by Liz Botts
I had so many things that I wanted to tell Josh, so many things that I wanted to share with him, but sitting in the middle of Crossroads didn't feel like the right time or place. Why couldn’t he understand where I was coming from? A little nagging doubt tugged at the edges of my awareness. Could Josh be right about this? Was I still shutting him out and focusing too much on myself?
"What can I get for you guys?" The waitress tapped a pen against her order pad, and smiled wearily at us.
"Rough night?" Josh asked.
The waitress smiled at him, not in the flirty way that most girls smiled at Josh. She just seemed grateful that someone had noticed. "Long day at school."
I studied her a bit closer. Her long blonde hair was caught back in a loose, messy ponytail, and under normal circumstances I might not have noticed her. The more I watched her eyes, though, the more I thought she seemed familiar. Then it clicked.
"Hey, are you related to Christy?" I blurted.
The waitress's eyes widened with curiosity as she turned toward me. "Yeah, I am," she said. "She's my little sister. How do you know her? Oh no, did she do something to your car? I know she can’t drive yet. I swear we'll pay for it. Just give me your number, okay?"
I almost laughed. She sounded exactly like Christy the day I'd met her. "No, nothing like that. I promise," I said. "I just know her from an afterschool activity she's in. I'm just helping out."
The waitress looked noticeably relieved. Then she said, "She's a good kid. Listen, can I get you guys anything?"
I looked over at Josh to find him watching me intensely. "Let's just get some tiramisu cheesecake," he said.
Our waitress nodded. When she was gone Josh crossed his arms across his chest. "You're helping out with an after school activity? What activity is that?"
“Well…” I hesitated.
Josh ran a hand through his dark brown hair. I noticed it seemed shorter than usual. He must have just gotten a haircut. It felt so weird to have these day-to-day things seem noticeable and monumental when for years now we had just taken them for granted.
"I don't like all this secrecy, Han," Josh said. "But I respect your privacy. I know we'll talk when things are right."
"Why are you being like this?" I asked.
"Like what?" Josh asked. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion.
"So...sweet about my craziness."
Josh shook his head. "You aren't crazy, Hannah. I told you I'd wait. I'll wait as long as you need me to. I'm not going to give up on us. You’re my best friend, Han. I mean, you’ve been there for me every step of the way these last few years, especially when stuff got tough with my parents. That was hard on me. So if things are hard for you right now, I’ll stand by you."
"I don't deserve you," I said. Tears sprang to my eyes.
Josh kept staring at me with this intensity that unnerved me. He was so serious about us. I had always thought that I was the one who kept us grounded, but I could not have been more wrong about that. I felt like Josh could stare all the way to my soul if I let him. And after all the right things he said, I really wanted to let him. I wanted to jump ahead past all this growing up stuff, and just let things be simple and good again. Even though in reality I knew I wasn’t quite there.
I took a deep breath. “I just feel a little silly about this, that’s all,” I said. “You know Angela does all sorts of volunteering, right?”
Josh nodded. “Sure, she’s always busy.”
“She invited me to go along to peer counseling,” I said. “And…I’ve been doing some of the counseling. It’s pretty cool actually.”
“That’s great, Han, really great,” Josh said. He cleared his throat. "I...um, I have something to tell you," Josh said.
"Why don't I like the sound of that?" I asked, hoping to make a joke but falling flat.
Josh shook his head. "No, it's nothing like...it's not bad per se. I got my acceptance letter to Center State's Physical Therapy program. And I think I might go ahead and accept."
I tried to swallow, but my throat was too dry. The water sloshed in the glass as I lifted it to my lips. Panic caused my heart to beat out of time.
"But you just said you'd wait. You just said you wouldn't give up on us," I said with my words tumbling one over the other.
"I'm not giving up on us," Josh said, his tone suddenly tense. "Center State has the best PT program in the state. And maybe," he paused, "maybe the space would be good for us."
A lump formed in my throat making it hard to talk. "This isn't how I pictured things."
Josh frowned. "And you think this is how I pictured things?" I could hear the tightness in his voice, and I knew he was trying not to get mad at me. "I'm really excited about this. Can't you just be excited with me?"
“I am,” I said, but my words felt hollow. I wasn’t excited. I felt abandoned.
“No you aren’t,” Josh said. He leveled a chilly gaze at me. “I know you too well, Hannah. I can’t do this right now.” He pulled out his wallet and carefully withdrew more than enough for our food. “Leave her a good tip. I’ll see you at rehearsals.”
I watched him go with a sinking feeling in my stomach. Josh was right. We took one step forward and two steps back, but I felt like I moved one inch forward and ten feet back. My brain kept revolving in the same circles, and it was driving me crazy. When or how was I going to break the cycle and see things in a different light?
The waitress showed up a moment later with two pieces of cheesecake. As she set them down she looked curiously over at Josh’s empty seat.
“Can you just box these up?” I asked. “I think I’m going to take them home instead.”
With a quick nod, the waitress retreated to the counter and quickly returned with a large take home container.
“Thanks,” I said, picking up a fork to transfer the cheesecake.
The waitress lingered by my table for a moment. When our eyes met she gave me a hesitant smile. “I hope everything works out,” she said.
Before I could say anything else, she returned to her work. I finished packing up the cheesecake, and put Josh’s twenty carefully on the table. I pulled on my coat, got my wallet out of my backpack before going to pay.
I looked for Christy before I left but didn’t see her, so I slipped out into the cold night air. I walked home gripping my cheesecake container like a lifeline to a happier time.
Chapter Nine
The cold of February ebbed into March with pleasantly mild days and chilly nights. We started rehearsals with palpable tension between Josh and me. Our conversations were strained, and we refused to discuss his grad school plans. He was right, I wasn’t excited about the Center State offer he had received, but he would never have guessed why. The flat out truth was that I was jealous. He suddenly had a direction after graduation, and I still had nothing. Worse yet, Dr. Perkins, my Capstone professor, had started pressuring me to apply to the grad program. For some reason I couldn’t say no to him, maybe for some irrational fear of disappointing him.
Whenever I thought about life after college I still came up with a big black hole. Even contemplating the grad school theater program practically sent me into hives, yet I couldn’t find the courage to break from the path I had set for myself. Something had to change soon though because grad applications would be due in a matter of weeks.
One day toward the middle of March, I sat in the peer-counseling center talking with Christy when she asked, “So…that guy you were with at Crossroads a few weeks ago, is he the guy? I mean, like, the guy?”
I chewed my lower lip and considered her. Christy had pulled her short blonde hair back in a headband, which made her big green eyes stand out in her small round face. She looked so young. So far I had learned that this counseling relationship had to be built on trust, and I had already shared a bit with her. Why should I lie to her now?
“That’s him. We’re working on our relationship,” I said.
Christy leaned back in the chair with a sigh. “He
’s gorgeous.” She closed her eyes briefly with a dreamy smile on her face. Then she sat straight up and said, “There’s a boy at school who I think might ask me to prom.”
My heart ached for her. The twin glimmers of hope and insecurity flickering over her face reminded me of myself in high school. Not that I had been asked to prom as a freshman. That hadn’t happened until I was a senior and dating Josh. Nostalgia choked in my throat, and I had to breathe out a sigh.
“My little sister got asked to prom as a freshman,” I said. “We doubled. It was pretty fun.”
“Prom is like the night, you know?” Christy replied.
I stared at her feeling blank. What was she talking about? “Uh…the night?”
Christy leaned forward, her eyes darting back and forth around the room. “The night to lose your virginity.”
My mouth dropped, but it quickly snapped shut as I swallowed a laugh. “That’s not really true,” I said slowly. “That certainly wasn’t true for me or my sister or any of my friends. I think that Hollywood sort of makes you think that with all those cheesy teen movies.” I paused while I watched for her reaction. Then I continued, “I thought you had decided you wanted to wait.”
“Well, I think I want to wait, but what if I don’t? I mean, what if I decide I want to do it before I’m married?” Christy took out her headband and put it back in carefully.
This was tricky territory. I desperately wanted to push my own beliefs on her, to make her learn from my mistakes. I didn’t want her to end up with massive regrets like me. She was so young and impressionable. That wasn’t the point of peer counseling, though. And even with the waiver her father had signed to allow her to attend counseling, I had the obligation to alert him or the appropriate people if she was going to do something that could be a danger to herself or others.
“Do you want my honest opinion?” I asked.
Christy leaned back in the chair, hugging her arms around herself. “Yes,” she said softly. “But I’m not sure I want to hear it.”
I laughed a little. “You probably won’t want to hear this,” I agreed. “But, listen. I didn’t have sex until I was twenty-one, and I still don’t feel like I was ready. My older sister started sleeping around when she was still in high school. She thought she had it all under control. She was on the pill and everything. Then bam. Senior year in college, she ended up pregnant. The guy left her to raise their little girl alone. I don’t want a kid yet, but she was exactly my age. You are seven years younger than me. You don’t want a kid, either.”
“But I know enough to use protection,” Christy said with a roll of her eyes.
Was she just not listening or was she set on being stubborn? “My sister was on the pill. No birth control is one hundred percent effective. Things fail.”
Christy nodded reluctantly. “I guess.”
“Look,” I said, “why don’t you try paying attention to some of the pregnant girls at your school? There have to be a few. Watch how people treat them. Talk to them. I promise that their lives aren’t like on TV shows or some teen movie. Use that experience to help you think through your decision. We can talk about this again next week, because our time is up and I have to get to rehearsal.”
Christy and I packed up. As we walked out together, she gave me a little sideways smile. “You know, your little sister is really lucky to have you.”
My heart melted, and I could think of a million things that I wanted to say to her. I remembered her sister looking worn and frazzled as she waited on us, and how much she had appreciated Josh noticing her exhaustion. The big sister part of me felt a smack of guilt, like I should defend her sister. But the other part of me felt too warm and gooey to do that, so I smiled back at her.
“Thanks,” I said.
I watched her walk down the street toward the library where she was going to wait for her dad. Despite feeling good about this session, worry continued to nag at me. The farther away she got, the smaller she looked, and the more I was reminded just how young she was.
****
I was five minutes late to rehearsal, and Max had already gotten the group started. Slipping into the seat beside him, I peered at the script to see what scenes he’d marked for practice. My stomach knotted as I noticed that he had marked a scene that involved the lead male (Josh) kissing the lead female (the girl named Allison.) So far I had managed to work around it.
Quickly I scribbled a note to Max. There was no way I wanted to rehearse that scene. Watching Josh kiss another girl was not on my agenda for the evening. Max glanced at my note then raised an eyebrow at me. I shook my head firmly.
“Pause,” Max called. “Take five, guys. Hannah and I need to step out in the hall and discuss some script issues.”
“We do?” I asked.
Max leveled a look at me that left very little room to argue. So I followed him out into the drafty corridor outside the practice theater.
“What is going on with this scene?” Max asked the moment the door swung closed. “It’s the only one we haven’t rehearsed yet. I need to see it.”
I shoved my hands into the back pocket of my jeans. The fabric stretched as I curled my fingers. “I just…I just don’t want to see Josh kiss someone else, okay?”
Max sighed. “I understand, Hannah, I really do, but you agreed to this casting and this script. We need to move forward. We only have a month and a half to get this perfect.”
Biting my lip, I nodded. “I know. I just…okay.”
“If you want to sit this out, you can,” Max said.
I shook my head. If this was going to happen, I needed to be there to watch it. “I’ll be fine,” I said. “Let’s just get this over with. It’ll be like ripping off a bandage right?”
“Right,” Max said giving me what I assumed was a supportive smile, but actually came across as more of a grimace.
When we reentered the practice space, Josh and Allison were lounging on the edge of the stage talking. My stomach squeezed painfully as they laughed together over something I couldn’t hear. Josh looked so relaxed and…happy. I hadn’t seen that look on his face in a long time. And Allison, well, she was gazing up at Josh with a look I’d seen often. Something akin to adoration. The girl was obviously harboring a massive crush. On my boyfriend. I didn’t care if we were on a break, he was still my boyfriend.
I took my seat beside Max again and chewed on the end of my pen as he gave some instructions. The scenes began to roll. I had forgotten how much I loved watching Josh act. He hadn’t done much theater in the past few years, opting instead for intramural basketball and mentoring activities. Allison didn’t seem right for the female lead, though, and I couldn’t understand why we had picked her.
Her lines came across as stilted. She forgot her blocking every other scene, and Max had to tell her where to move mid-scene. My irritation grew with each passing moment. My pen lid got chomped harder with each line that brought us nearer to the dreaded scene. When I heard the words I had written leading up to the kiss, I closed my eyes. With a deep breath, I opened them again and focused my attention on the stage.
Josh cupped Allison’s face between his hands, and gazed down at her with heart-wrenching tenderness. He was a phenomenal actor, but my traitorous heart screamed that this couldn’t be acting. I’d seen that look before. Jealousy, hot and vicious, bubbled up inside of me as Josh leaned down for the kiss.
“Cut!” I jumped up from my chair and slammed my clipboard down. With barely contained fury I watched as Josh brushed a kiss across Allison’s lips. From the corner of my eye, I saw Max stand.
On stage Josh had dropped his hands and taken a step away from Allison. His face was a mask of frustration as he stared at the floor. Allison glared at me. For a moment, I felt a twinge of guilt.
Then, before I could question the impulse, I looked directly at Allison and said, “This just isn’t working. Allison, we’re going to have to let you go.”
Scooping up my clipboard, I hurried out of the rehearsal spac
e. I hadn’t bothered to grab my coat, but that didn’t stop me from pushing through the front doors of the theater building into the cool March night. What was wrong with me? Hadn’t things been going so much better with Josh lately?
Tears trickled down my face as I sank to the steps. Warm, greasy smells from nearby restaurants drifted toward me making my stomach rumble. The front door opened with a creak behind me, but I didn’t turn.
“Hannah, what is going on?” Josh sank down beside me.
I swiped at the tears and shivered. Josh draped his coat around my shoulders, which made me cry harder.
“I don’t know,” I said and sniffled.
“You’re acting an awful lot like Kyle used to,” Josh said, and even though I heard the teasing note in his voice, annoyance flared in me. At the mention of my one time high school crush, I flinched. I couldn’t have been acting like that, could I? Kyle had always stopped Josh and I from practicing our kiss scene because he was a control freak and ridiculously jealous, neither traits I possessed. Did I?
“Just because we’re on a break, that doesn’t mean you can kiss anyone you want,” I snapped.
Josh stiffened. “You chose this, Hannah. You decided we needed this break. Really, you can’t have it both ways. And? You gave me the part.”
I wiped my eyes and nose on the sleeve of Josh’s coat. “Have what both ways?”
“You can’t want your space but then act crazy when I kiss a girl in your play. From a script you wrote,” he said and sighed. “I was just acting, Hannah. I’m not interested in Allison or anyone else. You know that. I love you.”
His words wrapped me in warmth. Josh always had a knack for saying exactly what I needed to hear. Still something gnawed at me.
“Why’d you kiss her after I yelled cut?”
Josh was quiet for a long time. Finally he said, “It was part of the scene. I just wanted to get it over with.”
I bit my lip and gave him a sideways glance. “That’s it?”