“What job?” Lizard asks fast. “She’s not going to be working in your strip club—”
“For fuck’s sake.” The words are startled out of my mouth. “She wouldn’t do that, and we wouldn’t ask her.”
“She’s going to be doing the admin and management shit at the tattoo parlour. Until you’re able to take it up again.” Demon takes back over.
“She didn’t tell me she lost her job. Why did she?” There’s a spark of the old Lizard there, with an unspoken promise of retribution should it be needed.
“Because her boss is an asshole and thought she was taking too much time off.”
Lizard’s shoulders drop. “Because of me?”
Demon doesn’t lie. “Partly. And partly because of Cas.”
“Why Cas?” Lizard puts in sharply. “What’s up with the boy?”
“It’s time you learned everything, Liz. So, I’m going to tell you. That kid of yours, well, he got into trouble with the law, which was why she came to find you. Thought the kid could use a man’s hand in changing the direction he was taking in life.”
“What did he do?” Lizard asks, his face reddening.
“Hotwired a car.”
“She’s off her fuckin’ head if she came to criminals for help.”
Demon growls but doesn’t bother refuting the label Lizard’s used for the second time. “She hoped you’d step up and help your son. It was serious, Liz. Kid was looking at juvie or even being taken away from his mom.”
Liz takes a second to digest the words, his face tightens. “Is he still?”
“No. We sorted it. That’s what family does, Lizard.”
“Kid gets one pass, Liz.” I tell him. “He gets into trouble again, we won’t lift a finger to help. He knows this.” He does. I’d made it clear to him.
“I’ll speak to him.”
My head starts to shake at the same moment Demon asks him, “Lizard, what experience do you have with teenagers?”
As Liz’s shoulders make an up and down motion, Demon adds, “We don’t either, apart from all once having been one. I do know, you need to concentrate on getting a relationship with him as he is now. It’s a thin line you’ll be walking and could easily alienate him. Lean on us, let us do the hard part. If you go it alone with Vanna in Denver, you’re likely to make some big mistakes, maybe even end up leaving Vanna no choice but to choose between you and him.”
Lizard at least seems to be listening to Prez’s words. “What are you suggesting, Demon?”
Prez’s face relaxes a little. “You need time to recover, heal as best you’re able to. You and Vanna, you and Cas, need to establish your relationships. Give us a month, that’s all I’m asking. Use the clubhouse as a place to convalesce. Get to know Vanna without her slipping back into routines with no place for you in them. Learn about Cas with what support you need from brothers around you. Let us help you recover.”
“I don’t want Cas involved in anything criminal.”
“For fuck’s sake brother, if you weren’t already hurting, I’d slap you around the fuckin’ head myself,” I tell him, sharply. “We are not involved in anything outside the law.” Well, not currently.
His mouth purses and he’s quiet for a moment. When he speaks, it sounds like he’s coming around to the idea. “I give you a month. What then?”
“No. We’re giving you a month, Brother. A month when you can relearn us, and we can see if you’re still the man we want riding with us. A month when you can reconnect with your wife, see if she’s still it for you, and if you’re her one. A month when you can learn how to cope with a teenager—although in that case, a lifetime probably wouldn’t be long enough.” Demon chuckles. “You’ll be able to learn his likes, dislikes, and whether you can live together. We’re giving you time, Brother. Use it wisely.”
“And if I want to leave after the month, you won’t stop me going to Denver?”
Demon stares at him intently. “You have my word, Brother.” After letting that sink in for a few seconds, he nods toward me. “Why don’t you go with Mace and see your room? It might trigger your memory.”
Lizard looks hopeful for a second, then sadness covers his face. Nothing so far has brought any memories back. Stepping forward without a word, I hold out my arm, and he braces against it, using me as a support to get to his feet. Beef passes him his crutches, and I let him go once he finds his balance. When he turns to thank me, I get a glimpse of the man I’ve known for so many years before his look becomes shuttered again. Nevertheless, he turns to Demon.
“I’m not saying my fears about the club and what you stand for are wrong. But for the life of me, I can see no benefit to you in letting me stay. So, I’ll take your offer at face value. I feel I should thank you.”
“No need for thanks, Lizard. We’re just having your six as you would have done for any of us were the positions reversed.”
“Come, Brother,” I hold the door open, not unsurprised to see Vanna hovering outside. “I’ll show you where you live.”
“Everything okay?” she asks, her brow furrowed.
Lizard regards her for a moment. “I’m staying here for a month, Vanna. Hopefully I’ll have more strength then.” He nods down at his crutches. “I need help, and it’s not fair on you to be my sole support. I’m persuaded of that.”
I don’t miss the look of relief that crosses her face. I jerk my chin indicating she should follow us up the stairs.
Liz tackles the staircase carefully. I offer my arm, he shakes his head. “Up to heaven,” he says rather strangely, as he moves his left leg, waits until he gets his balance, then pulls up the right. I allow him the time he needs to get to the top.
Demon’s given me the spare key, so I open Lizard’s door, standing back to let him inside. This is the first time Vanna’s had an insight into Lizard’s home where he’s lived since he was patched in. Interestingly she hangs by the door, as if waiting for an invitation. Lizard swings himself in with the aid of both crutches, then lowers one to the bed, and balancing on the other, looks around him. He hops to the closet and opens it, spying his clothes hanging up neatly, then opens drawers which, if he’s like me, hold underwear and socks. He eyes his motorcycle boots waiting for his feet by the bed.
“Do you recognise anything, Lizard?” Though it’s in vain, I’m hoping he’ll remember something.
He shakes his head. “Nothing. Looks like someone else lives here.” He picks up a photo on the bedside table, his head tilting as he sees himself, me, Ink, and Cad holding up a fish. Yeah, we had a day out and made a lucky catch. We all look relaxed, happy and smiling. Thunder had taken the photo as I recall.
He replaces the photo, face down, then he continues to explore and opens the drawer by the side of the bed. I wince on Vanna’s behalf as he brings out sealed and open cartons of condoms. He takes them out, hobbles to the waste bin and drops them all in, then turns to his wife and catches her eye.
“I won’t need these.” When Vanna gasps audibly, he continues, “Well, I won’t, will I?”
“If you don’t want to fuck,” she answers crudely, her voices staccato, “then no.”
His eyes widen. “I didn’t mean that. You’re…”
“I was on the pill years ago. I don’t take it now. Why should I, when I haven’t had a man in my life?”
“Er, I think I’ll back out of this conversation.”
Both partner’s eyes snap to mine, then lose interest in me. I turn to leave, asking Vanna if I can pass. Lizard’s voice stops me.
“Mace. Take that with you.”
Turning I see it’s Lizard’s cut which he’s viewing with disgust.
“Liz—” I start.
But Vanna gets there before me. “You were so proud to wear that Liz. Over the past couple of weekends, I didn’t see you without it. You earned the right to wear those patches. Leave it where it is. It might eventually remind you of who you were.”
“What if I remember them and in doing that, forget you again?�
�� Liz roars. “What if I wake up and have forgotten completely who I am and am nothing but a blank slate? I can’t trust my fuckin’ brain, can I? Why should a vest made of leather remind me who I am, when I lived with you for two years and didn’t fuckin’ remember?” His anger, his indifference to the club seem to disappear and he has tears rolling down his face. “I’ve fucked up your life, Vanna. Obviously I mean something to Mace, Demon and the others, and I’m fucking them up now. I fuck everything up. All because—”
“All because of the explosion that wasn’t your fault, Brother,” I snap. “You were doing your duty, serving your country. No, you didn’t fuckin’ deserve what you got. But you’re alive, others aren’t. Vanna’s strong, she dealt with you being gone. Give us some credit, too, Brother. You decide you want to ride with us again? Well, your fitness permitting, that’s what you can do. You take each day as it comes. You don’t have to decide right now what you’re going to do with the rest of your life.”
Vanna tells him fast, “You’ve got time, Liz. We’ve got time.”
“What if I forget everything?” he asks again, his eyes haunted.
“Then we’ll fuckin’ remind you,” I promise. “Day after day if you’ll listen to us. Our stories, Vanna’s too, will become your new memories. No pressure, no fuss.”
“We’ll get you through,” Vanna vows.
Now I do step around Vanna and leave them to it, closing the door so husband and wife can have some privacy.
Out in the hallway I pause and draw in a deep shuddering breath.
“Are you alright?”
Seems she always appears at the right time, when I don’t know until that point, she’s precisely what I was needing.
“No.” I indicate my room, and Shayla walks inside. It’s only when I’ve thrown myself on the chair and she’s perched on the bed that I resume, letting my remorse and sorrow flood out, speaking to her like I could to no other, even one of my brothers.
“Liz hadn’t recognised me at the hospital, so I knew what to expect. I thought I was prepared for it. But seeing him here and him not recognising a thing? Not even his cut, or any of us…” I pause, clearing my throat as my voice is breaking. “Shay, it’s a fuckin’ disaster. He’s angry, he’s upset. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for him to know he’s lived years which he loses in a flash, only knowing the truth of it because of a date on a fucking calendar. And Vanna? Christ.” I seem to be on a roll and can’t stop. “Now I realise the half of what she went through. If it’s bad for me, what was it like for her? And for that poor kid Cas? Now it’s happening all over again.” Vanna’s so strong, but she’s had to be.
“It’s a nightmare come true,” Shayla says softly. Rising, she crosses the room to me, and leaning over, pulls my head against her chest. I take comfort from her eagerly. My cheek, cushioned against her breast, can hear her heart beating.
I’m the enforcer. I’m meant to be strong. But at this moment, I’m done with fighting.
A stray tear rolls from my eye as I wonder whether there’s any way back from this for Lizard, or for any of us.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Lizard
I’m Lizard, otherwise known as Norton James. I’m… thirty-eight years old or so I’m told, and my birthday is the tenth of January. I’m married to Vanna and have a little boy—no, that’s wrong—a teenage son called Cas.
I wake alone in a bed I’m told is mine. It’s comfortable for sure, the pillow is just right, but it’s unfamiliar. The clothes hanging in the closet fit, as do the shoes and boots, but I can’t for the life of me remember purchasing or wearing them.
Vanna and I had a long discussion yesterday, triggered by my discovery of a drawer stuffed full of condoms in what I was told was my room. While she’d already told me about the club girls, I’d been devastated to find out my wife had actually witnessed me going off with them. That I’d flaunted my infidelity in her face. What kind of man had I been? Clearly, Demon wants me to become that man again, but even if I could, do I want to?
I’d had my own thoughts which I hadn’t shared. What if my memory returns, and I’m drawn to them rather than Vanna? Has the damage already been done and I’m going to lose her? I can tell she has reservations about me. Is it that she doesn’t like the man I’m supposed to have been for ten years? Is she worried what I’ll make of the older her, or can she not forgive me being unfaithful, even though I must have thought at the time I’d been totally free? I can’t believe it was me who did that.
I wasn’t surprised when she suggested we sleep apart and not rush into anything, by which she meant a physical relationship, or, while I’m not fit enough yet, even the closeness of sharing a bed.
She said we’ve got time, but I’m not sure of that. What if I don’t recover but get worse? What if my mind gives out on me completely? What if the universe hasn’t yet stopped toying with me?
When I’d woken in the hospital bed and Vanna had been there, it had seemed so simple. When I got out, I’d go home with her and pick up from where we left off. Even learning the ten-year gap, I hadn’t initially considered the ramifications. Perhaps it would be easier if it was just her and me. But it’s not, there’s Cas to consider.
I can look at Evangeline and know she’s my wife. Matured, yes, but still the girl I met and thought enough of to marry. I still love her, she still comes first in my world. Cas, though? He’s like a stranger. He doesn’t even look like my little boy. He looks like me. There’s no denying our relationship, and I wouldn’t want to do that, but I don’t know him at all. He’s got some of my traits, some of Vanna’s, and some which are his uniquely.
Reaching out, I pick up the stress ball I’d left by the side of my bed and religiously start doing the exercises I’d been shown. Fuck it, but if I can’t do anything about my head, I’ll work on my body instead. What kind of husband or a father would I make, disabled and on crutches for the rest of my life?
As I squeeze, then relax that ball with my right hand, I think about yesterday afternoon and the words Mace had said. I might have been prejudiced against coming to the club for what I thought had been valid reasons, but nothing and no one here had so far lived up to my most dire expectations. Demon had suggested I could rediscover my place here, even if I’d never remembered being here before. Could get to know the men who regard themselves as my family all over again. Do I want that? What would it mean for me and Vanna?
Hatch was the only man who I remember being close to. Members of my unit of course, we’d all trusted each other to have our backs. But Hatch, he was special. If Mace and Demon are to be believed, I’ve now a club full of brothers who used to mean as much to me as my brother-in-arms. Could I ever regain that? Should I give them a chance?
Yet another reason for me to regain my strength.
I contribute by being a tattoo artist. What if I can never hold a tat gun again?
What if I’m washed up and useless, at thirty-eight years old?
I’m going to get well.
That starts with me getting out of this bed. That starts with me moving forward, not looking back. Meet the men downstairs and have an open mind. With my fucked-up brain, my preconceptions about them need to be knocked on the head. If they were once my friends, and… I pick up the photo by the side of my bed, seeing my face there with Mace, and others I don’t remember or recognise. If I once smiled with them like that, who says I can’t do that again?
To hell with the past, it’s the future which I should be setting my sights on.
When there’s a knock on the door, I’m unsurprised to see Vanna there, concern written over her face. At my slight chin rise, she comes over to me. Is she wondering whether I’ll recognise her? Fearing during the night I’ll have forgotten again?
“How are you feeling today? Did you have a good night?” Her question is asked almost tentatively.
“Surprisingly, yes.” I was going to add I don’t normally sleep well in a strange bed, then realise while my head has no idea whe
re I am, my body must have recognised and remembered.
Her eyes examine me critically. “Have you taken your meds? Do you need help with your dressing? Can I get anything for you? Do you want some breakfast in bed? Do—”
“Vanna,” I bark a little snappily. “I’m fine, okay? I’ll get up in a moment and come downstairs.”
“Do you need help? Showering, getting dressed?”
“I’m not a fuckin’ baby,” I growl, not wanting her to nurse me.
Her eyes harden slightly. “If I’m not there when you come down, it’s because I’m going with Vi to the tattoo parlour. She’s going to go through the work with me, to check I’m happy taking it on.”
“You’re not going to be here for my first day on the compound?” What kind of wife is she?
Then I answer my own question. A wife who’s been independent for ten years, because she’s had to be. More than that, I was next to useless for the two years before that.
“I need to work, Lizard. I need money.”
I hate the fact she’ll be working and I won’t be.
I take a deep breath. I know my emotions swing this way and that, she deserves my admiration, not anger. “What do you do? What jobs have you had?” My right hand twitches, as if wanting to reach out, but I’m not sure for what. It’s a peculiar sensation, and one, which like so many things I don’t understand, I ignore.
“I’m an admin assistant. I’ve had a couple of different jobs. I was a receptionist for a short time, and I’ve found I’m good with numbers, so I took a bookkeeping course. Basically, I do what anyone needs to keep a business running smoothly.”
“Sounds like you’ll be exactly what they want.” While I’m useless and washed up. It’s hard for me to reconcile the girl who I remembered as a stay-at-home wife and mother. Sounds like she’s gained some skills since I’ve been gone, as well as a new confidence. I think I like this new Vanna. A worrying thought comes to me. Am I good enough for her?
“Okay, I’ll leave you to it. I’ll see you later on. Oh, and Cas has gone to the shop with Mace, there’s an engine he wants to work on, so offered to take Cas along.”
Devil's Spawn: Satan's Devils MC Colorado Chapter #6 Page 28