’re worried about me. Words won’t cut it right now, will they? So, I won’t make you a promise you won’t trust I’ll keep. I won’t fight you on this, Mom.”
If I ever needed proof going to find Cas’s dad was the right thing to do for my son, I’ve got it now. Tears prick at my eyes. I’m not stupid and know this new version of Cas may not hang around forever. Angry hormonal Cas may reappear at any time, but that it’s had some impact is incredible, and I’ll make the most of it while it lasts.
“Aww, Mom.” Cas steps forward and gives me a hug, then asks, “How long until dinner? I’m starved.”
The next day, having an unexpected free evening, I go to visit Lindy. She barely lets me get in the door.
“Now I’m going to get the whole story,” she says, sparing a moment to pull me into her arms, then lets me go just as fast, standing back expectantly.
Rolling my eyes, I tell her, “I’ve told you what happened on the phone. Lizard doesn’t recognise me and is living it up as a single man.”
“Yeah, but I can’t see your face on the phone. What you didn’t tell me was how that made you feel?”
She’s made dinner for us, some kind of chicken stew which smells great. I follow her into the kitchen as she prepares some sides, and I hop onto a stool.
“It’s as hard as ever, Lindy,” I admit. “Half of me expected him to recognise and greet me in some way. I know we’d never just pick up where we left off, too much water has gone under that bridge, but hoped we could be friends for Cas’s sake. But there wasn’t a flicker of recognition at all. It’s alright. I’m happy enough that Cas has a chance to get to know his father.”
She points a wooden spoon at me. “You’re a bad liar, Vanna.” When I shrug, she continues, “You haven’t seen him for ten years. Has he changed? I mean, physically? It would help if he had a pot belly.”
I chuckle. “Unfortunately, no pot belly. In fact, I hate him for how good he looks. He’s matured well, like a fine wine. He’s always had muscles, they look even more defined now. More delicious tattoos. No signs of grey in his hair which has grown longer. He’s as attractive as ever.”
“Delicious tats, eh? You want to lick him all over?”
The trouble is, I do. “He wouldn’t look twice at me, Lindy.” I frown and try to explain. “There are club girls, girls who live at the club. They like sex and are not shy about taking what they want.”
“Whores?”
“They are, but they clearly enjoy what they do. They’re young, pretty. They’ve got great figures…”
“Probably from all the workouts they get.”
I grin. She could be right, there. “And all the protein in their diet.” As
I add that, Lindy gives a startled snort. I wait for her to stop laughing. “Thing is, with that on tap, why would he want a frump like me?”
“You are not a frump.” Turning, she places her hands on her hips. “You haven’t had your hair trimmed in ages. You could do with updating your wardrobe. You just don’t make the best of yourself.”
“I can’t afford new clothes and have you seen how much a haircut costs? Every time I think of going, something else pops up, like having to get a new tyre for my car.”
Dinner ready, she starts plating up. “I’ve got some clothes you could borrow. We’re about the same size. And as for your hair, I’ll treat you.”
“Lindy, I can’t ask you to do that!”
“You’re not asking, I’m telling. See, here’s the thing,” she passes a plate to me and hops up the other side of the counter, placing her own in front of her, “I want to do this for you. I’ve a friend who works in a salon in town, she does discount rates for me. I’m sure she’ll do the same rate for you if I ask her. You’ve lived for that boy of yours, Vanna. Now’s perhaps the time to start thinking of you.” For a short while she’s silent, and all I do is utter appreciative sounds. It’s always nice to have food cooked by someone else. When she’s halfway through, she pauses, and winks. “So, Lizard isn’t the man for you. Are there any other hot bikers?”
A laugh is startled from me. “Oh Lindy, if only you knew. Hot bikers? Well, duh, yeah.”
“Well, smarten yourself up and perhaps one of them will be for you.”
But I need to remain faithful to Lizard. Ignoring her, I finish my food, then help her rinse the plates and stack the dishwasher. It’s when I’m drying my hands, my eyes fall on my wedding band. Could I ever see myself taking that off?
My husband might as well be dead to me.
If he was, would I have mourned him all this time? Would I be able to put him behind me after ten years? Of course, I’d never forget the man that he was, but that’s all he’d be. A memory gradually fading over time. That he’s alive has meant I’d held onto a hope that one day he’d wake up and remember.
Devil's Spawn: Satan's Devils MC Colorado Chapter #6 Page 13