The door has a magnetic sign on the side.
INSERT: SIGN
Mary-Cay Beautician: Ashley Meadows
BACK TO SCENE
OLD MAN
My boy, how much for this old camera?
JACK
That isn't just any camera. That camera was...
OLD MAN
(interrupting)
I will give you a quarter.
JACK
Hello! That is the very camera that took the picture of Muhammad Ali standing over Sonny Liston. Eight dollars for that piece of history.
The Old Man puts it down. Jack sees a young lady in the garage looking around.
JACK
Excuse me, ma'am. Nothing in here is for sale. Everything we are selling is in the driveway.
The lady pulls the wooden chest off the bookshelf and turns around. It is Ashley Meadows. Her face is colorfully painted with heavy amounts of make-up.
ASHLEY
How much for this?
JACK
Not for sale, sorry.
Ashley digs through her purse and pulls out five dollars. She waves it in front of his face.
JACK
Nope.
The Old Man taps jack on the shoulder. Jack turns around to see him holding a toaster in one hand and some garments in the other.
OLD MAN
How much for this toaster?
JACK
Mister, that appliance is a fine-tuned instrument of toasting perfection. I couldn't see letting it go for less than four dollars.
OLD MAN
I will give you a quarter.
JACK
A quarter? What century are you from, man?
Jack looks over the old man's shoulder. Six other people are rummaging through the boxes. Jack begins to feel rushed.
OLD MAN
Good, it is a deal. And how much for these?
The Old Man holds up two old-lady braziers. Jack SHRIEKS.
JACK
Ewwww, gross. A quarter!
Ashley opens the chest and peeks inside.
ASHLEY
(quietly)
Wow!
She closes it, tucks it under her arm, and pulls three twenties from her purse.
ASHLEY
I have to have this! Sixty dollars!
JACK
Have what? Whoa, sixty bones! Deal!
Jack snags the money and jams it into his pocket. She trots to her car in a hurry like she just stole something. Jack reads the magnetic sign on the door as she speeds away.
JACK
Mary-Cay Beautician, Ashley Meadows. SUCKER!
Jack puts a record in an old record player. He puts the needle into position and drops it. "Jumpin' Jack Flash," by The Rolling Stones, blares from the speakers of the ancient record player.
BEGIN MUSICAL MONTAGE: Jack selling worthless junk to people.
Jack spreads his arms far apart motioning to the size of a large fish as he nods his head at an old black man. The man has a big smile as he gazes at a fishing pole in his hands.
Jack aims a bee-bee gun up at a tree and then shows it to a little boy. He quickly looks around to make sure nobody is watching and points at the piggy bank under the kid's arm. The kid takes the bee-bee gun and hands over his piggy bank. The little boy aims the gun at Jack. Jack pushes the barrel of the gun away and shakes his finger at the kid.
Jack removes a dainty little cheese knife from a purple velvet box and pretends to throw it. He then acts as if it got lodged into his neck. He clutches his throat and motions as if blood is spraying everywhere. Two dangerous looking teenagers wearing gang-member apparel nod with excitement.
Jack reveals some of the features of an oversized microwave oven
to a lady with a tiny dog. He jokingly puts the dog in the oven, closes the door, and taps a few buttons. The woman smashes him in the head with her purse and retrieves her dog.
Jack shows a recliner sofa to a gay couple. He bends over the chair to pull a handle to activate the recliner. When he pulls the handle a metal spring pops out of the bottom of the chair. Suddenly, the recliner jerks open. Jack lurches forward and gets stuck in the chair with his butt propped up in the air. The two gay men nod and smile with approval as they stare at Jack's rear end.
END MUSICAL MONTAGE:
The music skips and cuts short because Jack is putting the record player in the back of a station wagon.
CUT TO:
INT: MAY'S HOUSE.
Jack sits at the table cramming a sandwich into his face. May refills his lemonade.
MAY
I forgot to tell you that your mother is on her way to pick up a few things for the big reunion on Tuesday.
JACK
Cool, maybe I can bum a ride off her. Whoa, the reunion is on Tuesday?
MAY
Yes. So what is our grand total today? I notice you sold almost everything!
JACK
Yeah, I did some suggestive selling. I haven't counted the loot yet. I kind of lost count after like four hundred.
Jack shoves the remainder of the sandwich into his mouth and removes the wad of cash from the coffee can on the table. He dumps the can over and spills change everywhere.
CUT TO:
INT: THE MEADOW'S HOUSE.
Britney dumps her purse out on her bed. Different little bottles of nail polish, lotion, and make-up scatter everywhere. She has
a map of Paris, France opened up on the floor.
Her gaudy, pink cell phone RINGS to the tune of "Material Girl"
by Madonna. She answers it.
BRITNEY
Speak.
ASHLEY
(V.0.)
Brit, you won't believe what I just bought!
BRITNEY
I don't know, maybe a life?
ASHLEY
Maybe I won't tell you, you brat. And I will give it to my Dad on his birthday exclusively from me.
BRITNEY
What is it? Tell me!
ASHLEY
I was on my way to do a make-over this morning and I stopped off at a garage sale. And for sixty dollars, I tricked this loser into selling me a beautiful, white, leather bound bible. It was in this antique chest. Dad, I mean, MY Dad, will totally love it!
BRITNEY
What gave you the idea that he wanted a new bible?
ASHLEY
I listen to him, instead of thinking about myself all day like someone else I know. He keeps complaining about his bible falling apart. And besides, this one is a spitting image of his old bible with beautiful gold pages and...
BRITNEY
Whatever. Just leave it on the front seat and I will take a look at it when I pick up the car later.
ASHLEY
Looking only! Don't touch it or you'll taint its purity you transgressor. Where are you going tonight?
BRITNEY
I won't touch your dumb bible. Me and the girls are going to Ybor city, like usual. We'll probably end up at Club Maxim. And no, you cannot go. It is MY celebration for winning the make-up sales contest. Hey, guess what I am doing right now?
ASHLEY
Taking a handful of weight-loss pills?
BRITNEY
No, you jealous cow. I am packing my stuff for my wonderful trip to Paris!
Ashley hangs up on her stepsister.
CUT TO:
INT: MAY'S HOUSE.
Jack stares at the stacks of money before him.
JACK
Grandma, we cleaned up. So, what is one-third of six hundred and three dollars and eighty-eight cents?
MAY
I am not sure, but I know that one-fourth of that would be about...one hundred and fifty one dollars and twenty- two cents.
DELORES
(0.C.)
Your grandma is still sharp as a tack!
They both turn to see Jack's mom, DELORES, tiptoe in through the front door.
JACK
Hey, Mom.
He gives her a hug and then gives one to May.
<
br /> JACK
And thank you, Grandma, for helping me make a few extra bucks. Now, if you girls don't mind, I am going to make sure the toilet is working properly.
Jack disappears into the bathroom. Delores hugs her mother.
DELORES
You did really well this morning.
MAY
It was, actually, all Jack. The boy can amaze me, sometimes, and other times he just plain baffles me. He can be so creative and clever, or so thoughtless and mischievous. Are you sure he has the same father as Tim?
Delores smiles.
DELORES
I know, Mom. He's been like that since his freshman year of high school.
They both sit down at the table.
DELORES
So, Tuesday is the big day. Have you decided to which daughter you will be handing the chest down to?
MAY
No. There are so many granddaughters, and great- granddaughters, and then there is you and your sisters. I love everyone, and I don't want it to turn into a "playing favorites" contest. It is unfair to choose only one of the girls. But, as tradition has it, I have to choose the one lady in our family that will look after our heritage and ensure the family relic last another fifty years.
DELORES
I am sure you will make the right decision, Mom. Where is it so I can clean it up and get it ready for the reunion? Kathy's daughters have never seen it, and they are all flying in from Phoenix to be with us. It will be a special occasion for everyone. We haven't had a reunion like this in years!
May SIGHS.
MAY
Yes, yes. Follow me. It is in the garage. I haven't moved it from the shelf since your father put it there ten years ago. God bless him.
They both file into the garage.
CUT TO:
INT: GARAGE.
May and Delores rummage through the shelf and turn over some empty boxes.
MAY
Oh my, it was on the shelf just a few hours ago. I wonder where it might be.
Jack staggers into the garage while drying his hands on his shirt.
DELORES
Maybe Jack moved it?
MAY
The white chest. You know, the one with the family heirloom in it.
Jack swallows a big gulp of air and remains quiet for a moment.
MAY
Where'd you move it to, Jack?
JACK
It is, um...
Jack looks around. He stares at Tim's bicycle for a moment.
JACK
I am so stupid, how could I have not told you? Tim dropped by earlier and picked it up. Yeah, he said he was going to bring it over to you, Mom.
Jack nods his head with relief as if he just dodged a bullet.
DELORES
Oh, OK. I will just drop by there and pick it up.
JACK
NO! No, I will drop it off later to you, Mom.
MAY
Well, earlier, didn't you say you needed a ride home, Jack? Just have her drop you off and she can get the book from Tim.
JACK
I don't think Tim is home. He had some meeting or something this morning.
DELORES
On a Saturday? He usually enjoys his Saturdays sleeping in and taking Sammie to the park.
JACK
No, that Kutter account has him bending over backwards. I am doubtful he is at the park.
DELORES
Well, I will just call him. He always has his phone on him.
Delores digs into her purse and pulls out her phone. Jack panics and fakes a kidney pain.
JACK
Aaaaggh! Damn kidney!
He swats the phone out of his mother's hand as he twists and flops to the ground in pain. The phone flips through the air and smashes against the wall. Delores and May attend to Jack.
MAY
Jack, are you OK? Do you need me to call an ambulance?
JACK
No, it was just a quick stabbing pain. It is gone now.
DELORES
I was worried for a moment, honey. Are you sure you're OK?
JACK
Yeah, I am fine. Sorry about your phone, though.
They all glance down at the phone. It is busted open.
CUT TO:
EXT: PARK.
Tim casually strolls through the park while Sammie tries to drag him by his leash. There are families' picnicking, kids roller- skating, and ducks waddling in and out of the ponds. Tim stops to watch a mother and her child.
The mother sprays her young child down with a bottle of mosquito
The Good, the Plaid, and the Ugly Page 4